Desparately losing faith

[sookhedo]

I believed in my early 30s that God wanted me single. It crushed me, but having been through painful relationship breakups, i had to go with it and trust God.
In the decade that followed, i gave up relationships believing God had a bigger and better plan for me, some relationships that everyone around knew were right for me, but i still didnt pursue them.

Its now not long until i hit 50, and nothing happened, nothing to show for my singleness, and i've slowly lost faith in God to either help or even to speak to me about it. I feel abandoned, and that if I got it wrong those years ago, or not, God has given up helping me and I'm left old, alone and useless.

I grew up in a faith church, so i believed that God was always good enough, faithful enough, loving enough to help anyone who asked. Now, i've got nowhere to go with my belief. I've always just wanted a win-win, for God to show himself as my provider, to be the restorer of things lost. I always wanted to keep my faith, and i feel God has decided my faith was disposable. All i wanted was to see Him vindicated in my life, when others including a previous pastor, mocked me for believing in a God that works miracles today. My ex pastor told me to look at my life, and say that God always responds to faith - we were discussing healing by faith. I hate it that he is the one who will come out right.

Now my choices are much more limited, and worse, I dont know how to trust God. I started praying the other day for something quite small and it hit me that why would God be so interested in something trivial, when the biggest problem is left unanswered.

My choice to keep on believing and waiting, maybe for another 10 years, is unthinkable now.

Or if i just go out and settle for anyone, then i've lost nearly 20 years of meaningless pain, and lost my faith and trust in God. I cant win unless God answers my prayers.

I have an anti-testimony, and i have no idea how to trust God anymore. I wish I had never believed in any of this now.

Can anyone help me go forward.

 

[Take Heart]

Hello brother.. I'm sorry about the pain and hurt you are feeling.. I, too, am choosing the single life right now in my college years.
Right now.. God understands your pain and frustrations. He, too, felt abandoned by His very own creation..the beautiful human beings He created when He was walking to Golgotha up to the hill where He would be crucified. Jesus Himself felt abandoned by God at the cross.. like why would you take me on this painful journey.. only to abandon me at my greatest hour of need?
But remember what happened next? God delivered Jesus from death.. and literally rose Him up again so that His pain and suffering.. would be for the betterment and goodness of all of us. For Him to sacrifice such a comfortable kingly life on earth in order that we might have a closer relationship with Him and be free from all suffering, sin, guilt, and regret..and so much pain?..that's mindblowing. Like..are you serious? Why would You even do something like that for someone like..me?

It's because He loves you and I so much, brother. And when I say 'free from all suffering, guilt, and regret', I'm not talking about physical suffering.. but spiritual, emotional, and mental suffering that He longs to free us from. I feel as if there's a lot of anger and unforgiveness in your heart towards Him on how He could let you go through all those years. If I may.. when you mentioned about '20 years of meaningless pain', are you referring to have wanted to be in a relationship with someone?

Free-will is such a gift from God. I do not think that God would force you to be single. Personally.. I don't like to enter into relationships of that nature because of all the bad relationships I've been in the past.. much like you, it's the biggest thing that's kept me from pursuing such a relationship with the opposite sex. I think if you allow yourself.. you'll soon find that you don't have to settle for just anyone. You can start again, even at your age-which isn't old at all and have a fruitful life with someone at your side. Not saying that you can't have a fruitful life being single- which is something I've chosen to do awhile now.

I encourage you, brother.. please open your heart again to Him. He is faithful..even in this cold, dark world where things just happen to us. But God is faithful in bringing all things to good for those who love Him. And He loves you very, very much. He also doesn't want you to suffer by keeping things locked in your heart. Anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness can be a terrible prison, as I've experienced. I have held a longgggg grudge against many people, but as soon as I opened up my heart once more to Him and prayed for His help to heal my heart and to soften it to others, He helped me to forgive and heal..which didn't happen overnight, due to my holding on to the grudge and hurt that I felt so deeply.
Imagine holding onto a burning coal in your hand with your fingers tightly closed around it. Imagine that as time progresses, your hand begins to burn and pain is shooting up your arm and you know all it would take is for you to let that coal go and allow Someone to come to your aid and begin healing the damage that that coal has inflicted on you. The same with anger and unforgiveness. It has consumed me in the past.. to the point that the damage that was really taking place..was within myself and not to the person that I intended the damage to be inflicted on.

Please don't give up on our Heavenly Father.. I know it can seem like He's let you down a lot.. but through my experiences of those same thoughts..I've found that He has been patiently waiting for me to come into His arms so that He can heal and free me from all the turmoil inside. I've also found that He experiences emotions just like us..and is hurt when He sees us in such a state. I know that most times..we want God to fix things, especially in our own way..

