Depression: Craziest Story You’ll Ever Read from a Christian

[AG36]

This will probably be one of the strangest posts you’ve ever read, so a fair warning to you. I struggle with depression and I’ve had 2 bouts of it in about 6 years. I am currently going through my worst bout due to this whole corona virus situation. I have been on antidepressants for over a month and they’ve begun to stop working. Through this depression I’ve come to realize something shocking about myself. I am addicted to unhappiness. You’d think a Christian would never struggle with this and that they would want happiness, joy, and goodness all the time, but I don’t and it scares me too. I have a history of sexual abuse from peers at a young age and I’ve been treated very poorly by people in my company for years. I’ve also been given unrealistic expectations to live up to and have had pretty terrible self esteem for years. My life has been pretty hard for someone my age, even my parents admit this, which is crazy because they always see the upside on everything. I looked into this addiction to unhappiness and I fill all the requirements and my background fits almost every category. It’s as if I don’t want to stop struggling, I don’t ever want there to be a day that I don’t face pain and hardship, I don’t want all people to treat me good. This makes it difficult for me to desire healthy relationships, have a relationship with Jesus, and even anticipate something that is supposed to be wonderful like heaven. A life full of love, joy, and peace actually terrifies me. It’s also crazy because I want those good things for other people, just not myself. Realizing this has devastated me, and pushed me further into depression because I know this isn’t what God intended. I know He understands, but I feel like I’m disappointing Him. I’ve tried praying and reading the Bible and just trying to get to know Him, but I cannot feel or know the love for Him that I should. I also cannot seem to feel or know the love He has for me. I feel like I am just beyond evil and undeserving of any type of happiness for thinking the way I am. My parents have tried to tell me I am loved and don’t deserve pain and unhappiness, but that’s basically what I want. A life full of pain and struggle. I honestly don’t know what to do. Today, I was in so much agony over the thoughts in my mind I felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body as I screamed for Jesus to help me. I don’t even know how long it lasted, but it felt like a lifetime. I want all of these good things for the world, but not for myself and I can’t wrap my mind around why. I have tried to pray and be obedient to God but nothing has changed as of yet. I’m terrified for my salvation right now. If anyone has any recommendations or thoughts please feel free to send them my way...

 

[4hope]

Hi,
Many, many people struggle with similar issues. You are NOT alone! I struggle with this, too.
We tend to not feel good enough about ourselves. As a result, we can busy ourselves with
others happiness while our own lives are falling apart. We can sabotage ourselves and
set ourselves up for failure and unhappiness to match what we really feel about ourselves
inside (low self esteem, self hatred, etc.).

We tend to keep God on the outside and never actually let him inside to change our hearts and heal us.
Why? Well, if you've been abused, that carries a lot of SHAME. Shame can bind you up like no other.
Shame keeps us in bondage, darkness and away from healing because you think deep down
you don't deserve it. We do all sorts of things to put ourselves down - deny ourselves - to live up to the image that was burned in our heart, mind, soul when we were abused. And, that spills over into our relationship with God. Which is really crazy because he is the ONLY one who really cares. He's the ONLY one who KNOWS, the ONLY one who can HEAL.

I recently went through my own struggle with allowing Jesus to come into my heart. I froze a bit because I didn't know how to do it. Was afraid of what he'd find in there. Crazy, huh? Thought I needed to wait until my heart was right before he could come in and heal it. Nuts, huh? Anyway, after so many attempts, he stopped. I have gone through a very dry, dark place. I am just recently seeking him with all that I know how. The difference this time is that I am trying to 'surrender' and not control the situation.

I think we try to control the situation because we are afraid of losing control. See, when a person gets abused, they usually are in a vulnerable situation and had no control. So, to protect ourselves going forward, we lock up the doors and windows of our hearts and stand guard shutting the shame and abuse inside of us & never letting God come in to heal it. Does that make sense? We can become a prisoner of our own making by allowing shame to bind us. And, we BUSY ourselves so we do not feel the pain or even look at the fact that we are prisoners.

Some time ago, when I was struggling with my issues, I asked God what was wrong with me. I got a vision in my head of being wrapped up in my OWN CHAINS! I was BINDING MYSELF UP! I was keeping myself in bondage with past issues. It was me doing it! The abusive situation was no longer in my life.

Just tonight, I came across a YouTube video of a girl who struggled with self esteem & self love issues
due to a sexual molestation at a young age. It really touched me and she explains how God healed her of it. It might help you see what God can do if you can open your heart to him and ask him to help you. God also asked her to do a 'fast' to help with her healing. I will attach both videos below.

