Divorcing my father/ending all contact with my father

[FoundInGrace]

Are you able to get a job (any job) for six months or a year purely to start saving so financially in a year you can move out and study away in a years time.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Are you able to get a job (any job) for six months or a year purely to start saving so financially in a year you can move out and study away in a years time.

I am actively looking for jobs, but I have not been able to find any jobs that will hire me. I do receive 600 dollars from Social Security...so I can save that money in order to prepare to move out of my father's house

 

[ChristianFromKazakhstan]

You assume way too much. I do not have the ability to move out right now. Please stop assuming things

Hey dear brother, sorry, I wasn't taking to you or about you. I was in discussion with another poster. I did ask you why you have to live with your dad, but you didn't answer then. Maybe you have health issues? I don't know your circumstances and am in no position to judge you. You dad is not doing the right things to you, and I prayed that this situation changed for you. It's bad.

 

[Sketcher]

Yes, moving out would be best.... Now the question is, how do I move out without (emotionally) hurting my mother?

I assume your brother who became a lawyer moved out? Same way she dealt with that.

If I insist on living in a city that is 100 miles away, my father can and will stop me. He is very controlling

Why can he stop you? What legal ability does he have to stop a 38-year-old man from moving out from under his roof?

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Hey dear brother, sorry, I wasn't taking to you or about you. I was in discussion with another poster. I did you ask you why you have to live with your dad, but you didn't answer then. Maybe you have health issues? I don't know your circumstances and am in no position to judge you. You dad is not doing the right things to you, and I prayed that this situation changed for you. It's bad.

Dear brother, I was the one who assumed too much and I was the one who jumped to conclusions. I sincerely apologize.

Thank you so much for your prayers!!

At the moment, I have to live with my dad because I don't have a job (I am actively looking for a job, but no one wants to hire me).

Also, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. That might sound like an excuse (and maybe it is an excuse), but people around me feel that I am not ready to live on my own yet.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

I assume your brother who became a lawyer moved out?
Why can he stop you? What legal ability does he have to stop a 38-year-old man from moving out from under his roof?

My brother the lawyer did not move out. He is still living at home.

10 months ago, he lost his law firm job and is now unemployed. When my brother was employed, he chose to live at home because he feels that - financially, he cannot afford to move out on his own yet.

My father does not have the legal ability to stop me from moving out of his house....

 

[Mercy Mc Hass]

I am sorry for your situation. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. My father is very controlling and wanted to make my life decisions for me. He didn't want to see me as an adult with my own mind and able to make my own decisions. And he had his own set of issues, he can be hurtful with his words and doesn't know how to express his feelings other than in anger.

So, back to your question: your father may never see you as an adult. My dad didn't until I got married (against his wishes) and moved out of the country for 2 years. But as a Christian, he SHOULD be able to give control of you over to God, he should not be trying to control or manipulate you himself. The other side of that "honor your mother and father" is that parents are not supposed to provoke their children (Ephesians 6:4).

Although the Bible may not give specific guidelines, there comes a point where you become an adult and make your own decisions. If it's not sinful, your parents should be able to respect your decisions and the fact that you are your own person and don't require their protection anymore.

But again, having been in your situation, I really feel for you. And regardless of what they're supposed to feel or do, they are probably going to behave the way they feel instead of the way they should behave. Using the Bible as a weapon like that is a bad sign, though, just saying.

So, as for what you should do, I would advise you to become more independent and move out. I like your analogy of divorce, but maybe less harsh, more like breaking up with someone. Don't talk to them for a little while, provide a good excuse, like a lot of school work. Then slowly call to let them know you're okay once in awhile, keep control of when you choose to talk and what you choose to tell them.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope it gets better.

What are some steps that I can take to make my father see that I am - in fact - an adult?

 

[ChristianFromKazakhstan]

Dear brother, I was the one who assumed too much and I was the one who jumped to conclusions. I sincerely apologize.

Thank you so much for your prayers!!

