Difficulties Approaching People

[Shattered-Reflections]

I realize I'm introverted and not good with small talk, but it's really hit me today that I struggle to approach people. I often feel like I'm being rude or being selfish for their time, even when I know they like talking with me or wanted to talk.

I've run into 3 instances in the last two days:

1) I didn't want to messages a friend unless I had something significant to share.

2) I didn't want to message another friend because she's a busy homeschooling mother, even though she says and seems to enjoy talking with me. I feel like I'm taking up her precious time and don't want to bother her with trifles of my life.

3) I didn't want to approach a guy I wanted to talk with about his weekend, even though he said he'd tell me about it. But since he didn't come to me first and was talking with other people... I felt it would be rude to just "butt-in".

I seem to have this anxiety or maybe a false idea of appropriate social interactions. I just seem to always be afraid of being an unwanted annoyance in other people's lives :'( I feel like I'm missing opportunities to form or build relationships because of this.

How can I not be so anxious? How can I be confident to approach people? What advice or encouragement would you give?

 

[roylee1970]

I can relate very well with you on this subject. After a lifetime of being called stuck up or told I always was ignoring people I finally had to force myself to be more aggressive. If I walked into a grocery store and saw someone I knew but they were in a conversation I would continue on because I did not want to interrupt. I always saw it as showing them respect but they saw it as me thinking I was too good for them or ignoring them. I never would call friends unless I had money or something interesting for us to do. This way I felt I was contributing something. Of all the women I've dated and the one I married I have never asked one out because I always felt they got enough that from other men and I was only adding to it. The list goes on. You just have to force yourself to slip out of the habit and trust that they will tell you if you have done something inappropriate. Over time the confidence in that you are not interrupting will come.

 

[Goodbook]

I know how you feel cos I had some bad experience with some people saying I was rude for interrupting, and then others who thought I was rude for ignoring them. It seem I can't win, but then I realised it was their problem not mine. Don't let your bad experiences from certain people prevent you from relating to others.

I read this really interesting book called Quiet, the power of introverts. It made me feel better about the way I am..that being mindful of others is a good thing, and we don't need to be acting like salespeople all the time.

Small talk..its just saying hi, hows it going. Or whats up? Then they can say whatever's on their mind, it could be just a sentence or you could end up talking for hours. If you approach them first, its on them to spend however much time they wanna talk with you. You don't have to think up anything to say, because you're the one asking how they are, you are the one listening.

If you were asking how they are then started talking about yourself, that would be rude or selfish. But you are not. You are asking how they are, and if they ask about you, then you answer. Its not like you are a news reporter and always have to tell a good story or a hard luck story when you meet someone!

Be genuine. Ps. Talking about the weather is fine with people you don't know. God sends rains on the righteous and unrighteous..its something we all have in common.

 

[trulyconverted]

I realize I'm introverted and not good with small talk, but it's really hit me today that I struggle to approach people. I often feel like I'm being rude or being selfish for their time, even when I know they like talking with me or wanted to talk.

I've run into 3 instances in the last two days:

1) I didn't want to messages a friend unless I had something significant to share.

2) I didn't want to message another friend because she's a busy homeschooling mother, even though she says and seems to enjoy talking with me. I feel like I'm taking up her precious time and don't want to bother her with trifles of my life.

3) I didn't want to approach a guy I wanted to talk with about his weekend, even though he said he'd tell me about it. But since he didn't come to me first and was talking with other people... I felt it would be rude to just "butt-in".

I seem to have this anxiety or maybe a false idea of appropriate social interactions. I just seem to always be afraid of being an unwanted annoyance in other people's lives :'( I feel like I'm missing opportunities to form or build relationships because of this.

How can I not be so anxious? How can I be confident to approach people? What advice or encouragement would you give?

In my opinion, you are very considerate of others.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I get that way sometimes. I usually just talk to the people and see how it goes. Sometimes I don't and wonder if I should have.

 

[seeingeyes]

I realize I'm introverted and not good with small talk, but it's really hit me today that I struggle to approach people. I often feel like I'm being rude or being selfish for their time, even when I know they like talking with me or wanted to talk.

I've run into 3 instances in the last two days:

1) I didn't want to messages a friend unless I had something significant to share.

2) I didn't want to message another friend because she's a busy homeschooling mother, even though she says and seems to enjoy talking with me. I feel like I'm taking up her precious time and don't want to bother her with trifles of my life.

3) I didn't want to approach a guy I wanted to talk with about his weekend, even though he said he'd tell me about it. But since he didn't come to me first and was talking with other people... I felt it would be rude to just "butt-in".

I seem to have this anxiety or maybe a false idea of appropriate social interactions. I just seem to always be afraid of being an unwanted annoyance in other people's lives :'( I feel like I'm missing opportunities to form or build relationships because of this.

How can I not be so anxious? How can I be confident to approach people? What advice or encouragement would you give?

I think it's really good that you noticed this pattern in yourself. Now you can take steps to fix it.

