Do you have a good marriage

Puptart

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We have a fantastic marriage. Would I want people to "emulate" us? I don't really think that would work, as we're very.. "different" people than what I would consider the average couple to be :D The way we operate would not fit well with others. I also don't believe life is about picking a hero or role model and trying to be like him or her. It's just about being who you are. It's fine to draw inspiration from others, but I wouldn't want to "emulate" someone.
 
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JaneFW

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If I think aobut it it all woudl go back to BALANCE..Finding a balance where BOTH are at minimum "content to dwell"..and at relative peace is a "good marriage" and there is not "one way" for every couple to do that..let alone how one couple reaches that balance necessarrily can be "emulated' by anotoher couple to attain the same reuslts..Its POSSIBLLE it can but there is no gaurantee.because its two whole seperate and unique individuals..
ITA. Balance is a good word, and also "relative" peace. I am content to dwell with my husband, and there is relative peace. I don't believe that anyone has the specific answer, because all individuals are different, and therefore all marriages are different, and NO marriages are perfect, because there are no perfect people.
 
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WalksWithChrist

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I have a good marriage, but I don't believe anyone should "emmulate" any marriage. Marriages are specific to that couple, and there's no formula or technique that can be followed for a good marriage. What works for me and my wife ( or you and your wife) may not work for other couples.
This is the spirit of my reply as well.

Marriages are like recipes. You can follow a basic recipe, but most people end up adding their own ingredients and making changes.
:)
 
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BigDaddy4

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We have a fantastic marriage. Would I want people to "emulate" us? I don't really think that would work, as we're very.. "different" people than what I would consider the average couple to be :D The way we operate would not fit well with others. I also don't believe life is about picking a hero or role model and trying to be like him or her. It's just about being who you are. It's fine to draw inspiration from others, but I wouldn't want to "emulate" someone.


I'm seeing a lot of similar responses that there are "good", "great", or "fantastic" marriages, but not really any agreement that theirs should be "emulated".

That's fine and dandy, but I was curious if any of these couples are in a position or have been asked to be mentors to other couples?

Sorry if this question is off topic. I will remove it if it is so as to not derail the thread.
 
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SharonL

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I have a wonderful marriage - married 53 years. My advice is 'pick your fights' - not everything is worth making a fuss over. If I can keep away from saying 'you need to' or you 'ought to' we don't have words. If he does something I don't like 'grin and bear it' it's his home too. He does the same for me.He has ideas of his own - I don't try to change them. If he wants to help - I say 'thank you' if he doesn't - I keep quiet.
 
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A

Anessa14

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although we are still dealing with problems, we are committed, and we are both happier together than apart.

Interesting this thread would be started; we had dinner last night with my 28yo nephew & his girlfriend and I asked them what future plans they had. Sean (the neph) said he didn't see himself married with children- that the only marriages he had ever seen that worked are my older sister's, my older brother's and mine, and he knows about the lightening strike that hit my marriage, and has watched us stand together & rebuild. On the way home, DH & I were talking about how sad it is that this guy has only 3 marriages he can point to that are solid. He never knew my parents or grandparents (they passed away before he was 5). I recall all my aunts & uncles, my grandparents, my parents, the church folks.... I had so many more models of marriage than my husband did and now my dear nieces & nephews. That's the history we're giving this next generations.
A
 
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LinkH

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although we are still dealing with problems, we are committed, and we are both happier together than apart.

Interesting this thread would be started; we had dinner last night with my 28yo nephew & his girlfriend and I asked them what future plans they had. Sean (the neph) said he didn't see himself married with children- that the only marriages he had ever seen that worked are my older sister's, my older brother's and mine, and he knows about the lightening strike that hit my marriage, and has watched us stand together & rebuild. On the way home, DH & I were talking about how sad it is that this guy has only 3 marriages he can point to that are solid. He never knew my parents or grandparents (they passed away before he was 5). I recall all my aunts & uncles, my grandparents, my parents, the church folks.... I had so many more models of marriage than my husband did and now my dear nieces & nephews. That's the history we're giving this next generations.
A

That's a good point. It is important for there to be 'emulatable' marriages for other people to look at. It encourages other people. Young people really need role models in this area, especially if a lot of the marriages they have seen have ended in divorce. Some old people could benefit from role models.

By 'emulate' I had in mind a marriage being good enough for other people to use it as a role model and imitate aspects of it, and having a marriage that is strong and healthy enough that both husband and wife feel confident offering advice to other couples without worrying that they are being hypocritical because their own marriage has major problems in it.

This reminds me of the Catholic commercial about marriages effecting a lot of people that keeps coming on the radio.
 
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JaneFW

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That's a good point. It is important for there to be 'emulatable' marriages for other people to look at. It encourages other people. Young people really need role models in this area, especially if a lot of the marriages they have seen have ended in divorce. Some old people could benefit from role models.

By 'emulate' I had in mind a marriage being good enough for other people to use it as a role model and imitate aspects of it, and having a marriage that is strong and healthy enough that both husband and wife feel confident offering advice to other couples without worrying that they are being hypocritical because their own marriage has major problems in it.
I cannot imagine any marriage that does not have problems - because we are, are we not, sinners to a man and woman? So this perspective of the marital nirvana is not something that I believe in.

Far from being "hypocritical", on the contrary, I have learned TONS from people who have been through incredible troubles, who have been to the brink of complete despair, and almost to the point of divorce, and then miracles have happened. That to me is worth SO much more to me. I had a great thread about it last year, and maybe I should pull it up, because there were some wonderful testimonies from people who had been through the mill and through their own hard work and prayer, their marriages had survived.

