Do you have to be 'certain' before you marry?

[Ben Collyer]

So ive been thinking about marriage with someone for a while now but I cant decide for sure because I still doubt if its meant to be.

someone just said to me "if you are having doubts then its not meant to be"

is that too simplistic?

why are there hundreds of articles online regarding "is this the person I should marry" if being sure is the only criterion? (the advice was from an unbeliever)

 

[ValleyGal]

Being sure is not a criteria. In fact a lot of people have cold feet - it's nerves and anxiety over making such a huge commitment.

What you need to be sure of is your own integrity to keep the vows you make on your wedding day. Make sure that the vows are the highlight of the day, as they are most important. And make sure you do not vow anything you are not prepared to follow through on - 100%.

It is after the wedding - maybe weeks, months or years down the road when people often start questioning whether they made a mistake and start believing they married the wrong person. That's because after marriage, you get to know someone on a way different level than before you married.

When you are making this decision, ask yourself difficult questions like can you keep your vows if she becomes chronically ill, or if she gets fat, or if she decides she wants to follow a different religion, or if you find out she has different life goals than you, or when she grows old and wrinkled.... will you still be able to keep your vows? Are you willing to give up your own desires, your own needs, your own will, and always do what is in her best interest, even if it costs you everything? If you can be sure of your own integrity to keep your vows in any and all circumstances, and if you know that you are prepared to do whatever is in her best interest no matter what the cost, then you are ready for marriage, and you can "be sure".

I don't believe that something is "meant to be"...that is far too passive and I believe we have more input into how our lives unfold than most Christians want to admit.

I thought you broke up with your girlfriend?

 

[Kenny'sID]

is that too simplistic?

Depends on the doubts, but in the end, no one on earth can be absolutely sure. If everyone waited to be 100% certain, good chance we wouldn't be here to have this conversation.

 

[GeorgeJ]

Nothing is "certain" in life or "100% sure".

Marriage is a job....you have to continuously work on it....24/7. It's a two-way street. Give and take....and you BOTH have to want to make it work. You need to go into a marriage realizing that.

For my wife and I, it's been 34 years and counting.

 

[Ben Collyer]

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Depends on the doubts, but in the end, no one on earth can be absolutely sure. If everyone waited to be 100% certain, good chance we wouldn't be here to have this conversation.

the doubts boil down to this question: Do I really want to marry this particular woman? because my feelings for her are not all that intense...but at the same time, I've learned from countless testimonies from married people that romantic feelings are cultivated within a marriage, as opposed to being a reason
TO get married

Being sure is not a criteria. In fact a lot of people have cold feet - it's nerves and anxiety over making such a huge commitment.

What you need to be sure of is your own integrity to keep the vows you make on your wedding day. Make sure that the vows are the highlight of the day, as they are most important. And make sure you do not vow anything you are not prepared to follow through on - 100%.

It is after the wedding - maybe weeks, months or years down the road when people often start questioning whether they made a mistake and start believing they married the wrong person. That's because after marriage, you get to know someone on a way different level than before you married.

When you are making this decision, ask yourself difficult questions like can you keep your vows if she becomes chronically ill, or if she gets fat, or if she decides she wants to follow a different religion, or if you find out she has different life goals than you, or when she grows old and wrinkled.... will you still be able to keep your vows? Are you willing to give up your own desires, your own needs, your own will, and always do what is in her best interest, even if it costs you everything? If you can be sure of your own integrity to keep your vows in any and all circumstances, and if you know that you are prepared to do whatever is in her best interest no matter what the cost, then you are ready for marriage, and you can "be sure".

I don't believe that something is "meant to be"...that is far too passive and I believe we have more input into how our lives unfold than most Christians want to admit.

I thought you broke up with your girlfriend?

I did break up with her, but I recently had a talk with a friend, I told him I was feeling anxiety/jealousy when I thought about her marrying someone else...he said I should pray for her future husband and their marriage, So I did, and my anxiety/jealousy was replaced by joy/peace...

before I did this, I imagined our wedding day with dread...so after praying for her and her future husband...I then reimagined our wedding day in the context of me being a living sacrafice and I felt a tangible sense of excitement ...which was quickly replaced with a thought saying "someone else could love her so much more than me"

Im doing more soul searching after the break up...

 

[Ben Collyer]

I suppose another question is, is it unwise to marry a girl you not in love with? but who otherwise is an attractive and godly woman?

 

[Kenny'sID]

the doubts boil down to this question: Do I really want to marry this particular woman? because my feelings for her are not all that intense...but at the same time, I've learned from countless testimonies from married people that romantic feelings are cultivated within a marriage, as opposed to being a reason
TO get married

Thanks for responding with particulars.