You are of great value, brother..not only to others, but to God too, don't you see?
When our Heavenly Father made a world in which He gave us free will to choose the path we follow, He had limited Himself. He needs us to help Him keep the world on track, to heal it- to heal the hearts and hurts of others..to bring them to Jesus the ultimate Healer and perfector of our faith. If He interferes, He takes away our free choice except..perhaps when a miracle occurs, the world goes on as it normally would.

I'm sorry for the long message. I hope it helps somehow. And I don't think that you posted this by mistake. I think that God was helping you to seek answers. I also feel as if you don't want to give up on your faith entirely..because there's a measure of faith in you that you're clinging to..and please don't let go of it completely. Nurture that faith with His Word. Please know that He truly does want to help, but you must open your heart up once again for Him to come in and heal your pain.

Love you bro. You're not alone in this walk, so please don't push others out or more importantly, please don't push Him further at a distance. He is always by our side within reach and is just a prayer away and even sends out spiritual family members to help. I firmly believe that He wants a deeper and closer relationship with you.. but you have to let Him in again : ) -hugs-

 

[Thir7ySev3n]

First of all, you can take some measure of comfort in knowing that any spirit that forbids you to marry is not of God. Heed this warning and, in your case, encouragement from Paul concerning the matter:

"The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth." (1 Timothy 4:1-3)

So any person or spirit who testifies that you ought to remain unmarried is not of God and is to be disregarded as literally demonic or at best spiritually ignorant if it is an authentic Christian who has been deceived by this lie. Even in the Nazarite vow (Numbers 6), the most restrictive vow of dedication that is Scripturally grounded that can be made toward God, celibacy was not required. God has never denounced the value of marriage or sexual union in the marital context.

You have been deceived, and unfortunately I am all to familiar with how unhelpful a majority of Christians are on holy, Scriptural sexual education. I myself suffered with this issue for a long time as a teenager, when my hormones were raging and I was strongly compelled to seek a marriage-bound relationship. I only sought encouragement a few times before I discontinued going to the church because I was fully aware of their ignorance, and especially disappointed as I mostly consulted leaders, who should be exceptionally informed. I am sure you have heard the common responses that, "God should be enough for you", or "Let God be your spouse", or that "You only feel void because of sin (either in the world or in yourself)." These are all lies, and Scripturally denounced.

Notice the context of Genesis 2, in response to anyone who may have ever discouraged you for your God-given human need because of a "sin causes the emptiness" or "God should be enough for you" sort of arguments. It was an absolutely sinless world, both personally for Adam and in terms of the natural order. There was no evil, withering or destruction of any kind. Even better, it was not Adam who declared it was not good for Him to be alone, but God. God is present with Adam, as we see by His interactions with him in the sinless context of Genesis 2. Yet God Himself considers Adam to be alone and declares that this is not good. So in response He creates Eve to be the one that can satisfy this loneliness that God created him with in absence of his spouse. He did not give Adam a friend, a parent, a child or a sibling. He gave him his spouse, and that was by God's creative decree of human nature and the need for satisfaction in sexual union, or the knowing of the other (the original text of Scripture refers to lying with sexually as knowing, saying that Adam knew his wife) which glorifies God and reflects His image.

I don't know what kind of counsel you have been getting, but it clearly isn't any good one as anything contrary to Scripture does not belong in Christian counsel of any kind. I also don't know what to tell you about your circumstance personally as I am not familiar enough with you or your life to give you any grounded input as to the reasons you have been allowed to suffer as you have. Sometimes it is personal sin, sometimes it is the sin of others, sometimes it is ignorance and other times it is God testing or disciplining. I will not ignorantly lead you to favour assent to one of these possibilities over the other. All I can do is tell you to stop wasting time believing a demonic lie and, with the freedom you have been given in Christ, pursue a Godly Christian woman whom God has given you in your heart to desire. It is holy, pure and to be received with thanksgiving in marriage (1 Timothy 4:3). I would also advise that you do not let anyone convince you that being partly motivated by desire for sexual fulfillment is erroneous, which would be an unscriptural claim, as Paul declares "it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9)."

Remember this in conclusion, that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)." All things God works for the good of those who love Him, including this horrendous thing you have suffered, but need not be burdened with any longer. But do not be discouraged and forfeit what you have in Christ, which is literally an infinitely greater loss. As Jesus said, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul (Mark 8:36)?"