At the moment, I have to live with my dad because I don't have a job (I am actively looking for a job, but no one wants to hire me).

Also, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. That might sound like an excuse (and maybe it is an excuse), but people around me feel that I am not ready to live on my own yet.

I've had my share of bouts with depression and anxiety to the point of not being able to work. So I understand.. I'm sorry your dad is legalistic and condemning. You need support and understanding more than anything. Just acceptance and love. In depression, one strives their best to come out of it, but it requires enormous amount of effort, and being pushed down instead of getting a hand up makes it even so much harder!!! I pray your dad will find true Jesus's love in him towards you. May our Lord give you strength to overcome your battle.

 

[Mercy Mc Hass]

Yes, moving out would be best.... Now the question is, how do I move out without (emotionally) hurting my mother?

Just be sure your mother knows it's not because of her and take time and effort to connect with her specifically without including your father (at least for the first few months). Having been in your situation, I can say my mother and I came out stronger, although my dad and I are still healing. I found out she has been dealing with the same problems with my dad for a long time, but didn't say anything until I did.

 

[Sketcher]

My father does not have the legal ability to stop me from moving out of his house....

Then why can he stop you?

 

[Korean-American Christian]

I am sorry for your situation. But again, having been in your situation, I really feel for you. And regardless of what they're supposed to feel or do, they are probably going to behave the way they feel instead of the way they should behave. Using the Bible as a weapon like that is a bad sign, though, just saying.
So, as for what you should do, I would advise you to become more independent and move out. I like your analogy of divorce, but maybe less harsh, more like breaking up with someone. Don't talk to them for a little while, provide a good excuse, like a lot of school work. Then slowly call to let them know you're okay once in awhile, keep control of when you choose to talk and what you choose to tell them. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope it gets better.

Mercy Mc Hass, first of all....welcome to CF!! Thank you so much for empathizing with me....that's all I am asking for....I don't need any more lectures....such as "Grow up!" or "You are lazy!"

Yes, my father - the Christian - uses the Bible as a weapon...to stab and hurt rather than heal and love.

I like your analogy of breaking up with someone. Thank you for the excellent advice about moving out.

Mercy Mc Hass, may God be with you always!!

 

[Korean-American Christian]

I'm sorry your dad is legalistic and condemning. You need support and understanding more than anything. Just acceptance and love. In depression, one strives their best to come out of it, but it requires enormous amount of effort, and being pushed down instead of getting a hand up makes it even so much harder!!! I pray your dad will find true Jesus's love in him towards you. May our Lord give you strength to overcome your battle.

Thank you for empathizing with me. I know that I need to find acceptance and love in God and Jesus Christ....but I would also like to find a true, authentic Christian community.

So far, my attempt to find true, authentic Christian community on CF has been hit or miss.

I pray for my father every night....but it's still hard for me....

May our Lord be with you always!!

 

[Mercy Mc Hass]

Mercy Mc Hass, first of all....welcome to CF!! Thank you so much for empathizing with me....that's all I am asking for....I don't need any more lectures....such as "Grow up!" or "You are lazy!"

Yes, my father - the Christian - uses the Bible as a weapon...to stab and hurt rather than heal and love.

I like your analogy of breaking up with someone. Thank you for the excellent advice about moving out.

Mercy Mc Hass, may God be with you always!!

Thank you for your welcome!! I really appreciate it!

Yes, having come from a traditional family, I really understand your situation. It's very difficult to go against your parents' wishes, more so than many people think. We all have a natural desire to please our parents.

But, having said that, I have to say: I was right and my dad was wrong, and even he realizes it now (although he would never say it). I chose to marry a many that my dad didn't approve of. But I had done a lot more research and thought and prayed about it a lot more than he had. And I made a good decision. And although he threatened to never speak to me again, we have moved on. We didn't really talk for those 2 years I was out of the country, but now I am back and we are slowly healing. He now sees me as an adult.

