Depression and anxiety related to doubting salvation

[Brent Caldwell]

Hi,
Apologies if this is in the wrong section. I wasn't sure which one it went in.

I've struggled with major depression, anxiety and religious OCD for over 20 years. I've questioned whether I can ever really be saved because I made a foolish satanic vow when I was 16 or 17. I vowed to the devil that I would never become a Christian and made the devil horns sign and raised it to the sky. I've wondered if I blasphemed the Holy Spirit when I did that. I've prayed to receive Christ countless times throughout the last 30 years, but I've never experienced any lasting assurance of salvation and I've sinned in grievous ways over to those years. I've never been able to hold down a job for more than 4 years or so with most being much less than that. I've never been a good employee either. I've had a problem with lying, stealing, fits of rage, profanity, religious profanity, inappropriate contentography, dishonoring my parents (especially my recently deceased 86-year old father who had Alzheimer's- I was truly horrible to him and I'm utterly ashamed about it). I also was a terrible husband and I caused my loving wife so much heartbreak due to the depression who put up with so much of my garbage over 21 years of marriage. It's like I just sabotage everything good in my life. I absolutely hate it!

Someone recently told me that the Holy Spirit told her that I was born into grief which could explain why my life has gone in the wrong direction so often.I just don't understand why I can't receive Jesus and have His Holy Spirit within me. I've done worse things than what I mentioned, but I wasn't sure that I should mention those. My life has just been miserable and I'm tired of sinning all the time. Is there any hope for me? I'm just worn out from dealing with this depression, anxiety and OCD all the time. Meds don't really help and I actually have treatment-resistant depression so I believe that my depression is spiritually related. So if I'm ever able to receive Christ there will probably be a huge difference in my life. I have heard of people that got saved and their depression was taken care of. They were able to completely come off all meds. It all boils down to life without Jesus is meaningless and sinning can lead to a bondage of depression. I've also been experienced a lot of demonic oppression as of late due to how I treated my loving father and wife. I feel like I'm being harassed constantly because of it and it's frightening! Can anyone help me please?

 

[GallagherM]

Brent have you simply just read the bible from Matthew 1:18 and forward ? To simple read and see what is going on in the bible? You are right about the change of life when you let the Lord Jesus Christ in your life.

Was diagnosed with bipolar depression when younger: and at the age of 26 was when I finally started reading from Matthew 1:18 and the rest of the gospels; and found a teacher that would encourage me to go and look and read the bible. My life changed slowly over years of going back to read, my heart was changed by God through the Lord Jesus Christ.

That is my encouragement to you it is the only encouragement that can be given; as I can give you advice but my wisdom will not amount to Gods wisdom and what He is able to teach you if you allow him to friend.

 

[Brent Caldwell]

I have read and or listened the entire NT a few times, but I tend to be condemned when I read it so even though I still try to read it I don't really experience the comfort that so many talk about when they read it. I also know that your can only understand the Bible as the Holy Spirit gives the understanding as the Bible is spiritually discerned which also causes anxiety because I'm not able to understand and thus profit from what I read. I've prayed for the faith to believe and I've read and listened to the Word because I think it's Romans that says faith comes by hearing continually. Also I've questioned whether God even wants to save me based on what Calvinism teaches that some are ordained to be saved and the rest are ordained to go to hell. So it's like I can want to be saved with all my heart, but if it's not God's will then it will never happen which makes me angry to know that there is a way to be saved, but God just doesn't want to include me which brings back all kinds of rejection issues that I've experienced since I was a little kid. I

 

[GallagherM]

Sounds like a lot to deal with. God accepts you for who you are right now; but if you refuse to believe or have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

That would be your decision would it not?

You seem very smart and articulate and very conscious of what you are doing. Hope the best for you and what you may decide to do with your life because it a choice friend.

Am going to try to sleep here. Take care.

this is a video I personally made on faith hope and promises if you are curious to learn more about faith ;

Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

 

[Tolworth John]

It all boils down to life without Jesus is meaningless

It is only the saved who worry about sinning.
It is only the Christian who is spiritually alive, those who are destined for condemnation don't care.

My advice would be to start living as a Christian, yes that will mean hard work and self disciplne.

May I suggest two things that may help you yo live in a Christ centered and honouring way.

Take a look at the alcoholics annon 12 point plan and start following it, using it to help you to have a daily dedication to follow Jesus.
look at the 25 tips for successfully treating ocd.
both are on line ad both will help you, but ultimately you are the one who has to change, we are told that God will always provide a way to escape from temptation. The problem is we have to want to escape and take that escape, which is often as simple as walk away, don't look etc.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

Hi,
Apologies if this is in the wrong section. I wasn't sure which one it went in.

