Did she use this as an excuse to stop seeing me, even as a friend?

[ThisIsMe123]

I didn't bring this up for a while. Warning, Kind of long.....


But I think a couple of years ago...I had met this woman on Match that lived locally. She was early 50s, never married, no kids. Pretty ideal as I am the same. She goes to a local church and pretty well known throughout the small town.

Anyways, we clicked pretty well, and we met in person and when we were together...we had a great time. Thing was though, I got the vibe it was more of a...non-date. She insisted paying her own way. I was fine with it, didn't object.

We even went out a 2nd time...and still, she would not let me pay. Typically, when I go on dates, women let me pay. So I dunno, everyone's different. It felt more like a Schrödinger's Date

On our second date, while eating...she revealed to me that she was only open to friendships at this point...as she was recovering from colon cancer. She had it removed, but she still needed chemo and didn't want to subject a man to a relationship under those conditions. Which is understandable. Though it sounded promising that she at least had it removed.

She said the chemo could last several months (like around 6). Anyways, I was okay with being friends...as she is local to me...and most of my friends events are an hour away. I even liked her, as a friend, regardless.

But....that was when she slowly started to fade. I figured I"d stay in touch with her, to see how her health was doing....I really wanted to be her friend....as we clicked on levels and she was a sci-fi fan kind of.

Eventually, she stopped returning my texts and calls

I was kind of worried...as, well...because...cancer. So I'd ping her once in a while, but then it came to a point where I would completely stop.

One day, I befriended a friend of her's in the future. I didn't know that they knew each other, but I was invited out to a small gathering at this newer friend's house....I wasn't able to go...had to work.

But me and her got to talking (no dating interest here whatsoever)...then she mentions the name of the same woman. I had mentioned this woman previously and her health issues...as we were sharing stories about online dating and how this local woman (same thing I'm posting about her) had cancer.

Like I said, she mentioned the name of the same woman. I was like "Wait...woah...this is the SAME <name of woman> that I spoke about earlier? Even gave a description" and sure enough it was the same woman. She told me that she was doing well at this point healthwise.

So...months later, and after this conversation...I contacted her with a text. She said, "Thank you...but who is this?"

I guess she deleted my contact? I told her who I was and how I know her other friend (our new friend). She didn't respond after that. Went cold.

It was at that point I was thinking that she was using cancer as an excuse to ghost me? I hate to say that...but I get the feeling that's what she did. Though, it could be true (not saying it isn't) but if so...isn't there just some bad "ju-ju" about doing that?

I dunno, that's another topic too, about women SAYING they want to hang out as friends, so they could possibly introduce you to other singles, but do they really want to be friends?

 

[splish- splash]

I didn't bring this up for a while. Warning, Kind of long.....


But I think a couple of years ago...I had met this woman on Match that lived locally. She was early 50s, never married, no kids. Pretty ideal as I am the same. She goes to a local church and pretty well known throughout the small town.

Anyways, we clicked pretty well, and we met in person and when we were together...we had a great time. Thing was though, I got the vibe it was more of a...non-date. She insisted paying her own way. I was fine with it, didn't object.

We even went out a 2nd time...and still, she would not let me pay. Typically, when I go on dates, women let me pay. So I dunno, everyone's different. It felt more like a Schrödinger's Date

On our second date, while eating...she revealed to me that she was only open to friendships at this point...as she was recovering from colon cancer. She had it removed, but she still needed chemo and didn't want to subject a man to a relationship under those conditions. Which is understandable. Though it sounded promising that she at least had it removed.

She said the chemo could last several months (like around 6). Anyways, I was okay with being friends...as she is local to me...and most of my friends events are an hour away. I even liked her, as a friend, regardless.

But....that was when she slowly started to fade. I figured I"d stay in touch with her, to see how her health was doing....I really wanted to be her friend....as we clicked on levels and she was a sci-fi fan kind of.

