Hello!
My name is Ethan, and I’ve had a question stuck in my head and occasionally has caused me to not get to sleep when I should. Basic summation of movie I saw. Two guys save a princess and the first guy and her develop a High school crush with each other but the second guy has zero to little interest in her whatsoever. He’s rougher around the edges, challenging, a bit harsh and occasionally a jerk and at the end of the movie on into the second she falls for the second guy. My question is: I’m always the first one, good guy, try to be a gentleman, but end up losing out to the second.
Do I have to change and be like the second? More challenging, slightly a jerk, harsher then a good guy in order to find and keep someone and do we good guys finish last?
Hi Ethan,
Welcome to this corner of CF. Hopefully, you've found wisdom in the various responses to your question. Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.
Changing so much just to find or keep a woman is what I would consider finishing last. Think about it. By changing that way, you would essentially be letting another person control your life. Somebody you barely know, in fact. Does that sound like a smart move?
I wouldn't recommend doing much beyond keeping yourself presentable and pursuing your own hobbies and interests. Maybe you'll meet someone you click with, or maybe you won't. No woman is worth worrying about whether you're rough enough around the edges or whatever. If you find yourself doing that, consider it a red flag. A big warning sign that you're probably not compatible.
Will that mean you'll need to wait longer? Maybe. You'll be limiting the size of your dating pool, but increasing the odds that you'll have a good relationship when or if you find someone. Nothing is guaranteed, of course.
There are only 24 hours in a day. Your values and interests should take priority. Focus on those instead. By doing so, you will be giving your dreams and goals a chance. And by extension, the right kind of woman who might truly fit into your life.
That may even be the appeal of the first guy you mentioned. Not because he's a bad person, but because he has his own interests and agenda. She may see her actual values, for better or worse, reflected in his. That's a stronger connection than merely "saving the princess".
A knight who saves a princess isn't owed anything. Being heroic is simply what a knight does, because he is a knight. Not for women, but because that's the code he lives by. Historically, knights were often sworn to celibacy. They strove to rise above their worldly nature, so they could be trusted to uphold the knightly code. Feel free to "save the princess" if you'd like, but I wouldn't recommend dating her, as there may be a conflict of interest.
Do I think nice guys finish last? In a way, yes, because nice guys are more likely to get taken advantage of. There are women who specifically target nice guys for their money etc. In this way, nice guys might even be less likely to find themselves single than men who truly are rough around the edges. I wouldn't assume that you're a nice guy simply because you don't date much, or because a girl gets along better with somebody else.
Maybe you're a lone wolf by nature, or maybe because a gentleman pairs better with a lady. It might also be a matter of not adequately expressing your own agenda, or something superficial like how you dress, but I wouldn't necessarily chalk your singleness up to being overly nice.That doesn't seem to be a barrier for those guys in relationships who let women walk all over them.