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Disrespectful Boyfriend Refusing Responsibility for Actions

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by Dr. Gluckenstein, Sep 23, 2021.

  1. Dr. Gluckenstein

    Dr. Gluckenstein New Member

    28
    +42
    United States
    Christian
    In Relationship
    US-Libertarian
    I'm dealing with and trying to overcome my anger issues, despite my boyfriend's willingness to acknowledge how he's hurt me. He's, thus far, brushed it off as my anger issues and nothing he thinks he's done wrong. There's some stuff I've exploded about after months of biting my tongue that resulted from an unrelated event that blew me up and brought up the eventual reason why I feel I am so short-tempered with him (besides past hurts and trauma). Ultimately, I feel as though I've been disrespected in many ways, and he absolutely cannot acknowledge or believe that he has disrespected me in any way. I have brought up to him the specific ways he has hurt me. He then says that I am disrespecting him in some way. I feel like he's doing everything he can to deflect any responsibility for his actions (he's notably irresponsible on many fronts) onto me. I always end up apologizing and being the one in the wrong, because the spotlight gets put on my anger and how I reacted to what he did to me. He apparently, didn't mean to hurt me, and that it was not his intention, but when you blatantly refuse not respect my requests per my body and my household and do those things anyways, your "intentions" no longer matter, or have simply show that they are purely self-serving. I feel like I'm being dragged down by him. "Just leave," right? I love him...so much, and want to stay with him for whatever reason. HOW do I deal with this? I just have my mom to talk to. She sees clearly the issue with his irresponsibility. She doesn't know about other stuff he's done, otherwise it would be a big ordeal. I have just silently sought to forgive him. Even on days when we are "calm", I still feel my anger for him boiling inside me. I feel like he still does little things to try to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] me off so I can explode, because he senses when I am dissatisfied with his behavior, and probably wants to get back at me in a childish way. I don't know why he hasn't tried to improve his life by owning up to his flaws. He's seen as bad it can be within his own family. I tried to get him into therapy, but he doesn't believe he needs it. If I try to leave him, he will only act like he didn't know what he did wrong. I'm wondering if, despite my love, I will have to leave him due to his intolerable behavior. I will provide any additional details at my discretion upon request. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks. God bless.
     
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  2. Jeshu

    Jeshu Bought by His Blood Supporter

    +7,423
    Australia
    Christian
    Married
    The real issue with people hurting us is that they put their sin into us and we sin out of those hurtful feelings back to them again and so we get a catch 22 and no one wins. satan loves play nasty games.

    The best is to forgive him from your heart, time and again, and let Jesus rebuild you in that part of your life with His forgiving love.

    John 13:34
    "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

    The more love from God you let in your heart healing those wounds of the past, the more ready you will be to help your boy friend with his problems hurting you.

    So bring every hurtful, nasty, mean, untrue, loveless deed he has done against you, still living in you, to Jesus and let His loving truth completely redeem you from the pain such is causing you all the time.

    Forgiving love sets us free from the sin others have committed against us, so that we can be well equipped to help those doing the hurting to stop doing that.

    True love is an unbelievable powerful force in our lives. Do get to know Him.

    Matthew 6:14
    "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

     
  3. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +14,767
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    You’ll never get anywhere with a man blowing up. Whether he’s right or wrong. It’s the antithesis of respect and that’s their sticking point.

    If you want to be heard you have to reign in your emotions and calm down. Excitability and frustration add unnecessary tension to the discussion. Go purge with the Lord, pray, then talk to him.

    You can’t change him and he won’t change for you. Until he sees the behavior as counterproductive to you both nothing will shift. He must see the harm bilaterally. And grasp how hurting you harms him in return.

    But this isn’t all in his lap. You’ve acknowledged your weakness, repression, and inability to let go. What incentive does he have if you remain? There’s no consequence to his actions save a tirade and planted feet.