I think that there are two essential factors when it comes to social interaction. One is empathy. You have that already. You care what the other person is thinking (although you need to be careful not to put words in their mouths). The other is courage. You need to be willing to put yourself out there even though you may very well get rejected. That one takes practice. There's no way to be ok with failing unless you've been through it a couple (hundred) times. (I would know! )

To start with, you could try messaging your friends in a way that doesn't require a response. Instead of texting, "Hi, just wanted to chat, call me later", and then sitting around and worrying that you have placed some enormous obligation on them, you could text, "Hi, I was just reading this book about the cheeses of the world and something made me think of you, just wanted to tell you!"

Now you have let your friend know that you love them, you've let them know something about your day, and you haven't placed any burden, real or imaginary, on them, and you can go about your day. If they are busy, they'll message you later, if they're not, they'll message you right away, and if they hate you and will never text you back ever again, well, at least you've done something kind for your enemy. Win, win, win.

Try that out for a couple weeks and see how it feels.

 

[Cernunnos]

I can relate. My advice is to recognize that as an introvert, engaging with others takes work. Like anything worthwhile that takes effort, you have to make a choice. Choose to engage in those areas where you have the greatest potential for success. Success leads to confidence. It could be that helping out in your nearest homeless shelter provides you with an opportunity to do good things and interact with people. If people don't like you. . . it is volunteer, it isn't like your rent depends on it . . . if you are honest and show an interest in the people, it will probably be success though. Also recognize your limits and give yourself permission to withdraw when you need to. I am "here" making my first post on this forum, because I know I need to be working at communication/ interaction and I choose to "do" communication with Christians.

 

[Quasicentennial]

Being Christian since I accepted Jesus at 1, work seems to steal most of my social life and I believe that Jesus, as he lives spiritually in our hearts, is receiving all of our social limitations during our business-driven civilization lifestyles:.
I can understand that our earth-born mind limitations had been caused by Adam and Eve, and had they not sinned in the first place, then we would have possessed the supernatural intelligent minds of Christ where communication can be on a telepathic level - very similar to how internet or television works as information and images can be sent from the power of our imagination besides our easily-recognized voice personalities:.
Jesus is obviously absorbing every human experience and individual criticism as time approaches towards his Second Coming: to remove Satan's sin-causing mind and social limitations, so that we will experience a positive and active social lifestyle with incredible internet-like telepathic or face-to-face communication skills with our future-coming genius-intelligent minds of Christ, besides our perfectly-shaped disease-free bodies of Christ, once we become new brothers and sisters of Christ inside our free-for-all home accommodation city: the kingdom of God on a new Earth.;'*';.
Rev 21:2

 

[NewUser777]

... you could text, "Hi, I was just reading this book about the cheeses of the world and something made me think of you, just wanted to tell you!"

I don't know if I'd consider this a compliment or an insult.

 

[seeingeyes]

I don't know if I'd consider this a compliment or an insult.

Hehe... That depends on the recipient, I guess. But at least you'd get a call back to say "what in tarnation are you on about?!"

 

[parsley]

Just say cheese. (Everyone loves cheese!)

Keep your conversations short and frequent -- leave them wanting more. Set yourself deadlines to talk less than you want to, so you don't overstay your welcome. Friendship can take on a form of gluttony, where people just talk to boost their moods or morale, so you don't need too much of them either.

I have a friend with a busy schedule, and when we meet for meals, she will tell me ahead, "I have an hour, and then a meeting at 8."

1) I didn't want to messages a friend unless I had something significant to share.

That seems sensible to me. I get annoyed when I hear the ring tone, stop what I'm doing to dig through my purse, swipe the phone til the message opens, and then find only a "Lol" or "what's up?"

Even if people want to stay connected to you, you don't need to meet their demands with unnecessary chat. Stay in control, and believe in your own boundaries and convictions.
​

2) I didn't want to message another friend because she's a busy homeschooling mother, even though she says and seems to enjoy talking with me. I feel like I'm taking up her precious time and don't want to bother her with trifles of my life.

She's busy, but probably craving adult conversation! Mothers are often desperate for encouragement and friendships -- bc people in charge of other people don't have anyone to vent to. If your conversations are interrupted constantly -- that's just the environment she's had to adapt to, not a sign of being too busy for you.

What you can do there -- offer to have the whole family over, go to the beach with them, or stop by there and play with the kids -- anything that will help her keep things going without a disaster. Kids see their mom on the phone and feel deserted, but if you stop by, you become a friend to the whole family. She might appreciate a new idea to get everyone out of the house.
​

3) I didn't want to approach a guy I wanted to talk with about his weekend, even though he said he'd tell me about it. But since he didn't come to me first and was talking with other people... I felt it would be rude to just "butt-in".

Romantic interests are different, because there's always that dance of not wanting to impose yourself more than they welcome. Does he like me-what if he doesn't like me... that's just natural caution, not wanting to presume friendship.

