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Do nice/good guys finish last?

Discussion in 'Singles (Only*)' started by Erbard1, May 16, 2022.

  1. ThisIsMe123

    ThisIsMe123 This And That

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    Interesting....I have never valued building friendships with anyone online...I think I had at one time, when chatrooms were promiment in the dial up days in the 90s at most, but now...it means nothing to me.
    I think with me having put myself out there with the Meetup site made me look forward to those real life, in person gatherings

    Nothing beats having all the 5-senses of an in person interaction. Online...there's no body language or inflection, eye contact, etc. We're so disconnected online, that it seems people PREFER to have interaction exclusively online.

    Linux also seems to have this kind of bitterness towards people in his/her own church community, not sure how he/she is outside of it with people.

    I get the feeling that message boards is the only solace for some people. (I mean no offense by this).
     
  2. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    That wasn't the goal back then. The Internet was very different and there were far less people using it. Because the majority didn't own a computer or have service. The demographic was young too. We were able to access it through college. It was a new experience but it didn't replace reality. We knew we were talking to strangers and behaved as such. You didn't trade pictures, phone numbers, etc. in a drop of a hat. You had no idea who you were talking to.

    There was no video back then. ICQ was the most popular messenger followed by Powwow. The latter allowed you to do voice chat. But it always dragged. Hotmail was the email platform of choice. Sensible people avoided AOL. Every incident you heard in the news happened there.

    When MSN and Yahoo messenger arrived that's when video came. You could connect a web cam to your computer and stream the video through the service and voice chat too. That enabled greater connection. Chat rooms were a mixed bag. Half the users were single and the other half were married or partnered. Hopefully, the one hitting on you was truly single. Because a lot them forget their situations when they logged on.

    After a year or so of conversation they began sharing information outside of the medium. You'd see a picture, talk on the phone, learn more about their life and so on. Long distance wasn't free! I swore by MCI's 5 cents a minute Sunday deal. You could spend hundreds per month easily. Phone cards were popular too.

    I met several people and a few came here. The conversations eventually moved beyond the person. I got to know them, their partners, children, siblings, parents, etc. Interactions were more genuine during the first wave. But the second brought greater users. It moved from a fun experience to the first inklings of escape and fantasy.

    We had real time connections whose company was preferable to the computer. You didn't ignore them for this. There were some who lived in rooms and channels back then as well. But it was frowned upon with the often said "log off." You'd tell them to get a life. This wasn't it.

    People didn't come online to make friends. They already had them. Meeting the opposite sex wasn't a guarantee either. The numbers were smaller and the likelihood of finding someone in your vicinity was even slimmer. If you met someone back then more than likely you're moving or they are. Everyone I spoke to lived elsewhere. Different states and countries.

    The second wave brought the greatest exchange of personal information. They were trading it left and right. The period of scrutiny was gone but you still had a life. That was the beginning of online dating. Not the realm based one. But venues and lists that were created to foster connections outside the Internet. The first wave was centered on events but the second was personal. They wanted to form bonds.

    That's when many started dating people they met online. They were taking greater risks and still relocating. But it was possible to find others in your area. Forums were big back then. That was a popular avenue as were chat rooms, channels and mailing lists. When the third wave arrived (the one we're in) everything got crazy. You had dating sites, apps, and Craigslist. Meeting someone through this medium was preferable than doing it otherwise.

    Back in the day it was a maybe and used to widen your net. It wasn't the only one! You met people through usual channels. The escape was solidified and you encountered users with stories you've never heard. No friends, no dates, etc. It was inconceivable before then. The kind of statement that made you pause and say what?

    This is the lone avenue to engage for some. They can't make friends or if they do it doesn't last. Interactions with the opposite sex are harder too. They can't get a dialogue. The solution for both is find your people. Build connections with the friendless and dateless. They'll be more empathetic than the rest.
     
  3. Vinter

    Vinter Active Member

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    So you realy lost your faith for a while there.

    I believed in God despite it all, I questioned His interest in me, I questioned why He created me and everyone else. I questioned alot of things from the Bible. But I always believed God was there.