    Actions speak louder than words. Love is not an excuse for dysfunction. The purpose of engaging is to determine if marriage is possible. Can you honestly say it is?

    If you’re fighting now you should expect an increase. You can’t lose control when things don’t go your way. You’ll experience that a lot.

    You need to sit down and have a heart to heart and set some boundaries and a time frame for improvement. If things remain as-is you have your answer. Pray for him and yourself. Forgive and avoid further strife.

    In my experience, when there’s contention and arguments it’s usually a sign you’re incompatible. My companion and I rarely disagree and never argue. He’s not hotheaded, flippant, or prone to anger. We keep our cool. Finding middle ground is easier when you do.

    ~bella
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
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  4. 1rreducibly Complex

    1rreducibly Complex Newbie

    385
    +203
    Christian
    Single

    What you're describing seems like something many couples struggle with.

    I don't know what to say about it aside from.

    1. Life can be different.

    2. Those who are determined to remain the same person, will never change.
     
  5. SANTOSO

    SANTOSO Well-Known Member

    +879
    Indonesia
    Christian
    Married
    Beloved one, consider this counsel that we have heard:

    “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in ANY trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For each one shall bear his own load.”
    ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:1-5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

    Beloved one, have you not considered your boyfriend as a man is overtaken in trespass? When he trespassed you — have he not offended you? Restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Since you have been angry with him, even during calm days, I considered that you have been tempted. So don’t be tempted to be angry. I may consider that you barely bore with this burden. Beloved one, come to the love of Christ then you will be strengthen to bear with all the disagreements that you may have. So beloved one, fulfill the law of
    Christ.

    Beloved one, love begets love. So come to the love of Christ, that you may love your boyfriend and mother with the love of Christ.

    May God’s steadfast love be with you. To God. be thanksgiving through Christ.
    Amen
     
  6. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    +5,729
    Non-Denom
    Married
    What was his parents' relationship like?
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2021
  7. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +14,767
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    Reading this with fresh eyes is troubling. Dating isn't a vehicle to sate emotional and physical lack. It isn't an avenue to solve your loneliness. The purpose of dating from a Christian perspective is to gauge suitability for marriage. That's the bottom line. Not coupling or a relationship.

    There's an undercurrent of insecurity and codependency. Coupled with obvious examples of immaturity, irresponsibility, poor self-control, boundary violations, disrespect, secrecy, avoidance, and exasperation.

    This isn't the recipe for a happy relationship or ending. There's too much amiss. You don't have a complement. You bring out the worst in one another. You're oblivious to the fact you can't handle his problems or his way of addressing them. Confrontation doesn't move avoidant men. They clam up more.

    The violations are indicative of passivity. He can only do what you permit. You know it's wrong. That's why you refuse to admit it to your mother. Your desire to remain is greater than honesty. You can't let go but you don't like what you're going through.

    Spiritual maturity requires us to call a spade what it is. If a situation isn't good to or good for you tell the truth. Some people are better apart than together. Feelings aren't enough. They aren't a guarantee for healthy unions. Healthy people make healthy couples.

    You need someone who diffuses your anger. Not sets it off. And better coping mechanisms for adversity. You both have growing to do. You can't operate outside of God's parameters and expect things to go well. It's His way or yours. And you reap what you sow.

    Invest your time in becoming a godly woman and embodying the qualities the bible mentions. They're for our edification. You're so focused on fixing him you're unable to see you're both broken. That's why the conflict exists and you can't move beyond it.

    Choosing God's standard and walking in that light may require you to part ways. But that's not the end of the story. That's a scarcity mindset. The healthier you are spiritually the better your prospects. You'll attract like-minded suitors. The ones who aren't will be evident. You won't waste time chasing rainbows.

    This is a foretaste of tomorrow. This is who you are as-is. Is it enough? Could you marry him tomorrow in light of what you know? All relationships have struggles. Difficulty can't be the bulk of the connection. Endless bouts of adversity take a tool.

