Do nice/good guys finish last?

[Saucy]

While a marriage is a relationship, and any relationship can be a source of love, and help someone heal from pain, no one should be entering into a marriage for the express purpose of psychological healing, psychological shelter, or money. That is not what that institution is designed for.

If one needs psychological healing, we have a different institution, and that is a therapy office.

Now that doesn’t mean that people who have experienced pain should automatically be disqualified from marriage, but it does mean that those who have gone through pain and then pursue one should understand that it’s not a replacement for the healing process, nor is it designed to assist them in healing. You can’t use another person to fill the pain holes or numb the pain, you need to let God guide you toward healing. Further, it is more responsible to go through the healing process, acknowledge the pain, and deal with that first before pursuing marriage.

That is the general statement. Now I must qualify it.


I apologize for being confusing. The sentence you were replying to means “baggage…contrary to that end.” Or “baggage contrary to that end.” Not the lack of baggage, but baggage specifically contrary to a successful marriage.

I grew up certain that marriage was the ticket to misery, and I was terrified when I started experiencing romantic attraction that I was going to be forced into a marriage like a moth drawn to a flame. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body. Obviously this is a horrible attitude to have toward marriage, and if I had walked into a marriage without dealing with this attitude, it would have been an absolute miserable nightmarish disaster! I would have slowly built up resentment for my husband as my jailer which basically would have just been a fountain of me abusing him, I think.

So I did, in fact, spend years dealing with that baggage - resentment, terror, recognizing that my parents were abusive and their marriage was not how marriages typically work or operate. I had to do that to cultivate a healthy relationship to my romantic attractions and to my body, foremost. Even if I never get married, I can’t have every romantic attraction become a crippling terror. That will impair my ministry effectiveness. I also can’t run around avoiding half the population for fear they might trigger one. As time wore on, I realized that romantic attraction was just a lens to appreciate the men around me (one of many) and I realized it as a good thing rather than a cage. But it took years for that healing process to occur. There was no rushing through it. I had to be through. My husband shouldn’t have to deal with my parents’ wrongs, which is something bèlla said earlier.

The reason I included interests and baggage together was, I realized when I was on the brink of suicide that the only reason I was still alive was to reach people for the Gospel. Encouraging the sanctification process of fellow believers encourages the churches’ witness, but proclaiming the Gospel was the goal. Later I realized that motherhood was also an important Gospel ministry to evangelize and equip the little children to share the Gospel as well, though I should have known that earlier. I persisted in trying to evangelize my fellow students at public school from an early age and was disheartened by my failures. It struck me a bit as cheating the system - making new children just to evangelize them - but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a valid method.

Still, I recognize that my interest in ministry could actually push me away from marriage and my “God first” philosophy may not be helpful. Also, I’m feeling God pushing me toward chess at the moment and traveling around to chess tournaments seems antithetical to staying home and raising kids. These are interests that could make me an unhealthy marriage partner, and it would behoove me to resolve the ministry vs. mom dichotomy in favor of mom before I sign the dotted line and take the ring.



That is for you to know, my friend. I hope that you are correct, and I pray that it is so.

One thing that I should clear up that could prevent a rather huge debate is that there is a difference between men and women on this. Men frequently marry to fill some kind of emotional need - she is his helper, after all, in addition to raising the children. This is healthy and normal. Whereas women marry for more physical reasons, as it is rather hard to work a full-time job and raise children at the same time. Birthing mothers and small children need a lot of TLC, and someone to provide for their physical needs when they are in that physically vulnerable state, and protect them from harm.

Therefore, women may naturally be more therapeutically inclined and the recovery standard for men entering marriage may be lower than that of women such as myself. However, if you have too many unmet issues, it may overwhelm her. I have had entire communities of friends that were around me when I was recovering, and they would tell me when what I was giving them was too much and I needed to go find a therapist. It takes a lot of relationships for one person to recover and see all of their internal problems.

