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Do you think I am being selfish

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by WilliamBradley, Dec 4, 2017.

  1. WilliamBradley

    WilliamBradley New Member

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    Hey everyone,
    For the pas 6 months or so I have been desiring to start a new hobby of getting a Kayak and going deep sea fishing. My wife has been aware of this desire for sometime and has been supportive of me getting kayak but because of financial reasons we have had it on hold. Now I am in a situation that i could fund it with no cost to the family budget. The hobby would be leaving my wife and kids early in the morning once a month for a day and coming home around 8pm or so. She tells me that this is selfish of me and not what a Christian man should do. We both work from home and share the looking after the kids but about 2-5 times a month I do work outside the house and leave her to watch the kids. Otherwise there is nothing that takes me out of the house. No going out with the guys. No other hobbies. I guess I am feeling like I am not asking much to have 1 day a month to my self, but my wife is giving me the feeling that if I loved her and my family I wouldn't leave them for a day. I honestly don't know anymore if I am being selfish or that I am not asking too much of my wife. I am more than willing to give her whole days to herself but she would rather spend time with the kids than herself. I'm just looking for an honest opinion do you and your spouses have hobbies that take you away from the family for a day here and there?

    Thanks in advance
     
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  2. Paidiske

    Paidiske Bodily member Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

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    There's so much to take into consideration in this kind of question.

    I don't have such a hobby, and neither does my husband; but we do both make time for the other to be able to say, go to the gym, or the like. I must admit I'd not be keen on something that would take my husband away for that length of time once a month, because that's a very large proportion of our very small amount of free time together. Maybe three or four times a year I'd not feel it so much.

    But like I said, it depends on what's going on in your marriage. Do you have much time with your family? (Not working from home or doing chores or whatever, but time doing things you enjoy?) With your wife? Does she feel she gets enough affection, that she's listened to?

    My hunch is that she feels some need of hers is going unmet, and so she resents something new that will make that need being met even more unlikely.
     
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  3. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

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    “No cost to the family budget” needs some exploring... Unless somebody is giving you the kayak and all of the tackle you need absolutely free (and that is a *very* expensive hobby in terms of equipment), it would stand to reason the money is coming from somewhere. Savings, a line of credit, an IOU, extra money that would otherwise be going to the family budget... Something.

    Secondly, 2-5 times a month she’s already giving of her schedule to accommodate your work... How many times do you do the same for her? I get you say she’d rather spend time with the kids, but is that what she’d say she’d do with her time? And if so, is it because she’s lacking outside friends/hobbies/connections (which happens a lot to parents after kids)? Does she have an expensive hobby she’d like to indulge but feel she can’t? And how old are your kids?

    I tend to agree with the previous poster... If you’re gone onceish a week already and now you’re planning to take another day a month to be gone and away for 14-16 hours a day, you’re not just dictating your time and how your day is going, your dictating hers too. While on the surface it seems whatever, there does come a point where like you say you work hard and want the payoff of a hobby, she will also wonder where her payoff for her hard work is.

    My husband has an expensive hobby and he sometimes goes out for a full day to pursue it, but investments in time and money for it don’t happen unilaterally... He asks me if it works for me too, and if I say it doesn’t, he will hear out why. Now that the kids are older and they’re not in lots of extracurricular stuff, there’s less days where it doesn’t work out for me/us, but when they were infants and toddlers? He wouldn’t have assumed he could out for a full 14ish hour day once a month to do whatever, and to be honest, I’m not sure he would have asked to.
     
  4. Tetra

    Tetra Well-Known Member

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    My wife and I are totally autonomous. She does her hobbies, and I do mine... days and weekends away are not an issue for us. In fact, we would view it as selfish to try and stop the other person. We have 2 kids and have been married for 15 years. Everyone's different I guess. :)
     
  5. Hotinco

    Hotinco Member

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    If you are spending money on this hobby for you does your wife get an equal amount to spend as she wants? This was a problem early on for us and while you may have come into a bonus or other money that would allow you to fund your hobby she should get an equal amount.

