Depressed and need help

[pantingdeer]

Please help me. I'm getting worse. Last year something changed in me and I did not like women anymore and I got scared.

My life is a mess, everything is going wrong. Im depressed and the side effects are terrible. My brain has stopped functioning properly - I have a terrible memory and my natural ability for maths has gone. I believe this depression is due to my confusion on sexuality and my loss of hope. I often have suicidal thoughts like last night at 3am I had a thought about an overdose.
I don't understand God and my faith is bad. I'm not a very nice person as I feel I don't love anyone. I don't think I'd care if my 'friends' died tomorrow or even my family or myself. Due to this Id be lying if I said I loved God because I find it hard to like anyone. But everything is going wrong for me and I want God to help me if he's there. But I know I'll get no help because if he's there I'm just using him and if he's not then there is no help.

I want this suffering in my mind and heart to end. If Jesus loves me I want to understand and feel that love because I never have. If I felt it I might be able to love him back but right now I can't. The stories within the bible just feel like stories even though I may accept them. Nothing is real to me.

If Jesus loves me will his love end this suffering I endure. This one fear of being gay took over my life and I hate myself now. The fear has lasted so long It seems natural to believe I'm in denial and should just accept it's who I am. It's lasted so long it feels I've become what I feared. But even though the bible doesnt even come alive to me, it says homosexuality it sin and I would be dooming myself to hell.

I hate myself and envy others who enjoy their lives. Those who love women and those whose truly believe in God and have an actual relationship with him.

I'm a lost soul as you can tell by reading my words.

Please help me. You're the only person I can talk to.

Andrew98, Yesterday at 6:50 PMEditReport
#29+ QuoteReply

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

You are under attack. Whenever you feel this way, say a prayer, Our Father. Yeshua taught us to pray this prayer. Speak it and believe it in your heart. Ask for forgiveness and mean it. Read the Psalms. You feel out of control...take control. Have you seen a Doctor? Also, you are not alone.
Seraphim (Rose) - OrthodoxWiki
Shalom

 

[Larniavc]

Please seek immediate

Please help me. I'm getting worse. Last year something changed in me and I did not like women anymore and I got scared.

My life is a mess, everything is going wrong. Im depressed and the side effects are terrible. My brain has stopped functioning properly - I have a terrible memory and my natural ability for maths has gone. I believe this depression is due to my confusion on sexuality and my loss of hope. I often have suicidal thoughts like last night at 3am I had a thought about an overdose.
I don't understand God and my faith is bad. I'm not a very nice person as I feel I don't love anyone. I don't think I'd care if my 'friends' died tomorrow or even my family or myself. Due to this Id be lying if I said I loved God because I find it hard to like anyone. But everything is going wrong for me and I want God to help me if he's there. But I know I'll get no help because if he's there I'm just using him and if he's not then there is no help.

I want this suffering in my mind and heart to end. If Jesus loves me I want to understand and feel that love because I never have. If I felt it I might be able to love him back but right now I can't. The stories within the bible just feel like stories even though I may accept them. Nothing is real to me.

If Jesus loves me will his love end this suffering I endure. This one fear of being gay took over my life and I hate myself now. The fear has lasted so long It seems natural to believe I'm in denial and should just accept it's who I am. It's lasted so long it feels I've become what I feared. But even though the bible doesnt even come alive to me, it says homosexuality it sin and I would be dooming myself to hell.

I hate myself and envy others who enjoy their lives. Those who love women and those whose truly believe in God and have an actual relationship with him.

I'm a lost soul as you can tell by reading my words.

Please help me. You're the only person I can talk to.

Andrew98, Yesterday at 6:50 PMEditReport
#29+ QuoteReply

Please seek immediate psychological support.

Tell someone in a position to give you actual real world support.

A real properly trained psychotherapist or psychiatrist will be able to help you through this difficult period of your life far better than the Internet.

 

[Aryeh]

I agree with the first two posters.

You will want to seek help - trusted help - for your self hate. That will make you repeat cycles you see as atrocious, feeding a perpetual cycle of self hate. It is the mechanism that is used.

You also should pray - literally talk - to God about this so that you can start a process of deliverance with Him. It is a process.

It is a process.

It is a process. As said, you will also truly want to be helped and forgiven, and you must believe... you have to have faith He will help you. Doubt is another mechanism used to induce activity that results in harmful thinking and behavior.

What you describe as your problem is NOT the worst sin ever. In fact, it is really a deception.

If you want to talk more, let's hear your thoughts on this, or PM.

 

[Press On]

Please help me. I'm getting worse. Last year something changed in me and I did not like women anymore and I got scared.