Regardless, I don’t regret my decision to delay marriage pursuit until now, and maybe a little bit later, even. A woman must have her psychological house in order before she signs - how can she assist her husband with what he is facing when she can’t even work on her own mind? Even if some repair can be done after that, given the specific issues I had going on, I’m confident that I did the right thing.

I understand now where you're coming from. Thank you for sharing!

 

[Jonaitis]

Hello!
My name is Ethan, and I’ve had a question stuck in my head and occasionally has caused me to not get to sleep when I should. Basic summation of movie I saw. Two guys save a princess and the first guy and her develop a High school crush with each other but the second guy has zero to little interest in her whatsoever. He’s rougher around the edges, challenging, a bit harsh and occasionally a jerk and at the end of the movie on into the second she falls for the second guy. My question is: I’m always the first one, good guy, try to be a gentleman, but end up losing out to the second.
Do I have to change and be like the second? More challenging, slightly a jerk, harsher then a good guy in order to find and keep someone and do we good guys finish last?

I heard that women are suspicious of nice guys, because it doesn't seem authentic. In my experience, this seems to make sense. It is sad tbh. I dated a woman years ago whom I invested everything to make her happy, only for her to leave me for a friend of mine who only dated her to comfort her during our break-up, but wanted nothing to do with her after that. It is quite sad.

 

[bèlla]

While a marriage is a relationship, and any relationship can be a source of love, and help someone heal from pain, no one should be entering into a marriage for the express purpose of psychological healing, psychological shelter, or money. That is not what that institution is designed for.

What people should do and what they actually do are rarely one in the same. I learned about marriage amongst the people I love. Not a book or sermon. I watched them walk out for better or worse. That’s my benchmark. Things look different behind closed doors. They’re my example.

 

[bèlla]

@Vinter

I was sharing her with someone else and thought of you. I discovered her one evening through another while chatting. I was feeling low and he led me to her. God was pursuing me then.

This song was an anthem of sorts. I emerged from my slumber and never looked back. And I pray you do the same. I’ve seen her perform several times. She’s really talented.

Here’s the lyrics.

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
I’m coming alive
I’m coming alive
Look what I’ve been missing

 

[linux.poet]

What people should do and what they actually do are rarely one in the same. I learned about marriage amongst the people I love. Not a book or sermon. I watched them walk out for better or worse. That’s my benchmark. Things look different behind closed doors. They’re my example.

While I am grateful that you had such a witness and a learning opportunity, my words are written on behalf of those who did not have such a luxury. Thank you for the clarification, however. That is the context in which your words should be understood, in the context of someone with a healthy family background.

I’m just saying that adversity doesn’t necessarily make for a good marriage, is the point I’m going for. One should be wary of desperate women fleeing adversity and not take them into a marriage without an examination.

As for my statements about recovery, I have backed up my words with my actions, and I will continue to do so. What I should do is what I will do as regards God’s Word, ministry, and marriage. Otherwise, I hurt others.

My goal is to be effective for Christ, regardless. When I stand before Him, as far as it depends on me, the abuse will be a footnote, and not what my life was defined by. But time will bear that out.

 

[bèlla]

@Vinter

This reminds me of you. I’ve lived these words.

Lyrics

 

[bèlla]

That is the context in which your words should be understood, in the context of someone with a healthy family background.

I shared an opinion. Sometimes that’s all it is. While my experiences were good every remark isn’t a reference to my home. I’ve lived a lot since then.

 

[bèlla]

@Vinter

Out of all her songs this is the one that really stands out. You’ll understand when you hear it.

Lyrics

 

[bèlla]

@Vinter

I gave you three songs last night. They're bookends and lessons. The first is a reminder of where you stand. The second is a reference to where you've been. And the third is a warning. If you sit on your hands, throw in the towel or stop fighting you'll have a similar regret.

I was inspired by something I saw yesterday. The public expression of pain and loss due to missed opportunities. Choices have consequences and the fees are greater than we expect. We all pay the piper at some point. Keep your eyes on Him and what you're pursuing. Don't get sidetracked or waylaid.

You can hear things that will lead you to believe its hopeless or I don't stand a chance and so on. But you can't listen to that or feed it either. Don't invest energy in bleeding. Because once you do it never stops. The heaviness is always there.

