Disabled as a man, in late 30's, am I just destined to be single in this life?

[Ronit]

I've experienced healing a number of times in my life.....
if God had not healed me of rheumatoid arthritis I could be disabled at this time as well. I am sixty... i was healed when I was about twenty or twenty one. I developed arthritis when I was about fourteen.


Jas 5:14

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord

Praise God!

 

[TLSITD]

I've seen some threads from women who worried about being single their entire lives because of disability, I worry about that too, I'm a little extra worried because of society, as a man, I can't be a provider for a family because of my disabilities (I also worry isn't it biblical teachings that a man should be the head of household and provider for his family?). It's emasculating to think about even in the most unlikely scenarios that some woman was able to love me, she would be providing for me. I feel socially pressured that it'd be impossible for me to meet a woman, fall in love and get married because I feel I'd be a bad husband unable to provide for himself much less a family, and I feel like there's no way I could be desirable to anyone given my physical condition and lack of job, money, possessions, prospects, etc. So I'm worried I'm single forever (remember, Matthew 22, there's not going to be a "second chance" after the resurrection, if I'm single this life I will be single eternally). I don't even know how to meet someone since I'm homebound most of the time, haven't been able to go to church in years because I can't drive myself and family are not believers. As bad as the physical pain is, the loneliness and only company being non believers (and they think my beliefs are silly to say the least, I'm worried if I push the issue more I will find myself homeless) is worse in many ways.

Dear brother,

My heart is moved with great compassion after reading your post. I wish that it were possible for me to reach through the screen and give you a hug and pray with you, but I'll pray for you from afar.

God loves you, and He has a purpose and a plan for your life, and whether it includes marriage or healing or neither, the ultimate result of His work in you will outweigh and outlast anything you could have or experience here.

I have the same faith for myself and my own situation, which, while different than your own, is similar in many ways and a heavy cross to carry.

I encourage you to seek the Lord for grace and guidance concerning what His will is for you, so that you will have a focus and can pour yourself into that and find joy and purpose in it, whatever that may be (something I am doing myself in my own situation).

If you need a friend or someone to talk to, it would be my honor and privilege to serve you. I'm a very compassionate person, and I enjoy taking care of others. I'd be glad to get to know you, and to help you in whatever way God enables.

Romans 8:23-32
1 Corinthians 1:25-31; 15:35-58
2 Corinthians 4:16-18; 5:1-10

 

[har_habayit]

Wow, I didn't know these threads became so dormant over time. The last post was in 2019!

I just joined this forum and while the OP is probably not reading this anymore, I wanted to say that I've had this same fear. I am 38 and at least temporarily disabled. I've had long COVID twice and it is something that has interfered with my ability to work.

As for the need for opposite sex relationship, it is tough. Being desirable in some way is critical to attracting a woman. Jesus loves us for who we are at our worst, but we are not wired to do the same. For me, having a disability, I want to do the best I can to simply maximize what good I have in my life so that I don't go around moping as a victim, for that will certainly not lead to any friendships or a girlfriend. Let's remember that a girlfriend or wife is simply that, a friend. Friends are encouragers and while they are honest with their friends, they also try to bring positivity to the table. No one wants to be with a friend who just pulls them down.

When you're down and depressed like me, I've realized you need to reignite your passion somehow. When I'm depressed and I can't break out of it, it leads me to certain vices and bad attitudes that are simply destructive. Getting connected to community, in any way that is feasible, is really, really important. As for passions (interests, I mean) we all have them. We must tap into those and feel like we are contributing.

Without passion and faith and excitement for the future, any person will "die" on the inside in short order. I can't allow myself to go down that path.

 

[Art84]

I can relate to being disabled though really bothered me growing up. I served in church in my early 20's and met people though never met anyone that would understand me for who I am and accept me for my shortcomings. Now I am in my early 40's and just come to terms that I was meant to be single in my 20's, 30's and now 40's. Nothing wrong with it, just I believe not everyone is meant to be married.

 

[VCR-2000]

Unfortunately, somebody might come on this thread and twist it into "OP hates women!" like 99% of the rest of the time these threads on the internet are posted.

I really feel you on this. Even if there is argument that Matthew 22 and the parallels doesn't mean you won't get a "second chance" in eternity after this life, it is still speculative and technically nobody knows either way until we get there, but by the time we do go and it's not up there, it is too late. But I wish more people and Christians especially would say more things besides "sorry, no sexual or marriage experiences for eternity after this life" or along those lines. They just come off cold. It doesn't make me or you feel any better just being told "you would no longer want that", especially when you see it rubbed in your face and get demoralized or envious.

