I was in my DivorceCare support group at my church this past Thursday. One of the new members asked a question. This member was a mirror of my situation and well 4 of the other 7 members. Do wives who left really come back? Their wives gave them the same ILYBNILWY(I love you but not in love with you speech) out of the blue and velocity of the wife instigated divorce was dizzying after that. Our DivorceCare counselor offered us sobering stats that 80% of marriages are instigated by the woman and that in his 5 years and seeing dozens upon dozens of men where the wife left he has yet to see one come back and reconcile. I am hoping in my situation I can be the one, and I have done the work on myself, prayed till my knees bled and cried an awfully a lot but my wives attitude has not changed enough to reconcile. She is still in the world, happy to be unyoked form the marriages, dates, goes out with her friends and seems to be happy. I just can't see her changing her mind but are waiting for God's opportunity to soften her heart if she wants to. I watched Fireproof and well cried much of the last third of it.
Man, I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. I've been there. While I haven't been divorced, when I was living a secular lifestyle, I had a live in girlfriend who cheated on me after 7 years together. I never saw it coming and it hit me like a ton of bricks, especially because I caught them in the act, I suppose. So while I haven't been through the hell of divorce, I have been through the hell of being in a long term relationship that you were in that you thought would last forever end suddenly and just blindside you and destroy what you thought was your life.
But trust me when I say this: you don't want her to come back. You may THINK you do because it is so hard when it first happens to you, and you are still going through that seperation anxiety and depression that comes naturally from such a trauma. But the point is this: the leopard won't change its spots. Your ex wife has already proven that she won't honor such commitments, so why would anyone want to take someone like this back? The cold hard truth of the matter is you are seeing the hypergamy of modern American women in action. So many of them don't know what they want. Love is just fleeting feeling, easily falling into and out of; rather than realizing TRUE love for what it is: a height to be climbed. Men OR women shouldn't want to be with anyone who has these attitudes. If she came back, she would probably do the same thing all over again when the next opportunity came. Hypergamy. Once you get over this initial hump of pain (and it is BAD) you will be much better for it. You don't need her, and you don't need another relationship in general, at least not yet. You have got to find yourself again, become accustomed to and be happy living life on your own again. For so long your identity has been wrapped up in the context of the marriage, the relationship and the family, that you may be finding yourself without an identity. You may be asking who am I? Now what do I do? Take the time to really live out those answers before you even consider another relationship, and when you do, I would encourage screening your possible relationship candidates very closely; or even foregoing american women altogether, and look at trying foreign women in countries that still hold fast to more traditional values, to whom the word 'divorce' is an evil thing as it should be. You are right that american women initiate 70-80% of the divorces in this country, and it is good that you are waking up in this way. You have to; or else you run the risk of being stuck in this game forever. You may want to opt out of this culture of serial monogamy altogether for relationships in the future.
And if you own that movie Fireproof, I suggest you take it out of the dvd player and smash it. And if you own any of the study guides or booklets for it, throw them in the dumpster. Why? This movie represents so much of the PROBLEM and not the cure. I am sorry about the painful reaction it gave you. It gave me a painful reaction too, but for an altogether different reason. This movie exemplifies how the church seems quick to shame men, and at the same time give women a free pass, never holding them accountable for anything. It just tells you that as a man, you need to jump through hoops over and over again, creating an atmosphere of perpetual courtship and excitement for your spouse, or you will lose your wife forever because she can and will do better than you. Movies like this and Pastors like Mark Driscoll lay all the blame on men, while never applying the same standard to women. If this movie is so moral, and so Christian, then why doesn't it deal with the wife's mental infidelity as she fantasizes over the good doctor and leaving Kirk Cameron's character because she thinks she can be with him and be happier? If you watch that movie again before you smash it, you will see signs of thinly veiled misandry in it. Oh, he better 'man up' and woo her again so he can win her back....meanwhile it's okay that she's running around with another guy and thinking about leaving him for that other guy. She is free to do whatever she wants for the simple fact that she is a woman, seemingly above all reproach and accountability. I say this: Who would WANT to be Kirk Cameron's character, worshipping at the altar of woman, grovelling at her feet so she deems him worthy to be with her, and not leave him for another man? In essence, all the wife in that movie is doing is selling herself to the highest bidder. It just so happens that Cameron's character ends up being the highest bidder in the end. Who in their right mind would want a woman like this? I'm sorry for being so blunt, but man, I don't want to see you going down this road. There is no accountability for the actions of women in the church anymore. You don't hear Mark Driscoll telling women to 'lady up' and stop initiating divorces. You hear him screaming at men to 'man up' and pedestalize these women, the perpetuators of serial monogamy. No one bothers to mention the fact that so many times they are the first to push for the commitment, then the first to break it. So take solace in the fact that you are by no means alone. In fact, it sounds like you can see it right there in your divorce class.
This may be a horrible time for you; but in a way God may have blessed you. You clearly weren't meant to be with this person, and ultimately you are far better off without her. It's just hard to accept that at first. You deserve someone who honors and values the commitments they make the same way you do, Biblically and before God. Don't settle for anything less. Like I said, consider going overseas if you ever want to marry again.
Also, if it would be a help to you as you go through this difficult time, if you PM me I can send you some articles that would enlighten and better help you to understand the sad state we are in when it comes to marriage and relationships. When I went through my own nightmare, educating myself was a major step in my healing process.
Finally, as a 'parting shot' so to speak:
"I find it very ironic that men with such insulting and stereotype-driven views of women are sitting around griping that WOMEN are to blame for divorce. Really? You don't think your disrespect towards women have anything to do with it?"
.....I think you have it backwards. Men's 'attitudes' concerning women are the RESULTS from what has been done to them. What you are seeing here is REACTIONARY based upon personal experience, and backed up by the facts. Unless you've been through such a traumatic event yourself: being slapped with divorce papers you didn't want or never saw coming, or went through the heavily biased divorce and family courts; having your life, your house, your children, and a sizable chunk of your wealth and assets ripped from you solely because your partner 'was in love with you but not in love with you' or 'I want to go find myself' is completely unfair to the men who have had to endure such trauma. OF COURSE that is going to change the way we view women.
I would counter that YOU are the one who is showing disrespect. Have you no sympathy for the men who have had to endure such nightmares? But such a response is typical of feminism; claiming perpetual victimhood (it's the man's fault because of his attitude! it's always the man's fault!); and then hurling accusations and insults around without the reason, logic, or facts to back it up. How is a man stereotype driven if he is reporting statistical figures? How is he being disrespectful for reporting his own experience and the experience of others around him? The truth is just the truth; whether feminists choose to ignore it or not.
Until we start holding BOTH parties equally accountable, both legally and in the church (morally) then the state of marriage in western nations will continue to deteriorate until it becomes wholly irrelevant and ultimately collapses as an institution.
