Divorced and husband wants intimacy

[JELY]

My husband and I recently signed the papers but he's still sleeping in the same room as me and my 2 kids while waiting for his previously rented out flat to be ready in 3 months before he moves out.

He was the one who initiated the divorce as we were fighting too much and he said that I don't give him the love and intimacy he desired. During the 5 year marriage he had committed outrage of modesty, watched & masturbated to inappropriate content, committed adultery with a co-worker and when he had enough of me not talking to him nicely, he initiated the divorce. He also developed feelings for that co-worker who is also in the midst of a divorce.

Recently he kept wanting to hug and kiss me and wants me to do the same and said he's doing this because he still loves and misses me (not because he wants to reconcile). I refused to hug him and he kept crying like a baby. My husband and I recently signed the papers but he's still sleeping in the same room as me and my 2 kids while waiting for his previously rented out flat to be ready in 3 months before he moves out.

What should I do? I don't want to be hurt by hugging him yet knowing he has feelings for others and he will leave in 3 months. Should I distant & protect myself or should I continue to hug him until he moves out? I told him I'll sleep outside but he said he will follow me whenever I go and kept crying but yet he initiated the divorce.

 

[1stcenturylady]

My husband and I recently signed the papers but he's still sleeping in the same room as me and my 2 kids while waiting for his previously rented out flat to be ready in 3 months before he moves out.

He was the one who initiated the divorce as we were fighting too much and he said that I don't give him the love and intimacy he desired. During the 5 year marriage he had committed outrage of modesty, watched & masturbated to inappropriate content, committed adultery with a co-worker and when he had enough of me not talking to him nicely, he initiated the divorce. He also developed feelings for that co-worker who is also in the midst of a divorce.

Recently he kept wanting to hug and kiss me and wants me to do the same and said he's doing this because he still loves and misses me. I refused to get physical with him and he kept crying like a baby. But yet he's still talking to that co-worker.

What should I do? I don't want to be hurt by hugging him yet knowing he has feelings for others and he will leave in 3 months. Should I distant & protect myself or should I continue to hug him until he moves out? I told him I'll sleep outside but he said he will follow me whenever I go and kept crying but yet he initiated the divorce.

As soon as he committed adultery, he broke the covenant he had with you. Tell him if he wants to marry you again, he has to be faithful. If he chooses the other woman, and marries her, he will live in perpetual adultery. Mark 10:11-12. You would be free as long as you've been faithful. If you are divorced from him, having sex with him would be fornication.

 

[HoneyBee]

Edit: I just realized that I posted in the Divorced Member's section and I, myself, am not divorced. Sorry!

 

[JELY]

As soon as he committed adultery, he broke the covenant he had with you. Tell him if he wants to marry you again, he has to be faithful. If he chooses the other woman, and marries her, he will live in perpetual adultery. Mark 10:11-12. You would be free as long as you've been faithful. If you are divorced from him, having sex with him would be fornication.

I don't want to have sex with him, how about just hugging him? I really don't want to since we have divorced. He's really confusing as he's the one initiating the divorce yet he still wants to hug me now. I asked if his objective is to reconcile but he didn't reply, but merely said that how does he reconcile with me if I have hardened my heart.

 

[HoneyBee]

.

 

[1stcenturylady]

how does he reconcile with me if I have hardened my heart.

That is him projecting on you what he has done. He is the one who hardened his heart in favor of another woman. Don't fall for that ploy. Tell him if he wants you, he's going to have to win your hand with a proven change of character.

 

[1stcenturylady]

@JELY I hope you read my edited version #6

 

[JELY]

@JELY I hope you read my edited version #6

Yup read it. Thank you! He's really manipulative, even throughout the marriage. I'll tell that to him if he does it again. Really thank you.

 

[JELY]

Edit: I just realized that I posted in the Divorced Member's section and I, myself, am not divorced. Sorry!

It's ok, whatever you mentioned is the truth and what I want to do but he's manipulating me with his tears.

 

[timothyu]

If you say no what is he going to do, divorce you again for lack of intimacy?

 

[JAM2b]

Huge, huge, huge red flags! I think you need to get him out of your home. It's not your fault he is in a situation where his place is not ready. He chose this by being unfaithful and divorcing you. You do not owe him anything.

His behavior is unstable, unfair, and harmful to you, not to mention confusing for your children. He is not respecting your boundaries or space.

You should not have to sleep outside because he does not want to respect your wishes. He is a person who acts on his own desires without regard to what is right or for how it will effect you and your children.

