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Do I have a right to be angry/upset/frustrated over this situation? What should i do?

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by sk8brdkd, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. sk8brdkd

    sk8brdkd Audio A Sk8er

    +823
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Others
    Let me give you a little background information first.

    Back when I was 13, my mom started giving me her little sex talk w/ me and when I was younger, I completely understood that it was necessary. She would give me her little sex talk every 2 yrs. I thought that by the time I hit my 20's she would just stop but, it continued.

    I put up w/ it for many many years even though it frustrated me to no end and I just wanted her to stop. The 3rd to last time she brought it up was when I was 33 and she went through Everything again....

    Before I left to go to Costa Rica on vacation just this past July, she wrote out a whole list and was going to have another talk w/ me but this time I really spoke up. I told her, That is ENOUGH. I have had it w/ all your sex talks. I am 34 yrs old and you still want to have these talks w/ me. I asked her, have i done anything to cause you to doubt or not trust me? She said no but that she doesn't want me to fall into the same traps/mistakes my sister did (yes, my sister lost her virginity at a very early age despite my parents teaching her the same things). I reminded her how old I was and told her to please just stop.

    So... here's the part that has me even more frustrated.

    Got back from Costa Rica --- my aunt and uncle came up from Florida, rented a lake house near our house. The one afternoon, I decided to go up and visit my aunt/uncle and swim in their lake. My uncle said to me, I don't want to do this, but I have to. He told me that my parents came to him the prior day and asked him if he could have a relationship/sex talk w/ me since I won't listen to them anymore and they find it extremely important that someone talks to me about this still.

    My uncle told me, that he told them that he would but, when he was speaking to me, he said, you are old enough. Your parents should've stopped talking to you about this 15 years ago. That it's not up to my parents or him (my uncle) what I do w/ my life. That, I can do whatever I want to do w/ whomever I want to do it w/ and I don't need to live by their standards. He said, if you choose to wait til you get married to have sex, great --- if you choose not to wait for marriage to have sex, that's fine too. He said its up to me.

    I told him how my mom had told me if i ever did have sex before marriage to tell her. My uncle gave me a look and was like really? he couldn't believe it. He said my mom/dad have no right to ask about my personal life like that and yes, IF i choose to tell them, fine, if not, then it's my choice. My mom had asked me not too long ago if i still believe in waiting for marriage for sex and I said yes but then I said i didn't know just bc of them.

    My parents have done an Excellent job of chasing me away from them over the last 20 years where I've gotten to the point of not trusting them, not wanting to share Anything w/ them and not wanting to be around them at all bc they both have big mouths where they share everything w/ everyone and its extremely frustrating for me.

    But, for this sex thing... What should i do? My uncle told me to tell my parents that we had a good talk about all that and that I completely understood what he was talking about (my uncle said nothing to me about what my parents wanted him to bc he didn't think it was right at my age to be doing that).

    Just inwardly, I'm boiling, not just from this but from lots of other things as well.
     
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  2. Poppyseed78

    Poppyseed78 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,330
    Christian
    Married
    That sounds very frustrating. My mom can be...intrusive...at times as well. But she's in her 60s, and she's not going to change. So I'm working on being patient. My sister moved far away and avoids it altogether by calling my parents very rarely. It works for her, but I don't think it's the approach I want to take.

    If she keeps pushing a topic I don't want to get into, I change the subject. You could also say "I'm not having this conversation" and repeat it as much as needed until the message is received. You're a grown adult, and it's honestly not their business anymore.
     
  3. rob_aston

    rob_aston Active Member

    335
    +115
    Charismatic
    Single
    I read every word dear friend, and I started feeling God telling to absorb it all, because I want to support this person as long as they want. I will pray, understand and relay God's words to you.

    My parents have betrayed me by removing any inheritance as far away from as possible. Your pain is inside me. Everything tells me you arte brave, intelligent and entirely capable of choosing what you do. Now for sex, that is totally yours, just as those areas are yours. Your parents will always be your parents and you can love them without seeing them.
     
  4. Ken Behrens

    Ken Behrens Well-Known Member

    +414
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I agree with your uncle that you are old enough to make your own choices. I do not agree that you should have sex whenever you want. I think you should follow God's plan. But I won't tell you what that is, since that would be having a "sex talk" for which you are way too old.