I can't learn from someone who tells me 'just do x and y and it will all work out'. That's cookie cutter stuff and doesn't fit all circumstances.
 
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LinkH

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Jane,

It would only be hypocritical if a couple pretends to have it all together and puts their marriage forth as an example to emulate, when they have major problems in their marriage.

All marriages have problems of one sort or another, but not all marriages have major problems. Adultery, fighting all the time, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, abuse, rebellion, etc. are what I would call 'major problems'. Someone who has major problems in their marriage might be able to offer someone else encouragement. But the couple would not be suitable 'marriage mentors' for another couple where they serve as a role model, take them under their wing in regards to marriage, etc.
 
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JaneFW

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Jane,

It would only be hypocritical if a couple pretends to have it all together and puts their marriage forth as an example to emulate, when they have major problems in their marriage.

All marriages have problems of one sort or another, but not all marriages have major problems. Adultery, fighting all the time, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness, abuse, rebellion, etc. are what I would call 'major problems'. Someone who has major problems in their marriage might be able to offer someone else encouragement. But the couple would not be suitable 'marriage mentors' for another couple where they serve as a role model, take them under their wing in regards to marriage, etc.
But that couple is hardly likely to want to take others under their wing, are they? I mean, under what circumstances would, firstly, that couple offer, and secondly, others want to take their advice? I mean, is this even a real issue?

As for your laundry list: adultery and abuse are the major issues that cause bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. People don't get bitter because their spouse didn't fill the dog's water bowl.
 
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LinkH

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As for your laundry list: adultery and abuse are the major issues that cause bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. People don't get bitter because their spouse didn't fill the dog's water bowl.


Some people have attitude problems and get angry and bitter over small things.
 
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JaneFW

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Some people have attitude problems and get angry and bitter over small things.
And who are you to judge what are small things? What is small to you from outside of a marriage may be huge to the people inside the marriage, who know the full story, which you - as an outsider - do not, and never will.
 
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M

MessianicMommy

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I'm seeing a lot of similar responses that there are "good", "great", or "fantastic" marriages, but not really any agreement that theirs should be "emulated".

That's fine and dandy, but I was curious if any of these couples are in a position or have been asked to be mentors to other couples?

Sorry if this question is off topic. I will remove it if it is so as to not derail the thread.

Personally, no. Not really. I only know 4 other couples through my DH (his friends) and none of them are Christian other than "culturally".

I know a few moms/dads in passing from my kid (soon kids) going to kindergarten, but nothing to actually really discuss with anyone about anything other than "Yeah ______ and ______ can't have any gluten, or unkosher items, and _______ additionally can't have milk. What are you making <or> what is the theme so I can bring something to the birthday party?"

I have met my downstairs neighbors, but we have conflicting schedules and I only tend to see them when they, or we, are coming or going.

My brother is divorced, and my sister is in an abusive marriage. Both are across the ocean. She has actually been married 2 years longer than I have. Anything I say is couched in the "older sister" dynamic anyhow. :sorry:

I only know 2 unmarried couples, and those are friends of DH, other than his cousin and her boyfriend, and she has made it more than obvious she is uninterested in christianity.
 
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LinkH

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And who are you to judge what are small things? What is small to you from outside of a marriage may be huge to the people inside the marriage, who know the full story, which you - as an outsider - do not, and never will.


I'm not judging anyone's individual marriage. I just pointed out some people can get bitter over small things.

Some people can argue over extremely small things, too. :cool:
 
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JaneFW

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I'm not judging anyone's individual marriage. I just pointed out some people can get bitter over small things.
And that is a judgement because you are "judging" that those are "small" things without any insider knowledge - unless of course you are talking about your own marriage. That is the only marriage that you can be sure that you know most of the details on and can accurately point out things about.

Some people can argue over extremely small things, too. :cool:
Then drop the rope and stop arguing with me.
 
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Athene

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I'm seeing a lot of similar responses that there are "good", "great", or "fantastic" marriages, but not really any agreement that theirs should be "emulated".

That's fine and dandy, but I was curious if any of these couples are in a position or have been asked to be mentors to other couples?

Sorry if this question is off topic. I will remove it if it is so as to not derail the thread.

i wouldn't mentor another couple, I have absolutely no idea how to go about it and would hate to fall in to the trap I've seen amongst many do-gooder mentor wannabies in that they just try and turn somebody elses marriage in to a carbon copy of their own.
 
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JaneFW

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i wouldn't mentor another couple, I have absolutely no idea how to go about it and would hate to fall in to the trap I've seen amongst many do-gooder mentor wannabies in that they just try and turn somebody elses marriage in to a carbon copy of their own.
:thumbsup:
 
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LinkH

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And that is a judgement because you are "judging" that those are "small" things without any insider knowledge -

I'm not talking about any specifically. Who am I judging?

Have you never met anyone who gets bent out of shape over small things that shouldn't matter, who are always finding something to get upset about?
 
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JaneFW

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I'm not talking about any specifically. Who am I judging?

Have you never met anyone who gets bent out of shape over small things that shouldn't matter, who are always finding something to get upset about?
You are judging anyone who you think has what you consider to be "small things" that they are bitter about. Yes, I have met a few eeyores, but again, who am I to judge. What seems small to me might be a mountain to them.
 
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LinkH

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You are judging anyone who you think has what you consider to be "small things" that they are bitter about.

No I am not.

Yes, I have met a few eeyores, but again,
How can you say you aren't judging by your own definition. You even proved my point that such people exist.

who am I to judge.
Then don't.

What seems small to me might be a mountain to them.
Okay, that's fine. I don't have a problem with that. Why would you say you know people who get upset over small things then?


Btw, does every small thing have to be argued about?
 
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