When his partner of 13 years ended his life after a long struggle with depression, John Lestitian deeply wanted to honor his last requests.
Instead, because the Maryland couple had been unable to fulfill their dream of marrying, Lestitian found himself in a legal and personal nightmare.
Jim Bradley had wanted his ashes scattered off the coast of Ireland. His parents wanted them buried. As a legal spouse, Lestitian would have had the authority to follow Bradley’s wishes. Lacking legal rights, Lestitian depended on the kindness of his late partner’s parents, who eventually agreed to let him scatter part of the ashes.
For tax reasons, the men had put their home in Bradley’s name. Bradley left it to Lestitian in his will — an unnecessary step if they’d been married. But the will was ruled invalid because it had only one witness, not the two required by Maryland law. So, Lestitian lost his home in addition to the man he loved.
“When we pledged our lives together,” Lestitian says, “it was a pledge that we would help each other through whatever life threw at us. We weren’t individuals who would say, ‘Oh, you have a problem, so see you later.’”
The couple’s tragedy, compounded by their inability to marry, prompted the surviving partner to join nine Maryland couples in suing their state for the right to wed. Handled by the American Civil Liberties Union, the lawsuit is the first major challenge filed since Massachusetts two months ago became the first state to open marriage to same-sex couples.
Just two days after the Maryland case was filed, the U.S. Senate began debating whether to write discrimination into the U.S. Constitution by amending it to include a nationwide ban on gay marriage. As it became clear the anti-gay amendment was going down in flames, a vehement advocate, Republican Sen. Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, demanded to know, “What harm would this amendment ... do?” Implicit in that question was an unspoken one: What harm do laws barring gay couples from marrying do?
A growing number of Americans realize those barriers do plenty of harm to loving couples trying to cope with life’s unpredictable ups and downs. Want evidence of the nation’s evolving understanding that it’s not being fair to those of us who’re gay? By 50-48, a majority of the Senate, including six Republicans, voted to shelve that awful amendment and let each state keep the freedom to grapple with gay couples’ rights.
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More typical are the kinds of trouble that Jodi Kelber-Kaye, her partner of 11 years and their two sons have had with hospitals because the women aren’t married. Once, when Stacey Kargman-Kaye had a heart problem, her partner was forced to leave the room because they weren’t legally related. And when their second son was born prematurely, Kargman-Kaye, who is not the birth mom, was barred from making medical decisions for the infant.
In their six years as parents, the women, who’re part of the new lawsuit, have paid an extra $24,000 in insurance premiums because they couldn’t get a family plan. And they had to pay $3,000 in legal fees for Stacey Kargman-Kaye to become her sons’ second legal parent.
“We have deep concerns about our family being respected by medical personnel,” says Kelber-Kaye. “We have a large stack of legal documents. But it’s not like you carry those around all the time.”
Every gay couple denied the right to marry is left needlessly vulnerable. One day, thanks to the gay men and lesbians who courageously share their stories, all 50 states will treat gay relationships with respect.