    At that time I could not live up to His expectations, so I didn't even try. I wanted God to do something for me, to give me an incentive. I was quite arrogant.

    I know a little about the Amish. In the past thought it was an archaic way to live. No way I wanted to live like that. Now I understand why they live like that, still a bit over the top for me, but I understand why it can be appealing to some.
     
  4. ThisIsMe123

    ThisIsMe123 This And That

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    This reminds me of a guy that was a friend of mine that worked at Radio Shack (remember it was still around?) In the 90s I believe. He had a year long online "girlfriend" that he'd chat with and talk on the phone. This was before texting was invented.

    He took a week off of work to go see her across the country, and though she met with him, she was kind of cold and aloof compared to how friendly and flirty she was with him on the phone. They spent the day at the theme park, but it was awkward....the entire week he spent it alone, exploring the city.

    I was like "Wait, what? You only got to spend a single day with her, the rest...she bailed?" I think he acted like he planned on going it alone most of the week off, but I banked on the fact he took the entire week off for her,and not himself".
     
  5. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    I believed God existed. But I didn't believe in the Christian concept of Him. I looked for Him elsewhere in different faiths and practices. They appealed to my hunger for knowledge and challenge. I didn't feel that in church and still don't.

    When you're in the company of people studying obscure texts, learning the language and customs, skills and implementing the practices in their daily lives you're with a different animal. They were seeking the same. But they pursued it with abandon. That was the difference.

    Take your average New Age follower for example. The majority enter with no experience. But they're willing to learn history, herbalism, moon lore, magic, divination, languages, ritual, crystals and gemstones, celebrate the feasts and holidays, and read extensively. They'll hunt for groups and events to meet like-minded people and fellowship and never stop learning.

    They're on the wrong track but look at their effort when compared to believers. The majority have never read the bible from cover to cover. Hebrew? Greek? You've gotta be kidding. Have a Sabbath practice at home? Very few. Follow the liturgical calendar? What is that?

    You'll never work to your capacity with people like that. There's no motivation to go above the norm if the majority are looking for shortcuts. You're forced to rely on self-motivation which steals energy from other things.

    The primary reason evil thrives is because of unity and diligence. They're not slackers. Even the ones who don't realize they're following him. They're hard workers.

    Belief is verb in my world not a noun. It's not about thoughts and feelings. Because action makes it real. If I'm not willing to invest effort in my belief then I really don't believe at all. I like the concept. But until I'm willing to apply it its just words.

    Everyone has a sliver truth. Their way of life seems extreme to most. But look at the results. Their numbers are increasing. They're not looking for converts. They don't need them. They're not talking online. They're communicating in person. They're not going it alone. They have friends and family. They're not undone by hardships because the company supports them. You'd be married with a family if you were Amish and so would I!
     
  6. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    He made a common mistake. When you meet face to face the clock resets. It isn't a continuation of the former. You've engaged with a sliver of the whole. Now you're encountering the missing parts. Whether they exhibit the same behavior or not is immaterial. You start again.

    Some people come online and live out their 'ideal' self. The personality and wit you see on the screen doesn't exist outside of this format. You have to scrutinize differently than you do for in person encounters. And make room for the possibility of difference.

    The scale of difference is the elephant in the room. Is it a completely new person or nuances that didn't come through the screen? There's a lot of playacting and false closeness. You have to read between the lines to gauge their relationship with the world.

    That's why venues like these are better if that's the route you want to take. Because the majority aren't censoring themselves. You'll have a clearer idea of their life and what's in their head. But I wouldn't rely on calls or text. We'd talk on Skype frequently. Body language is telling. You'd spot the differences pretty soon.
     
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  7. ThisIsMe123

    ThisIsMe123 This And That

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    Good points...this situation leads to me and a good friend now that met a woman via an international dating site. They'd been in touch via Zoom for a year, and he had made several trips to her home country in Morocco. He got permission from her parents to marry and proposed in front of them. He got a yes...and will be doing up the paper work (VISA app) to get her back over here.

    Can these methods of communication, constant Zooming and multiple flights to see her in person be more beneficial to form a connection?
     
  8. Vinter

    Vinter Active Member

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    It's too soon to say for me if I can find that in church.