Proust said, "One cannot change, that is to say become a different person, while continuing to acquiesce to feelings of the person one has ceased to be."

When He's doing a new thing you have to stop resurrecting the old. It's dead and gone. The new has come. There's a spiritual principle behind it. Leave it in the grave and embrace the now. Paul "forgot" for a reason (Philippians 3:13).

If you dwell on negative things or what hurts and disappoints you'll be depressed. And if you keep it up you'll have a stronghold. You have to cast down those thoughts and refute rejection and his helpers. And protect your ears.

That's why I'm so indifferent. I ignore a lot. It goes right through my ears or off my back. I don't internalize it. Otherwise you'll be miserable and in the same boat. I dwell in peace and joy. I don't fix my thoughts on hopelessness and woe. And I don't want to hear it either.

The world spends a lot of energy on what's amiss and so does the church. The bible says set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. And whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

No more negative self-talk or musings. Affirm the good and pray against the rest.

 

[Vinter]

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[bèlla]

The video is not available but I did manage to find it on youtube from the song title from the lyrics link. Thanks.

Sorry sweets. I forgot about the location differences.

 

[Vinter]

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[bèlla]

Even though I don't have a woman in my scope. Now is the time to get rid of everything that holds me back. That's one thing I had to realize with mystery woman. If I had met her, it would have been bad timing.

I'm so proud of you!!

There's a method to my madness. I know it can seem I'm harping on things at times but I'm not. I'm reinforcing a point. Because I know if you get it you'll never be the same. Today was magic. I saw the light bulb come on. Now you get it. Truly get it.

I am not where I should be in life. I mean sure there are women who can put up with a guy that works towards their goals, but I am sure not only mystery woman but any woman would expect more in my case. I myself expect more of me.

You can catch up and exceed the position you might have had. Because you're a different man who's developing a different mindset and deepening His trust in God. Expecting more of yourself is fine. Even when you miss the mark. Holding yourself to a standard keeps the needle moving.

The alternative is fatal. Sitting back and hoping they'll accept everything. It's unrealistic too. But when you make an effort for betterment and align your life with God's plans the world is your oyster. Doors open and opportunities fall in your lap. You can't step into them when you're standing still.

Although I don't have a woman in my scope it's no time to dawdle, just because mystery woman was a fantasy, the next woman may not be. Time to burn the midnight oil.

Exactly. The down time is useful. While you're getting yourself together and growing in God you'll be more prepared when you meet. Consider the things you said yesterday. A lot of that stuff may be taken care of or in process. That's a different picture.

And its good for the psyche. Slaying dragons boosts your confidence. You'll have more down the road but they won't derail you because you've overcome them before and you'll do it again.

I think it's time I put some things from my past to rest aswell. I blame my mom for how she raised me sometimes. Sure she was not the perfect mom, but I have have probably not been the perfect son either. I'm sure my mom despite her mistakes had my best interest at heart. Like I have said in the past there are some good things to be said. I had a huge falling-out with my mom not too long ago.

That's why I gave you Proust and his words hit home this way too. And the quote is in my faves! I know what he's referencing. But we all need reminders every now and then. That's why I spent most of the day writing. I had some things to address and I'm glad to hear you're doing the same.

This will sound cliche but its true. It happened. You can't go back. The more you do the more you stir the pot. Forgiveness and release will allow you to have the relationship you want. And she'll be impacted too. If you want children strive for harmony. Not only for them but for yourself and her as well.

She's playing out things that happened to her and you're doing the same. But you can choose to stop and be the olive branch. That minimizes schisms. Whenever there's a rupture the Lord has me go to other person. I'm always the olive. Because I'm more malleable. I do it for Him not them. But that changes through obedience. We smooth things out.

I think it's time to say that was in the past. She raised me, she did what she could. I'm not a kid anymore. Now it's up to me to fix what I think is broken inside of me and move on.

