Do you think I am being selfish

[Tropical Wilds]

It also doesn’t take into account that many (dare I say most) people find “Dr. Harley” to be, at best, an advocate only for outdated and deeply conservative ways of thinking, or at worst, a quack who espouses morally and ethically questionable behavior and is guilty cherry-picking his own study participants that will only yield results to support his line of thinking.

 

[mkgal1]

I couldn't agree with you more, which is why I never base my advice on personal philosophies or how I think things "should" be. Researching what has actually proven to make relationships work has become a passion of mine.

One of my favorite sources of information is Dr. Harley, who studied 10,000's of marriages to identify patterns in happy marriages and patterns in unhappy marriages

In your eagerness to share your thoughts, I believe you completely missed the point about a one-size-fits-all solution. This was the main point (that I think you overlooked):

"Isn't it better to help people think creatively about what's possible for them".

 

[Endeavourer]

It also doesn’t take into account that many (dare I say most) people find “Dr. Harley” to be, at best, an advocate only for outdated and deeply conservative ways of thinking,

What outdated and deeply conservative way of thinking are you referring to?

or at worst, a quack who espouses morally and ethically questionable behavior

and is guilty cherry-picking his own study participants that will only yield results to support his line of thinking.

Those are quite some accusations. Sources? Can you elaborate/validate?

 

[Endeavourer]

In your eagerness to share your thoughts, I believe you completely missed the point about a one-size-fits-all solution. This was the main point (that I think you overlooked):

"Isn't it better to help people think creatively about what's possible for them".

I feel its best to help people think creatively about how to find ways to be successful in their particular situation. I feel that aiming lower than success is a waste of their time.

Sometimes the box a person has built for themselves doesn't allow them to be successful and it's not until they realize that they are in a box that they can start looking for real solutions. Even though my advice may not seem possible at first glance, it can help them recognize their box and apply solutions to get out of it.

So, even if the complete information is difficult to enact, I feel complete information is always better.

I've received feedback from people I've helped that single out my answers as having been very helpful. Recently one said this about the articles I provided for him:

"I can’t thank folks here (especially endeavorer) enough. These articles have without a doubt reoriented my mindset and approach. Explanations of The giver and taker personas were revelatory, and I mean that sincerely. Changed my life."

These articles have changed my life too. As I walk through my marriage, I can see the beautiful results of sticking with what have been proven to work. I've become somewhat of an expert at holding myself accountable to this plan and not allowing exceptions when the plan is hard.

I've given up some gratifying opportunities to let my husband know how I *really* felt and instead framed my problem with a respectful, collaborative approach (honey instead of vinegar) and there hasn't been a single time I've regretted doing so. After we brainstorm conflicts together we are more in love afterwards than before.

 

[mkgal1]

I can see the beautiful results of sticking with what have been proven to work. I've become somewhat of an expert at holding myself accountable to this plan and not allowing exceptions when the plan is hard.

I don't wish to carry this thread much further off track (and maybe we can begin a new thread if there's more you'd like to comment on this side topic)....but reality is, in most conflicted marriages, it's not as simple as ONE person (which is all we have here to give our opinions to) to be committed to these principles you're sharing. It takes TWO....and before all that can begin, typically a lot of baggage has to be sorted through.

We don't know the full story of this OP. How old are his children? How much time/dollars has he been spending in the past towards his hobbies ( triathlons were mentioned earlier). How cooperative is he towards goal setting for his family with his wife? What about extended family? Do he and his wife agree with how boundaries are set pertaining to that?

There's simply a lot more that needs to be considered.

 

[Endeavourer]

.but reality is, in most conflicted marriages, it's not as simple as ONE person (which is all we have here to give our opinions to) to be committed to these principles you're sharing. It takes TWO

Amen sister. Mkgal1, I couldn't agree with you more. One person can run themselves to the ground trying to adhere to rules while the other adheres to abuse. If the other spouse doesn't accept an invitation to improve the marriage, there's not much one spouse can do - unless that spouse IS the abuser. Sometimes one spouse is actually themself the abuser without realizing it.