I'm not disabled physically like you are, but I do have Asperger Syndrome, and even though it's a more subtle form, I might not be yet socially "fit" by most social standards.

I long for society to return to an older time. Swiping has done a lot to make flirting and dating harder if your a woman or especially if you are not a "conventionally attractive man" by standards.

 

[VCR-2000]

Look to what you can do. Robert Anson Heinlein, Octavia Butler, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, John Milton and many other authors were disabled. Today there are far more choices. There are more and more jobs that can be done from home and that do not require any physical skills beyond using a computer keyboard.

EDIT: I'm not saying it will be easy, I hate it when people do that. Just that it is possible with a lot of work.

This world operated very differently in the mid-20th century to today. Sometimes using older examples don't apply in today's world.

 

[Jamdoc]

I can relate to being disabled though really bothered me growing up. I served in church in my early 20's and met people though never met anyone that would understand me for who I am and accept me for my shortcomings. Now I am in my early 40's and just come to terms that I was meant to be single in my 20's, 30's and now 40's. Nothing wrong with it, just I believe not everyone is meant to be married.

well I'm in my mid 40's now myself, and well situation's the same in some ways worse.

For me, it just gets hammered in by even the bible itself that it's not good to be isolated but, There's just never a time where I don't feel isolated and estranged. Go to church, feel alone in a crowd, in the world at some big party? Alone in a crowd, even with family, alone in a crowd.

There's just no intimacy in these settings and you're at best just an acquaintance.

Reading through scripture about how marriage and children are God's designs for man and knowing "there's nobody for me" just makes you feel like you're missing out on something very fundamentally human, that many people take for granted. You begin not even feeling human, like maybe you're something else beneath human.

Sure, God loves you, but how is His love expressed? Through suffering and dying on the cross. Not exactly a kind of love that you just cozy up to and seek affection from. It's also expressed through chastisement and scourging when you sin, disciplinary action. While yes that's part of love from a parent it's not really a comforting part.

 

[Simonides]

I wouldn't say it's a weapon against myself, the scripture is just truth, and its up to me to accept that truth and it may be that that truth for me is the gift of singleness. I referenced scripture because at some times I've laid my anxieties about the subject on people and well meaning, christian people who maybe forgot the scripture say things like "If you don't get married in this life, after the resurrection I'm sure God will have the most amazing woman for you and the happiness will be unimaginable even compared to a relationship in this life". They mean well, but their position is contradicted by scripture. The only eternal marriage is the one to Christ and well, if I am 100% honest to the core, since I was talking about emasculation, that one is also a little bit embarrassing because as a man I'm referred to as "the bride" while Christ is the groom. How do other men feel about that wording?
But anyway, singleness forever has me anxious. I'm anxious because in this body, in this life, I'm DESIGNED to crave marriage. That is all on me to not be anxious about it, or to, in something that would completely blow me away, by some surprise actually meet someone and all that.

You were designed to love and serve God. Marriage and family honors God and populates the earth. Marriage to Christ populates the Kingdom. You have been greatly blessed, don't let the devil, or you're own desires steal your blessing.

 

[timewerx]

well I'm in my mid 40's now myself, and well situation's the same in some ways worse.

For me, it just gets hammered in by even the bible itself that it's not good to be isolated but, There's just never a time where I don't feel isolated and estranged. Go to church, feel alone in a crowd, in the world at some big party? Alone in a crowd, even with family, alone in a crowd.

There's just no intimacy in these settings and you're at best just an acquaintance.

Reading through scripture about how marriage and children are God's designs for man and knowing "there's nobody for me" just makes you feel like you're missing out on something very fundamentally human, that many people take for granted. You begin not even feeling human, like maybe you're something else beneath human.

Sure, God loves you, but how is His love expressed? Through suffering and dying on the cross. Not exactly a kind of love that you just cozy up to and seek affection from. It's also expressed through chastisement and scourging when you sin, disciplinary action. While yes that's part of love from a parent it's not really a comforting part.

I'm in my mid forties now too. This world is just unfair. Jesus made no promises of having a happy life on this Earth as a good Christian.

I don't have friends, I don't get the opportunity to date either because I don't have money. I do have a job but it just goes to paying off debt. I can't even afford a proper meal. I'm starting to look like a Holocaust survivor for having so little to eat and dealing with enormous stress everyday. Not sure how long I can survive this. I feel fine for now but I worry sometimes my body will just spontaneously give up eventually.

 

[Jamdoc]

You were designed to love and serve God. Marriage and family honors God and populates the earth. Marriage to Christ populates the Kingdom. You have been greatly blessed, don't let the devil, or you're own desires steal your blessing.

when the only relationship you can "look forward to" is that of a master and a slave, it makes you wish you were never born.