"I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown (Revelations 3:11)."

 

[Take Heart]

 

[vinsight4u]

/

 

[John Davidson]

Hi sookhedo,
I am in a similar situation. I was married in my twenties but divorced. Now I am nearly 40 and have been single for ten years.

The truth is that it may be God's plan for you to remain single. If God has a wife for you then he will bring her to you.

The scriptures say that as many as live by the spirit of God these are the sons of God. So walk in the spirit and God may present you with an open door for a relationship.

Don't force it though, allow God to bring the right mate to you if it is his will.

Remember God brought Eve to Adam when he was sleeping.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

I believed in my early 30s that God wanted me single. It crushed me, but having been through painful relationship breakups, i had to go with it and trust God.
In the decade that followed, i gave up relationships believing God had a bigger and better plan for me, some relationships that everyone around knew were right for me, but i still didnt pursue them.

Its now not long until i hit 50, and nothing happened, nothing to show for my singleness, and i've slowly lost faith in God to either help or even to speak to me about it. I feel abandoned, and that if I got it wrong those years ago, or not, God has given up helping me and I'm left old, alone and useless.

I grew up in a faith church, so i believed that God was always good enough, faithful enough, loving enough to help anyone who asked. Now, i've got nowhere to go with my belief. I've always just wanted a win-win, for God to show himself as my provider, to be the restorer of things lost. I always wanted to keep my faith, and i feel God has decided my faith was disposable. All i wanted was to see Him vindicated in my life, when others including a previous pastor, mocked me for believing in a God that works miracles today. My ex pastor told me to look at my life, and say that God always responds to faith - we were discussing healing by faith. I hate it that he is the one who will come out right.

Now my choices are much more limited, and worse, I dont know how to trust God. I started praying the other day for something quite small and it hit me that why would God be so interested in something trivial, when the biggest problem is left unanswered.

My choice to keep on believing and waiting, maybe for another 10 years, is unthinkable now.

Or if i just go out and settle for anyone, then i've lost nearly 20 years of meaningless pain, and lost my faith and trust in God. I cant win unless God answers my prayers.

I have an anti-testimony, and i have no idea how to trust God anymore. I wish I had never believed in any of this now.

Can anyone help me go forward.

1Ch 2:21 KJV
(21) And afterward Hezron went in to the daughter of Machir the father of Gilead, whom he married when he was threescore years old; and she bare him Segub.

Gen 17:1-17 KJV
(1) And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.
(2) And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.
(3) And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,
(4) As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.
(5) Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.
(6) And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.
(7) And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.
(8) And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.
(9) And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.
(10) This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.
(11) And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.
(12) And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.
(13) He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.
(14) And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.
(15) And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.
(16) And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.
(17) Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

Gen 18:10-14 KJV
(10) And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.
(11) Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.
(12) Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
(13) And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?
(14) Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

faith believes until the thing believed for is seen; but even Abraham had moments of weakness; pick up your faith again the way he did Brother - don't put a time limit on God

 

[sookhedo]

Hello brother.. I'm sorry about the pain and hurt you are feeling.. I, too, am choosing the single life right now in my college years.
Right now.. God understands your pain and frustrations. He, too, felt abandoned by His very own creation..the beautiful human beings He created when He was walking to Golgotha up to the hill where He would be crucified. Jesus Himself felt abandoned by God at the cross.. like why would you take me on this painful journey.. only to abandon me at my greatest hour of need?
But remember what happened next? God delivered Jesus from death.. and literally rose Him up again so that His pain and suffering.. would be for the betterment and goodness of all of us. For Him to sacrifice such a comfortable kingly life on earth in order that we might have a closer relationship with Him and be free from all suffering, sin, guilt, and regret..and so much pain?..that's mindblowing. Like..are you serious? Why would You even do something like that for someone like..me?

thanks Spirit Reborn, its kind of you to be so sensitive and remind me of what Jesus did. I feel like I'm grieving right now, and
trying to work out what i believe and to separate christian culture from the words of the Bible.

i can see myself go to a church that's more conservative in its beliefs, so much hype about what belief will bring you in so many churches, i have to change the words i'm singing to be honest for some of them.

i guess i need time to work out what i believe about God, and i feel i'd rather know nothing and not be offended or offensive to God. Yes, i must have been deceived by the enemy, its not the first time i've thought that, and i've asked God so many times to show me if i'm wrong. i wonder if there's some books out there for people who are dealing with this?