We don't know the full story of this OP. How old are his children? How much time/dollars has he been spending in the past towards his hobbies ( triathlons were mentioned earlier). How cooperative is he towards goal setting for his family with his wife? What about extended family? Do he and his wife agree with how boundaries are set pertaining to that?

There's simply a lot more that needs to be considered.

Yes, all good questions. The OP has disappeared after some of these were asked.

I'd welcome any side discussions on the topic....but for now I need to get back to work.

God bless,
E.

 

[Paidiske]

It also doesn’t take into account that many (dare I say most) people find “Dr. Harley” to be, at best, an advocate only for outdated and deeply conservative ways of thinking, or at worst, a quack who espouses morally and ethically questionable behavior and is guilty cherry-picking his own study participants that will only yield results to support his line of thinking.

I did wonder. He wrote "His Needs, Her Needs," I think? Which I remember being given before we were married. And while he did point out that the picture he painted was the average man and woman, and not everybody would have the same needs, the picture given was pretty clear (and stereotypical). Let's just say I didn't recognise myself in the way he portrayed women's needs.

But this is now well off topic; perhaps a new thread in the Egalitarian forum to discuss the principles without it having to be about this OP...?

 

[ValleyGal]

I would like to see Dr. Harley's peer reviewed, published "research" because it does not even come close to Dr. John Gottman's scientific research, which is peer reviewed and published.

 

[mkgal1]

Bottom line: the reality of marriage isn't a lab case study.

 

[mkgal1]

He wrote "His Needs, Her Needs," I think?

Oh......you're RIGHT. I can't say I'm much of a fan of that book. I wasn't putting his name together with that book.

 

[tall73]

and I suggested he rent one instead

Others have already addressed the need for more information about the family dynamics. But this is good advice if for whatever reason he does decide to look into the hobby. That way he knows what he is getting into before investing a large amount of money and time.

 

[mkgal1]

Others have already addressed the need for more information about the family dynamics. But this is good advice if for whatever reason he does decide to look into the hobby. That way he knows what he is getting into before investing a large amount of money and time.

I agree.

 

[Jordan Suckstorf]

Hey everyone,
For the pas 6 months or so I have been desiring to start a new hobby of getting a Kayak and going deep sea fishing. My wife has been aware of this desire for sometime and has been supportive of me getting kayak but because of financial reasons we have had it on hold. Now I am in a situation that i could fund it with no cost to the family budget. The hobby would be leaving my wife and kids early in the morning once a month for a day and coming home around 8pm or so. She tells me that this is selfish of me and not what a Christian man should do. We both work from home and share the looking after the kids but about 2-5 times a month I do work outside the house and leave her to watch the kids. Otherwise there is nothing that takes me out of the house. No going out with the guys. No other hobbies. I guess I am feeling like I am not asking much to have 1 day a month to my self, but my wife is giving me the feeling that if I loved her and my family I wouldn't leave them for a day. I honestly don't know anymore if I am being selfish or that I am not asking too much of my wife. I am more than willing to give her whole days to herself but she would rather spend time with the kids than herself. I'm just looking for an honest opinion do you and your spouses have hobbies that take you away from the family for a day here and there?

Thanks in advance

I feel like you're really getting a hashing on this page. I saw good stuff, but much more theory than practical. Life is tough and we can find ourselves much healthier for family, work, community when we have healthy outlets. God does have this wonderful world here to be explored. I feel like I'll take slack for this, but my wife and I try to encourage eachother's hobbies to a healthy point. You don't get married to give up life, you get married to live life as one. Now that would press that there might be something you need to sacrifice on your part, but it's never 100% one persons area of growth. Perhaps she needs to look deeper into her heart on why she feels like one day away is so bad. My wife coaches soccer year round. She is gone up to a week at times. She loves it, and the young girls love having her as a coach. In the summer, it's all volunteer. I let her follow that. We see community and ministry there as well, but also just deep practical relationships. Our love grows from these hobbies. It's been hard through some times while she is gone, but overall it gives me a chance to invest in areas that would otherwise not have time for. I think, if you really are as intentional with the other 29 days of the month that you say you are - then you're not asking anything crazy.