I agree and I'm glad you're willing to. Family has its challenges and none are perfect. But I love them to death. They're my ride and dies. I've been in the world long enough to learn people are flaky. And they don't have your back as much as they suggest. My mother made mistakes as well. But she's crazy about my daughter. You have put everything in context.

There's things I wish I'd done differently too. But my daughter and I are best friends. She's my biggest cheerleader. Anything I want to accomplish she's on board and in my corner. I couldn't ask for a better friend or daughter.

You're on your way to brighter days. You've overcome a lot and there's more to come. The old will fall away and the new will patch the holes and smooth the wrinkles.

I think it's important to have something to talk about. I'm not good with conversations that becomes deja vu.

You can learn. I have some tips. It's a skill like everything else. You get better with practice.

Thank you for the elaborate description.

I gave you that for several reasons. I don't want you to think I'm superwoman. I have flaws as well like the rest. But my beginning was instrumental in the things I did later. I went deeper on my femininity and nurtured my womanliness. It made me more attractive to the opposite sex. I discovered I was looking for a man like my grandfather. He was quite the gentleman and family man and I admired him greatly.

The things I hear men say about women today would never leave his lips. He honored them all. He was the real deal. I'm aware some things are bad. But there's a level I refuse to sink to regarding the opposite sex. Nor are men guilty of the errors some have made. You can't demean them all because someone screwed up. Or act like they're public enemy number one. That bothers me because they're not nor are we.

I will be mindful of limited thinking, that is a stumbling block in itself. It is something I am prone to.

But you're learning alternatives now and it will stop. You have to replace that tape with the word and reinforce the truth. You can use affirmations for that. I wrote up a bunch years ago and prayed them every day until they came to pass. It wasn't self-help it was scripture.

I think it's debasing too. When I think of my posts about msytery woman, it irks I succumbed to that state of mind I was in, just because of her presence.

When I had someone doing the same it irritated me. The spirit was wrong and I could feel the lust and compelling. You can't allow anyone to drive you to the point where you're not yourself or lose your head. On the receiving end it feels crazy. You're wondering what's wrong with them.

Thank you for writing all this. It makes tremendous difference in my life. God bless you for that.

Thank you for trying and the effort you've put in thus far. It makes it worthwhile. Let's hold off on the submission one for a bit. I want you to finish the book. You'll see the correlation in what you need and what's best. They're related.

The way you describe yourself. It would be amazing if I could find a woman with qualities and an upbringing like that. The best place for me is to try out different churches in Denmark, that is absolutely the best option.

I saved this bit for last. I couldn't tell you that. It would sound egotistical. You had to discover it on your own. The portion on the steady man spells it out. You need a co-pilot. I use that term intentionally. You respond to me for a reason. You need a wife who motives and encourages you. That inspires you and helps you grow.

Remember what I said about the other. Physical attractiveness usually drives women in a different direction internally. She has the outer part in hand. But often lacks inner strength. Most of the women I work with now are very pretty. They have similar struggles. They didn't firm up their innards.

Beauty was a hallmark of my upbringing. But they countered it with other things. I was encouraged to be a leader, wise, and excellent. They expected me to work to my potential. Looks were not enough. I needed more than that. Because the package is more appealing and keeps you out of trouble.

The best way to find someone with those qualities is to look for the complement. The more surrendered she is the more she'll crave a guide. The more domestic she is the more she'll want someone who values it. The more genteel she is the more she'll want someone who reinforces it.

Look for relatability. Where would someone like that spend their time? What kind of interests do they have? What descriptors would you use for her? Traditional wife, old-fashioned woman, biblical wife, and 1950s woman are a start. Look at the content and the things they share. There's a lot of common denominators.

I'll recommend some books too. They'll help you recognize her and aid your search. A lot of men want women like that. They say they can't find her. Rest assured they exist. I mentor them. I think that's the right fit for you in the long run.

 

[Vinter]

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[bèlla]

I am so happy I joined this forum and met you on here. I had no idea I could get such woman before you started telling me about submissive Christian women. I would more than likely have landed in a relationship with an atheist woman and maybe not even gotten married with her. I shudder at that thought.

