Disgust with past classmate

[InThePottersChamber]

Hi all

as you know, the title uses very strong and provocative words. but it is the way I feel. Let me explain. I met this girl eleven years ago in a high school I went to briefly for about 2-3 months. from what I can remember, she was a little above average in her studies, but there was something about her that was sort of unlikable. even in our friend group most of us would hardly talk to her, never mind classmates outside our friend group. anyway, I met her by chance, in a psych ward. we have the same mental illness. this was the first time for me hearing about this about her. there was another thing that I didn't know too: in this 11 years, she hadn't received any tertiary education, and the only thing she was doing with her life was sleeping with new men almost every night. When she told me this, the way of her speaking, told me that she was somehow proud of this, as if she was influenced by the media and thought it was a 'cool' thing. Keep in mind we are almost 30 this year.

I'm so sorry but I felt extremely disgusted. I spoke to her because we were in the same psych ward anyway and I didn't want to be rude. And then when I returned home I sent her messages about Jesus, urging her to turn her life around, giving other practical advice like how to find cheap to free courses that can help her in getting a job, and if she didn't want to study she could train in something vocational like cutting hair or applying make up. I also told her to buy a bible. Then I told her I would speak to her once a week, but after a few hours I changed my mind and blocked her and deleted her number from my phone.

I know a lot of you would feel that I was being judgemental, harsh and prideful, but please hear me out. I blocked her and deleted her number because
1) I have a mental illness myself and we all know the company we keep will shape us into who we ultimately become.
2) I am afraid of her. She is obviously bad company. She is poor, and to fall so far down in life this way (sleeping around so much), says something about the integrity of her character, not to mention the men whom she sleeps with. What if they decide they want to hurt me in some way?
3) I just don't like her. I already told you even eleven years ago no one really liked her. I think when everyone doesn't like someone, it kind of is our sixth sense telling us something. I can give you examples of the numerous times I have ignored this type of warning from my intuition and ended up in fixes.

But I felt guilty, like I was ignoring someone in need. so I prayed to God about it and a few hours later I came across the verse in Psalms 1:1-2. but the problem is, though I don't feel guilty any longer, I still feel disgust, anger and fear, and these past two to three days she has always been on my mind. Not always, but frequently. I think the reason for this is because all of the people I associate with are wealthy successful people, and I am not used to meeting someone like her, so this is a shock to my system, that is why it keep staying with me. but it is something else too and I don't know what it is. she doesn't know my home address, et cetera, so it's not like I am in any real danger. I have been praying for her, asking God to send someone better equipped to help her. I just don't like that I keep unintentionally thinking of her so frequently.

Can someone give me some advice on what to do? What would you do if you were in my position, and what would you have done?

 

[d taylor]

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Well looks like you do not really have much compassion for this person. So i would leave her alone, she needs someone who would really care about her, to help her.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

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Well looks like you do not really have much compassion for this person. So i would leave her alone, she needs someone who would really care about her, to help her.

how can you say I don't have compassion? I think what I said totally flew over your head. Would you deal with or get close to such a person? It''s not like she's a drug addict. Honestly a lot of people addicted to drugs have a special propensity to develop their addictions, due to genetic factors. there is no research showing that the same can be said of sex addicts. even if she isn't the crazy, psychotic type, think of the type of men who would 'sleep' with such a girl. it's a possibility that they could and would turn violent for money, et cetera. If I was an organisation then maybe I would let my organisation help/ take an interest, but even if I were a multi-millionaire, I wouldn't get close to/ befriend her. there are millions of real life cases where people's sympathy for those way below them in every aspect led to terrible things such as fraud and even murder. No thanks. why don't YOU deal with her? Do you want her number?

 

[d taylor]

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Ever read about Jonah in The Bible. Your attitude toward this girl remind me of Jonah and the Ninevites.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

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Ever read about Jonah in The Bible. Your attitude toward this girl remind me of Jonah and the Ninevites.

er , no. I am not in any whale circumstantially, and I am not angry with her. my disgust is just disgust. I've seen people dealt with worse hands and survived and thrived. this isn't circumstantial. she lacks the integrity and character to be a good productive person. also the disgust might be because my mind keeps going to her, but I think of her less and less now. I have my own challenges and own life to face. when I said 'what should I do?' I meant what should I do because my errant mind keeps wandering to her. I didn't mean 'what should I do to help her?'

I'm not lacking in compassion. I don't laugh about her with my friends. we don't do that sort of thing. but others more fortunate than me do those things. in no way am I harming her at all. I just cannot and choose not to deal with her. I've seen homeless people with better character

 

[angelsaroundme]

People started to judge her. It is unclear why from your writings. Was it related to her being poor like having cheap clothes? Issues stemming from an unstable family life?