 

[Simonides]

when the only relationship you can "look forward to" is that of a master and a slave, it makes you wish you were never born.

Ahh, now I think I see where you are coming from. You just might be in the wrong forum friend.

 

[Jamdoc]

Ahh, now I think I see where you are coming from. You just might be in the wrong forum friend.

But that's what it is... God is your master and if you're created just to serve, you're a slave. That's the language used by the apostles even, they say bond servant, that's a "kinder gentler" way of saving, slave. Owned property.

If that is the ONLY relationship you have..

 

[Simonides]

But that's what it is... God is your master and if you're created just to serve, you're a slave. That's the language used by the apostles even, they say bond servant, that's a "kinder gentler" way of saving, slave. Owned property.

If that is the ONLY relationship you have..

I mourn with you my friend. But we can't mourn forever. There's a point where grief over our circumstances turns into despair. And despair will produce a root of bitterness. And bitter roots go deep. They are not easily removed.

Be encouraged with these words from my Master.

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another."

 

[Jamdoc]

I mourn with you my friend. But we can't mourn forever. There's a point where grief over our circumstances turns into despair. And despair will produce a root of bitterness. And bitter roots go deep. They are not easily removed.

Be encouraged with these words from my Master.

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another."

There is nothing but bitterness in isolation and affliction. Even Job wished he'd never been born and Elijah asked God to kill him.

and that's the rub. For someone who's been blessed in life, it's easy to be thankful just to be alive, and be thankful just in forgiveness of your sins and eternal life.

For someone afflicted and isolated? The thought comes "I wouldn't need forgiveness of sins if I'd never existed, I never would have sinned, never would have suffered, never would have been isolated" It's hard to be thankful to be alive, and hard to find it sufficient to just be forgiven of sins. If anything it leads to resentment of even being alive.

Right now I'm home alone on thanksgiving, because I'm sick. Can't go anywhere.

 

[timewerx]

There is nothing but bitterness in isolation and affliction. Even Job wished he'd never been born and Elijah asked God to kill him.

and that's the rub. For someone who's been blessed in life, it's easy to be thankful just to be alive, and be thankful just in forgiveness of your sins and eternal life.

For someone afflicted and isolated? The thought comes "I wouldn't need forgiveness of sins if I'd never existed, I never would have sinned, never would have suffered, never would have been isolated" It's hard to be thankful to be alive, and hard to find it sufficient to just be forgiven of sins. If anything it leads to resentment of even being alive.

Right now I'm home alone on thanksgiving, because I'm sick. Can't go anywhere.

I feel you buddy because we're in similar situation. I often prayed to God for death myself too.

I get you but to be honest, I really don't know what to do in our situation.

Plenty of well-meaning Christians have been telling me what to do but nothing works. So I think they have no idea what's going on as well.

The only thing that is making sense for me atm - if you didn't have too much problems physically, mentally, and psychologically and your "karma bank" isn't empty (caused by yourself or ancestors), you have good chance of succeeding in this world.

Another thing that makes a bit of sense to me is Luke Chapter 6 and Hebrews Chapter 11. Christians are going to suffer terribly in this world. This is probably our tribulation already. People of faith did not receive what is promised in this life but will get it in the next (You'll read it in Hebrews 11).

 

[VCR-2000]

But that's what it is... God is your master and if you're created just to serve, you're a slave. That's the language used by the apostles even, they say bond servant, that's a "kinder gentler" way of saving, slave. Owned property.

If that is the ONLY relationship you have..

I kind of respect Islam for openly and brutally saying that it is a religion of submission. Just saying.

 

[Jamdoc]

I kind of respect Islam for openly and brutally saying that it is a religion of submission. Just saying.

All religions end up being that to be honest, it's just who you're submitting to. There's just no religion that places man on top of any god.

and really that's not the issue, you expect to serve God, He's the King.
The issue is that being your only relationship as a created being, servant to your creator.
It's the difference between social and eusocial animals.
Social animals have a hierarchy that is respected, there's a leader of a larger social group like a pack or flock, but the other animals under that leadership still have relationships to each other. That's kind of how humans operate currently, social animals, we have leaders, there's social hierarchy, but each person has their own relationships to each other.
Eusocial animals like hymenopterans (wasps, ants, bees) have a queen, and every other ant in that hive is sterile, and just serves the queen, outside of the male drones the queen uses to reproduce with. All the worker ants.. just serve the queen, they have no other relationships. Just a queen and her slaves.
That's the direction I fear.
To just be an ant in an ant pile.

 

[VCR-2000]

All religions end up being that to be honest, it's just who you're submitting to. There's just no religion that places man on top of any god.

Yeah. That's why I also draw parallels to human governments and religions/God.