I'm glad we crossed paths and were able to bless one another. But truthfully, I shouldn't be here. The wages of sin is death. If I'd lived differently I wouldn't be in this place. I'd be where He desired sooner than later.

I've always felt—in respect to venues like these on the Internet—that when you find what you've sought you should leave. You've stepped into the new and should devote your time and energy to its betterment. Not maintaining the old. That's why many relationships blew up when it took off. The same happened with social media. You have a distraction that helps you escape your reality.

Because there's something wrong when you're sitting beside a human and you're typing to one you can't see. We do it all the time. But when you see it for what it is you realize its ridiculous. People neglect themselves, their loved ones, home, work, and other relationships for this box. And it isn't worth it.

A lot of people are addicted and unable to leave. Those are the ones with 10, 20, 30 years or more in a setting. Do you know how long that is and what you could have accomplished in that time? You can't get those hours back. I saw it when I used to chat. They become fixtures and its sad. And I don't want to be that person.

That's a quality I look for in a prospective suitor. What's their investment? I won't be ignored or have an electronic third wheel. The greater your investments elsewhere the smaller this becomes. It's a tool not a relationship. Keep that in mind when you're looking.

I have noticed that when I read articles about some danish women and their views about themselves and men. They are arrogant and demeaning and they do come off as having masculine traits in their persona and it is off putting.

Whatever you feed will grow. If you keep empowering someone they'll feel unstoppable. You tell them they're oppressed and they'll believe it. You tell them the other is their enemy and he becomes that after awhile. They don't realize how crazy they sound. And if he's everything you believe why are you with him? Leave him alone. But the majority don't. Which demonstrates their stupidity.

You have to be a special kind of dumb to malign what lies beside you. No matter how you slice it he's a man. And the words cut. Even if you say you're not talking about him but only certain ones the damage is done. I call out women because I'm one of them. I know how they are. But I've never been a man. My experiences are external. I've never been in his head or shoes. I choose my words carefully and let his own take him to task.

Speaking of godly fashion. I saw mystery woman today. She was wearing a crop top with a pretty amount of cleavage and her abdomen and some of her back exposed too, with a long skirt, tight fit, that went down to something like 10 inches above her ankles. The weather is realy nice today. I didn't find it inappropiate.

If that's your idea of modesty we need to have a talk. Would you be comfortable with your wife wearing the same? Consider your thoughts in light of that question and imagine theirs in light of her. Do you want them thinking that way?

You have to consider the why behind behavior. If you walk out the door revealing a lot of cleavage its going to grab someone's attention and you know it. And if you're honest that's what you want. Modesty aside, the bigger question I'm asking is simple. You've got a man why are you advertising? Some men dress their women that way for similar reasons. He's advertising too. Look what I've got. He wants others to ogle her and envy him.

Your presentation determines your reception. If you look like a piece of meat you'll get the appropriate response. There's an understated power in restraint. It's better to wonder than to know where that's concerned. The unwrapping is sweeter. That's part of your feminine mystique. You let him wonder not lay it all out. He has nothing to look forward to when you do. And he won't respect 'you' he'll respect what you 'do' for him.

If I may ask for how long a time to you turn from God before your returned?

I spent most of that time looking for Him in different places and practices. I wasn't an atheist. I was reaching the point of becoming agnostic because I couldn't find Him. The disconnection between the book and what I saw was grave. Homosexuality was the breaking point. The church was beginning to compromise. And I couldn't be part of it. I believed in authenticity and still do. I'm not a fence dweller or line walker. If I believe its true I'm all in. I don't want to play at it. I want the full experience.

That's why He sent me to a synagogue. I needed to hear the truth and see it up close without hammering or pressure. I'll never believe because you say its so. I'm not wired like that. The Lord had to show me and He did. The symbolism helped. It's all around you. I watched the bible come to life and that was the beginning. I've never looked back or wavered in my belief since that point.

I get that. Sometimes it's best to deal with it self and not become a burden or worry the other unnecessarily.