At any rate, others went along with judging her and then thought themselves justified because they were in agreement. This could have increased her desperation for validation. Her sleeping with a bunch of men was likely an attempt to prove her self-worth to a world that had always made her question it. While it was the wrong choice, and if anything made her chances at true happiness more difficult, it's understandable why she'd fall into that trap.

It doesn't sound like you are in a great place to help her, and even then, that bridge may be burned. So, all you can do may be to pray for her and learn from the experience. We've all done things we regret, whether its ghosting (disappearing from someone's life without explanation) or something else. God doesn't expect that we'll be perfect from birth to death. God knows we won't be. But because of God every day is a new day, a chance to be better than we were before.

 

[mikeforjesus]

You know very well that judging is sinful if person showed no interest to consider to change would be right to be disgusted but to be disgusted just because of person past you know is evil hearted for you know we are all unworthy of God that we have sinned many are far from God and you should have compassion on them as they need to repent or they would not be saved and go to hell

 

[turkle]

I'm wondering, did she ever ask for your advice? Or did you sweep in to rescue and change her as it sounds in your post?

She sounds lost, and is looking for acceptance in the only way she knows how. Remember, lost people behave like lost people. It is no surprise. I wouldn't be disgusted, I would feel sad. I have had many friends like her, and she is in an awful situation. She likely needs an empathetic ear.

You said that you'd talk to her once a week, then you changed your mind and blocked her. It sounds like you owe her an apology for misleading her.

From what you said, it sounds like you think she is beneath you, and after your initial attempt to be a hero, you backed off after fear crept in. I have to wonder if she was ever interested in being rescued by you, as you didn't say. What I do know for sure is that people don't like unsolicited advice.

So to answer your question, I would reach out to her, apologize for ghosting her, and offer friendship, as a listening ear as opposed to an advisor. That is, unless your fears are too much for you. But I still would right that wrong.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

I'm wondering, did she ever ask for your advice? Or did you sweep in to rescue and change her as it sounds in your post?

She sounds lost, and is looking for acceptance in the only way she knows how. Remember, lost people behave like lost people. It is no surprise. I wouldn't be disgusted, I would feel sad. I have had many friends like her, and she is in an awful situation. She likely needs an empathetic ear.

You said that you'd talk to her once a week, then you changed your mind and blocked her. It sounds like you owe her an apology for misleading her.

From what you said, it sounds like you think she is beneath you, and after your initial attempt to be a hero, you backed off after fear crept in. I have to wonder if she was ever interested in being rescued by you, as you didn't say. What I do know for sure is that people don't like unsolicited advice.

So to answer your question, I would reach out to her, apologize for ghosting her, and offer friendship, as a listening ear as opposed to an advisor. That is, unless your fears are too much for you. But I still would right that wrong.

I will not befriend her. I already told you my reasons and they are valid reasons. In fact God has given me, since the posting of this post, many verses to comfort me and assure me I did the right thing. Deut 7:16 "Do not pity them neither shall you serve their gods, for that would be a snare to you." She's a buddhist. I don't like buddhists. I've met a few, they're quite....nevermind, I won't say anything. She is beneath me. I am traumatised by this. When you hear about a crime on the news, you feel curiosity and maybe a speck of pity. When's it happens to someone you know personally, it will traumatise you, and meeting her and knowing someone like this personally it has traumatised me.

Matthew 6:14 : I read this verse a few days ago, and I realised God wants me to forgive her. I have been praying for Him to forgive me, and to heal her, but I've neglected my own needs. I am a highly sensitive person (It's a trait we are born with, google it), and these things affect me deeply. When I came across the verse about forgiveness, I realised that I have been praying for the wrong things. I need to forgive her and I need to ask for healing. I come from the upper-middle classes, and like I said all my family and friends aren't in such situations. This has been incredibly traumatising for me. But everyone here only judges me ((except @angelsaroundme , thank you so much.))

You judge me for being judgemental and evil-hearted, to quote one of the posters, did you know I cried to my mother about this classmate, and.i never cry to my mother. I feel some christians are so quick to judge, but what would you do if you were in my situation? My tertiary education informed me about why the poor stay poor, and at least half of those reasons are caused by their own actions. the poor have no self control, they value instant gratification over anything else. I know of some people who were born to lower class/ lower middle class families. They are multimillionaires now, lawyers who have their own firms, pastors who are exceptionally emotionally intelligent, and whole factory, and media companies owners. I personally know this people. My own mother came from a lower-middle class family, to a single mother, who had a farmer for a father. My uncle (mother's brother) graduated from Harvard, my aunt (mother's sister) graduated from a subpar university but she is earning so much now that she owns three mansions and four big cars. This reinforces my point: most of the poor who stay poor do it to themselves.