I've struggled with major depression, anxiety and religious OCD for over 20 years. I've questioned whether I can ever really be saved because I made a foolish satanic vow when I was 16 or 17. I vowed to the devil that I would never become a Christian and made the devil horns sign and raised it to the sky. I've wondered if I blasphemed the Holy Spirit when I did that. I've prayed to receive Christ countless times throughout the last 30 years, but I've never experienced any lasting assurance of salvation and I've sinned in grievous ways over to those years. I've never been able to hold down a job for more than 4 years or so with most being much less than that. I've never been a good employee either. I've had a problem with lying, stealing, fits of rage, profanity, religious profanity, inappropriate contentography, dishonoring my parents (especially my recently deceased 86-year old father who had Alzheimer's- I was truly horrible to him and I'm utterly ashamed about it). I also was a terrible husband and I caused my loving wife so much heartbreak due to the depression who put up with so much of my garbage over 21 years of marriage. It's like I just sabotage everything good in my life. I absolutely hate it!

Someone recently told me that the Holy Spirit told her that I was born into grief which could explain why my life has gone in the wrong direction so often.I just don't understand why I can't receive Jesus and have His Holy Spirit within me. I've done worse things than what I mentioned, but I wasn't sure that I should mention those. My life has just been miserable and I'm tired of sinning all the time. Is there any hope for me? I'm just worn out from dealing with this depression, anxiety and OCD all the time. Meds don't really help and I actually have treatment-resistant depression so I believe that my depression is spiritually related. So if I'm ever able to receive Christ there will probably be a huge difference in my life. I have heard of people that got saved and their depression was taken care of. They were able to completely come off all meds. It all boils down to life without Jesus is meaningless and sinning can lead to a bondage of depression. I've also been experienced a lot of demonic oppression as of late due to how I treated my loving father and wife. I feel like I'm being harassed constantly because of it and it's frightening! Can anyone help me please?

Did you ever repent and ask all those people you sinned against to forgive you? Forget the silly “ask Jesus into your heart” stuff. No one in the whole of the NT ever preached that. They preached repent of your wrong doing. They preached asking forgiveness of God and man. They taught restitution to those you’ve wronged.

 

[Anthony2019]

I am absolutely convinced that there is hope for you. There is hope for each and everyone of us - and that hope is in Jesus.

If, like the prodigal son, you feel you have lost your way and want to return home to the Father, you will always be welcomed with open arms. Just tell Him you are sorry for your sins and turn away from them. He will forgive you, never begrudgingly, but always gladly.

Remember that you are very precious to Him.

 

[Jeshu]

Hi, i have Schizo effective disorder and constant depression like you i struggled to find God and to stop sinning, i have done really bad sin as well. Mainly because i was too mentally ill to discern truth from lie.

i once lingered in the pit suicidally depressed for many years, yet is there that i found Jesus. Rock bottom. Spend. Useless to everyone Jesus picked me up and taught me how to sow the good seed in my heart and become strong against my constant depression instead of weak and overrun.

It is the Spirit of love you are lacking my dear friend and brother. i couldn't read the bible either because it constantly condemned me but then i learned to read it in the Spirit of love for God, self and neighbour and it made all the difference. Read the bible as if love Himself was speaking to you. The accuser, who is making you feel bad, will be silenced in the end. The blood of Christ silences that fiery dragon.

The truth is what we sow we shall harvest. So if you so good seed, even starting today, then you will reap a good crop from that down the track, 30 to a 100 fold more then what was sown. So every day sow the things you long for in your heart and ask God to bless it. Then place your faith in God's love, because of Jesus dying on the cross for you, and fight to believe that. The grace you receive once you have faith in God's love is incredible but the dragon will go to town trying to make you loose sight of Jesus by throwing your sins and short comings at you - to keep your eyes peeled on Jesus and eat grace is how you survive such times and grow in righteousness along the way.

Ponder on this. Honesty brings protection from lies. Kindness will reap you respect and honour from people around. Gentleness will reap you a loving caring heart. Go to work like that. Work with God's good stuff. Do the loving, also the loving of yourself needs to be restored, not selfishly like you did in the past, when you sinned wilfully, but lovingly in the spirit of truth and love, and you will find your true identity back again.

