I am sorry you are going through this. To help us understand a bit I am going to ask a few questions. It helps if we understand the situation a bit better.
My husband is a very outgoing person, very loving and affectionate and has led people to Christ. He is a very good counselor as well. However, whenever I want to talk about our marriage problems he avoids it. He has told me that he fears if we do talk it will lead to us splitting up.
Did he ever allude to why it would lead to that? Most people would think that if you talk through problems you might solve some. Do you ever wind up yelling or fighting over problems? Does he seem to discuss things with other people (family members of his or yours, or friends?)
I support him financially and have been for a very long time. He is a very talented man and in the beginning I was optimistic about supporting him but that has all changed. He is very limited in ways that he gets derailed quickly and has a lot of excuses why he hasn't completed anything he has worked on in the last 7 years or so.
What kind of things has he been working on? His own business? Jobs?
When he has worked part time it just takes over his life and there isn't much time to do anything else.
Please explain. Do you mean he mentally dwells on it? If it is part time he wouldn't be gone that much. Or is it a scheduling issue where you don't see each other?
He spent a whole paycheck on giving a large groups of kids some toys yet I don't have a wedding ring yet (I don't require one but it makes me feel sad that I don't).
You do need one, or else it would not be hurting you. It is OK to feel that way. You are not being greedy, but you are noting that he is choosing other things over you. Giving toys to children is a good thing. But you generally give to charity after you have supported yourself and your family. You should both have a wedding ring. Even if it is one of the affordable ones from Walmart, just so that folks know you are married. Does he have a ring?
He is also a perfectionist which can be good and bad. I am good at getting things done but he doesn't let me in to help him. He will let me pay the bills for everything but not be involved in the work and control any aspect of it, which I feel he needs. At times I get really frustrated because I have to take care of everything regarding finances, the household and his life. I feel like his mother sometimes. He pretty much gets to do whatever he wants and I don't require much of him. I don't know of any woman who would be ok with this arrangement without results.
What kind of things does he do with his time? Does he do any housework at all? Any cooking? Do you have any children?
He keeps referring to the people he has helped bring to Christ but right now there are only 2 people that he studies with and its not taking up a large part of his time. He says that can change at any moment and has big plans but he never thinks about the things to get him from point A to point B.
Is he wanting to be in some kind of counseling or ministry field? In any case the Scriptures speak to this issue:
2 Thessalonians 3:6 But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us. 7 For you yourselves know how you ought to follow us, for we were not disorderly among you; 8 nor did we eat anyone’s bread free of charge, but worked with labor and toil night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, 9 not because we do not have authority, but to make ourselves an example of how you should follow us. 10 For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. 11 For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. 12 Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread.
Paul preached to many people, but he also worked.
In the context of providing support for needy widows Paul also stated:
I Timothy 3:8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
There are exceptions if he cannot physically or mentally work due to disability. But you are right to expect him to work if he can. And if he is going to do ministry he can do it in the time after he works. And in many cases, you have opportunity to speak to the people you work with as you develop relationships with them.
He feels like I am against him when I bring up all those things that he doesn't think about that have to get done in order to get where he wants to be. When I go to talk to him about these things he gets very defensive and repeatedly says I will only love him if he makes money.
This is where folks were wondering if this is manipulation. It is not a question of only loving him if he makes money. If he loves you he would want to help out with the finances. On the other hand, if you make plenty of money and you do not need the money he would provide, then he should be taking on the majority of the work at home so you do not have to do both. Either arrangement has worked for families. But you are correct that it is not reasonable to expect he would do nothing to help the family. If he is avoiding talking about it because he knows he would be called on his doing nothing, that is likely explaining why he won't deal with it.
Does he show signs of depression? Does he go do activities other than work or housework?
If he is legitimately trying to find work and the job market is bad, etc. and he cannot, that is one thing. But if he refuses to work outside of the home or inside and does not help you with any of the burden, that is not being fair.
This upsets me so much because I've supported him for so long and never asked for anything in return. I told him that I feel that my support is not helping him and that something has to change. He takes that to mean that I want to split up which I never bring up.
Do you go to a church? Is the pastor aware of this state of things? Do any of your family or his family ask him why he is not working? If so, how does he respond to them?
He will tell me that I would be happier if I didn't have the burden of him in my life.
This is another statement that suggests possible manipulation. Or depression. Which do you think is more likely?
The fact is that he is a big burden and I acknowledge that but, again, it always leads to splitting up over him offering any solution, compromise or talking about these things with a goal of resolution.
Possibly because he likes the way things are and doesn't want to have to work. If he talked about it he would have to acknowledge that he is not carrying his weight, and that it is a reasonable expectation for him to either work outside the home and bring in income, or take on more at home.
I almost think he wants to split up but the only reason he doesn't is because he would be homeless if I didn't support him.
Or he knows that talk of splitting up will engage your kinder feelings, as well as result in you thinking that it is way too drastic of a solution. Therefore you reject that option. He likely does not want to split up. He may be depressed. Or he may want things to go on exactly as they are because he benefits from you doing everything.