My life is a mess, everything is going wrong. Im depressed and the side effects are terrible. My brain has stopped functioning properly - I have a terrible memory and my natural ability for maths has gone. I believe this depression is due to my confusion on sexuality and my loss of hope. I often have suicidal thoughts like last night at 3am I had a thought about an overdose.
I don't understand God and my faith is bad. I'm not a very nice person as I feel I don't love anyone. I don't think I'd care if my 'friends' died tomorrow or even my family or myself. Due to this Id be lying if I said I loved God because I find it hard to like anyone. But everything is going wrong for me and I want God to help me if he's there. But I know I'll get no help because if he's there I'm just using him and if he's not then there is no help.

I want this suffering in my mind and heart to end. If Jesus loves me I want to understand and feel that love because I never have. If I felt it I might be able to love him back but right now I can't. The stories within the bible just feel like stories even though I may accept them. Nothing is real to me.

If Jesus loves me will his love end this suffering I endure. This one fear of being gay took over my life and I hate myself now. The fear has lasted so long It seems natural to believe I'm in denial and should just accept it's who I am. It's lasted so long it feels I've become what I feared. But even though the bible doesnt even come alive to me, it says homosexuality it sin and I would be dooming myself to hell.

I hate myself and envy others who enjoy their lives. Those who love women and those whose truly believe in God and have an actual relationship with him.

I'm a lost soul as you can tell by reading my words.

Please help me. You're the only person I can talk to.

Andrew98, Yesterday at 6:50 PMEditReport
#29+ QuoteReply

Andrew, your brain has a chemical imbalance. Neurons are misfiring. I would wager partly if not mostly physical, like diabetes or a heart condition. Ignore your crazy thoughts and don't act upon them.

Seek professional help as soon as you can. Proper medication and counseling will change things dramatically.

God knows your situation. Do not try to reason it out or make sense of your thoughts and feelings at this time. Pour out your heart to God and ask for His mercy and guidance. He is not angry with you; be at peace with this knowledge and don't beat yourself up.

Myself and many others on this forum have sought or are currently seeking medical intervention. All the best; let us know how you are doing.

 

[JoeP222w]

Please help me. I'm getting worse. Last year something changed in me and I did not like women anymore and I got scared.

My life is a mess, everything is going wrong. Im depressed and the side effects are terrible. My brain has stopped functioning properly - I have a terrible memory and my natural ability for maths has gone. I believe this depression is due to my confusion on sexuality and my loss of hope. I often have suicidal thoughts like last night at 3am I had a thought about an overdose.
I don't understand God and my faith is bad. I'm not a very nice person as I feel I don't love anyone. I don't think I'd care if my 'friends' died tomorrow or even my family or myself. Due to this Id be lying if I said I loved God because I find it hard to like anyone. But everything is going wrong for me and I want God to help me if he's there. But I know I'll get no help because if he's there I'm just using him and if he's not then there is no help.

I want this suffering in my mind and heart to end. If Jesus loves me I want to understand and feel that love because I never have. If I felt it I might be able to love him back but right now I can't. The stories within the bible just feel like stories even though I may accept them. Nothing is real to me.

If Jesus loves me will his love end this suffering I endure. This one fear of being gay took over my life and I hate myself now. The fear has lasted so long It seems natural to believe I'm in denial and should just accept it's who I am. It's lasted so long it feels I've become what I feared. But even though the bible doesnt even come alive to me, it says homosexuality it sin and I would be dooming myself to hell.

I hate myself and envy others who enjoy their lives. Those who love women and those whose truly believe in God and have an actual relationship with him.

I'm a lost soul as you can tell by reading my words.

Please help me. You're the only person I can talk to.

Andrew98, Yesterday at 6:50 PMEditReport
#29+ QuoteReply

First and foremost, you need to call out to Jesus to transform your heart, to believe and trust in what He says in His inerrant word of the Bible.

Secondly, you need Biblical counseling. Advice from random people on the internet is not the best course of action.


"I want this suffering in my mind and heart to end."

That is understandable, but that may not be God's plan. However, God will be with you through all things.

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

Philippians 1:29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake,


"If Jesus loves me I want to understand and feel that love because I never have."

Jesus love, while feelings are a part, is not based in feelings. True love is founded in the truth of God, because He is truth. It is not based in arbitrary warm fuzzys. Feelings change often, God never changes.