    I hope you have not accidentally acquired your mother's way of relating to any children you may one day have.

    What should you do? Make your own decisions. In everything. One of the greatest blessings of my life is that my parents died when I was about your age. They did not like my choices either.
     
  5. HittitesA-muk

    HittitesA-muk Member

    57
    +7
    Methodist
    Celibate
    hi No . You cannot blame God; who would .
     
  6. NicoleWilliams

    NicoleWilliams Member

    76
    +32
    Christian
    Married
    That’s definitely a frustrating situation, friend, and I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through so much with your parents. I think it would be a good idea if you can sit down with your parents and talk to them about how you’re feeling because of their behavior. Try to express your hurt, set expectations and appropriate boundaries, but do it all with love – may be this can help them understand that you’re an adult now. I just said a prayer for you. I hope things will be fine between you and your parents soon. Good luck!
     
  7. DiscipleHeLovesToo

    DiscipleHeLovesToo Regular Member Supporter

    +524
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    the reason she can't get off this subject is because she is in fear about it - so when she brings up the sex talk, rather than let her lead the conversation in that direction, start talking to her about trusting God to lead you in this area and encourage her to resist this fear rather than act on it by giving voice to it - remind her of how Job got into trouble (see below). the problem is that she is in fear about this and is also blind to that fact. when she has gone to be with the Lord and you are over the irritation, this will be a precious memory of her love for you and your help to her to overcome this fear

    Job 1:5 KJV
    (5) And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually.
     
  8. jericha

    jericha Member

    57
    +34
    Christian
    Married
    I agree with these. If you can, talk to them, and also try to give them grace. They are only human, and sounds like they are doing this from their love/concern for you. Praying for peace and patience.
     
  9. turkle

    turkle Blessed

    846
    +563
    Christian
    Married
    I understand how frustrating that can be. Why do you think your mother finds it necessary to have this conversation? Do you think she feels a need for concern, whether you think there is or not? What else has she told you that reveals her concerns for you?

    I suspect that from her point of view that while she is fully aware of your age, she might be worried about maturity. You have said in the past that you dress like a boy, and you spend a lot of time "hanging out" with friends like teenagers do. At an age where most adults have forged a career and independent living, you still live with your parents. Do you think that might be a source of her concern?

    I find that the best way to resolve a conflict is to set aside my own personal feelings and irritation and try to objectively see things from the other person's perspective. If I can do that, I can be compassionate and understanding, and have conversations that are mutually edifying. Giving the benefit of the doubt is a loving thing to do. Your mother loves you, and I'm sure she has many reasons for her drive to talk with you about sex. If you lovingly assuage her fears, you might be able to build a more adult relationship. Food for thought.
     
  10. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

    +16,615
    United States
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    That is BEYOND inappropriate.

    I would suggest you use a Matt 18 process with her:

    15 “If your [mother] sins, go and show [her her] fault in private; if [she] listens to you, you have won your [mother.]
    16 But if [she] does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.
    17 If [she] refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if [she] refuses to listen even to the church, let [her] be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

    I changed the gender to reflect your situation. Tell her to stop. If she refuses, get some one else (or several others) to also tell her it is inappropriate. If she still continues, let the whole church know what she is doing.
     
  11. derGroßmütige

    derGroßmütige Schmalkaldic Heretic

    76
    +37
    Protestant
    Engaged
    I agree with Disciple here. She is in definite fear. Have you thought about her feelings? Why must concern for hurt feelings only flow downward from the parent to the child?

    And if your parents have "no right" to ask about your personal life, then NO ONE on Earth does.
    In that case, how would society ever help anyone who doesn't actively seek out help?

    Usually when offspring gets irritated with a parent that has a good concern for them, the son/daughter is NOT actually angry with the parent but at themselves. You may use their tone, method of asking, and other things as an excuse to get angry with them, rather than at yourself.

    You have said yourself you are 34 years old and unmarried. Are her worries unreasonable? No. The way she asks may irritate you and you need to set rules on that and alleviate her concerns. It sounds to me like she only asks you but once or twice a year at most. Is that unreasonable? Should she NEVER ask you anything personal? Ever?

    That would sound to me more like you don't want to face the reality of aging and a finite life and that things aren't going as planned. If that's true, it sounds like your mother wants to help you get on a path to a happier life and that she simply is not charismatic enough to have a good way with words to bring it up in a pleasant way.

