Desire to marry one day; need advice on a serious concern of mine

[Ivan777]

Hello, my name is Ivan; I'm a 21 year old male. I'm new to the forums so if this is the wrong place or I format wrong or something please let me know!

I signed up to this forum because I need advice from other Christians about a sensitive matter.

I have a strong desire to marry, and one day I hope to have that relationship with a loving Christian woman. But there is one thing that holds me back from seeking relationships: I feel VERY little physical pleasure. I know this sounds strange, and I won't go into details, but one time when I was 17 or so I was tempted and masturbated once, but it was not gratifying and I felt very little pleasure. My whole life, even to this day, I have never felt that much pleasure 'down there'. I have been to the doctor before, and everything showed up fine. On top of this, during the last few months I have developed some unknown condition in which that has rendered me partially impotent (I'm seeing my urologist next month, all I can do is pray it is nothing serious/permanent). On one hand, I'm thankful I don't struggle with masturbation because of this, but on the other hand this worries me greatly.

This worries me greatly, because an important component of marriage is physical intimacy expressed through sexual relations, which God designed. However, if I were to marry, when I would be intimate with my wife the pleasure would be very one sided. I will absolutely find pleasure and joy in serving her in that area, but I fear disappointing her if she tries to serve me. I know sex isn't everything/the main point of marriage, but it IS a crucial, unique part of it. The disappointment, hardship, and frustration that I would bring in physical intimacy aspect of my future marriage keeps me from dating, yet I have a strong passion to marry one day. Am I allowed and able to seek marriage, even with this sexual dysfunction? Would I be able to bring my future wife joy in the physical/emotional intimacy of our marriage, or would my problems be too much of a detriment? If it is okay for me to seek marriage, at what point in a relationship, and how, do I let a girl know about this problem? I don't want to not tell her and then disappoint her on our wedding day, leaving her with a life of unfulfilling and frustrating intimacy.

Thank you for taking your time to answer. I'm sorry if this was too graphic, I'll modify the post if it is. I just really need advice because I don't know what to do. I feel like I wasn't designed to feel and experience physical intimacy :/.

 

[sundewgrower]

I would realize we all have something to deal with. If in fact there's a medical deal and it's a disclosure--then that's how it is. It doesn't mean you cannot make things work and it's impossible...

I've had two chances for "things" to happen and I didn't go through (I refused my ex, and I left a friend of mine alone--most guys would think I'm an idiot)--most men would have "gone for it" but I just didn't. With my current fiance I'm hands off and well behaved compared to most... When I was younger I had my struggles and now--I'm pretty cold so I understand where you're coming from to a degree...

I'd work on the medical stuff for now and not worry. God knows what he's doing, and if that doesn't improve--it doesn't mean you can't make it work, and everyone is different. I was made cold because my better half isn't (her mom is the same she tells me) and this is in spite of us having 0 experience before--till we're married.

For you--match yourself to somebody so they work well with you. It'll be a topic once you're seriously dating or in a relationship. No need to "test drive" or get into trouble (Biblically it's wrong and honestly it's a bad idea). Examine your diet and hormone levels--work that health stuff out, and then go from there. Plenty women find that stuff not so interesting, and if you're that way a year or two after treatment or "working" on this situation medically then don't worry--there's are some who will work with your situation.

Pick your situation or somebody else's problem--we all have issues and God will bring the best out of us through such challenges.

 

[com7fy8]

I don't want to not tell her and then disappoint her on our wedding day, leaving her with a life of unfulfilling and frustrating intimacy.

Well, I am not sure this would be an appropriate subject, while talking with a Christian lady. And it could steer attention away from what is much more important.

But I think you could get to know a lady for some time, without getting overly involved, then get a sense of who she is for you and if you need to talk with her. Make sure she is mature for this, and wise for handling very sensitive matters. If you find you trust the lady, you can ask her permission to talk about something very personal, and you can first talk with certain men you trust.

It is possible that if you get to relating with a Christian woman, she might bring up very sensitive things which will be a much bigger concern, than how much pleasure you get during intimacy.

And even if you find you are sharing with a real and sound Jesus lady, this does not mean she is for you to marry, or that you need to bring up pleasure issues.

Read your Bible, see what the priorities are.

And it is good of you to care about what a lady feels. But there are a lot more things which ladies are concerned about, than your one thing . . . to my knowledge. So, enjoy getting to know different Christian sisters, and be ready with caring and compassion.

 

[Cearbhall]

Well, I am not sure this would be an appropriate subject, while talking with a Christian lady.

It would be much less appropriate to not tell her.

 

[Servant68]

Well, I am not sure this would be an appropriate subject, while talking with a Christian lady. And it could steer attention away from what is much more important.

But I think you could get to know a lady for some time, without getting overly involved, then get a sense of who she is for you and if you need to talk with her. Make sure she is mature for this, and wise for handling very sensitive matters. If you find you trust the lady, you can ask her permission to talk about something very personal, and you can first talk with certain men you trust.

It is possible that if you get to relating with a Christian woman, she might bring up very sensitive things which will be a much bigger concern, than how much pleasure you get during intimacy.

I think the bolded part is the best response. I would not judge a Christian woman for discussing "sensitive" things by the third or fourth date. If she brings up a certain proclivity for non-conventional activities (gosh it's hard to use appropriate and sensitive language here...lol) that are alarming, then, yeah...

But we are all human and a lot of Christians vary in the chastity before marriage outlook. They vary on the level of activity before marriage and what is appropriate. Discussing such things before the relationship gets too serious is healthy.

If I was dating a Christian woman who never wanted physical touch or intimacy, then I would be very concerned. I was married to a woman for 20 years who didn't want to be touched or held. 20 years...

 

[.Mikha'el.]

ON!

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