depression is killing me

[Mandahuff]

Thanks for the comments. Thanks for caring

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

Thanks for the comments. Thanks for caring

did i help?...

 

[Mandahuff]

did i help?...

Yes every comment on here helps..

 

[Mandahuff]

You are definitely not alone. Big sufferer here too. Anxiety also.

The way you feel is how i feel. And others too on this forum.

Look, offer up your sufferings to God. Lay them at His feet. God loves you so much. Its the devil that wants you to harm yourself or move away from God. Dont let him win! However hard it gets, keep turning to God. Again and again.

I have lost countless battles with evil but the devil will NEVER win the war!

Jesus is my rock. Get up, dust yourself off and continue towards Jesus. Trust in Him. You are loved.

God bless and protect you.

So hard trying though. I’m sometimes so unsure if God loves me the same he loves others.

 

[Mandahuff]

hi Mandahuff...i'll be here for you...if you wanna talk...we can...mandahuff...like yourself...don't corrupt yourself with corruption and try not to hurt yourself...life always has hope as long as there is life...i support you...i will never pull you down...don't blame yourself...just do your best...i'm not christian but if god will help...then pray to Him...do not only see the threat of the dark world we live in today but instead emerge with comfortability...take wisdom in these dark times...but don't go look for dark and corrupted things out there...for it is only bad...don't just live for the sake of living only...side approach things with strategy if you want...not every loss teaches you something so be careful if you'd like...life is up to you...and i'm here...find your path with harmony as your foundation before anything else as you live your life...there are plenty of comfortable things out there and solutions...just go with what sings to you...care about yourself...i hope you find sanctuary in what sings to you...there is a lot of betrayal out there...watch for it if you want...i advise you to...love exists and no one is alone...but for now, i'm with you...if you found your identity...keep it...when something comes to you in life...and you're not ready for it you think...don't just meet it head on unless you know you're ready for the most part of things in life i would say...discovering things about yourself and other things in life is good but there is no shame in asking for help...

Thank you for your comment. Trying hard to pull myself up.

 

[Mandahuff]

I've been there. On more than one occasion I was so depressed and lonely I was actually searching my house for something sharp to cut my arm with. Just a way to let out all the anger and grief that was pent up inside... For some reason it never happened, and I thank God it didn't.

In the past, I would start throwing things in the trash that I actually loved or had good memories associated with them. It just all seemed artificial. Like that special gift a friend gave me (a friend who no longer stayed in touch and didn't even seem to remember I existed) had changed form being a treasured gift to a source of mockery - reminding me continually of disloyalty and self-centeredness. So I'd grab that thing of my shelf and throw it in the garbage, which would give a temporary sense of revenge. Yet, a day or two later I would sorely regret it as it was the only thing I had to remember that person by and, in reality, they were a very caring person and life just pulled us apart for some reason.

When I was in college, the week before I graduated I knew I was about to be separated from a lot of people I loved. It had become my home and my fellow students were like family. Yet, having chosen to forego social media, I knew I'd very likely never hear from most of them again the moment I was handed my diploma... And that hurt deeply. So I began going through my whole dorm room throwing all kinds of things away - throwing school supplies at the floor and smashing them, throwing out favorite clothing, tearing up photos of friends, ripping the posters off my walls and crumpling them... It wasn't good. It was actually a sinful way to act and I let my anger get the best of me very badly. I still miss my track jacket... I haven't seen another like it yet.

Anyway, all this to say I do understand how you feel. Depression is a tricky and confusing thing. It isn't all about self-centerdness because even when you're out helping others you can still feel alone and abandoned. Some of my loneliest moments as a teenager were helping make shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child while in youth group. Somehow, all the youth ended up in the pastor's office watching a movie. Except me. Apparently I was too intent on picking out a teddy bear for my box or something... Suddenly I realized the room was empty. Just me and a pile of unfinished boxes and a table full of toys. Even the youth pastor was gone. I felt so rejected, I just found my parents and asked to go home.