There's life and death in the power of the tongue. There's a correlation between those who spend a lot of time dwelling on lack and grievances and its presence in their lives. That's why we're told to cast the cares not marinate on them. Because whatever you water will grow and words are seeds. When you grasp the latter you understand the psalmist's words. Set a guard over my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips. That's why affirmations work.

I did not know friends would be less forgiving.

Your friends are loyal to you not her. They're already biased. You have to be mindful of that when seeking counsel. Women empathize and want to soothe the hurt. And may avoid certain truths that should be said in light of her pain. Or permit their bias to become enabling and fail to challenge the other when they should. They'll take her side.

You have to be willing to call things as they are. The right and wrong in the situation. And wrongs don't give you the right to respond in kind. That's where maturity comes in. When you're hurting you need to take five and collect yourself. Otherwise you'll exacerbate the problem and have more to atone for.

That's why I emphasize self-control and require it in my relationships. Friend or otherwise. When we allow our emotions to get the best of us we'll say and do things we shouldn't. I'm the wrong one to do that with. Whatever you say you'll walk it out and I'll warn you beforehand. But some people can't reel themselves in. They've gone too far and continue forward.

I'm not daunted by ultimatums or threats. I'll call your bluff and have done so many times to others' chagrin. They're acting a fool and assume they'll apologize and we'll make up until the next faux pas. But I'm not like that. People tuck it in when they've got something to lose. They're not telling off the boss or the cops. They don't want the consequences. But they'll do it to you.

There have to be rules of engagement. Things you don't say and do to one another. A lot of people sanction arguments because they're operating out of their wounds and think its normal. When you're considering someone observe their facets. How do they handle stress, pain, disappointment, anger, and so on? They'll do the same with you. They're not having a bad day. That's how they deal with their problems. And when you're the problem you'll get the same.

The psychological term is emotional intelligence and its worth exploring. That's the primary reason people struggle with connections. Violations in those areas. Do a little digging on the subject and I'll include a graph for your reference.

It shows. As you know, I have written things I would not have written otherwise. You have something very compelling about you.

Thank you for the compliment. I'm not telling you my secret! But I'm planning to address it in a future project.

I want to meet a woman like that. Where I know life will never be the same again and we will be better for the both of us.

He's good for me and makes me feel safe. That probably sounds odd given my personality. But all extremes have parallels. Most people see my strength but they don't understand the correlation. If you consider Paul you'll get it. He was zealous in his wrong and more so in His belief. In like fashion, I'm very strong but my surrender is greater. And I enjoy it.

That won't be a problem for me. Even though they like to proclaim in the media that humans are not monogamous, I will say I am. When I get attracted to a woman it's only her I think about. I can only imagine that attractiveness, when it's mutual that it will strengthen the bond. It's like that White Snake song. The Deeper The Love. That is my favorite type of music btw. Rock music and hair bands.

The media celebrates hedonism but its an empty way to live. God's designs can't be unmade nor the consequences for its abandonment. I'm not seeking male attention. I want a specific person's notice but not the rest. That's part of the reason why dating sites are problematic. A lot of the users are thirsty. They're using it as an avenue to acquire the attention, flirtations, popularity and compliments they didn't receive elsewhere. And they're drunk on the reception. You see the same on social media as well.

We weren't meant to unveil ourselves like that. The covering is symbolic and protective too. When we understand the sacredness of the end we're pursuing we'll go about it differently. That's why I didn't have extended conversations. Because attachments are formed and hurts follow. And you may have a soul tie to break.

But when you're looking for a spouse you don't keep people tied to you you have no intention of marrying. You let them go and wish them well so they can find what they're looking for and so can you.

As for music, I used to love rock and metal. But I don't listen to it anymore. My spirit has changed and it no longer resonates. There's a lot of pain in those songs. I know because I read the lyrics and used to post them long ago. As I deepened my relationship with God they no longer spoke to me. The references were no more and the recollections were gone. The past was dead.

If put on Type O, I recognize his talent. But there's nothing internal taking place. It doesn't speak to me anymore. The things I listen to now are upbeat and happy. They're singing about love and joy. Not disappointments and hurts. I used to love Amy Winehouse but I don't play her anymore for the same reasons.