    I would have thought with so many churches in America and it's big country there would be some realy good churches.

    I have heard of those mega churches where it becomes almost like a business instea a church and built on money. I did go to a church a couple of times when I was in my 20's it was a tad too fond of money for my liking.

    Yet another reason why I found you compelling and still do. I admire your zeal, wisdom and your "No two ways about" attitude. When it comes to God.


    I have actually thought about the Sabbath. It's supposed to be on Saturday, but it's changed to Sunday, from what I can tell it is wrong. Following the liturgical calender is something I have to learn.
    I did read up on Lent fast and it used to be a something that we did in Denmark, we called it something else. The fast is not something that is being upheld today to my knowledge.


    True. It can be demoralizing not being around like minded people.

    I understand that.

    Just out of curiosity what would you have called a guy like me if we have crossed paths back then? :)

    That is the truth.
     
  9. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    A bird and a fish can fall in love but where will they build their nest? That’s the first question you must address the second is can you afford it and the third is how often will you visit?

    These are the primary violations in long distance relationships. Failing to ask who’s relocating if it works out. Underestimating the expense of travel and accommodations and infrequent visits.

    Relationships must be solidified with time in person and mutual commitment to work. How much contact is enough? People usually agree with less then they’re miserable when reality hits and their weekends are spent alone.

    Can you handle the psychological strain of living apart for a long duration or are you happiest with frequent contact? The answer determines your boundaries. The maximum distance between the two you can tolerate.

    Research travel expenses and consider the impact inflation has on travel costs. Are you footing the bill, sharing expenses, or taking turns? There’s a lot to consider.

    Can you handle the possibility the green card is a draw? You can’t ignore it. Many see America as the land of opportunity. They’re willing to marry eager men to gain admission.

    When mobility’s on the table you have to proceed with caution. Everyone’s wants adventure but the majority don’t have the resources to pick up and go. If you prefer a second income get someone whose company has a presence here unless you’re willing to move or have a stay-at-home wife.

    Practicality is must for l/d. It must make sense to both to go forward. People withhold a lot to avoid rejection. Make sure you know what you’re taking on. Especially in regard to family. Do they expect you to look after their parents or support their siblings?

    If you’re dealing with a different culture you need to dig deep and find out their circumstances too. Foreigners often believe Americans are rolling in cash. They may expect you do things you didn’t anticipate. But if you’re on the same page, patient and willing to work to make it real you can. Reinforce your presence through small acts and gifts and surprise her often.
     
  10. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    Ask the Lord for guidance and trust His guidance.

    I’m sure there are but given my vicinity and the demographic its understandable.

    I went to a couple. Imperfections aside, the largest saw my gifts immediately. They had no idea I’d been ministering to a homeless man 6 months prior (I was new) but they put me with them for the Alpha program. There were a few in the group that were outside that demographic but we were the most successful of the lot.

    Deliverance from alcohol, gambling and drug addictions. Homes and jobs for most. Reconnections with estranged loved ones and more. And salvation too.

    I was a co-leader and followed the program to a point. I prayed for them continuously, took requests, and had two men laboring with me. And gave them what they lacked—a woman’s touch—not merely in the physical. But in the natural too. I brought dessert and treats all the time and affirmed their masculinity and specialness.

    That wasn’t in the program but I knew it was required. We had a lot breakthroughs as result. And it was lone time I’ve laid hands on another. The stronghold was broken. They’re all in a different place now.

    I wasn’t raised Protestant. My family was Catholic. But the Lord had other plans. I spent hours in the rectory discussing God and in public spaces like the kitchen. They always fed me. My family had been in the parish for decades. I was by myself and never harmed. They fed my spirit.

    I received my first bible from them and read it hungrily. The wisdom texts were my favorite and there were books from the apocrypha too. I gobbled it up. Driven by something I didn’t understand. I felt a similar draw in the convent in my teens. It felt familiar and comforting. I don’t know why. He’s been hovering for years.

    On Sunday mornings they played Christian music. It always began with a certain song I never forgot. And it was my favorite. I would never leave Him but I did and it nearly destroyed me. The magnitude of my mistake would have broken my mind without His intervention. Underneath the confusion and uncertainty I loved Him.