Eventually, she stopped returning my texts and calls

I was kind of worried...as, well...because...cancer. So I'd ping her once in a while, but then it came to a point where I would completely stop.

One day, I befriended a friend of her's in the future. I didn't know that they knew each other, but I was invited out to a small gathering at this newer friend's house....I wasn't able to go...had to work.

But me and her got to talking (no dating interest here whatsoever)...then she mentions the name of the same woman. I had mentioned this woman previously and her health issues...as we were sharing stories about online dating and how this local woman (same thing I'm posting about her) had cancer.

Like I said, she mentioned the name of the same woman. I was like "Wait...woah...this is the SAME <name of woman> that I spoke about earlier? Even gave a description" and sure enough it was the same woman. She told me that she was doing well at this point healthwise.

So...months later, and after this conversation...I contacted her with a text. She said, "Thank you...but who is this?"

I guess she deleted my contact? I told her who I was and how I know her other friend (our new friend). She didn't respond after that. Went cold.

It was at that point I was thinking that she was using cancer as an excuse to ghost me? I hate to say that...but I get the feeling that's what she did. Though, it could be true (not saying it isn't) but if so...isn't there just some bad "ju-ju" about doing that?

I dunno, that's another topic too, about women SAYING they want to hang out as friends, so they could possibly introduce you to other singles, but do they really want to be friends?

I'm getting the feeling she was scared to let you into her life as she wasn't sure of how things
would turn out in the end concerning her health. A lady's gotta guard her heart sometimes, if you know what I mean. She just needed some assurance somehow 1st before taking the next step.

 

[brinny]

I didn't bring this up for a while. Warning, Kind of long.....


But I think a couple of years ago...I had met this woman on Match that lived locally. She was early 50s, never married, no kids. Pretty ideal as I am the same. She goes to a local church and pretty well known throughout the small town.

Anyways, we clicked pretty well, and we met in person and when we were together...we had a great time. Thing was though, I got the vibe it was more of a...non-date. She insisted paying her own way. I was fine with it, didn't object.

We even went out a 2nd time...and still, she would not let me pay. Typically, when I go on dates, women let me pay. So I dunno, everyone's different. It felt more like a Schrödinger's Date

On our second date, while eating...she revealed to me that she was only open to friendships at this point...as she was recovering from colon cancer. She had it removed, but she still needed chemo and didn't want to subject a man to a relationship under those conditions. Which is understandable. Though it sounded promising that she at least had it removed.

She said the chemo could last several months (like around 6). Anyways, I was okay with being friends...as she is local to me...and most of my friends events are an hour away. I even liked her, as a friend, regardless.

But....that was when she slowly started to fade. I figured I"d stay in touch with her, to see how her health was doing....I really wanted to be her friend....as we clicked on levels and she was a sci-fi fan kind of.

Eventually, she stopped returning my texts and calls

I was kind of worried...as, well...because...cancer. So I'd ping her once in a while, but then it came to a point where I would completely stop.

One day, I befriended a friend of her's in the future. I didn't know that they knew each other, but I was invited out to a small gathering at this newer friend's house....I wasn't able to go...had to work.

But me and her got to talking (no dating interest here whatsoever)...then she mentions the name of the same woman. I had mentioned this woman previously and her health issues...as we were sharing stories about online dating and how this local woman (same thing I'm posting about her) had cancer.

Like I said, she mentioned the name of the same woman. I was like "Wait...woah...this is the SAME <name of woman> that I spoke about earlier? Even gave a description" and sure enough it was the same woman. She told me that she was doing well at this point healthwise.

So...months later, and after this conversation...I contacted her with a text. She said, "Thank you...but who is this?"

I guess she deleted my contact? I told her who I was and how I know her other friend (our new friend). She didn't respond after that. Went cold.

It was at that point I was thinking that she was using cancer as an excuse to ghost me? I hate to say that...but I get the feeling that's what she did. Though, it could be true (not saying it isn't) but if so...isn't there just some bad "ju-ju" about doing that?