When I was freshman I went to a catholic high school. The seating was alphabetic. Everyone around me was a metal head and loved hard rock. I'd see band names on their notebooks and folders. They had the look and makeup in spite of the uniforms. We had a jukebox in the cafeteria and I heard it everyday. That's how I got into it. But I wasn't a huge fan.

That changed when I came online. I created a music thread as an avenue for expression. It was meant to be an emotional outlet and a positive way of combating pain. It began with my friend and I (that was here) and allowed us to express our feelings. The love was grand. I didn't know I had it in me. She brought it out and I did same for her. The others joined in and that's when the metal and rock showed up.

Now I'm listening to Slipknot, Metallica, Carnifex, Rammstein, Queensryche, Cradle of Filth and more. I was influenced by the people I dated too. Their music invaded mine as well. Feeding that allowed us to push the envelope. When you put a lot of unbelievers together you'll discover new avenues of unrighteousness. Because you're influencing one another. That's why I know so much. When you have the volume of connections I had in that period you hear a lot.

I should have had myself in a bible study learning about the Lord and preparing for marriage. I was elsewhere but He was looking after me then. I'm beginning to suspect He was blowing up my relationships too. And shaking His head when He did.

I still have to get my house in order. I still have some cleaning up to do. Even though I want to meet a woman, I also know I can become more ready than I am now.

I'm a work in process as is everyone. We're doing some housekeeping currently. There's things that need to be worked in and out of me as well. I don't get away with anything.

Thanks. I will be open to both. It would be fun if she spots me first.
Thanks for all the insight. You're truly a blessing.

Joy is contagious. It radiates and draws others in. When you're happy and joy-filled its evident. Your conversation, mood and behavior emits the same. It brightens the atmosphere and people love to be around you.

So get happy! Fix your mind on the things He says and you'll have joy and peace in response. Stay prayed up and become more assertive in your prayers. Attack the lack and shortcomings in the spirit realm. Like I posted here. That's what I'm doing now. You should follow suit.

And you're welcome dear.

 

[Vinter]

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[Vinter]

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[bèlla]

BTW.
I feel the same way, I think. Even though I was not living a Christian life and yet still called myself a Christian and doing all these inane and sinful things. I did not do myself any favors.

I didn't call myself a Christian back then. When I'm gone I'm gone. There's no backsliding or wavering. I left and that was it. The Lord brought me back to Him but my requirement for authenticity hasn't changed. That's why its taken awhile to find a church during this season. I have no interest in empty words, relationships or going through the motions.

I'm considering the Mennonites. I have to dig into their teachings a little deeper. I'm familiar with the Amish and there's a lot I like about them too. If I'm going to invest in a group it will be a real community. We'll support one another or I won't join. That's my biggest sticking point outside of the word.

 

[bèlla]

Because either the woman want to dress like that because she likes the attention and she disrespect her guy or if he is the one that like it he is disrespecting his girlfriend by treating her like eye candy or a trophy.

You can be a trophy without dressing inappropriately and arm candy too. The woman sets the tone. A man can only do what you permit. If you're willing to compromise your respectability for spoils or an inability to say no or realize what you're doing that's unfortunate. But you have no excuse. If you didn't get it at home you can learn later. There's tons of etiquette books and teachings on the subject. Sometimes ignorance is a choice.

An understated power in restraint. I like that, that's the marrying kind. I know that. I should start thinking more about women with modest attire rather than being one of those ogle guys myself.

Modest doesn't equal frumpy. You can wear tasteful clothing that's stylish and isn't visually stimulating. You have to understand the way the item hangs on your body. Some things are cut closer than others. And there's always a focal point. You have to be intentional in your selections to draw the eyes away from those places.

I know what you mean. I myself have spent a great deal of time online. In my case this forum is an upgrade to what I did before. I am using this forum to prepare me for getting out there again. But I realy should join an actual church or trying out different churches, than just staying put.