    I didn’t have a special program or instruction. I read the bible at night by flashlight while my parents were sleeping. I was tired the next day but fulfilled. My aunt took me to events, prayer services and exposed me to religious programs on television.

    She taught me the value of wisdom, importance of prayer, and Psalm 91. She was the first to believe and embrace my calling after my daughter. I wouldn’t be the woman I am without her. There’s always a ram in the bush.

    Ask Him how He wants you to honor Him in your home.

    I’d have called you by name. I see much in my interactions. But I’m not meant to place my hands on everyone. I wouldn’t malign someone I’m meant to improve or complicate the task for another. You’d receive seed and truth in the measure you’d accept. But I’m not the only one. I’m one of many He sends for our betterment.
     
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  11. Vinter

    Vinter Active Member

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    @bèlla
    I still have a few of your posts I need to reply to. I will do so in the next few days.
     
  12. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    Take your time its fine. :)
     
  13. linux.poet

    linux.poet Member

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    I don't think it stems from bitterness as much as understanding how powerless people are to help one another, and how much you have to solve your own problems on your own.

    For years, my dad would slander me to other people in the church. He would tell lies about me to anyone whom he could get to listen. When I was younger, sometimes I would correct him, too. This went on for years with church after church. No one rebuked him for his remarks, though I did get some counter-positive-estimations. No one told me or my mother to get help. No Matthew 18 confrontations. They just let it go.

    When I finally figured it all out in 2016 and my dad went to the church for help because I was suffering from an incredibly delusional psychotic episode and he couldn't control me anymore, the pastor we went to proceeded to believe all of my dad's lies, stripped my mom of her greeting ministry for "unrepentant sin" and sentenced her to mandatory counseling when my dad was in the wrong. I ended up having to confront my mom's counselor myself to get her off of my mom's back. That counselor came around to my point of view, but then she went back to the misguided pastor who assigned another counselor couple to help. This last couple tried to twist the Scriptures to try to fix me, so I had to spiritually battle them off with the correct Scriptural interpretation. And my dad, too.

    Meanwhile I also have to come up with a job to end my dad's plan to evict me from the house, and I'm basically a psychological basket case who is being emotionally abused constantly. I can barely articulate myself to explain anything, I'm having obvious psychotic symptoms, and nobody offers anything to help. It's all about how I am disobeying my parents, as if that was even a valid charge that could be brought, since I was actually going to college at the time as much as my mental health issues from the abuse would permit and failing because of said abuse. Hello?! Take a look at the guy on the other side of the table: obvious Ephesians 6:4 and 1 Timothy 5:8 and Colossians 5:8 and Ephesians 4:31-32 violations! How many witnesses do I need to call? Back in those days I could read Ephesians 4:32 and tears would flow. My mom would quote Psalm 139. I knew that God was not putting up with this.

    And I won. My dad quit abusing me and I went back to school.

    But after that, I realized that, in terms of my relationship with God, I was on my own. Nobody in the church, aside from maybe the pastors and my mom, understood what the Scripture actually said. I realized that the Scripture was the solution to all of my psychological issues, and that my dad had taught me sinful thought processes that he was using to take advantage of me, abuse me, and malign my character in front of others. I used Scripture to unlearn them, and my recovery began. But as usual, I had to do everything myself because nobody would really help. In spite of this, I made remarkably rapid progress, completing a full recovery sequence in December 2021.

    True. My abusive dad basically socially isolated me from 2013 - 2016 and the only friends I had were on a Bionicle message board. I would like to think that I have recovered some from that position on the Bible study and chess front, and I did have a few friends in college.