I hope this will give you some hope.

 

[AG36]

Thank you for sending her video my way. I’ve also struggled for years with inappropriate content and have recently given it up, fairly easily, however I attribute that to my depression. I’m unsure if you’ve ever dealt with depression, but if you haven’t unfortunately it goes a lot deeper than just being hopeless or sad. It quite literally produces thoughts in your mind you’d never had before. It causes your mind to obsess over and overthink almost everything. Before I was depressed, despite the fact that I still didn’t really want love, happiness, or peace for myself, I had a pretty good view of God. I never blamed Him for anything bad in the world and I generally believe He loved me. I obviously was not incredibly close to Him either, but I didn’t question Him so much. This depression has caused me to question everything about Him. I’ve come to a place where out of selfishness I’ve almost convinced myself I don’t want everything to be about Him and I don’t want to have to serve and worship Him. These are things I’d never thought before. I’d never had such a negative view of Him and I’d never thought of Him as selfish. I’d always believe that serving Him was primarily about helping and loving others as He would, but now it’s as if I’m attributing it to slavery or being mind controlled to do everything He wants and nothing I want. Yet, it’s crazy because my natural instinct and desires are to do those very things He wants. I just have a very messed up view of God right now and it terrifies me. I’m currently praying He gives me the love for Him that I want. A love that will not only make me want to be with Him, but will help me desire love, joy, and happiness for myself. Thank you again for your comment and resources <3

Hi,
Many, many people struggle with similar issues. You are NOT alone! I struggle with this, too.
We tend to not feel good enough about ourselves. As a result, we can busy ourselves with
others happiness while our own lives are falling apart. We can sabotage ourselves and
set ourselves up for failure and unhappiness to match what we really feel about ourselves
inside (low self esteem, self hatred, etc.).

We tend to keep God on the outside and never actually let him inside to change our hearts and heal us.
Why? Well, if you've been abused, that carries a lot of SHAME. Shame can bind you up like no other.
Shame keeps us in bondage, darkness and away from healing because you think deep down
you don't deserve it. We do all sorts of things to put ourselves down - deny ourselves - to live up to the image that was burned in our heart, mind, soul when we were abused. And, that spills over into our relationship with God. Which is really crazy because he is the ONLY one who really cares. He's the ONLY one who KNOWS, the ONLY one who can HEAL.

I recently went through my own struggle with allowing Jesus to come into my heart. I froze a bit because I didn't know how to do it. Was afraid of what he'd find in there. Crazy, huh? Thought I needed to wait until my heart was right before he could come in and heal it. Nuts, huh? Anyway, after so many attempts, he stopped. I have gone through a very dry, dark place. I am just recently seeking him with all that I know how. The difference this time is that I am trying to 'surrender' and not control the situation.

I think we try to control the situation because we are afraid of losing control. See, when a person gets abused, they usually are in a vulnerable situation and had no control. So, to protect ourselves going forward, we lock up the doors and windows of our hearts and stand guard shutting the shame and abuse inside of us & never letting God come in to heal it. Does that make sense? We can become a prisoner of our own making by allowing shame to bind us. And, we BUSY ourselves so we do not feel the pain or even look at the fact that we are prisoners.

Some time ago, when I was struggling with my issues, I asked God what was wrong with me. I got a vision in my head of being wrapped up in my OWN CHAINS! I was BINDING MYSELF UP! I was keeping myself in bondage with past issues. It was me doing it! The abusive situation was no longer in my life.

Just tonight, I came across a YouTube video of a girl who struggled with self esteem & self love issues
due to a sexual molestation at a young age. It really touched me and she explains how God healed her of it. It might help you see what God can do if you can open your heart to him and ask him to help you. God also asked her to do a 'fast' to help with her healing. I will attach both videos below.

I hope this will give you some hope.

 

[Tempura]

I feel like I am just beyond evil and undeserving of any type of happiness for thinking the way I am.

You aren't beyond anything.

Our minds, they can be broken just like our hearts. We form harmful patterns, we're quite good at that. We can see everything through our warped lenses of depression and brokenness and then think what we see or feel is reality.

You're praying for good things, and turning to God, instead of turning even more into yourself. When we're too deep in ourselves, especially when we're ill or "not right", it can be an endless cycle of wallowing, we're digging inside ourselves but we can't find much good in there and it can only get darker.