I dunno, that's another topic too, about women SAYING they want to hang out as friends, so they could possibly introduce you to other singles, but do they really want to be friends?

It was at that point I was thinking that she was using cancer as an excuse to ghost me?

"Using it as an excuse"?

Seriously?

God help us, she had CANCER and/or recovering from it?

Give her a break.

Why is this about YOU?

 

[ReesePiece23]

As a friend of someone who battled cancer (a battle she unfortunately lost when she was 27) I can tell you that the last thing on your friends mind was something as banal as dating. When something as severe and so very life threatening as cancer enters the equation, it serves as an earth shattering wake up call.

Things that were once top priority, become petty and utterly pointless in lieu of more meaningful pursuits - such as self improvement, bucket lists, and leaving a legacy etc. My friend did all of that, as well as pouring Bailey's on her breakfast cereal in the morning and dropping acid blotters in her orange juice (sorry, I was 21 at the time, I thought she was so cool for doing that )

As nice and as charming as I'm sure you were, you were never going to win her over romantically. Love and romance is like a bucket of icy water when you're trying to light a roaring fire - you want logs and gasoline, not slushy water, and unfortunately, you were slushy water. I was (as well as other friends) embarking upon new and exciting experiences with my friend, right up until she was too unwell to do anything besides stay in bed - I lost contact with her before then (probably because she didn't want to upset me!). You were trying to go on dates, which for a 50-something year old cancer survivor is boring.

And women will pay their own way in this day and age - it doesn't mean anything other than 'they want to pay their own way' - I've never really thought anything of it.

I sympathise with you and everything, but you really should have been a bit more emotionally intelligent here. I hope you clear the air with her though. In any event, own your end of things and chalk it down to experience. You didn't do anything wrong per se, but there was certainly room for a lot of improvement.

 

[brinny]

As a friend of someone who battled cancer (a battle she unfortunately lost when she was 27) I can tell you that the last thing on your friends mind was something as banal as dating. When something as severe and so very life threatening as cancer enters the equation, it serves as an earth shattering wake up call.

Things that were once top priority, become petty and utterly pointless in lieu of more meaningful pursuits - such as self improvement, bucket lists, and leaving a legacy etc. My friend did all of that, as well as pouring Bailey's on her breakfast cereal in the morning and dropping acid blotters in her orange juice (sorry, I was 21 at the time, I thought she was so cool for doing that )

As nice and as charming as I'm sure you were, you were never going to win her over romantically. Love and romance is like a bucket of icy water when you're trying to light a roaring fire - you want logs and gasoline, not slushy water, and unfortunately, you were slushy water. I was (as well as other friends) embarking upon new and exciting experiences with my friend, right up until she was too unwell to do anything besides stay in bed - I lost contact with her before then (probably because she didn't want to upset me!). You were trying to go on dates, which for a 50-something year old cancer survivor is boring.

And women will pay their own way in this day and age - it doesn't mean anything other than 'they want to pay their own way' - I've never really thought anything of it.

I sympathise with you and everything, but you really should have been a bit more emotionally intelligent here. I hope you clear the air with her though. In any event, own your end of things and chalk it down to experience. You didn't do anything wrong per se, but there was certainly room for a lot of improvement.

I agree with most of what you posted.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It was a blessing to read.

God bless you.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I agree with most of what you posted.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. It was a blessing to read.

God bless you.

Agreeing with most is better than agreeing with all - because if it were the latter, it'd almost certainly be a lie lol.

 

[brinny]

Agreeing with most is better than agreeing with all - because if it were the latter, it'd almost certainly be a lie lol.

Not always LOL!

 

[blackribbon]

I have taught my daughter to ALWAYS pay her own way if she doesn't have romantic intentions but enjoys hanging out with a guy. She is also to pay her own way when in doubt or until she is open to entering into a romantic relationship.

Yes, when you have an illness like cancer, you need a lot of friends. Friends that call to check on you and to see if you need anything. Friends that send notes to let you know that you are thinking about them. Friends who bring dinner over or offer to help with things around the house that are too difficult to do when you are sick with cancer. These are the people you consider your friends.