    She is an ally, not an enemy. She seems to care about you and help you in life and in return you get irritated at her if she asks anything personal at all?

    When should she worry? When you're 40? 50? Does she really want grandchildren? There may be all sorts of fears as you only have at best around a decade of fertility left before menopause starts kicking in. You're old enough to be a grandmother soon (mine was in her 40's). And compared to some cultures where the mothers harp on their kids literally every week to get married once they reach late twenties or risk being a spinster, you've got it quite easy with once a year.

    She is fearfully assuming that you are either engaging in premarital sex and/or may not have an interest in marriage. Is she wrong to have this fear? Do you believe such a lifestyle is in keeping with God's plan for you?
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
  12. Dave-W

    Dave-W Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner! Supporter

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    Those are 2 opposite positions; and I do not see where the 2nd point (no interest in marriage) ever was brought up.

    IMO you are making a lot of assumptions not addressed in the OP about marriage, grandchildren, etc.
     
  13. Elliewaves

    Elliewaves Untouchable internet saint

    +1,889
    Non-Denom
    Engaged
    Yes you have a right to be upset. It's creepy for her to be that interested in your sex life as an adult. I would move out asap.
     
  14. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +3,188
    Christian
    Married
    Talk about helicopter parents. lol. That would be BEYOND awkward at 33. Maybe distance yourself from them for awhile until they learn you don't want to talk about it. Your an adult and you know full well about sex obviously.
     
  15. seashale76

    seashale76 Unapologetic Iconodule

    +4,093
    United States
    Melkite Catholic
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    You are 100% correct that you have the right to be upset. Any rational individual would be. You're an adult. It's obvious that your mother is the one with the issues here (trust, fear, et cetera). She's treating you like you're special in the head, but it sounds like she is the special one. You were right to shut her down on this. I would recommend counseling for all involved. If your parents refuse to go (because let's face it- your father must be enabling her behavior and isn't an innocent party), then still go on your own. At this point, if you ever do decide to have sex, I wouldn't be surprised if you wind up having some kind of sin/guilt complex about it, even if you're married before doing the deed the first time. What she is doing to you isn't normal or healthy. Any advice to the contrary is dubious at best.
     
  16. aus22

    aus22 Newbie

    45
    +4
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    Married
    You are right to be angry with your parents. We all get angry sometimes. But remember you may had did something to end this relationship. My parents never gave me the sex talk. But My brother gave me a book which I never read. My ignorance of sex was partly my fault.
     
  17. TravelerFarAwayFromHome

    TravelerFarAwayFromHome Broken but loved

    +319
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    my name is His Disciple David, and I think you are whining and full of self pity.

    therefore I have decided to stop wasting mine time to respond to your post, because I am such a superman, I have no tolerance for others showing weakness, and I have no compassion for even for those who are at rock bottom.

    not only that, your situation remind of mine ex wife that dumps me, therefore in mine mind, that makes you a whore that needed to be corrected!

    I am really this pathetic!

    no seriously, may God bless you and help you in every way He can.

    stay in His path and keep obeying Him, He will bless you and you will receive a good harvest :)
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2016
  18. wayfaring man

    wayfaring man Veteran

    +1,134
    Non-Denom
    It used to anger me when my Mom treated me as (what I considered) a child, once I was old enough to be a man. It took quite some time, but by the grace of God, I had a realization, I was given a glimpse of what it was to be in her shoes...and what I saw was someone who had dedicated many years of her life to caring for me, on basically on every level humanly possible. And much of that time was when I was rather small and very dependent upon her care. At that point I realized it was unfair and unreasonable for me to expect that she could, or should turn that strong mothering instinct off, simply because I no longer depended on her nearly as much as when I was younger. This understanding gave me the ability to easily tolerate her yet 'treating me as a child', for I recognized that after all those years of caring for me, and the cherished memories she held of those times, that in her eyes, I would always be, (to some extant) her baby boy.

    And isn't this the key to understanding anyone, and employing the tenants of the Golden Rule, that we put ourself in their place, and look at things from their position / perspective ?

    And if we find this difficult to do, we can always humble ourselves, to approach The Throne of God's grace, and receive the help that we need.

    May The Lord Yeshua be magnified.
     
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