    Are you also offering to watch the kids and give her an entire day each month to do what she wants outside the home? I know for me early on I did not think of this much, while I may have been gone a few days hunting or whatever she did not get that time, which creates an in balance and unhappy wife.

    I don't think it is selfish to ask for time alone to enjoy a hobby or something, but it can be when we do not give our spouse the same opportunity. SHe may want to spend a day a month at the spa or just out with friends.

    Thanks in advance[/QUOTE]
     
  6. WilliamBradley

    WilliamBradley New Member

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    The money is actually coming from me selling my old triathlon bike. So it isn't a bonus or extra money. It's taking something that I don't use as much anymore and repurposing it. So it would be no extra cost. It really is going to come down to time only. Thanks for the comments so far there are good take aways from everyone.
     
  7. Hank77

    Hank77 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Gas, bait, fishing gear.
     
  8. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    No opinion on that matter - but I'm curious - how does deep sea fishing work with a kayak?

    I keep having visions of Richard Dreyfus saying "We're gonna need a bigger boat"
     
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  9. Dave-W

    Dave-W Grandparent of six grandchildren, #7 on the way! Supporter

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    Indeed.
     
  10. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    If you do anything over your wife's objections, you will take a large deposit out of her love bank account and she will resent being forced to accept your behavior forever because you can't undo it.

    Generally, if you spend 15 hours per week meeting your wife's emotional needs, she will be very much in love with you and will be far more flexible about what you do on your own time over and above that.

    What do you think of these links?
    The Policy of Unidivided Attention

    The Giver & Taker
    The Policy of Joint Agreement

    There are many options available to you other than you just blazing ahead to do something your wife has told you will not work for her.

    I would strongly recommend you not allow your taker to demand acquiescence from her giver because it will deeply hurt your wife and damage her love for you.

    At some point her taker will likely get even with you, and that will likely be an experience that will be at least as equally unpleasant for you as this was for her. However, even if her taker does not do this, you will never be able to undo the hurt you caused your wife by going ahead to with the kayaking.

    It doesn't matter whether a bunch of people on the internet think you deserve to go kayaking; what matters is how your wife feels about it.
     
  11. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    It seems like you have a history of expensive, time consuming hobbies.

    Does your wife get the same amount of time that you take for your hobbies (while you watch the kids) and the same budget for her hobbies?

    This could be a starting point for your brainstorming discussions with her to find options she is enthusiastic about. Do not settle for her reluctant acquiescence because that will indicate her giver is conceding to your taker - a scenario which will come back to haunt you.

    However, also bear in mind that if you both lead separate lives on time consuming hobbies without spending time meeting each other's emotional needs, you will fall out of love with each other.
     
  12. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Was she enthusiastic about your purchase of the triathlon bike back when you acquired it?
     
  13. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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  14. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    I'm so glad you asked, because I was trying to picture all that in my head as well.

    I was thinking along these lines (of the video posted). If I'm going to be out in the ocean....I definitely want something larger than a kayak:

     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2017
  15. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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  16. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    I had no idea this was a thing (deep sea fishing in a kayak). That ^ does NOT look like a good idea (he sounds pretty frustrated there!).
     
  17. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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  18. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    11 miles? haha Hopefully you'd be going with a buddy.
     
  19. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    .....a buddy with an actual BOAT (and medical experience and supplies).
     
  20. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

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    Deep sea fishing in kayaks is a thing around here, in the coastal tourist towns. People kayak out in groups with a guide along the shore until they can follow a breaker or something where there’s reduced undertow. They go for small/medium game fish and they’re not actually that out far from shore, two to four miles.

    That said, it’s not cheap (even with a loaner kayak, there’s tackle, the license, docking fees for pushing out or landing at some ports, etc), and people don’t go out 12 hours a whack. It’s physically exhausting, hotter than the surface of the sun, and the kayak seats aren’t all that comfortable at all. And obviously safety concerns have people going out in pairs or more, with guides taking them to spots where manageable fish are abundant. Really, it’s a touristy thing around here, not an extension of angler options.
     
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