It is very important to have good judgement about others. Mixing with the wrong people can literally kill you. God gave us brains, and He expects us to use them. If you're poor and you pray for God to make you wealthier, but you keep spending on items that you don't need, or you buy things to impress others, will God help you? Similarly, God has given me a lot of biblical verses to warn me about this classmate, and even some to help me love myself and consider why I feel what I feel instead of focusing so much on others. You can think what you want. Especially @mikeforjesus , you don't even know me personally. You're the one who is unworthy of God. Everyone with half a brain will agree with me or at least see that my reasons for my feelings and actions are justified. Unless you are one of those who puts instant gratification above everything else.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

People started to judge her. It is unclear why from your writings. Was it related to her being poor like having cheap clothes? Issues stemming from an unstable family life?

At any rate, others went along with judging her and then thought themselves justified because they were in agreement. This could have increased her desperation for validation. Her sleeping with a bunch of men was likely an attempt to prove her self-worth to a world that had always made her question it. While it was the wrong choice, and if anything made her chances at true happiness more difficult, it's understandable why she'd fall into that trap.

It doesn't sound like you are in a great place to help her, and even then, that bridge may be burned. So, all you can do may be to pray for her and learn from the experience. We've all done things we regret, whether its ghosting (disappearing from someone's life without explanation) or something else. God doesn't expect that we'll be perfect from birth to death. God knows we won't be. But because of God every day is a new day, a chance to be better than we were before.

I don't know why they judged her. I was only in the public school for around 2-3 months. I went back to my private school after that because one of the teachers int he public school was a nightmare to deal with. This classmate didn't have cheap clothes, they were normal clothes. She was lower-middle class, and her parents didn't have any tertiary education, but most of the girls within the friend group I belonged to also had the same kind of family background. The girls who were more 'upper/upper-middle class' were not very cultured, and they behaved terribly because it was rare in that school to find other rich people. These were also some of the main reasons I transferred back to my private school. One of the 'popular' girls always invited me to her parties, but I always declined.

You know, interestingly, back in the private school, my old friends turned on me because of some silly teenage drama, but only for a few months, then I found new friends. I was quite sad and angry about this for some time, but seeing how this former classmate of mine turned out, I am very glad things happened the way it did, for me. I'd take bullying over mixing with these kind of people any day.

to reply to your second paragraph, like I mentioned earlier, I don't know why they judged her, it could be because she did something weird or wrong or said wrong or weird things before I arrived at the school. you know how children can be so judgemental and cruel at that age. Even in the friend group they liked to ignore her, which was strange. However, sometimes, it isn't about whether our judgement or other kinds of non physical, non obvious ill treatment towards certain people are justified because of the opinion of the masses, it's the fact that sometimes these things ARE in fact justified.

There was something very unlikable about her. I can't put my finger on it, but the first time I saw her I didn't like her, and then I saw that others didn't too. Mind you I didn't know that they disliked her, and I didn't know that she was lower middle class. I used to have compassion for people like this, but I've learnt through personal experience and other channels, if someone, who hasn't done anything wrong or weird, is disliked by the majority, there usually is a reason. this reason is called "the human intuition". science has proven that intuition exists, and most of the times can be trusted.

Even then, people's validation should never matter that much. she should have found something she was good at and work on it, take pride in it. her hobby and passion could have been her best friend. people were good to me growing up, but my parents weren't. Needless to say I didn't turn out the way she did. People were good to me because I wisened up, I focused on self-improvement, I didn't blame the world for my troubles. I didn't find an easy way out. And I genuinely loved people, I think people can sense that. If people were against me, I pushed back harder, I did everything I could to be liked, to be respected. I practiced delayed gratification. My parents, although we are upper middle class now, they both don't come from wealthy or even middle class families, therefore their emotional intelligence is very lacking. But they were hardworking, got into universities, made money and invested it into me and my brothers. anyway my point is everyone has it hard in one way or the other. I believe, with some exceptions, everyone can make it out of any slum they find themselves in. It just takes hard work, determination, and good character. I believe that a lot of people who 'make mistakes', do not have good traits in them, which lead to the messes they find themselves in. They put themselves in quicksand by being greedy, impatient, prideful. You can say what you want and think what you want but this is the truth. That is why people who pity the poor and try to help them often end up dead or broke themselves.