    But...ugh. I have to admit that growing up my family moved a good deal, and my dad wouldn't let friends over, so basically my social time was limited to school, and that wasn't a good friend group. So it was easier to just pull out a book and slide into my introvert hole. And so turning on the computer for me is still the easier way to connect with people, because it's more convenient. But it's not like I'm ignoring someone next to me. I think if @public hermit and me compared notes, we'd have a bit in common, because on most days I'm living my life entirely alone. Which isn't too bad, honestly.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2022
  14. SarahsKnight

    SarahsKnight Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth. Supporter

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    Understanding and Uplifting Bella as always, right, @Vinter ? ^-^
     
  15. Vinter

    Vinter Active Member

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    Always. :ok:
     
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  16. Vinter

    Vinter Active Member

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    You can be a trophy without dressing inappropriately and arm candy too. The woman sets the tone. A man can only do what you permit. If you're willing to compromise your respectability for spoils or an inability to say no or realize what you're doing that's unfortunate. But you have no excuse. If you didn't get it at home you can learn later. There's tons of etiquette books and teachings on the subject. Sometimes ignorance is a choice.

    If we are talking about something like 50's fashion. It would realy stand out in my neighborhood. I like some of the 50's summer dresses, they are realy pretty.
    "Sometimes ignorance is a choice" That's actually a great sentence.



    Modest doesn't equal frumpy. You can wear tasteful clothing that's stylish and isn't visually stimulating. You have to understand the way the item hangs on your body. Some things are cut closer than others. And there's always a focal point. You have to be intentional in your selections to draw the eyes away from those places.

    That's true. It is possible to be stylish and feminine at the same time without being frumpy.

    I think that's a good idea. You don't have join immediately. But I think you'd benefit from the engagement and fellowship. And you'd get to practice your conversational skills too. Win/win.

    I think so too. My social skills have been on hiatus so I am probably a bit rusty.

    I didn't lose anyone over it. But I saw a lot of marriages blow up and relationships too. They came online and found someone else. It happened to heterosexual and gay couples too. And sometimes people changed sides.

    A forum member from a comic book forum I used to be on. He lost his wife. She talked to an old highschool crush and he thought it was harmless, then she bailed on him because the old crush. The forum guy was in his mid 40's or 50's at that time, and he had been married for some years. They also had kids. I can't rememebr if his kids were adult though or if he still had some living at home.

    You can feel a chapter closing in your life and its nearing that point. It's time for something new.
    Yes it is.

    That was so cute! Truthfully its a bit of both. I add my own spin or tweak it for the person or situation. Everything goes back to self-awareness. Not the idealized self but the real person. The clearer you are on that the more you're able to make changes. If you won't see the problem you have no reason to pray to solve it. You think you're fine. But when you know something's amiss you can be more proactive and address it.

    Thanks. About that part, when you don't see the problem and you think you're fine. You know I prayed to meet mystery woman for a long long time. Then I changed to praying for mystery woman. Something struck me. I should have been praying for her from the beginning. I prayed to meet her when I should have prayed for her to meet God. That's something I missed because I was so self-absorbed.

    I would still like to meet her. No doubt about that. If she is single ofcourse. My train of thought is better. I know I may never meet this woman. I also know I am not personaly or spiritually where I should be yet. So when or If I meet her. It realy is up to God.


    That's why I say the things I do and put them in writing. This is an intensive. There's things you'll get immediately and others that will be evident down the road when you recall them. My responses are layered. I'll make a suggestion and tell you why its important. Then we talk about the how and application. You'll have a solid foundation to build on.

    Thank you. It's very much appreciated.

    That's true. You can lead separate lives under the same household and rarely interact. But it isn't healthy. My daughter and I do a lot together and bond everyday. We're really close. I'm demonstrating the necessity of anchoring the household and a welcoming environment that encourages conversation and gathering.

    My mom and I used to play board games when I was a kid and some video games too. We had dinnner at the diner table. If dinner clashed with a cartoon or a TV program that I followed it was okay to eat at the living room. It was an exception, not something that happened often. My mom was interested in my life so we also watched wrestling together. It's not something my mom would watch by herself, but she thought it was entertaining because I liked it so much. My mom was very family oriented, but she never got that nuclear family she wanted. My mom and dad divorced when I was 1½ years old.

    I spent a lot of time learning old fashioned skills. Things you won't see in modern books. I envisioned myself a certain way and worked to become it. I didn't want the guy at club. I wanted something else.

