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Dealing with severe trust and anger issues.

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by DK9ine, Jun 12, 2020.

  1. DK9ine

    DK9ine New Member

    4
    +11
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Single
    Sorry if this post is long-winded I just have nowhere left to turn. My mother and sister (God forgive me for saying) are two of the most evil, manipulative and untrustworthy people I have ever met. For 25 years they have lied to me about everything, even the most minuscule things, some lies have been so large they have cost us our house numerous times, I've been near on the streets due to some of the lying. My mother is a control freak and will keep everything to herself, this resulted in my father leaving, her and my sister plot and make little schemes together, I know this information is a bit vague but theres too much to say and some information is so bad I can't really delve into it, I'd probably need a therapist. I'll leave just the latest thing she did as an example, my mother abandoned my pet out on the street when we moved yet again and then schemed with my sister saying it was at her flat and it had suddenly ran away, I flipped the lid and got the truth but you catch my drift (I can't find my animal now, hes gone). They say nobody can love you like your mother can but my mother has abused my mind so how can i trust anyone if i can even trust when my mum tells me it's her birthday. My mother has left me with deep seeded trust issues, I don't believe anything anyone says, all I do now is train and stick to the handful of close friends I have, I don't care about being close to anyone and can no longer form relationships because from all this i'd rather just be alone. Another thing is the anger it's caused me, before I was a really free, open minded person who loved life and was always smiling but now I have a serious anger issue, I can't attack my mother or sister but sometimes the rage is there and to avenue it I flip out and have destroyed the place a few times, I even broke my hand seriously punching a fire door, ruining my boxing career, I don't know what to do anymore, every time i calm down i feel awful and I beg god to forgive me but it's so hard, I don't know why this had to be my family, I'm scared im going to end up doing something I can't take back because everytime they say they will change I find out something new, it's really crushing my spirit. God has let me know hes with me and has done a lot for me but this anger is all consuming right now, I can't forgive or forget and I know I should, I'm lost for words.

    Sorry for the long post & thank you if you take the time to read it, can anybody help me with what to do? moving away isn't an option I need to be where I am and I don't want to abandon my mum as silly as that sounds I've tried to stay loyal, are these people demonic? do they know my spirit and are trying to break me? sometimes it really does feel that way.
     
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  2. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    +5,988
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Welcome to CF Glad that you are asking for advice.

    Really sorry that you are going through this. You are right - God is with you. Know you don't want to hear this but forgiving them and yourself is key. Encourage you to asks God for His peace. Listen to your favorite religious music more often.

    Basing this recommendation from I Sam 30. When David and his men returned to camp and found their dwellings burnt and their families gone, it states he and his men wept until they couldnt. His men, who had just fought with him, talked about killing him. Then David encouraged himself in the Lord. No details are given but he turned his focus from himself and the terrible situation to God.
     
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  3. pdudgeon

    pdudgeon Traditional Catholic Supporter

    +11,358
    United States
    Catholic
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    US-Republican
    I am sorry that you have grown up in such a hurtful family. But the main thing now is to find help; not just for everyday living (though you need that too) but help in finding a new family that can mentor you, and teach you how a family is supposed to function.

    The main reason you need that is so that you don't carry on the dysfunctionality that you have been taught, to a family of your own some day.

    And yes, find a therapist so that you can learn a constructive way to deal with the anger before it destroys you from the inside out.
     
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  4. chapmic

    chapmic Follower of Jesus Supporter

    +528
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    Married
    Thank you for sharing, I would definitely say if find a Christian counselor that can you help you overcome trust and anger issues. I want you to know that there is hope. I come from a divorced family and I also had trust issues with both my parents. When I was single I used to worry about being in a relationship because I was unsure I knew what a healthy marriage would look like and I got to point where I wasn't comfortable at all sharing my real feelings with anybody. What helped changed this viewpoint is reading the Bible, particular the scriptures about forgiveness. Jesus says sometimes you have to forgive others even when they don't deserve because they don't know what they are doing. It helped me change my perspectives on my parents, I used to view them as my protectors who failed me, after reading the bible I view them now as people who were struggling who were unsure about the best way to proceed. It helped me want to learn more about Jesus and how he set the example and how he provided healing to all of those who are struggling. We may not control what people do all the time but we can set the tone and be the light to help others see the right way. We can't keep planting the seed of righteousness and it will be up to the Lord to help it grow. I hope this encourages you and I will be praying for you and your family! God bless!
     
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  5. Arc F1

    Arc F1 Let the righteous man arise from slumber Supporter

    +2,136
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    One thing that you need to understand is that this is your life. There isn't anything that you can't do because of someone else's behavior. If you can't form relationships or be close to someone it's not the fault of others. This is something my father used to tell me when I was young. "there's only one person in this world that you can control and that's yourself". It's your life and all outcomes fall on your shoulders. God gives us free will to decide our own path. Use those bad experiences as a learning tool and don't make those mistakes in your life. Go forward and bring joy to everything that your life touches.

    If you wish to help your family then find out where the pain is coming from. Someone is hurting and they are trying to rid themselves of it by putting on you. Help them to see what's wrong and correct it. Don't make those same mistakes. Pray and ask God for help.
     