 

[mikeforjesus]

I am not offended for you to judge me only as you do it as a reaction because you see it as judging you for judging your behaviour. Maybe I did calling you evil hearted but I should have said such is wrong attitude evil but not to accuse you as I did not know why you feel that way. I apologise not knowing situation. But it is wrong to judge person as seeking instant gratification because he does not want to go after what others do when other Christian’s have said to follow American dream is wrong and condemn it as prosperity gospel and that we need to focus on preaching and to say would be distraction to focus too much on that to not know times we are in that I see their concern so I wanted to see if I could devote my time instead to growing as disciple and preaching instead and to be missionary maybe but realise it is not wise unless I can know God is calling me and will strengthen me but they are wrong to condemn that it is wrong as Christian to seek to prosper but they are right only to be following to prosper without also having served God and not to share with poor for bible says I pray you may prosper in all things even as your soul prospers

 

[coorilose]

Was Jesus ever disgusted with anyone? He didn't approve of the actions of certain people but never disgusted.

You should have just told her you don't approve of her sleeping with new men every night.

 

[studentinprayer]

Can someone give me some advice on what to do? What would you do if you were in my position, and what would you have done?

In those circumstances, I could definitely see myself both struggling with weighing 'what's best' and acting in a similar conflicted pattern which ultimately lead me to take the safest surest path of getting away from it. Feeling disgust does exist as a warning and I think we should not just ignore it because at times we must push past it.

I cannot help but sense in the lingering sense of 'a better way' there is a great opportunity that the next time you can be more equipped and can approach it with loving eyes rather inner conflict. Perhaps too it all got confused as there would be some awe and guilt -- that had you acted all those years ago, your impact may have been truly transformational. As no doubt those small historic things had so intensified over the years.

What I would personally try to let go of if your post were my thoughts on an encounter would be the blame('self-righteousness') within that disgust as being justified because 'she sleeps around' or 'is lazy' or 'is needy' or even that your 'un-suitedness' was because you suffer a mental illness.

For if you were asked the words would come and the glow of her inner radiance shine from her broken exterior. That day your called to act was not that day, but it's coming and all those justifying trivialities may still then be there and so pray for that inner strength and be ready.

There is no greater gift then to get to give to someone in need, but diving into the lions den isn't always a leap of faith sometimes it's just suicide.

 

[Diamond7]

Can someone give me some advice on what to do? What would you do if you were in my position, and what would you have done?

People like that only have short term relationships.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

In those circumstances, I could definitely see myself both struggling with weighing 'what's best' and acting in a similar conflicted pattern which ultimately lead me to take the safest surest path of getting away from it. Feeling disgust does exist as a warning and I think we should not just ignore it because at times we must push past it.

I cannot help but sense in the lingering sense of 'a better way' there is a great opportunity that the next time you can be more equipped and can approach it with loving eyes rather inner conflict. Perhaps too it all got confused as there would be some awe and guilt -- that had you acted all those years ago, your impact may have been truly transformational. As no doubt those small historic things had so intensified over the years.

What I would personally try to let go of if your post were my thoughts on an encounter would be the blame('self-righteousness') within that disgust as being justified because 'she sleeps around' or 'is lazy' or 'is needy' or even that your 'un-suitedness' was because you suffer a mental illness.

For if you were asked the words would come and the glow of her inner radiance shine from her broken exterior. That day your called to act was not that day, but it's coming and all those justifying trivialities may still then be there and so pray for that inner strength and be ready.

There is no greater gift then to get to give to someone in need, but diving into the lions den isn't always a leap of faith sometimes it's just suicide.

thank you. you are literally the only person here who has a mind, and you're using the brain God gave you. I hope you go far in life. God bless, have a great day ahead.

 

[Diamond7]

I like how everyone here is judging me. I actually have many friendships which have lasted for years.

I am not talking about you, I am talking about the girl. Never mind, I am finished with this thread.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

I am not talking about you, I am talking about the girl. Never mind, I am finished with this thread.

all right, I'm really sorry. I really am. Thank you. I hope you have a good day, and may God bless you.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

I am not talking about you, I am talking about the girl. Never mind, I am finished with this thread.

i have deleted my comment, I'm truly sorry.

 

[Sabertooth]

@InThePottersChamber, I don't recall you saying which mental illness you had. (That could be very relevant to your question.)
If it is, praying for her is a good option.
Another possibility is visiting her with another sister from your church, who could be a support for you...

 

[InThePottersChamber]

@InThePottersChamber, I don't recall you saying which mental illness you had. (That could be very relevant to your question.)
If it is, praying for her is a good option.
Another possibility is visiting her with another sister from your church, who could be a support for you...

I have bipolar 1, but people with this illness do not act like she does when we are medicated, and she is not the type to skip medicine.