You opted to be a casual acquaintance, not a friend.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I have taught my daughter to ALWAYS pay her own way if she doesn't have romantic intentions but enjoys hanging out with a guy. She is also to pay her own way when in doubt or until she is open to entering into a romantic relationship.

I understand...I had let many women pay their own way the first date. I typically don't have a problem with it. I was just speculating.

Yes, when you have an illness like cancer, you need a lot of friends. Friends that call to check on you and to see if you need anything. Friends that send notes to let you know that you are thinking about them. Friends who bring dinner over or offer to help with things around the house that are too difficult to do when you are sick with cancer. These are the people you consider your friends.

You opted to be a casual acquaintance, not a friend.

I didn't opt in to be a casual acquaintance...I think that was her. At this point, she ghosted me even though I wanted to be friends.

Cancer aside...I don't think women can be friends with men...esp. if they were on a dating site...I mean, I'd hear how some women would say in their profiles "If it isn't a match, you can never have too many friends". I think they are fooling themselves there.

I have attempted to go along with this philosophy, depending on the woman, but usually they don't want you in their life in any capacity. When they say this, it's just fluff...a "letting you down easy" type of thing.

Even as friends...sometimes I'd get a unique female friend out of it, like the one I hang out with now...but that's a rarity.

 

[blackribbon]

I understand...I had let many women pay their own way the first date. I typically don't have a problem with it. I was just speculating.



I didn't opt in to be a casual acquaintance...I think that was her. At this point, she ghosted me even though I wanted to be friends.

Cancer aside...I don't think women can be friends with men...esp. if they were on a dating site...I mean, I'd hear how some women would say in their profiles "If it isn't a match, you can never have too many friends". I think they are fooling themselves there.

I have attempted to go along with this philosophy, depending on the woman, but usually they don't want you in their life in any capacity. When they say this, it's just fluff...a "letting you down easy" type of thing.

Even as friends...sometimes I'd get a unique female friend out of it, like the one I hang out with now...but that's a rarity.

It likely is a rarity, especially on a dating site. That doesn't mean the woman doesn't mean it. I think men can't see being friends with a woman they perceive as attractive and available. And to be a friend means both people have to be on the same page.

I doubt that you give the vibe that you are open to friendship only because it is very obvious, at least here, that you are looking very hard for a life partner or at least a dating partnership.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

It likely is a rarity, especially on a dating site. That doesn't mean the woman doesn't mean it. I think men can't see being friends with a woman they perceive as attractive and available. And to be a friend means both people have to be on the same page.

I doubt that you give the vibe that you are open to friendship only because it is very obvious, at least here, that you are looking very hard for a life partner or at least a dating partnership.

Agreed...I mean, both of us would not be on a dating site if we were going for something platonic. The cat's out of the bag when you're on on a dating site (the intentions are obvious).

 

[Sam91]

I understand...I had let many women pay their own way the first date. I typically don't have a problem with it. I was just speculating.



I didn't opt in to be a casual acquaintance...I think that was her. At this point, she ghosted me even though I wanted to be friends.

Cancer aside...I don't think women can be friends with men...esp. if they were on a dating site...I mean, I'd hear how some women would say in their profiles "If it isn't a match, you can never have too many friends". I think they are fooling themselves there.

I have attempted to go along with this philosophy, depending on the woman, but usually they don't want you in their life in any capacity. When they say this, it's just fluff...a "letting you down easy" type of thing.

Even as friends...sometimes I'd get a unique female friend out of it, like the one I hang out with now...but that's a rarity.

Women can be friends with guys. One of my best friends is male and we have been friends for two years and been indoor bouldering, visited a harbour arts festival, played tennis a couple times, to a farm open day, to St Andrews, to a yatch club open day, a flower and food show. A very interesting part of my social network and he's a wealth of knowledge and sound advice.