Do women really come back?

[lwg8tr]

I was in my DivorceCare support group at my church this past Thursday. One of the new members asked a question. This member was a mirror of my situation and well 4 of the other 7 members. Do wives who left really come back? Their wives gave them the same ILYBNILWY(I love you but not in love with you speech) out of the blue and velocity of the wife instigated divorce was dizzying after that. Our DivorceCare counselor offered us sobering stats that 80% of marriages are instigated by the woman and that in his 5 years and seeing dozens upon dozens of men where the wife left he has yet to see one come back and reconcile. I am hoping in my situation I can be the one, and I have done the work on myself, prayed till my knees bled and cried an awfully a lot but my wives attitude has not changed enough to reconcile. She is still in the world, happy to be unyoked form the marriages, dates, goes out with her friends and seems to be happy. I just can't see her changing her mind but are waiting for God's opportunity to soften her heart if she wants to. I watched Fireproof and well cried much of the last third of it.

 

[McScribe]

I don't know, man, went through much the same thing. I'm sorry, I know it is hard, and that you are grieving.

 

[lwg8tr]

I don't know, man, went through much the same thing. I'm sorry, I know it is hard, and that you are grieving.

Yea when women make up their mind it usually stays made up. Mine is not a Christian, fully in the world and told our counselor the one time she went she just did not think she could get over past resentments and thought the 18 years was a good run but that season had passed and in her words, ‘Wanted to find a man that was her true love and could give her butterflies, that him and I are good friends but there is no passion". I know there is a million things we could parse that statement into, how wrong, selfish and naive, but what is the point. I have moved on, but am waiting just in case. I have done the No More Mr. Nice Guy book exercises and have made me stronger and more confident guy. My church group tells me that to wait and I will get a strong message from God to let her go or not and I do get mixed signals from her. I just can’t get any clear signals. It’s been months and the heartbreak is overwhelming. Almost everything I have read and spoke to other men about said it HAS to come from her, all you can be is loving, try and fulfill her love language and let her come to you. Any pushing or prodding could further cement in her mind you are a needy, weak, groveling man, lacking in testosterone and pride. She has destroyed us financially and put our children through all the trauma all because she wanted to find true love, why would I want somebody so selfish back?

So I stay in limbo, spending the holidays alone and she as a big News Years Eve bash planned, my kids will be with her and all her in the world friends getting drunk and celebrating her liberation. To be brutally honest I love my kids but if I had eyes into the future 18 years ago I would have never asked her out on a second date and in retrospect I almost didn’t. I at the time was desperate for a GF and would take anyone. So my wife and had sex on the first date, fell into what we thought was love and after the kids came in 1995 the marriage tanked romantically. I think there is a deep love there and she does to, but her in the world thinking is she should feel that first 2 years romantic love all the time. This whole situation was precipitated by an awful case of midlife crisis, a dramatic appearance change, including her getting in shape and losing 40lbs and gaining her confidence back and well her disillusionment with life in general. We all know in the world folks NEVER find fulfillment in the world but what can we do if someone is hellbent on chasing after the mirage of 24/7 bliss.

 

[iambren]

Yes, my wife came back to me apologized and made it an opening to reunion. We were in our 20s, she ran wild out of the marriage then repented. BUT, I was not interested at that point so we went our separate ways.

I had a patient who after 43 years of marriage had his wife enter their living room, announce she had met someone else, then left with a guy to Florida. After 6 mos the novelty wore off, she returned home to ask for her marriage back. He said no also.

So it definitely happens but people move on if the timing is not right. Don't let it be a snare to stagnation for you, do your best to not unrealistically hope, rather work to move on.

 

[lwg8tr]

Yes, my wife came back to me apologized and made it an opening to reunion. We were in our 20s, she ran wild out of the marriage then repented. BUT, I was not interested at that point so we went our separate ways.

I had a patient who after 43 years of marriage had his wife enter their living room, announce she had met someone else, then left with a guy to Florida. After 6 mos the novelty wore off, she returned home to ask for her marriage back. He said no also.

So it definitely happens but people move on if the timing is not right. Don't let it be a snare to stagnation for you, do your best to not unrealistically hope, rather work to move on.

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I am moving on, I work out, lost all my marriage weight, have a great supportive group of guys at church and do counseling. I am not waiting with baited breath for her to change her mind, because the odds are she won't, the MO for wives that leave is her to find exactly what she is looking for, a guy any guy that gives her romantic feelings, possibly marry and rinse and repeat, disillusionment and divorce AGAIN..I was #2. Anyways that is her cross to bear, I will find love again when I am ready with wife or someone else and be equally yoked.[/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'][/FONT]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Funny that the dumpee rejects the dumper, works out that way when men get rejected after they cheat on their wives and leave and comeback.[/FONT]

 

[Conservativation]

see "serial monogamy" as the new morality on sex for Christian women

 

[lwg8tr]

see "serial monogamy" as the new morality on sex for Christian women

True, very true. My soon to be ex has sorta articulated that. She wants in her 40's to find a guy to give her that tingly feeling and then to further the fanatsy take care of her and my two kids the rest of her life, give her fabulous trips, material goods, complete financial security, great sex. You know your basic delusion. Men in their 40's and 50's not Godly men, want one thing, usually get it and then discard, the ones that don't are such basketcases with child support, alimony and ex issues they are not worth the time. I have a single divorced friend at work, she said, the good ones are married and the rest well they are the rest. Yet women who leave think they are the one, the exception, they know of a friend whose 3rd husband is just great......