I think that's a good idea. You don't have join immediately. But I think you'd benefit from the engagement and fellowship. And you'd get to practice your conversational skills too. Win/win.

I'm sorry to hear that. I never was on social media and was always a bit of a loner, so I can't say I lost any friends because of it.

I didn't lose anyone over it. But I saw a lot of marriages blow up and relationships too. They came online and found someone else. It happened to heterosexual and gay couples too. And sometimes people changed sides.

It does not give me the same stimulus as it use to and I won't have the time for it either. Reading the bible and the thought of meeting a woman to share my life with fills me with a much greater excitement.

You can feel a chapter closing in your life and its nearing that point. It's time for something new.

It's a secret. I thought it was part of your personality. I never considered to be something that could be tought. But it would be a helpful skill if I could learn it.

That was so cute! Truthfully its a bit of both. I add my own spin or tweak it for the person or situation. Everything goes back to self-awareness. Not the idealized self but the real person. The clearer you are on that the more you're able to make changes. If you won't see the problem you have no reason to pray to solve it. You think you're fine. But when you know something's amiss you can be more proactive and address it.

You have to take into consideration I have never had that in my life. A woman that looks to me for guidance, or companionship or love. So many people take this for granted. Extrovert people most of all. They have it so easy meeting people.

That's why I say the things I do and put them in writing. This is an intensive. There's things you'll get immediately and others that will be evident down the road when you recall them. My responses are layered. I'll make a suggestion and tell you why its important. Then we talk about the how and application. You'll have a solid foundation to build on.

The family unity fell apart with TV and TV dinners. It was part of the problem. People were in the same room but not interacting with each other, not like the old family dinner table. Then came the computer and now each family member is sitting in each their room. What I want when I marry and start a family God willing, is the unity.

That's true. You can lead separate lives under the same household and rarely interact. But it isn't healthy. My daughter and I do a lot together and bond everyday. We're really close. I'm demonstrating the necessity of anchoring the household and a welcoming environment that encourages conversation and gathering.

I spent a lot of time learning old fashioned skills. Things you won't see in modern books. I envisioned myself a certain way and worked to become it. I didn't want the guy at club. I wanted something else.

I still like rock and metal. Although I don't listen to metal as much. I had alot of anger in me when I was young. I could relate to the anger in those songs. At some point the music fed my anger and alot of metal is very wordly if not downright anti christian. It becomes conflicting and demoralizing to listen to.

Some of the music is seriously dark. I wasn't into black or death metal. But I've listened to a few songs. I remember a CD a guy shared online. He was raving about the group and said it was his favorite and sent me the link. It had the wrong vibe and felt demonic. I wasn't in church but I knew it was off. Each song seemed to get darker or progressively worse. It left me with a horrible feeling and a need to pray. But he turned me onto Sara Groves too and she's good. And he was a believer!

I can imagine hanging out with unbelievers can influence one. I thought you knew so much from books, from being well read. But you listening to metal, that's a bit harder to imagine. Espcially some of those bands you mention. I never would have guessed.

I am well read. But there were nearly 50 people in that group. That's why I spent so much time talking from sunrise to midnight. I spoke to some everyday by phone, online or both. They shared their experiences with the opposite sex. I have stories you wouldn't believe.

I probably wouldn't have gone that route without the thread. That put it in my face. I wasn't drawn to it otherwise. The groups I liked were intense. But they didn't inspire the right thoughts.

You don't strike me as the kind that would want to get away with something or sweep things under the rug anyway.

He gets in my business! Even if I wanted to He'd prod me. Or wake me up for 3am meetings. But its done with love and my best interests in mind and I know that. He's not trying to hurt us. He's trying to prevent our pain and mistakes.

Overall, I'm not into the bad girl thing. I don't want to be punished. That was true when I was in the world too. There's lines I wouldn't cross. I called them sticky mistakes. The sort I'd have confess to my family or can't admit on a stage. But my mother knew the truth. I always told her what I was up to. Sometimes she was shocked. But she handled it well.

 

[He is Worthy]

I think that quitters finish last because they definitely didn't win.