Repent of all wrong doing and place your faith in God's love even today. Read the bible - right through your fears about God - and learn to love Him instead of just being scared of Him because of your sins. Forgive anyone who has wronged you and seek the forgiveness of those you wronged.

Take hold of Jesus and follow Him through the truths of Scriptures into the Kingdom.

Be of good courage

 

[DLovingBrother]

Hi Brent,
Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit being unforgivable was possible only during the time Jesus was on earth when the Pharisees doubted that it was the Holy Spirit causing the healing and miracles made by Jesus. Any worship and love for Satan, or blasphemy against the Lord or the Holy Spirit can be erased by a sincere repentance and submission to Jesus. Maybe you are having a hard time feeling assured that you are truly saved. If your repentance is sincere and you totally submit to God’s hand that He can do anything He wants to you such as zap you or fill you with boils and diseases, then you are saved. And the good news is that instead of condemning you He showers you with so many resources and privileges as His child. Do not believe that you were born into grief. Every human was born into a fallen state and fallen nature, thanks to Satan, but Jesus rescued us and provided everything we need to live a full and victorious life. A full and victorious life is not an automatic spick and span brand new life as if by magic but your life, your behavior, your sense of peace, is more in line with God today than yesterday, than last month. A drug addict might still be suffering from the grips of substance abuse but he is now praying for healing, he is now getting help, and he is now trying his best to resist the temptation, and now with the power of the Holy Spirit might be one step closer to freedom. Forget the things of the past and concentrate on a new and better life, otherwise you will just be measuring your Christianity and making a check list of what got resolved or what did not then going back to square one. Try going to a nearby church and ask for counseling from a pastor. This will take a long time but you need to trust that God is able.

 

[Tempura]

I just don't understand why I can't receive Jesus and have His Holy Spirit within me.

We have this strange fixation where we try to see God through our own broken self. We focus on "I can't" when we should put our weak faith in "God can". We try to look inside ourselves for things we need from God and we fret when we only seem to find sin. Which we will.

I'm a frequent doubter and riddled with anxiety too. Some of us are moved by fear for whatever reason, it always seems to be there and it always rules when we anxiously look inside ourselves for some kind of assurance of God's grace. Letting our broken emotions to be in charge of who and what God is, it's what some of us do, and it's always a mistake. We have a Bible for a reason, with the written promises of God. Our promises to Him mean very little, as Peter painfully found out, but His promises for us mean everything. So we put our faith, however weak it might be, in Him and His promises, instead of our fears. It is something we learn to do, and in the end something we will do no matter how impossible it might seem. We do get tired of being afraid, we do get tired of doubt, and we will learn to let God be God when we go to Him as we are. We have to go to him as we are. We have to be honest. No matter how broken, filthy or ugly our lives may be. We grow little by little and in many ways we are like stumbling children who insist on forcing our own way, but we will grow and we will learn.

Jesus Christ on the cross fulfilled the law, became the curse and already suffered death on your behalf. It's not some showpiece that doesn't really matter when it comes to a sinner, it absolutely matters and there can be no better sacrifice for anyone's sins. Stop looking at your failures in fear and look at Christ in His victory. It's for you too. It's done, put your faith in it and in Him, and surrender your burdens to Him. Never mind if you don't feel it, if you don't see it, because we hope for what we cannot see.

Also about your OCD, God will not use your illness against you. If being ill in that way is a cross you have to bear, then so be it, but always remember God knows better than you do, and your ill feelings or intrusive thoughts will not control Him in any way. You don't have such power and you never will. Our mental state and health will fluctuate but God does not change, and Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The true rock. We are thrown around by whatever winds but He will not be moved and His cross will not be toppled.

There's a lot we don't know, and none of us have the perfect faith. It's the object of our faith which is key, and if everything else seems to fail, love never does. 1 Corinthians 13 is a great chapter for me to remind myself that I'm not pursuing some secret esoteric knowledge in some maze or a neverending labyrinth in order to achieve some status of holiness.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

God bless you.

I find this old sermon to be a good read when my own mind is against me: The Spurgeon Library | Consolation for the Despairing

 

[Louise15]

Hi Brent, have you tried reading anything by Martin Luther? He suffered with the same kind of doubts you describe above and he had several episodes of depression in his life, as I have myself. I read Martin Luthers sermons every night with a chapter from the bible and its helping me come out of a long period of depression after my mum died. I've got 'What Luther Says' and 'Luthers letters of spiritual counsel' translated by Theodore Tappert. You can buy both of them on Amazon. I hope God helps you soon, best wishes , Louise.