 

[Tannic]

True, very true. My soon to be ex has sorta articulated that. She wants in her 40's to find a guy to give her that tingly feeling and then to further the fanatsy take care of her and my two kids the rest of her life, give her fabulous trips, material goods, complete financial security, great sex. You know your basic delusion. Men in their 40's and 50's not Godly men, want one thing, usually get it and then discard, the ones that don't are such basketcases with child support, alimony and ex issues they are not worth the time. I have a single divorced friend at work, she said, the good ones are married and the rest well they are the rest.Yet women who leave think they are the one, the exception, they know of a friend whose 3rd husband is just great......

I've seen this played out to many times with friends and some parts of my family. It's hard from I see.

 

[lwg8tr]

I know this may get the ire of some here, but to follow up on my opinion of the delusion of 35+ divorced women and the fantasy of remarrying a rich, stable, good looking guy. I consider myself an average guy, decent looking, in good shape, financially secure, well read with a decent sense of humor. After my wife indicated no reconciliation and separation leading to certain divorce I began dating. I joined a dating site and momma mia, I got more women I could handle. I have been out on at least 10 dates with 10 different women, most are engaging, attractive and very desirable as mates. I was not physical with any of them. I met one in particular I am quite fond of, a definite upgrade emotionally and spiritually over my soon to be ex. The common thread was they can’t find any solid normal guys in the 40+ age range. I have taken an unscientific survey of women acquaintances I know at work and are friends and not one said life has been what they expected after divorce, the feelings of relief were soon replaced with anxiety over money, child care issues, having to maintain a household by themselves, etc. Almost everyone thought there was an abundance of willing, attractive men ready to date them and marry. Some I know did remarry but to a person they are having marital difficulties or clearly had to settle. It’s why 60% of 2nd marriages fail and 70% of thirds. Unless there is abuse, addiction or abandonment it’s almost always worth saving the marriage. Women hate to break it to you, all men are 95% the same, sure we may court differently but after about 3 years we all plop on the couch with potato chips on our t-shirt, watch football and basically take you for granted, depressing isn’t it? but you know it’s true. Trading one slob for another will not buy happiness.

 

[McScribe]

It doesn't matter--you find that the men who are being left can be all totally different--it doesn't matter how successful you are. It doesn't matter what kind of attitude you have. What you're saying is quite true. It doesn't seem to matter how good you are as a dad, or how kind you are or how loving--in fact the weird things is that the woman might tell you you are all these things, but still will treat you like crap.

Does this sound like misogyny? It isn't. It is equally deplorable when a man treats a woman this way. The big difference is that men, collectively, don't support men who behave that way. A guy who dumps his faithful wife for a trophy is a jerk, plain and simple.

 

[lwg8tr]

It doesn't matter--you find that the men who are being left can be all totally different--it doesn't matter how successful you are. It doesn't matter what kind of attitude you have. What you're saying is quite true. It doesn't seem to matter how good you are as a dad, or how kind you are or how loving--in fact the weird things is that the woman might tell you you are all these things, but still will treat you like crap.

Does this sound like misogyny? It isn't. It is equally deplorable when a man treats a woman this way. The big difference is that men, collectively, don't support men who behave that way. A guy who dumps his faithful wife for a trophy is a jerk, plain and simple.

Oh I am really going to T off some women with this. I think and this is my observation only. This includes my soon to be ex. Women are much more vain than men. At about 35-45 they have an identity crisis and a sexual awakening. They take stock in their lives and find their whole identity has been wife and mother, not Kim, Susan or Donna. They begin to view the marriage as a cage not a sanctuary. Their divorced friends appear to be having so much fun, serial monogamy with attractive men, being sexually open and well that seduction is too much. It clouds their judgment and reasoning. They feel at their age they can get any man and well their marital problems are amplified, some maybe real some maybe gas lighting. They are seduced by the attention of men 25-65, become intoxicated by it, fantasize about a new mate or sexual dalliance, when in the child rearing years they would not entertain that thought as readily. So there you have the 80% woman initiated divorces, a majority of them for vague personal growth reasons. Oh and this is called courageous and acceptable by their peer group. Men do it and he is scum.

 

[c1ners]

Shouldn't this woman bashing thread be in the private mens forum?