"This one fear of being gay took over my life and I hate myself now. "

You are not homosexual. Homosexual is a willful sin choice. No one is born homosexual. You can choose to be homosexual, and that would be against the will of God. Do you fear being a liar? or a thief? or a murderer? or an idolater? All these things are sinful choices that one needs to turn from (repent) and trust in Jesus Christ, that His grace is sufficient to cover all of these sins. The world and your own deceitful heart will tell you are a [homosexual, thief, murderer, adulterer, etc] and you have no control over that, and that is the great lie.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, (10) nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (11) And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Key phrase underlined there. If you are in Christ, you no longer identify by your former sins, but you are a new creation.



You need Pastoral Biblical counseling. Make an appointment with your Pastor today. If you are not actively involved in a Bible believing church, the first question is why are you not? If you are not, you need to find a Bible believing church in your community and meet with the Pastor or Elders, and ask them to take you into their counsel and ask for their accountability.

God never intended you to go through life alone. You need to be involved in a Christian community of Brothers in Christ who will encourage you, exhort you and pray for you and with you.

 

[Tempura]

Please help me. I'm getting worse.

I'm a lost soul as you can tell by reading my words.

You do not know it, but aren't as lost as you feel. Plenty of people can live their lives without having a crisis like this. Many of them do not learn a thing about themselves or even others because of it. Many of them will not find compassion for people going through something like this, because they don't understand it. Many who feel like they aren't lost at all can be lost the most. And I don't mean to say that happy people are wrong or bad, that's not what I meant, but you get the point.

First of all, get help. Therapy is a great long-term tool. If you need medication, they try getting some of that too. And while some professionals aren't exactly great at their job, it's worth it to get professional help nonetheless. Some of it may help you a great deal. No matter how many obstacles you might have, no matter how many times you have to try. Do not hurt yourself.

About God's love. We don't often feel it. I believe that God loves us anyway, because I've learned that if something can get me astray, it's my feelings. I do not worship my feelings, I do not pray to my feelings. Our feelings often betray us, especially mine since I'm prone to get very melancholy, bitter, hateful and desperate.

Do you think it's a one-way street, from our side, to God and his love? If He gave us His son, didn't he love us first? Didn't Christ come for the sinners, not for the righteous? I'm the worst of sinners. Do I need to be holy and perfect to earn God's love, even though it is given and not earned at all? If I earn something, it's pay from some work. If it's grace, it's mine if I accept it. The thing is, we can't deserve God's love. And it's a wonderful thing. If I tried to deserve it - as I sometimes stray from the path - I find how impossible it is. Then it becomes about me and what I can do, not about Christ and what He already did and still does. It becomes about taking burden after burden until we break, not about taking those burdens to Christ. It becomes about getting bitter, hopeless and desperate, not about being free, grateful, loving and hopeful - you know, good kinds of fruit. The more we accept His grace, the more we WANT to love each other too.

About God's love, we tend to stare at our own sins and failings. We stare at them with such passion, that we leave grace, love, hope and forgiveness out of the equation. We barricade our doors (hearts) from that love, because we find it so hard to believe, and we continue to stare at our own wrongdoings as if they have more power than God himself.

If you think your faith is weak, then I'd say you're in luck. That is the struggle. Did you find that you can't do it by yourself? Did you find that there are limits to your capabilities in faith and love? If I read you right, you did. Congratulations, you now have first-hand experience of what it is to truly NEED God. I find myself in that position again and again. And while at first it hurts, then I get to thank Christ again for being the one I can have hope in, hope to set me free from those burdens one day. Even my own unbelief. It's not a curse to be in that place. It can be a revelation. We are humbled, and Christ is exalted: "I am weak in this, someone is weak in that, we all need Christ. They're not just words anymore. I really get it now."

Remember the person that Christ healed? Christ asked: "do you believe that I can do it for you" and the person replied: "help me in my unbelief". Remember the prodigal son? He thought his father would hate him, but his father took him back with open arms, in joy. Remember the tax collector, who didn't even know how to pray, and just pounded his chest and asked for mercy for his sinning self - and Christ liked his prayer. And like Christ said, God doesn't give us scorpions or snakes.

That means so much to me that it's hard for me to express. When I find myself in that state where my faith is weak, and I'm suffering from all kinds of guilt and shame, I can go to the very God I'm doubting and ask Him to help me and guide me. It's like bypassing my own weak faith and go straight to the source. It can be painful at first, but it's honest. God knows our hearts. He doesn't care about superficial things. Do you see other people being holy, righteous and great compared to yourself? God knows what's happening inside their hearts too, what they seem to be doesn't matter.

I sense you're very honest. Good, it's very important. Not many people can find themselves in such a state where there is no more room for lies. You will find out who you are, and you will build on a foundation that is strong. God's grace is sufficient. Nobody, no people, no explanations or arguments, no horrible feelings, no judgemental people or desperation can ever compete with it. Stop hating yourself. I know it's an easy thing to say, but I'll say it still. Stop tearing yourself apart. You are no worse than anybody else.