    Self made woman. American made. I can understand why you don want your guy at a club, because time together is precious. I can also understand some guys want to be with the guys and do guy stuff. Me personally I have never been good at male bonding. I am a bit of a loner at heart, but being alone is overrated. My friend from when I was young, we could sit together and be silent, it wasn't awkward silence. That's when you know when you on the same wavelenght, when you can be silent together and it still feels right. Not that she and I had a romantic involvment. But I miss having a connection with someone in real life. Even more so when I want to meet the woman I want to share the rest of my life with. I will definitely be the guy that wants to share as much time with my wife as possible.

    Some of the music is seriously dark. I wasn't into black or death metal. But I've listened to a few songs. I remember a CD a guy shared online. He was raving about the group and said it was his favorite and sent me the link. It had the wrong vibe and felt demonic. I wasn't in church but I knew it was off. Each song seemed to get darker or progressively worse. It left me with a horrible feeling and a need to pray. But he turned me onto Sara Groves too and she's good. And he was a believer!

    I get that feeling with some of the music too. It almost feels invasive. It's funny so many believers actually like metal.

    I am well read. But there were nearly 50 people in that group. That's why I spent so much time talking from sunrise to midnight. I spoke to some everyday by phone, online or both. They shared their experiences with the opposite sex. I have stories you wouldn't believe.

    Oooh sex stories. You peak my curiosity. I used to read women's sex fantasies and sex stories online. I like getting insight in women's thought in this area. Guys are more open, I had several coworkers who told me about their sexual escapades, one of them used to be a sailor. Even so, I'm sure your stories can top mine any day. It makes it even more interesting since you say I wouldn't believe them, because I can imagine alot.:)

    I probably wouldn't have gone that route without the thread. That put it in my face. I wasn't drawn to it otherwise. The groups I liked were intense. But they didn't inspire the right thoughts.

    It was a phase for you and you did learn something from it.

    He gets in my business! Even if I wanted to He'd prod me. Or wake me up for 3am meetings. But its done with love and my best interests in mind and I know that. He's not trying to hurt us. He's trying to prevent our pain and mistakes.

    3am, but that's in the middle of the night. I sometimes wake up in the night, but I do live in a noisy neighborhood, but some of the times when I wake up it's quiet enough and wonder why I woke up. I do pray if something comes to mind, I am awake afterall. But could it be God's doing?

    Overall, I'm not into the bad girl thing. I don't want to be punished. That was true when I was in the world too. There's lines I wouldn't cross. I called them sticky mistakes. The sort I'd have confess to my family or can't admit on a stage. But my mother knew the truth. I always told her what I was up to. Sometimes she was shocked. But she handled it well.

    It's hard to imagine you being so rowdy. I'm sure you can let your hair down, but to the point of you shocking your mom. Still Ones mom can handle alot from their kids. We are their kids.

     
  17. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    Better to stand out for something good than the alternative. Ladies aren't afraid to make a statement. Being true to oneself is a must.



    Don't worry if its the right fit. Get out there and start engaging again.

    Why do you want to meet her? Do you think she'd give you a chance?



    That's unfortunate. Why didn't she remarry?

    I like polish and he isn't hanging out in your local bar or getting wasted in a dive. You don't date or breed with that.


    He needs time with friends and loved ones. I don't have a problem with it.




    You would be wise to have a strong connection with men and a close bond with your spouse. She can't fill the void.



    Not really when you consider what it says and their stories. When you're frolicking in joy there's no way to reconcile the lyrics. It doesn't fit and you're off to something else. You need pain and angst to listen to metal. And disappointment too.

    We did life together and that includes experiences with the opposite sex and others. It wasn't a sex confessional. I wasn't fishing for information or looking for tips. Women aren't like that. What made us different from most was the level of transparency. We didn't try to be pollyanna's or the girl next door with a bucket load of skeletons. We told the truth and that's the difference.




    It's a popular time for warfare and intercession. If something wakes you around that time ask what's on His heart and start praying.



    I wasn't rowdy I was always classy. Even in my worldliness. I wasn't ashamed of anything I did. Not even now. I know its wrong but I enjoyed it at the time and wanted to do it. I own it all and they did too. I've never struggled with guilt or shame. I like what I like and it happened. I know better and I've moved on.