Before, even if I pointed out the fact that I was an adult and ready to make my own decisions, he tried to overrule me when he thought I was making a bad decision. I could never get him to see me as an adult. But now that I'm independent, have my own life, and make my own decisions, he respects me much more and treats me more like an equal.

So, there is hope. But it's really hard when you're in the middle of it. And it will be really difficult for your mother for a little while, too. But it gets better.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Just be sure your mother knows it's not because of her and take time and effort to connect with her specifically without including your father (at least for the first few months). Having been in your situation, I can say my mother and I came out stronger, although my dad and I are still healing. I found out she has been dealing with the same problems with my dad for a long time, but didn't say anything until I did.

It may time some time to convince her, but I think my mother will be able to accept the fact that I love her and the fact that I am not moving out because of her....

 

[Mercy Mc Hass]

If it was like my situation, yes, she will. It will be hard on her for a little while, especially because she still has to live with your father, but it gets better.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Yes, having come from a traditional family, I really understand your situation. Before, even if I pointed out the fact that I was an adult and ready to make my own decisions, he tried to overrule me when he thought I was making a bad decision. I could never get him to see me as an adult. But now that I'm independent, have my own life, and make my own decisions, he respects me much more and treats me more like an equal. So, there is hope. But it's really hard when you're in the middle of it. And it will be really difficult for your mother for a little while, too. But it gets better.

Your father sounds a lot like my father. My father is constantly lecturing me....the lectures last 30 minutes to one hour, and I just sit there and listen....because if I say something in response, he will become even angrier.... When my father is not lecturing me, he is yelling at me....

Thank you for giving me hope

 

[Mercy Mc Hass]

Your father sounds a lot like my father. My father is constantly lecturing me....the lectures last 30 minutes to one hour, and I just sit there and listen....because if I say something in response, he will become even angrier.... When my father is not lecturing me, he is yelling at me....

Thank you for giving me hope

That's tough. I remember doing that. You seem like you know God, so it really helps to just give your dad to Him and do what you need to do. Remember, even if your dad is a Christian, Christians can stray away from their "first love," and forget to love God, others, and to trust God. And when any of us do that, our lives get very messed up, and we mess up other people, too.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

You seem like you know God, so it really helps to just give your dad to Him and do what you need to do. Remember, even if your dad is a Christian, Christians can stray away from their "first love," and forget to love God, others, and to trust God. And when any of us do that, our lives get very messed up, and we mess up other people, too.

My mother and I pray for my father every night.

Since my father is 70 years old, I am guessing that he has about 15 to 30 years left on this Earth.

When I pray, I will give my father to God and place him in God's hands.

 

[Sketcher]

10 months ago, he lost his law firm job and is now unemployed. When my brother was employed, he chose to live at home because he feels that - financially, he cannot afford to move out on his own yet.

Another question, if I may:

When he was employed, and if he could have afforded it, would his moving out have been opposed by your family or seen as a slight on them?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Don't take some comments personally Korean-American Christian. I've been at these forums for over a decade (well I had another account before) and sadly there are some who can pretty harshly judge. The mods usually take care of them though. If you want to report them just click the report button at the bottom of their post and the mods will look into it.

Americans are sadly very prideful about not living at home. Or maybe they just feel they are better then the person living at home (they forget you never know when something may happen and they may be stuck moving back home). I mean I won't disagree that its great to be independent. But in some cases you don't have a choice or can't move out yet. In my case my wife and I can't afford to move out yet. And now with my dad possibly having early stages of Alzheimers, we may be stuck here so we can help my mom take care of him.

I personally think more of someone who lives at home then I do someone who lives not at home. I mean fo course this depends on why of course. But true family doesn't have a problem living at home if they need to. Assuming its working out well of course. I mean in your case its not working out so I'd understand you needing to move out. My wife was really sad when she found out what "nursing homes" were. She'd never heard of the term until she came to america. She said americans are selfish. I told her sometimes its true. Having so much freedom here, some can be that way and see parents (even if the parents take care of themselves) as a burden and a waste of money. >.<