I think he sounds dangerous because of his lack of respect, boundaries, and self control. This is a situation that could escalate. If you can't get him to leave, then I think you need to get yourself and your kids out of there.

 

[dayhiker]

Jely ... I don't think you owe him anything at this point.
Tell him to be a man and own up to the mess he has created and take responsibility for his own life.

 

[bèlla]

Recently he kept wanting to hug and kiss me and wants me to do the same and said he's doing this because he still loves and misses me (not because he wants to reconcile). I refused to hug him and he kept crying like a baby. My husband and I recently signed the papers but he's still sleeping in the same room as me and my 2 kids while waiting for his previously rented out flat to be ready in 3 months before he moves out.

I am sorry to hear of your hardship and the hurt you've experienced. It is my hope that the Lord restores your heart and spirit to a better state.

In respect to your husband, the best way you can convey that you're done is to leave him alone. If you permit his attempts of physical expression he'll take further liberties. His behavior is not indicative of a contrite heart or someone who realizes the value of his partner and what he stands to lose. He's gauging his position and determining what you'll accept.

You need to set boundaries and be mindful of your dignity through all of this. Exhibit godly behavior throughout but don't permit his exploitative antics. You'll enter a round robin that may show no end in sight.

And be mindful of the time frame he's provided for his departure. Don't allow this to become drawn out. He determined he wants to be with another and must accept the consequences of that choice. Tears aren't indicative of healing, discipline, or a change of heart.

I would write these words on a slip of paper and keep them in sight: MORE

You deserve more than his deception
More than his infidelity
More than his lies
More than the empty promises
More than the accusations
More than the feelings of blame
More than the loss of respect and worth
More than he's given thus far

But not the human conception of more but God's. Sometimes when you're facing a big problem you need to pray it out of your midst. I would devote a fast day (or period) to this situation and maintain it until he's gone.

I'd pray away the hurt and everything he swore to do and never did. I'd pray away your mistakes and lessons and ask the Lord to bring you His best. Then I'd seek His healing and restoration and agree to wait until that person arrives.

God Bless.

 

[AdoptedPrince]

My husband and I recently signed the papers

Just for curiosity's sake, is your divorce final or has it only been initiated?

Either way, the answer to your question is, in my opinion, do what you want. You say you don't want to hug him. Don't. You're under no obligation to hug him.

He was the one who initiated the divorce as we were fighting too much and he said that I don't give him the love and intimacy he desired

Again, I'm just curious. Was he right that you didn't give him the intimacy he desired? If so, why didn't you? And did he start watching inappropriate content and committing adultery after you deprived him of that intimacy? I only ask because that is exactly what the Apostle Paul predicts will happen if a spouse robs his/her partner of intimacy:
"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." - 1 Corinthians 7:5

 

[JAM2b]

It is NEVER a spouses fault if their husband or wife turns to inappropriate content or cheats on them. And what is the point of bringing that up? Their marriage has ended and he is supposed to be out of their home. He is violating her boundaries, her space, and sexually harassing her. He doesn't want to reconcile the relationship. He just wants sex and a free place to sleep.

Besides that verse does not say "...so that Satan doesn't tempt you because your spouse isn't intimate enough." It says "so that Satan does not tempt you because of YOUR LACK OF SELF-CONTROL."

 

[AdoptedPrince]

It is NEVER a spouses fault if their husband or wife turns to inappropriate content or cheats on them.

No, it is a spouse's fault if he/she deprives his/her spouse of intimacy because it opens them up to Satan's temptations. That is what the verse clearly says. You may not like that it says that, but it does.

And what is the point of bringing that up?

I bring it up because it is the Word of God and it might apply in this case. I didn't say it did. I asked if it did.

Besides that verse does not say "...so that Satan doesn't tempt you because your spouse isn't intimate enough." It says "so that Satan does not tempt you because of YOUR LACK OF SELF-CONTROL."

Please. Your obvious defensiveness (guilty conscience?) is interfering with your objectivity. The verse says
"Do not deprive each other"
[A command]
"except perhaps by mutual consent"
[The allowed exception]
"and for a time"
[So a limit is even set on how long you can agree to deprive one another]
"so that you may devote yourselves to prayer"
[The reason for depriving one another of sexual intimacy]
"Then come together again"
[Why? He's about to tell us..]
"so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

The "you" and "your" is speaking about both spouses. This verse could not be more clear that depriving one's spouse of sexual intimacy when that spouse wants that intimacy opens them up to Satan's temptation. And what forms might giving in to sexual temptation take? Adultery and watching inappropriate content, obviously. Thus my question.