    I can get on a stage and tell my story. I don't care what people think. I don't have to hide in a confessional, forum, bible study, counselor or small group. I can lay it out with no regrets because they have no power over me. I'm not playing a role, worrying about exposure or lying to a companion or loved ones. I tell it all so no one can. That's how you stay ahead of him.

    But when its "under the blood" and you're keeping secrets to get them to the altar or a position in the church or a connection you desire then you're sweating bullets and hoping no one discovers the truth. You'd be surprised how much people hold back. That's why you can't be taken by appearances. You have to ask hard questions and don't allow the remake to blind you to the truth.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2022
  18. Vinter

    Vinter Active Member

    387
    +512
    Denmark
    Christian
    Single
    Better to stand out for something good than the alternative. Ladies aren't afraid to make a statement. Being true to oneself is a must.
    It is best to stand up for something good. I agree.

    Don't worry if its the right fit. Get out there and start engaging again.
    I will get on it.

    Why do you want to meet her? Do you think she'd give you a chance?
    I would rather get a big fat no straight up, than wondering if she might have said yes. Hey maybe she ist he kind of woman who would love guy even if we had to live in a cardboard box.

    A story from danish media gets my hope up. A man changes his job with good pay and alot of travel out with a job as a little league football coach to much lesser pay. He did it because his wife and kids missed him. His wife is happier, he is happier. she even said she could live in a cardboard box with her husband as long as she is with him. In this case love and family outshined money. But they stil have a nice house, so hard to say if push come to shove she would like the cardboard box. But still. Mystery woman might be the loving kind too and not so material as I may think. I will never know if I don't meet her. Sure there is a chance she may consider me dead weight or a loser. No risk no reward.

    That's unfortunate. Why didn't she remarry?
    I remember she had some boyfriends after my dad. She had three, but I only remember two. One lived in Sweden She had this boyfriend before I started in school. It was a long distance relationship so they drifted apart.

    The 2nd one I remember I was 10 years old. He cheated on my mom.


    None of them were marriage material.


    I like polish and he isn't hanging out in your local bar or getting wasted in a dive. You don't date or breed with that.

    I'm sorry, I didn't know you were of polish descent. I assumed you were american because you live in America.

    I was thinking more of nicer clubs, like country clubs.

    No not sleazy bars and clubs like that. No you don't date or breed with that kind of people.


    He needs time with friends and loved ones. I don't have a problem with it.
    Ofcourse it's not good for either husband or wife to sit on each other. It's not good to be clingy.

    You would be wise to have a strong connection with men and a close bond with your spouse. She can't fill the void.
    I will take you advice. Iron sharpens iron.

    Not really when you consider what it says and their stories. When you're frolicking in joy there's no way to reconcile the lyrics. It doesn't fit and you're off to something else. You need pain and angst to listen to metal. And disappointment too.

    You raise a good point.


    We did life together and that includes experiences with the opposite sex and others. It wasn't a sex confessional. I wasn't fishing for information or looking for tips. Women aren't like that. What made us different from most was the level of transparency. We didn't try to be pollyanna's or the girl next door with a bucket load of skeletons. We told the truth and that's the difference.


    So it was like Sex in the city. You all did a alot of fun stuff and shared your experiences?

    It's a popular time for warfare and intercession. If something wakes you around that time ask what's on His heart and start praying.

    I will do that. Thanks.

    I wasn't rowdy I was always classy. Even in my worldliness. I wasn't ashamed of anything I did. Not even now. I know its wrong but I enjoyed it at the time and wanted to do it. I own it all and they did too. I've never struggled with guilt or shame. I like what I like and it happened. I know better and I've moved on.

    Ah okay then. That's cool.

    I can get on a stage and tell my story. I don't care what people think. I don't have to hide in a confessional, forum, bible study, counselor or small group. I can lay it out with no regrets because they have no power over me. I'm not playing a role, worrying about exposure or lying to a companion or loved ones. I tell it all so no one can. That's how you stay ahead of him.

    I don't want any secrets from the woman I will marry. But it's not like I would want to shout my story from the roof top.