Again, while in college, I was out with a group of people in the city. We were all good companions - a mix of guys and girls. We went ice skating together (in the rain!) which was some great memories and then got back on a train to return to campus. While on the train my mind was wandering and I was completely oblivious that we had reached our stop and everyone else was getting off. Just as the doors were closing I realized and ran over, but it was too late. I watched my friends all walking away down the platform as the train pulled out of the station. Not one of them noticed I was missing. I got off at the next stop, sat there for about an hour waiting for the next train and then finally got back to campus. I walked into my dorm room and my roommate, who was part of our group, asked if I was at the library. That kind of hurt. But the fact that no one girl noticed I was missing either, might have hurt even more.

Well, I feel like I'm being more depressing than anything! Hahaha So... the point.

There are times like this in life when it seems like you could die and no one would even notice (that's a lie straight from Satan, by the way). And then there are times where you feel overwhelmed by the love and concern of others. You suddenly make a great friend who truly takes an interest in you and cares about your well-being and you enjoy that while it lasts. The relationship may not last forever, but if God could answer that prayer once He can certainly do it again.

Instead of letting your depression overwhelm you, consider the fact that it may be Satan's goal that you do end your life because He knows God will use you in amazing ways! Satan doesn't want that. Don't let him have his way. Cling to God and His promise to never leave us or forsake us and have faith that He will use your struggles for His glory.

For myself, I resorted to writing music to express my pain. Some of that music has touched others deeply and been a tool of healing in God's hands.

Don't give up! There's more to see.

Yes I feel the same. Constant rejection at every turn. I don’t know why no one wants me around. My heart hurts so much. Thank you for sharing your story

 

[Mandahuff]

I care about you and I don’t even know you. You have a group of ppl on here that absolutely love you and want to help you with your problems including me. I suffer from depression also been battling it for 18 years. I admit there are times that are hard but you got to put the bad days aside and move on till tomorrow b/c for me the next day
Gets better for me. I can’t imagine not having a support group but I’ll help you out I’m always here if you need me. I will keep you in my prayers and know you got a friend in me that cares about you.

Thank you. No one seems to understand. I get accused of being selfish. I’m trying really hard not to be.

 

[Mandahuff]

Be the person you are waiting for others to become.
Help others first.

I honestly can’t even find the energy right now.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Thanks for replies. Trying to figure out how to make it through work today. I posted in a pretty desperate state of mind. Just tried of feeling alone and I’m weird and can’t really make friends I’m very socially awkward. I don’t really know what purpose I have. Yeah I can’t even connect with others how can I focus on them. Would love to focus on anything but this right now. I look around me and see everyone has a support system or friends who care about them. I don’t get what’s wrong with me. There is definitely something wrong with me. Trust me if you knew me you would understand. Thanks for trying to help me feel better.

You are not alone. This is my personality exactly. Here is what has helped me.

I have stopped trying to squeeze my personality into the box that others' seem to fit into. And am learning that it's ok for me to be a bit distant, quiet, disengaged, and private. That's ok. That's just how I am. That doesn't mean that we can't help people, and be Christ to them. We can. Just in a different way.

In the Catholic Church, there is a strong, old tradition of silence and prayer. Of cloistered souls helping the world, and souls, through prayer, while never leaving the monastery. Their contribution is no less important that that of an active missionary. Just different.

 

[SkyWriting]

I honestly can’t even find the energy right now.

Well, that's the same as all the other people you are talking about.
They don't have the energy.

 

[Mandahuff]

Well, that's the same as all the other people you are talking about.
They don't have the energy.

You obviously have no idea what depression is like. I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything clean, cook, work, or take a shower.

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

You obviously have no idea what depression is like. I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything clean, cook, work, or take a shower.

we can talk about it, okay? i'm here...

 

[Mandahuff]

we can talk about it, okay? i'm here...

Thank you. I'm feeling better today I called the emergency line and talked to a therapist. It maybe a reverse reaction to the meds they put me on. Thank you I open up very well, but im trying

 

[Jeshu]

I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything clean, cook, work, or take a shower.

i know very much what you mean. i've been in that horrible pit, plenty of times, its a awful place, the worst beside hell i reckon.

There is a way out though and that is by using mindfulness the biblical way. In the bible it is written that we harvest what we sow. Now depression tricks us into believing/sowing lies about God, ourselves and others. Hurtful lies that bring misery.