 

[sookhedo]

1Ch 2:21 KJV
(21) And afterward Hezron went in to the daughter of Machir the father of Gilead, whom he married when he was threescore years old; and she bare him Segub.

faith believes until the thing believed for is seen; but even Abraham had moments of weakness; pick up your faith again the way he did Brother - don't put a time limit on God

aren't some things just time dependent though? i wont wait for God to do what i can and should do myself.

 

[sookhedo]

Hi sookhedo,
I am in a similar situation. I was married in my twenties but divorced. Now I am nearly 40 and have been single for ten years.

The truth is that it may be God's plan for you to remain single. If God has a wife for you then he will bring her to you.

The scriptures say that as many as live by the spirit of God these are the sons of God. So walk in the spirit and God may present you with an open door for a relationship.

Don't force it though, allow God to bring the right mate to you if it is his will.

Remember God brought Eve to Adam when he was sleeping.

i appreciate your posting, but i believe this kind of passivity is in part what caused my life to be so messed up.

 

[Take Heart]

thanks Spirit Reborn, its kind of you to be so sensitive and remind me of what Jesus did. I feel like I'm grieving right now, and
trying to work out what i believe and to separate christian culture from the words of the Bible.

i can see myself go to a church that's more conservative in its beliefs, so much hype about what belief will bring you in so many churches, i have to change the words i'm singing to be honest for some of them.

i guess i need time to work out what i believe about God, and i feel i'd rather know nothing and not be offended or offensive to God. Yes, i must have been deceived by the enemy, its not the first time i've thought that, and i've asked God so many times to show me if i'm wrong. i wonder if there's some books out there for people who are dealing with this?

-big hugs-
let it all out..grief and tears are a beautiful thing and it can help wash away some of the hurt inside whenever it becomes too much for us to handle. I'm not quite sure of any books that specifically deal with what you're going through.. but there is a book series that I'm reading by Henry K. Ripplinger. It's the Angelic letters series.. there are some stuff in it that I don't personally believe in.. but the teaching aspect of it intertwined with a fictionalish story.. makes the Scriptures come to life in it. I highly recommend it It's quite..therapeutic in nature when I'm reading it. It goes through all of life's struggles and how one can deal with it using scripture for support. And basically.. it's a story of all these characters with scripture woven in their lives as they go through the milestones in their life which is quite relatable to anyone reading, I must say.

Also, perhaps you're interested in some of my older blog posts about perseverance and other things that I've written on here they have helped me during some really dark times and I hope they can provide a bit of comfort and help for you too. Truth be told.. I'm attacked by the enemy every single day, but that's something all of us brothers and sisters in Christ have to deal with. It's been a constant struggle and war for our soul. I admit that I get distracted with a lot of things that the enemy uses against me. I think the biggest distraction for most of us is our thoughts. If we can push away the intrusive negative thoughts and lies of the enemy and replace them with God's truth.. I guarantee you, brother, that we will slowly realize how God will work through and in our lives the less distracted we are.

 

[John Davidson]

i appreciate your posting, but i believe this kind of passivity is in part what caused my life to be so messed up.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you can't be active about searching for a mate. Go ahead and join dating sites if you want to. I have an ad on Craigslist right now titled "Seeking Christian Woman".

You can be active about your search but at the same time remain open to God's spirit and his leading. Maybe you will meet a woman and the Holy Spirit will say "no, this isn't the one for you". Maybe eventually you will meet a match made in heaven.

Just try not to be disappointed if it is God's will for you to remain single for awhile.

 

[paul1149]

I believed in my early 30s that God wanted me single. It crushed me, but having been through painful relationship breakups, i had to go with it and trust God.

I don't have any problem with that. If that's what you honestly felt, then that's good. The fact that you had had painful breakups may have pointed to the need to take time off and get the fundamentals settled.

In the decade that followed, i gave up relationships believing God had a bigger and better plan for me, some relationships that everyone around knew were right for me, but i still didnt pursue them.

This I'm not sure of. Maybe the reasons why you passed on good possibilities should be examined. The essence of finding God's will when you are not sure is willingness. And sometimes we just don't know until we test the waters to a safe extent and see how they are.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Hi brother, first welcome to CF! I hope you find friendship here and like you are doing, others to talk to.

I went through something similar, but not about a mate. I thought God would heal me of an illness. I prayed and prayed about it and waited, not always so patiently for God to heal me, but it didn't happen. Now it did cause me a bit of problem with faith for a while, but then I realized that when we put our faith and say, like the Lord's Prayer says "thy will be done" that our will may not always be His will.