 

[JAM2b]

I bring it up because it is the Word of God and it might apply in this case. I didn't say it did. I asked if it did.

It was rude for you to do so. They are already divorced (his choice), and he will not leave their home (his choice) and he is sexually harassing her and displaying behaviors that are huge red flags because he is threatening unwanted physical contact with a woman he is no longer married to because he divorced her when she didn't take it kindly that he committed adultery. If he forces physical contact on her that is sexual assault. He is, or at least was, blatantly refusing to take no for an answer.

And your response to that is to question her if it was her fault that he cheated?

Please. Your obvious defensiveness (guilty conscience?) is interfering with your objectivity. The verse says

I wasn't defensive for myself, just standing up for another person. That is a huge leaping assumption for you to make that I have a guilty conscience because you didn't like that I don't agree with your interpretation of that scripture or feel that it is appropriate to ask a person who has been divorced by the man who was supposed to love her after he wronged her and then harassed and threatened her in her own home where there children also live.

The "you" and "your" is speaking about both spouses. This verse could not be more clear that depriving one's spouse of sexual intimacy when that spouse wants that intimacy opens them up to Satan's temptation. And what forms might giving in to sexual temptation take? Adultery and watching inappropriate content, obviously. Thus my question.

You and I are clearly going to disagree here. I'm willing to let that drop because I don't have the time or energy to debate Scripture interpretations, however, it was very wrong of you to bring that up given the situation and not helpful for her at all.

 

[AdoptedPrince]

they are already divorced

Actually, all she says is that they signed papers. You're jumping to conclusions.

and he will not leave their home

Actually, she says they are waiting for his flat to be ready in 3 months. Until then, it is still their home.

and he is sexually harassing her

If they are not divorced, it is not "sexual harassment" if he wants to hug or kiss her. It is bizarre, but it isn't sexual harassment. A husband can't sexual harass his wife. He can ask and she can refuse...as I told her plainly.

he is threatening unwanted physical contact

There is nothing in the opening post that even hints that he is threatening ANYTHING. The picture you are trying to paint of the man is nothing like the person she describes: "I refused to hug him and he kept crying like a baby."

If he forces physical contact on her that is sexual assault.

Yes, and if he robs a bank it is bank robbery. There is no sign of either in her post.

threatened her in her own home

You have quite the imagination. There is NOTHING in her post that says he threatened her. He wanted to hug and kiss her, she refused, and he cried. That is the whole story she told. You are writing fiction.

And your response to that is to question her if it was her fault that he cheated?

No, my response was, "the answer to your question is, in my opinion, do what you want. You say you don't want to hug him. Don't. You're under no obligation to hug him." You don't appear to have carefully read her post OR mine. I considered listing all the things in your last comment that are inaccurate (about the opening post and about my post), but I know I would be wasting my time. You have created a narrative and you plan to stick with it.

you didn't like that I don't agree with your interpretation of that scripture

I am not interpreting it. What it says is plain. You may be willing to do mental gymnastics to avoid that meaning, but I am not. It says what it says.

it was very wrong of you to bring that up given the situation and not helpful for her at all.

On the contrary, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness." 1 Corinthians 7:5 may be a scripture you dislike, but it is still a God-breathed scripture. It is also a scripture that has several parallels to her story. She wrote
- "He was the one who initiated the divorce as[...]he said that I don't give him the love and intimacy he desired." Compare that with the Bible saying "Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent."
- "he[...]watched & masturbated to inappropriate content, committed adultery with a co-worker." Compare that with the Bible saying "so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
If you can't see the possible application of 1 Corinthians 7:5, I can't help you. It is obvious.

Now, I have been more than patient with you and your false statements, exaggerations, and misrepresentations of what I (and she!) said. Feel free to skip all of my comments wherever you may find them.

 

[dayhiker]

Its always good to give love and grace to people who come here that are hurting.

Jely hasn't been here since March 8 ... so is not likely to return read the last few post.

 

[GaveMeJoy]

I don't want to have sex with him, how about just hugging him? I really don't want to since we have divorced. He's really confusing as he's the one initiating the divorce yet he still wants to hug me now. I asked if his objective is to reconcile but he didn't reply, but merely said that how does he reconcile with me if I have hardened my heart.

He seems to be out of the Lord’s will and a very unkind person to treat you in this way. I apologize on behalf of my gender.

tell him to stay away and your only relationship with him will be as coparents unless he repents of his adultery and the unbiblical divorce and comes to Christ!
You got this!