    But when its "under the blood" and you're keeping secrets to get them to altar or a position in the church or a connection you desire then you're sweating bullets and hoping no one discovers the truth. You'd be surprised how much people hold back. That's why you can't be taken by appearances. You have to ask hard questions and don't allow the remake to blind you to the truth.
    I will remember that.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. I get a little smarter every time. God bless. :)
     
  19. Vinter

    Vinter Active Member

    387
    +512
    Denmark
    Christian
    Single
    Doh!
    I was rereading your posts to me and I read this. I don't know how I missed this. Sorry about that.
    I haven't finished the book yet. When I am done I will check for the correlation. Thanks. :)
     
  20. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +16,629
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship

    The caveat in your example is that. They're already married. She agreed to spend her life with him. He isn't trying to win her he already did. You're coming from a different place with someone you've never met who's an unbeliever and less likely to be sympathetic. She's in the world.


    For the life of me, I don't know why you'd pursue a connection with that much inequity. Let alone the difference in belief. She has too much working in her favor. Which enhances your lot but what are you doing for her? Everyone will wonder what she's thinking. Her friends won't sing your praises. They'll tell her she can do better.

    People in high demand are less likely to compromise more than most. If they're physically attractive, have means or social standing you can forget it. The majority are seeking the same. They have an endless supply of suitors. They don't have to give someone a chance. There's plenty who meet their standard.

    No one can have everyone. Some people are out of our league. Their expectations and requirements exceed anything we could offer or attain. We'll always fall short. A wise person doesn't set themselves up for that. They'll resent you or wish they were elsewhere.

    You want someone who values your presence and couldn't imagine life without you. Not the person who feels you're weighing them down or hearing the same from others. I'm speaking from personal experience. Not only in my circumstances but the ones I've been involved in and witnessed with others. We chose the best in most instances.

    The best thing you can do at this moment is stay focused and remain close to God. As you improve your circumstances you'll become more discriminating and less tempted by appearances. That's not to say attraction doesn't matter. But the average christian woman isn't beautiful or very attractive either. You may have to adjust your expectations.

    This reminds me of a recent conversation on the subject. We were discussing old fashioned women and their desirability today. My aunt echoed my sentiments above and went a little further. I'll share her thoughts for your edification. She said most old fashioned women aren't pretty or really attractive. You have to look beyond the obvious to see their beauty. It isn't the sort you find in magazines or on a billboard. A lot of men overlook them for that reason.

    She's right. I've been around a lot women who fit that description in the church and outside of it. Ninety-percent or better are relatively average or cute. They're not models. Society esteems beauty to a degree where it discourages the pursuit of womanly attributes beyond the physical. Or she's groomed along those lines to land a successful man.

    When men encounter exceptional women (according to their definition) they don't doddle. They try to nail her down fast. A week is the time frame I've experienced most. The question was exacting with no wiggle room. And it wasn't should we give it a try or something along those lines. They were trying to seal the deal. It's overwhelming when you hear it. You're thinking slow down! What's the rush. He knows what he's found and does everything in his power to have her.

    The type of woman you're interested in determines your competition. If you're chasing big fish you'll be swimming with sharks. You're not dealing with the homebody, loner, or introvert who's afraid to talk. You're up against mister confident, charismatic, and the type that turns women's heads. Those are the men who pursue pretty women. He's not sitting on the sidelines. He swoops down and makes his presence known.

    There comes a point when we have to recognize our position and make rational choices and stop setting ourselves up for failure. Beauty doesn't make a home or marriage. You need more than that for longevity. You have to ask yourself what you're trying compensate through its presence. Maybe that's why its hard to let it go. It's more than skin deep.



    I'm not. I meant polish as in poise and class.


    You must be member or the guest of a current member to do so. Private clubs are another option. They're less expensive and the demographic is younger. You'll find more suitors in that setting than the other. But the majority aren't believers.


    Are you willing to be alone to have the one you want? Will you bypass viable suitors to attain your ideal with the understanding it may not occur? That's what it takes. If you're going to hold out do it for the one who ticks your boxes and makes you a better man. Not for eye candy.
     
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