But fear not, God knows how broken we are, and He doesn't use our ailments against us. Down here we're all kinds of messed up, in so many ways. In Him, there's perfection, liberation, all of it at last. It's hard to see it or feel it while we're still struggling, but that's what hope is. We hope what we cannot see, and we shouldn't base our faith on feelings. If we chase feelings, especially if we are broken, our feelings will be against us and they go wherever they want. This is why Christ is the rock. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, while we can be weak and moved around by so many things. It's been a lifelong battle for me to not believe my fears, my terror, my confusion. I feel them, but I don't have to believe them and I don't have to give them too much credit. Our fears and confusion surely aren't from God, and they can't do anything to God. I can just trust Christ, even if I couldn't feel my own trust, I can decide to do it, I can take a stance. I can just have hope and faith, even if I didn't feel that hope or I couldn't feel my faith to be strong. But let us not look our own strength of grip with which we grasp Christ, let us look Christ only, and His strength, He will not waver.


"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.


In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."


Do not fear your own confusion or your weakness. They are the exact things you will get liberated from, one day. Your weaknesses or fears will not hinder God's work for you, which He has done in Christ Jesus, and your life is safely hid with Him. So have hope, and have great thoughts of Christ, instead of constant awful thoughts about yourself. He will get you home and in the end there is relief, and you will be perfectly able to embrace that relief without any of your current fears.

Said a prayer for you. No fear. Also, therapy might do you some good. It did for me. I went on/off for many years, but at some point it just clicked. Getting a bit older also helped, because at some point I just had to surrender all my burdens to Him. Christ be with you.

 

[heaLsEarch]

This will probably be one of the strangest posts you’ve ever read, so a fair warning to you. I struggle with depression and I’ve had 2 bouts of it in about 6 years. I am currently going through my worst bout due to this whole corona virus situation. I have been on antidepressants for over a month and they’ve begun to stop working. Through this depression I’ve come to realize something shocking about myself. I am addicted to unhappiness. You’d think a Christian would never struggle with this and that they would want happiness, joy, and goodness all the time, but I don’t and it scares me too. I have a history of sexual abuse from peers at a young age and I’ve been treated very poorly by people in my company for years. I’ve also been given unrealistic expectations to live up to and have had pretty terrible self esteem for years. My life has been pretty hard for someone my age, even my parents admit this, which is crazy because they always see the upside on everything. I looked into this addiction to unhappiness and I fill all the requirements and my background fits almost every category. It’s as if I don’t want to stop struggling, I don’t ever want there to be a day that I don’t face pain and hardship, I don’t want all people to treat me good. This makes it difficult for me to desire healthy relationships, have a relationship with Jesus, and even anticipate something that is supposed to be wonderful like heaven. A life full of love, joy, and peace actually terrifies me. It’s also crazy because I want those good things for other people, just not myself. Realizing this has devastated me, and pushed me further into depression because I know this isn’t what God intended. I know He understands, but I feel like I’m disappointing Him. I’ve tried praying and reading the Bible and just trying to get to know Him, but I cannot feel or know the love for Him that I should. I also cannot seem to feel or know the love He has for me. I feel like I am just beyond evil and undeserving of any type of happiness for thinking the way I am. My parents have tried to tell me I am loved and don’t deserve pain and unhappiness, but that’s basically what I want. A life full of pain and struggle. I honestly don’t know what to do. Today, I was in so much agony over the thoughts in my mind I felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body as I screamed for Jesus to help me. I don’t even know how long it lasted, but it felt like a lifetime. I want all of these good things for the world, but not for myself and I can’t wrap my mind around why. I have tried to pray and be obedient to God but nothing has changed as of yet. I’m terrified for my salvation right now. If anyone has any recommendations or thoughts please feel free to send them my way...

It comes naturall for me to believe tiresome, and burdensome existence controlled by rules as the will of God for my life somehow. Anything fun, joyful, or attractive is against God's will for me.

It feels easier though to live a boring life as well as being around "unchrist like" people (even if they were nonbelievers). Somehow I feel justified not to grow as a person and stay in my shell when I stay around them.

It is hard to be around someone who is genuinely loving, accepting, and a trustworthy indivisual because I feel I have to return the same level of something which I seem to be lacking..

Sorry for rambling on and on. I've felt sympathy, but I'm very sorry if I'm greatly missing the mark..

I'm just a lay person, but I've heard abused girls tend to express distress in self destructive ways whereas boys tend to express distress by hurtful behaviors towards others (eg. crimes, violence, etc.)

I've also heard from the doctor I used to see that one needs to take antidepressants for a long enough time to avoid recurrences and that recurrences become drug resistant. I believe there are meds that are still effctive for you, and so when you find the right one, just stick to it without stopping prematurely. It is not anything to be ashamed of to be taking pills