 

[JanniGirl]

Lol!!! "Vague personal reasons". LOL

 

[Conservativation]

Answer to OP

Mostly no.

 

[UK Fred]

?

 

[Conservativation]

Well thats pretty blunt Fred, but the SMP comment is appropo indeed, whether we Christians put heads in sand about it or not.
He was asking though will they come back, not will he allow her to.

The thing is, most will not come back. Those that do may do so because of SMP realizations indeed. Then there are those who come back after a couple of failed other relationships because fuuny thing Ive seen, when they realize these other men have things wrong with them too, they think hmmm, I was used to the issues with hubby, had built a life dealing with them, dont wanna have to do all that again.

 

[hijklmnop]

I find it very ironic that men with such insulting and stereotype-driven views of women are sitting around griping that WOMEN are to blame for divorce. Really? You don't think your disrespect towards women have anything to do with it?

UK Fred I'm mortified on behalf of your wife. The way you spoke of her makes me sad.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Know when things are dead. Release them and bury them. If you continue to work w/the dry bones of dead issues you yourself will begin to decay. You can not change another person. No amount of work will resusciate a one-sided marriage.

"Sign the death certificate and bury the past" (TD JAKES)

Women are generally the ones to "file" for divorce, becuase they are usually more interested in making in legal. Child support/financialissues are more easily discerned when the legal work is done. Anyone usiing the pharse "out of the blue" with regard to a marriage/divorce issue is going to have a hard time accepting the end of a marriage or reconcilling one. Nothing happens "out of the blue", that is just the way it feels IF you have had blinders on w/regard to your situation. Men & women give signs when they are unhappy, they also give signs when they marry for the wrong reasons. If you could not see the signs of a detoriating marriage-seeing the end, which is sometimes just the honest realization that "I do not and never did/or will Love you" by the former spouse, then seeing the "truth" that the marriage is over is difficult.

The fact is-if she left you (and you don't know why-which means you have no idea how to change) there is a 90% chance she's not coming back and a 95% chance she will not be happy even if she does return. Most people give more consideration to leaving a marriage than to beginning one. If a person does not want to be with you Let them go. You really don't have a choice.

Grace

 

[McScribe]

I have heard a lot about the idea that the marriage was deteriorating all along. Well this is obviously true, but that doesn't mean that both people didn't recognize that. It's just that it is not necessarily the logical conclusion that divorce has to be the result. Saying "it came out of the blue" is actually not an unreasonable reaction, because it does come as a shock.

In my own case, there were struggles and unhappiness but there was only in the last month or so a definite sense that something was really really wrong, and she wouldn't talk about it in clear terms until "it's over". What are people supposed to do, just leave when it gets difficult? On the contrary, we are encouraged by our churches and our families a lot of the time to stick things out. Part of being a mature person is questioning your feelings now and then and doing what you believe to be right. So saying "if things don't start changing I'm going to want a divorce" are harsh words but it's way better than "This is the end." Of course it comes as a shock. And I find that there is rarely any good explanation even then.

Now having said all that, I agree with one thing--90% likely that it's over, and even if it didn't seem to be, 95% chance that things won't be good if they aren't. I found it maddeningly hard to accept because there was little real explanation beyond "I'm in love with someone else, and I was never sure I was in love with you anyway." But that is all there is, and so the need to move on, however painful, has to be acknowledged and dealt with.

 

[Ice Cream Sandwich]

I have heard a lot about the idea that the marriage was deteriorating all along. Well this is obviously true, but that doesn't mean that both people didn't recognize that. It's just that it is not necessarily the logical conclusion that divorce has to be the result. Saying "it came out of the blue" is actually not an unreasonable reaction, because it does come as a shock.

In my own case, there were struggles and unhappiness but there was only in the last month or so a definite sense that something was really really wrong, and she wouldn't talk about it in clear terms until "it's over". What are people supposed to do, just leave when it gets difficult? On the contrary, we are encouraged by our churches and our families a lot of the time to stick things out. Part of being a mature person is questioning your feelings now and then and doing what you believe to be right. So saying "if things don't start changing I'm going to want a divorce" are harsh words but it's way better than "This is the end." Of course it comes as a shock. And I find that there is rarely any good explanation even then.

Now having said all that, I agree with one thing--90% likely that it's over, and even if it didn't seem to be, 95% chance that things won't be good if they aren't. I found it maddeningly hard to accept because there was little real explanation beyond "I'm in love with someone else, and I was never sure I was in love with you anyway." But that is all there is, and so the need to move on, however painful, has to be acknowledged and dealt with.

Sorry I'm new here but I agree with you on this. When divorcing with some explanation at least gives some closure to the marriage. There isn't much a person can do when one party wants out. As a matter of fact, the party that's being left is most(not all) of the time better off letting them go there own way but that 'love' thing tends to make someone take them back.

Also for the marriage being over, I believe that's usually the issue with both party not working things out or some other factor that plays a vital role in the matter.