Do not fear. You are on a search. God knows your pain. Christ knows plenty about suffering, and He will find the lost sheep. Don't let people scare you. Don't let yourself scare you. Get any professional help you can. You can also talk to us here. One day at a time. Do not believe the desperate, self-hating thoughts you may have. Do not believe those feelings. Feel them if you must and recognize them, but don't act upon them. They are lies inside a narrow tunnel vision. Do not fear. You are loved, one brother among many who often feel lost. You are no different than I am. God bless you, said a prayer for you.

 

[brinny]

Bless yer heart, praying for you (((hug)))

 

[Greg J.]

Only God's perspective is without error. And he loves you just as you are. If you believe the God of the Bible is real and you want to please him (or are afraid of him), you are saved.

I agree with others that you need to seek help, preferably from a Christian psychiatrist and psychologist. God did not design us to be able to function all by ourselves. No one is actually self-sufficient. God used my psychiatrists and psychologists in huge ways to help me—in particular, the worst of my pain stopped being as bad as it had been when I started medication, even though it took 10 more years to get the best mix of medications right.

Please help me. I'm getting worse. Last year something changed in me and I did not like women anymore and I got scared.

Why does this concern you? God has loved you just as you are through all your years up to the present, and will love you just as much for all time. All our lives we live with a sinful nature. You may not want to be gay (and it doesn't sound to me like you are for the long-term, actually), but that is not something you can control. You don't become more of a sinner by becoming gay or less a sinner by ceasing to be gay. It's what you choose to say and do in response to it that matters. Seek God to help you with that.

Let go of trying to control it by yielding to the truth that God is in control of it (and you sure aren't, otherwise you would make yourself like you want). If you choose to be obedient to God in everything, then he is responsible for the consequences of everything you do in obedience. You are just the steward of your life. The problems arise when you try to control something that only God can control. Then you are not seeing the truth about you and God.

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (bold mine, John 8:31-32, 1984 NIV)

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (John 8:36, 1984 NIV)

Jesus has already paid the price for you to be free. Now your responsibility is just to try to connect to Jesus himself more deeply (by being obedient, studying the Bible, praying, etc.). But don't try to control the things you can't control. Ask God to take care of it, then leave it to him.

I don't understand God and my faith is bad. I'm not a very nice person as I feel I don't love anyone. I don't think I'd care if my 'friends' died tomorrow or even my family or myself. Due to this Id be lying if I said I loved God because I find it hard to like anyone. But everything is going wrong for me and I want God to help me if he's there. But I know I'll get no help because if he's there I'm just using him and if he's not then there is no help.

If you believe the God of the Bible is real and Jesus his son died to pay for your sins, then your faith is not bad. No need to be self-condemning over that. Ephesians 2:8 teaches that faith comes from God. You aren't in control of your faith.

What you think of yourself obviously affects you a lot, but unless you are seeing yourself as God sees you, then you are deceived. Based on your post, I would say there is a lot that God wants to and will set you free from. The more you believe what God says about you, the more freedom from pain (and everything else) you will have. This is a process though, not an overnight thing.

I want this suffering in my mind and heart to end. If Jesus loves me I want to understand and feel that love because I never have. If I felt it I might be able to love him back but right now I can't. The stories within the bible just feel like stories even though I may accept them. Nothing is real to me.

No need to say "If" Jesus loves you. God is love (1 John 4:8,16). His very nature is love. Everything he thinks, says, and does comes from his loving nature. It's impossible for you to make God stop loving you in this life. Read Romans 8:35-39.

I understand the need to feel loved. Everyone has that need. The pain of not experiencing it is huge. Jesus said that the love of most people would grow cold (Matthew 24:12). Very few people have much genuine love for God. That is something that God will give you as you keep him at the center of your life. You can't give it to yourself. Don't worry about it. Ask God to show you his love for you through other people. That's one of the reasons he doesn't want anyone to be alone.

But even though the bible doesnt even come alive to me, it says homosexuality it sin and I would be dooming myself to hell.

The Bible does not say this. Period. It is what you do in response that matters. If you didn't intentionally become homosexual, then it's not even a question of, is it right or wrong. If you have yielded control of your life to Jesus and keep doing so, then you cannot go to hell.

I hate myself and envy others who enjoy their lives. Those who love women and those whose truly believe in God and have an actual relationship with him.

God loves you, so any hatred you have toward yourself is the result of believing lies. No one has a life full of deep happiness, so be careful to interpret what you see correctly. It sounds like you already have a relationship to God, otherwise you wouldn't care what he think about you.