I would call those common doubts, the type I would at least consider getting over.

 

[GeorgeJ]

I suppose another question is, is it unwise to marry a girl you not in love with? but who otherwise is an attractive and godly woman?

YES, it is unwise.

Let me get this straight in my head. You want to marry a girl you broke up with who currently has another boyfreind?

 

[Ben Collyer]

YES

I let me get this straight in my head. You want to marry a girl you broke up with who currently has another boyfreind?

nope, she is single and is just trying to deepen her relationship with God at the moment whilst also looking out for a husband, she acknowledges she has made marriage an idol up to this point.

 

[Tolworth John]

There is one simple question.

Why do you want to marry this girl?

2ndary question. If you don't marry her what happens to your life? If you say nothing, it just continues. Don't marry her.

 

[GeorgeJ]

nope, she is single and is just trying to deepen her relationship with God at the moment whilst also looking out for a husband, she acknowledges she has made marriage an idol up to this point.

Do you love her? Does she love you? If the feeling ain't mutual don't even think about getting married. Going into marriage thinking you'll fall in love after the fact is like jumping into a lake if you can't swim thinking you won't drown.

 

[Ben Collyer]

There is one simple question.

Why do you want to marry this girl?

2ndary question. If you don't marry her what happens to your life? If you say nothing, it just continues. Don't marry her.

The Idea of marrying her appeals to me because I get to share my life with another christian and serve God whilst enjoying the benefits of a wife...and also the joy of being a husband

and yes, life continues if I do not marry her, I trust in God that he will bless me anyway, to think that life ends if we split up is worldly and rooted in fear

 

[Ben Collyer]

Do you love her? Does she love you? If the feeling ain't mutual don't even think about getting married. Going into marriage thinking you'll fall in love after the fact is like jumping into a lake if you can't swim thinking you won't drown.

Yes I love her, but im not in love with her as such, she is in love with me.

 

[Tolworth John]

The Idea of marrying her appeals to me because I get to share my life with another christian and serve God whilst enjoying the benefits of a wife...and also the joy of being a husband

and yes, life continues if I do not marry her, I trust in God that he will bless me anyway, to think that life ends if we split up is worldly and rooted in fear

You want to marry someone because you like the idea of being married to them!

Don't do it.

There is an old saying, 'Marry in haste, repent at leasure.'

If you are asking the question should I marry her, indicates you are not certain and if you're not 100% certain don't do it.

 

[Ben Collyer]

You want to marry someone because you like the idea of being married to them!

Don't do it.

There is an old saying, 'Marry in haste, repent at leasure.'

If you are asking the question should I marry her, indicates you are not certain and if you're not 100% certain don't do it.

Why not? you havent given any reasons friend, biblical reasons

 

[GeorgeJ]

You want to marry someone because you like the idea of being married to them!

Should he go into this NOT liking the idea of being married to her?

 

[Ben Collyer]

also how do we account for articles like this if certainty is a must?

Brother, You're Like a Six | Boundless

"
The world tells us that the way to know whether two people are "right for each other" is to measure the white-hot physical attraction between the two, combined with the idea of "chemistry" on steroids — their ability to effortlessly have day-long conversations anytime about anything, punctuated by the quick, witty exchanges found mostly in edgy independent comedies. In our culture — and in many churches — "attraction," whether purely physical or "chemistry-related," is considered the foundational way to evaluate a potential marriage relationship.

Biblical Christians, however, are called to think differently. We are to use Scripture as the measure of our desires. We are to take every thought, every area of our lives captive to the Word of God. Thankfully, "attraction" does play a role in finding a husband or wife. Read Song of Songs sometime. Biblically, however, attraction as the world understands it cannot be the foundation on which a godly marriage is built."

 

[Tolworth John]

Why not? you havent given any reasons friend, biblical reasons

Marriage in the bible is for life, no divorce, which is why it could be repent of the marrage at leasure.
Also marriage in the bible was arrnged by the parents of the bride and groom.
There is no need for biblical verses to guide your decision.
If you are certain you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, marry her. If you are not certain don't.

Asking this question on this forum indicates you are not certain.

May I suggest you talk to your pastor as he'll know both of you and will be able to give you better advice based on his knowledge of you.

 

[Tolworth John]

Should he go into this NOT liking the idea of being married to her?

No one should go into marriage being cetain that that is what one wants.

 

[GeorgeJ]

I'm going to go back and state again that nothing in this life is 100% certain....and I'm bowing out. This thread is starting to go in circles.