Not butting in gets mixed in with manners and social courtesy -- but we watch people butt in all the time, and the group adapts. Just merge up to them, nod a hello, listen long enough to blend into the existing conversation. There's no guarantee and it will turn out differently each time, but it's worth the risk.

Sometimes I've approached groups and realized they were talking about something really sad, like a recent accident or health problem or layoff... I approached in a peppy mood and that ended up not very considerate.
​

I seem to have this anxiety or maybe a false idea of appropriate social interactions. I just seem to always be afraid of being an unwanted annoyance in other people's lives :'( I feel like I'm missing opportunities to form or build relationships because of this.

True, and sometimes you've missed some bad ones. Not everyone is trustworthy enough to befriend. It's good that you're seeing how caution holds you back, because it makes a difference in professions. People often get promoted and invited to jobs and opportunities through friendships.

What others said about empathy -- make sure that you show concern for the other people. Think about what they might need before you even approach them. Pray that God will work through you.

Some of my closest friendships started with people I was terrified of.
​

 

[Emmy]

Dear Shattered Reflections. In Matthew 22: 35-40: Jesus tells a Lawyer:
" The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all the heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like it: Love thy neighbour as thyself." Jesus also tells us: " On these two Commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." God wants our Love, freely given and NO conditions tagged on. How is it done ? Treat all you know and all you meet, friends and not friends, treat them as you would love to be treated, a smile makes a great difference, let your love show in your eyes. People will smile back and start to say Hello, and after that there will be more friendly talk, give it time.
In Matthew 7: 7-10: we are told: " ask and ye shall receive," ask for Love and Joy, then thank God and share your Love and Joy with all around you. You will find that to talk becomes easy. Jesus our Saviour will help and guide you,
JESUS IS THE WAY, trust Him. You might stumble and forget at times, but then ask God to forgive you, and carry on smiling and loving. Do this day after day, and soon you will turn into the person which God wants you to become. Love is a Christian`s great strong weapon, and Love will soon turn you into the person which God wants you to become. Why not try it today, and you will find how easy it will become to follow Jesus all the way.
I say this with love, Shattered Reflections. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

Everyone, thank you so much all your advice and encouragement thus far. I can't convey how each and every word was so beneficial for me.

@ Roylee1970: What you said is a huge encouragement to me. Just knowing that generally approaching people will encite positive feelings over nagetive reactions is helpful. Like you said I need to trust they'd let me know if I did them wrong. Thank you so much!

@ Goodbook:
You're right, if greeting someone or being friendly bothers them that's their problem. All that partical advice you gave, I really, really needed. Thank you <3 Often I feel like I need to be that reporter who is interesting - but I shouldn't put their strain on myself

@ Seeingeyes,
You're right, I shouldn't put "words in their mouth" and I need to have courage Sending a message online isn't too invasive either. And being compared to cheese is the best way into people's heart

@ Cernunnos,
Welcome to the forums! and thank you so much for your post! Helping others would give a chace to exercise my social skills and I should let it be okay to withdraw if and when I need to

@Parsley:
As odd as it may seem, I wasn't thinking that short and frequent as beneficial. Maybe because I enjoy deep dicussion and I am being selfish? And maybe because people have made me feel like I needed to be interesting? It wasn't good enough to just say "hello" and show up. I'm not saying these as a put down to myself. But that lately I've been challenging myself to approach coumminty and fellowship in selfless love.

You're right, but I send mostly online/facebook messages so it shouldn't be as bothersome

Yes, she probably dose crave adult conversation and encouragement. She keeps telling me what an encouragement I am to her And I guess part of it is that I've been dealing with such immature feelings lately I want to spare her that and give her my best and positive words.

You're sharp lol. The romantic interest is part of the caution here. But hearing once again that approaching a group usually works out is an encouragement. This may be an easier way for me and him to talk.

What others said about empathy -- make sure that you show concern for the other people. Think about what they might need before you even approach them. Pray that God will work through you.

^ Thank you for that

@ Emmy:
What you said is no small thing, Christ and selfless love is the heart of any relationship. The closer we draw to Him and His love the better friends we are to each other I have been doing better to smile and say "hello" to people I don't know, but I still struggle when it comes to new friends and budding friendships. Thank you for reminding that Christ is the way, thank you for reminding me it's okay to stumble and forget

 

[roylee1970]

The positive mind set happening over time is great but we all want to change today don&#8217;t we?

 

[parsley]

This is a secular resource, which could be helpful -- talking about relieving social anxiety through how we breathe, stand, move.

Boost Your Self Confidence Immediately with this Trick - YouTube

 

[seeingeyes]

This is a secular resource, which could be helpful -- talking about relieving social anxiety through how we breathe, stand, move.

Boost Your Self Confidence Immediately with this Trick - YouTube

When I first saw this, I thought those were prison bars in the background and thought, "Any guy giving relaxation tips from jail must know what he's talking about!"

 

[parsley]

I thought that too!

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

lol that was interesting XD but relaxation is a good point