You see all this says its something I for me to do: trust Jesus etc. But I simply can't, and I wonder does God have to change me first?
Because it can all be said in hypocrisy (not real), while in the heart I continue not to believe. For years in my life I have thought I was a christian, during my school years I would have said I was even though I was struggling a lot
Its all rather complicated and more than I can explain here.
You say something about being in control and becoming "the boss of me". I guess thats what I need, but I keep thinking stuff like is that not the opposite of God being in control, "Jesus take the wheel" etc.
Well... heck... if you cannot bring yourself to believe in God, then I suppose it's not much of a stretch that you don't believe in evil spirits and angels as well? There's a lot I would love to share but no point in adding to your anxiety, so unless you ask, I'll keep the spiritual talk on hold.
I am just really glad you are honest about how you feel. I'm sure that you are pretty angry. I don't blame you a bit. If it is anything like what I remember, the anger is more like rage that is barely kept in check. It's like you're powerless to do anything but hide from things, situations, people, and your own thoughts.
I think sometimes it's better to withdraw than to act out - just to make things worse and then need to apologize. That is the worst! But disassociating only goes so far and lasts just so long. Besides, it should be like a special credit card - only for emergencies. Holding everything inside on a daily basis can eventually make you physically ill as well. It's not good for you.
I can at least suggest something non-spiritual. EMDR therapy did more for me in 8 months than 16 years of counseling had done. It stimulates the right and left sides of the brain alternately while one focuses on a specific trauma or memory. It is a permanent fix for some people and for others, it can last for months or a few years. I usually got complete relief in less than an hour - but for some it can take a few sessions. The frontal lobe of the brain is stimulated in such a way that all emotion I felt over the memory just went away.
Let me encourage you to use your anger and turn it where it belongs - toward all the little and big things that have controlled you and kept you under submission. Be angry. Just don't allow yourself to become a victim all over again - take back your power and refuse to entertain negative thoughts. Don't hate you - take care of you - so you can feel confident and walk proud again. You can do it - I can tell. You are highly intelligent and probably gifted some way. Decide to love your life and to find a way to be super-healthy, ripped, EMDR'ed, and get so you can breathe real air again.
I just have one question. How is it that you thought you were a Christian? And what and when made you realize you weren't? I guess if I could give you a million dollars - and all you had to do was go cash the check - would be nice. Well, the Lord has more than all the money in the world - richer than a billion billionaires. Everything He has is just like sitting in the bank waiting for ya'. I hope you can find the courage... the will... the determination... and a way to see fear and anxiety as like two nasty trolls that love to torment people. Kick them out - they only have a vote if you let them. Refuse to be yanked and bullied by things that have absolutely no power - except what we give them.
I bet you are a fighter by nature. My son has always been a fighter. When he finally directed his fighting instinct toward the positive - toward building himself up - claiming his authority and power to be what he wants to be instead of controlled by anger and self-hatred. He's a new man - finally! I am so proud of him. I know you can succeed at whatever you set your mind to do.
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it#2
- The American Psychiatric Association (APA) has noted that EMDR is effective for treating symptoms of acute and chronic PTSD. According to the APA, EMDR may be particularly useful for people who have trouble talking about the traumatic events they've experienced. The APA guidelines note that other research is needed to tell whether improvements from EMDR can be sustained over time.
- The Department of Veterans Affairs and the Department of Defense have jointly issued clinical practice guidelines. These guidelines "strongly recommended" EMDR for the treatment of PTSD in both military and non-military populations. They also note that this approach has been as effective as other psychological treatments in some studies, and less effective in others.
How Does EMDR Work?
Even the most enthusiastic supporters of EMDR have not agreed on how the therapy works. At this point, only theories exist. By inducing the recall of distressing events and diverting attention from their emotional consequences, EMDR in some respects borrows basic principles used in prolonged exposure therapy, the gold standard behavioral psychotherapeutic treatment of PTSD. Some therapists believe that EMDR reduces
anxiety. This allows patients to better take control of their upsetting thoughts. Others simply say that we don't yet understand how EMDR works. According to the APA guidelines, EMDR needs further study to more fully understand it.