    Choose wisely.

    ~bella
     
  8. Estrid

    Estrid Well-Known Member

    +1,103
    Hong Kong
    Skeptic
    In Relationship
    Run, don't walk to the nearest exit.
     
  9. Soyeong

    Soyeong Well-Known Member

    +3,766
    Messianic
    Single
    You shouldn't expect that your relationship while married will be better than it is while dating. You should try to get married to someone who will make your life easier, not more difficult. You should not date people who you think need therapy. You should not date people who don't respect you. You should not continue to date someone based on how you feel about them when it is against your better judgement, especially if you know that it would also be against the better judgement of friends and family if they knew everything. Get out of relationships that are not how you want to spend the rest of your life and reflect upon things you could have done better and things you learned so that your future relationships will be better, but don't accept blame for anything that he is responsible for.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
  10. Dr. Gluckenstein

    Dr. Gluckenstein New Member

    28
    +42
    United States
    Christian
    In Relationship
    US-Libertarian
    Wow, yeah, there's a lot to this. I know we're both broken...very broken. We've discussed it together, and made the commitment to stick by each other. We're both weak in certain areas, for sure, but we've decided we want to help each other, and of course, that means submitting to the criticism. I think I need to be more patient with him in his issues.
    He seems to be experiencing some consequences for his actions and is really seeing the how and why of things he hasn't been taught before in life (had a pretty rough upbringing). It's a bit stressful, but nothing he can't easily overcome while learning a lot along the way.
    I think we both have trauma that we're trying to get through in order to communicate better with each other. It makes it difficult, and I think sometimes I exacerbate and enable certain escapist tendencies with him, but it's been hard to observe that due to being in chaos (been moving, trying to find job, organize things, court dates, fun, etc.); to pick up on these patterns (or maybe I'm just not too smart).
    I definitely need to sit down and have a discussion about some things. It's going to take time before I know just how to proceed, I think.
     
  11. Soyeong

    Soyeong Well-Known Member

    +3,766
    Messianic
    Single
    It is possible for a man and a woman to be friends who are committed to helping each other while still recognizing that it wouldn't be a good idea for them to get married to each other, such as if they want different things out of life, or if a marriage to each other would just make them both miserable, or if one or both of them aren't ready for marriage. It's also possible that the stress of it being a romantic relationship is putting tension on your relationship that is exasperating your problems rather than allowing you to address them more effectively. God uses broken people, so there is no shame in being broken. I think that this short video is a good analogy for how God views us:



    One thing that you can try to do have a rule that when there is a disagreement that each person is not permitted to speak until they have repeated the thoughts and feelings of the other in their own words to the other's satisfaction. This helps to make listening about trying to understand what the other is saying and not about trying to counter what they are are saying, it slows things down so that anger is less likely to build up, and it helps to reduce interrupting. Also try to avoid resolving conflict when one or both of you is tired or emotional, but agree to resolve it at a later time.
     
  12. bèlla

    bèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +14,767
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    The primary reason you're struggling is you're both in a rut. It's hard to pull someone out of hole when you're in one yourself. I've helped a lot of people heal over the years. But I wasn't in the same place. I was in a position to give more of myself than they could in return. Nor were we romantically involved. That carries a host of expectations and entanglements that don't exist otherwise.

    You're serving them. That's the difference. You can't serve him in the same way. Your feelings and expectations are impediments. That's why turning the other cheek is hard. You want him to be better, treat you differently, etc. But when someone is healing they mess up a lot. You take it personal because you're his partner.

    You need emotional distance. It allows you to endure the unpleasantness without blowing up. There are ways I can't minister to my partner. I'm too close. I handle it in prayer instead. God brings someone who can help him in the ways I can't.

    You can heal together without being together. Ideally, you should. You shouldn't choose a companion until you're whole. What appeals at the moment may be less so when you're in a better place.

    ~bella
     
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