 

[Jordan Suckstorf]

I feel its best to help people think creatively about how to find ways to be successful in their particular situation. I feel that aiming lower than success is a waste of their time.

Sometimes the box a person has built for themselves doesn't allow them to be successful and it's not until they realize that they are in a box that they can start looking for real solutions. Even though my advice may not seem possible at first glance, it can help them recognize their box and apply solutions to get out of it.

So, even if the complete information is difficult to enact, I feel complete information is always better.

I've received feedback from people I've helped that single out my answers as having been very helpful. Recently one said this about the articles I provided for him:

"I can’t thank folks here (especially endeavorer) enough. These articles have without a doubt reoriented my mindset and approach. Explanations of The giver and taker personas were revelatory, and I mean that sincerely. Changed my life."

These articles have changed my life too. As I walk through my marriage, I can see the beautiful results of sticking with what have been proven to work. I've become somewhat of an expert at holding myself accountable to this plan and not allowing exceptions when the plan is hard.

I've given up some gratifying opportunities to let my husband know how I *really* felt and instead framed my problem with a respectful, collaborative approach (honey instead of vinegar) and there hasn't been a single time I've regretted doing so. After we brainstorm conflicts together we are more in love afterwards than before.

I would like to see Dr. Harley's peer reviewed, published "research" because it does not even come close to Dr. John Gottman's scientific research, which is peer reviewed and published.

hahah bickering Christians sound like the rest of the world. This is borderline entertaining and sad.

 

[Jordan Suckstorf]

No, your comments are generalised, though, and make assumptions about what is or is not the case for the OP and for others who might be reading along.

Marriage isn't a one-size-fits-all reality. The same advice can't be given to everyone as if they were confronting the same circumstances, or as if they can all do the same thing. Fifteen hours a week meeting one another's emotional needs? Do you have any idea how unrealistic this is for many couples who may not have fifteen hours a week "free" from basic obligations? Do you know how much this is likely to make some people feel guilty for circumstances beyond their control? Isn't it better to help people think creatively about what's possible for them, rather than tell them what they "should" be doing without taking their circumstances into account?

That's what I find so frustrating.

I am new to Christian forums, but it's crazy to see how fast Christians start looking a lot like bickering kids, who use theology-wording to seem like they are right. People can have an opinion, people can site sources, people can offer creative ideas. If you're an adult and you're getting frustrated on here about a peoples opinions on a theoretical concept that will mean nothing when you turn off your computer - you might need to step back and breath. Honestly. It sad, watching these forums to often. When we claim Jesus, but don't act like him...

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I am new to Christian forums, but it's crazy to see how fast Christians start looking a lot like bickering kids, who use theology-wording to seem like they are right. People can have an opinion, people can site sources, people can offer creative ideas. If you're an adult and you're getting frustrated on here about a peoples opinions on a theoretical concept that will mean nothing when you turn off your computer - you might need to step back and breath. Honestly. It sad, watching these forums to often. When we claim Jesus, but don't act like him...

To be fair you only have 4 posts. Give this forum a year and then we will see if you still feel that way. You will find MANY opinions on here and many who will fight to the end to prove their opinion right. Whether that is right or wrong, sometimes people get frustrated with conflict after awhile.

 

[Deidre32]

No, you’re not. If you can’t be apart for one day per month to enjoy a hobby, there’s something wrong in such a relationship, in my opinion. One day? Lol

Sounds like a trust issue but she won’t say it. So she’s attacking you by saying this isn’t what a Christian man does. Sounds a little manipulative. I’m sure she loves you but...one day isn’t much. Unless she expects to be attached at the hip 24/7? That would drive me insane. My husband and I love being together but we do things apart, on occasion. It’s healthy to have hobbies and have an identity of your own, in a marriage.

Just my guess, but sounds like a trust thing.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

The poster hasn’t posted more than twice and it was almost a year ago. Here’s guessing the issue is resolved.

 

[Deidre32]

Oh! Lol I never notice the dates of these threads

 

[Dave-W]

The poster hasn’t posted more than twice and it was almost a year ago. Here’s guessing the issue is resolved.