For example when i was at my worst i didn't believe God loved me but that He hated me. That were the thoughts i cultivated into my heart and mind and that is what i believed feeling terrible that God had destined me to burn in hell. i believed i wasn't loveable, friends had forsaken me, people at Church more often than not judged me instead of supported me - or so i thought. i saw myself as useless, a burden, someone to dislike and do away with.

All of that began to change when i realised that i had been sowing negativities into my heart and mind for many years and that this was the biggest reason my depression was so bad. So i began to sow faith, love, kindness, gentleness, kindness, thankfulness and joy into my heart. I prayed for such times and asked God to rebuild me into someone who could suffer from a depressive illness without having to be suicidal all the time.

He did. In less than 4 years i left the pit behind and my suicidal ideation had disappeared. Sure i still suffer from depression but God's good life is so much better at fighting the lies of depression.

i found that faith in God's love brought me hope again and that my hope in God is never a disappointment. Using God's word as my weapon i fight the lies of depression. It is amazing how much better the truth of God deals with a depressive mind than a low self esteem hurt by people.

So yes there is hope for you as well. Fighting the lies of depression and cultivating good life can lift you out of this horrible pit you are in now. For one thing stands out we can't believe our depressive feelings to tell us the truth, they hurt us so! God's truth brings love and thankfulness alive even in a depressed heart.

Be of very good courage.



To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

 

[SouthernBlessedOne]

My sister, you are definitely not alone in this. I know it feels like you are. I was smothered in depression and attacked by suicidal thoughts most of my younger years. Still tries to attack me from time to time, but God has shown me how to see it coming and I praise Him for giving me the weapons to fight against the oppressing weight of depression. Here is a link to my deliverance from depression. I pray God will touch your life and show you how precious you are to Him. Keep faith my sister. A Light in the Darkness

 

[Press On]

Very good comments and advice here. Don't go it alone; we are here for you. Prayers.

 

[Press On]

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[Messerve]

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Sometimes that's all that needs to be said.

 

[Press On]

Sometimes that's all that needs to be said.

Actually, originally it was a response to your post on the previous page.

I wanted to say that I also went a bit off the rails about 5 years ago and was numb/didn't care nor want 'stuff' anymore.

I practically gave away an antique drum set I owned for 33 years, 2 antique guitars all in excellent condition, and almost 20 years worth of a die cast truck collection, many of which were rare or no longer attainable. Also some very nice clothes I thought I'd never fit into again. I was wrong.

Yes, they were just "stuff" but all had sentimental value. Sold quickly for about 10% of their value. The clothes were given to Goodwill. I dearly wish I hadn't done these things as I am retired on a fixed income and can no longer afford such luxuries.

Point is, depression can really fool us into doing foolish things. I wanted to let you know I understand your regrets and thank you for your honesty. I've not seen anyone write about this aspect of depression though I have been on this forum quite a while.

I was tired when I responded to you last night and somehow double posted and ended up deleting everything accidentally. So......I just thought the heck with it, inserted a "period" and fell asleep. Odd that you would be the one to comment on my non-post since it was directed to you in the first place...lol!

 

[Messerve]

Actually, originally it was a response to your post on the previous page.

I wanted to say that I also went a bit off the rails about 5 years ago and was numb/didn't care nor want 'stuff' anymore.

I practically gave away an antique drum set I owned for 33 years, 2 antique guitars all in excellent condition, and almost 20 years worth of a die cast truck collection, many of which were rare or no longer attainable. Also some very nice clothes I thought I'd never fit into again. I was wrong.

Yes, they were just "stuff" but all had sentimental value. Sold quickly for about 10% of their value. The clothes were given to Goodwill. I dearly wish I hadn't done these things as I am retired on a fixed income and can no longer afford such luxuries.

Point is, depression can really fool us into doing foolish things. I wanted to let you know I understand your regrets and thank you for your honesty. I've not seen anyone write about this aspect of depression though I have been on this forum quite a while.

I was tired when I responded to you last night and somehow double posted and ended up deleting everything accidentally. So......I just thought the heck with it, inserted a "period" and fell asleep. Odd that you would be the one to comment on my non-post since it was directed to you in the first place...lol!

That's funny! That period had my name on it, apparently.