Now do not take that as I don't want to be there for you brother, because I feel your pain. I went through a very hard time with it and it is not easy, not easy at all. I wil pray for you brother and ask others for prayer too. There is an entire section of this forum for prayer requests, use it. Try to get out as much as you can. Yes, you are older now, but it is never to late. Never. What you need to do is do your best to find someone. Maybe you thought God was telling you something and He might not have been. I don't know and I can't say for sure, but what I do know is that you have plenty of life left and it's never to late.

Bless you.

 

[ScottA]

I believed in my early 30s that God wanted me single. It crushed me, but having been through painful relationship breakups, i had to go with it and trust God.
In the decade that followed, i gave up relationships believing God had a bigger and better plan for me, some relationships that everyone around knew were right for me, but i still didnt pursue them.

Its now not long until i hit 50, and nothing happened, nothing to show for my singleness, and i've slowly lost faith in God to either help or even to speak to me about it. I feel abandoned, and that if I got it wrong those years ago, or not, God has given up helping me and I'm left old, alone and useless.

I grew up in a faith church, so i believed that God was always good enough, faithful enough, loving enough to help anyone who asked. Now, i've got nowhere to go with my belief. I've always just wanted a win-win, for God to show himself as my provider, to be the restorer of things lost. I always wanted to keep my faith, and i feel God has decided my faith was disposable. All i wanted was to see Him vindicated in my life, when others including a previous pastor, mocked me for believing in a God that works miracles today. My ex pastor told me to look at my life, and say that God always responds to faith - we were discussing healing by faith. I hate it that he is the one who will come out right.

Now my choices are much more limited, and worse, I dont know how to trust God. I started praying the other day for something quite small and it hit me that why would God be so interested in something trivial, when the biggest problem is left unanswered.

My choice to keep on believing and waiting, maybe for another 10 years, is unthinkable now.

Or if i just go out and settle for anyone, then i've lost nearly 20 years of meaningless pain, and lost my faith and trust in God. I cant win unless God answers my prayers.

I have an anti-testimony, and i have no idea how to trust God anymore. I wish I had never believed in any of this now.

Can anyone help me go forward.

Why are you living? Is not your whole lifetime a gift from God, with the main purpose being your salvation? Why then would you give up on yourself? You are not here to receive again what you have already been given - for crying out loud - praise His name...for He has already delivered!

 

[Sketcher]

What do you mean by "nothing happened, to show for [your] singleness?" Who did you meet? Who did you advise? Who did you help? What did you learn? Who did you pray for? I'm having a hard time believing that for 20 years of holding onto faith that you're getting goose eggs in all these categories.

 

[ClothedInGrace]

Marriage can't satisfy you--only God can. I know you are lonely and want a helper but God is all the help you need. Don't worry friend, whether God wants you married or not you still have the greatest gift of all in Jesus Christ. I'd rather live my life sad waiting on God than happy seeking things for myself; isn't that the attitude that pushed you through those twenty years of your life? Are you going to give up after twenty years of faithful waiting? Are you going to be like Abraham and seek a Hagar? Wait for Him! You may laugh now but next thing you know you'll have a little Issac running around.

So, are you going to wait, or give up? Maybe Jesus will be back soon; do you want Him to catch you in faith or rebellion?

 

[John Davidson]

Are you going to be like Abraham and seek a Hagar?

Very wise counsel.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

aren't some things just time dependent though? i wont wait for God to do what i can and should do myself.

Jer_10:23 O LORD, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.

Psa 37:23 KJV
(23) The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

Gen 15:1-6 KJV
(1) After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward.
(2) And Abram said, Lord GOD, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?
(3) And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir.
(4) And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.
(5) And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be.
(6) And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness.

Gen 16:1-2 KJV
(1) Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.
(2) And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.

all things are time-dependent; but we aren't smart enough to know the time outside of God's leading. years ago, you perceived God's leading to wait, has He changed?

Psa 37:3-7 KJV
(3) Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
(4) Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
(5) Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
(6) And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
(7) Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

even if you missed God's leading years ago, has God changed this desire of your heart?

yes, it will be you that acts to find your wife - either according to His leading or according to some other leading - could it be that the enemy knows that you're getting close to God's appointed time, and is trying to rush you into the wrong choice out of desperation? if you yield to pressure and choose wrong, will this choice help you or hurt you? will it be better to be married to the wrong woman, or to be single? don't be led by pressure - be led by peace; you don't need a leading NOT to act, you need a leading TO act

 

[sookhedo]

Very wise counsel.

very easy to say, try waiting for decades for something that is never a direct promise in the Bible when you have the ability
to do it natures way, and the way God uses for the 99.99%