  6. DK9ine

    DK9ine New Member

    4
    +11
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Single
    Thank you for everybody who replied & I'm sorry for wasting you guys time, I know I need to forgive but in my downtime it all comes back, it's been happening since I was a little kid, first it started with bullying until I became to big to bully so now it feels like mental torture, I will try to ignore it and focus on getting myself right, I do help out with young kids learning to box and that has helped but I've been stuck in doors a lot due to the covid situation, I really feel embarrassed when I lash out because I should know better & it becomes hard to contact God because how does it look to act that way then try to ask the lord for help, I hope he understands I don't mean to act this way, I will stay with myself for now and try to avoid contact with family despite us being in the same house and let God work out the details, Hopefully one day I can find a new purpose to take my mind off of things, I'm sorry if my information was vague and hard to follow it's really hard to put 20+ years of emotional and mental torment into words without it feeling like scrabble, my mind gets all foggy when and I get angry whenever I start to type or talk about it, it's even hard to put it into words to God as well but I know he knows, I love all your kind words and really appreciate them, I will try to read the story of David and Job as much as I can as I know the feeling of crying till I cant no more. Whenever I flip out my family just sit there unbothered like it's nothing, whenever I try to explain peacefully how I feel it's the same unbothered nothingness and thats what enrages me the most, I try to be nice about it and they treat it like it's 'whatever' so I go off the handle and still the same, I wish I could make my mum understand the pain I feel but she's always so unbothered about everything, in fact most of the time she will say something to try make it worse, she will make up a lie or say something strategic to flip her own actions onto me snidely then go quiet, I cant put what i mean into words but thanks and lots of love to you all, I can express how thankful I am you guys took the time to respond
     
  7. eleos1954

    eleos1954 God is Love Supporter

    +4,375
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    US-Others
    Welcome to CF

    until you forgive .... you will harbor anger.

    Anger serves NO good purpose. Nothing you can do about them lying really ... but importantly you do need to overcome your anger.

    Acknowledge Your Anger
    Set Your Will to Forgive
    Pray the Prayer of Forgiveness
    Ask God to Help You Deal With Your Angry Feelings
    Refuse to Keep Thinking About the Offense

    May the Lord calm your mind and give you a heart of forgiveness.
     
  8. BC8486

    BC8486 New Member

    1
    +1
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Hi, I am dealing with depression and anxiety and came here to post. I noticed your post. I feel for you and experienced similar dynamics in my "family" I won't go into detail. Whatever, I share is only my view and not advice. First, it was my experience and also watching the dynamics in so many that it is very hard to forgive while this behavior is going on. Much easier to have a truly forgiving heart when you are out of the situation. Only u know if u Have to be there or not.

    Second, the guy who shared what his father taught him was -in my opinion- was Spot On. If u r @ a point where u can't trust others & form relationships it sounds as if u r giving them an awful lot of ur power away to them which is another reason to leave the home. It is ur life as he said, u don't want 2 look back in 5/10 yrs w/ this still going.
    u can work on the deep level forgiveness away from them. I try 2always remember there's a difference between forgiveness & reconciliation. 2 reconcile it takes 2. U can forgive without them. What helps me is 2 c if I contributed anything 2 the challenge & if not I c them as spiritually sick.

    Be there or leave u still would be best to set some boundaries and if u guys r living on top of each other it will b harder 2forgive & set boundaries. W/ me, it was my own neediness and false guilt that brought me bck to their home 4 2 long of visits & setting myself up.. Easy to see Now. I don't know what boundaries u can set, but they should be Christ-like. I think about Jesus offering his peace but also saying if the peace is not accepted wipe your feet and leave. I also as I read scripture except when it was 4 a direct purpose The Father and Son never allowed themselves to be manipulated or abused) (Obviously the Cross abuse was part of Jesus' purpose.)
    You did not ramble & did nothing wrong in sharing from my view. U shared ur pain.

    If u trained in boxing, u had to learn counter punching & move. If they (mom/sis) r punching there's a defensive technique to their behavior. Sounds like u r absorbing the blows & angry AFTER they hit u instead of counter and move.

    Do u ve a part in this, is placing urself in the home placing u in a vulnerable situation. IE r u enabling them 2behave this way?

    I hope I helped

    I hope something I shared helped. U may ve 2 accept (was t case w/ my family) the people r not spiritually healthy to have a relationship w/ as long as u have reached out & told them u r always there if they wnt 2 change their behavior. But that appears to be a step in this whole thing that can occur after u remove urself.
    Peace
     
  9. Joined2krist

    Joined2krist Well-Known Member CF Ambassadors Supporter

    +1,712
    Catholic
    Single
    Hi, I pray you forgive your mum and sister. If they always do things that set you off, you need to start considering moving out. This doesn't mean that you have abandoned your mother, it's better to do this than to harm them mistakenly as you feel you might do one day. God bless
     
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  10. Mountainmanbob

    Mountainmanbob Goat Whisperer Supporter

    +10,730
    United States
    Calvinist
    Married
    US-Republican
    I relate and know the pain of having a mother that is very hard to love at times.
    I know that the Bible says to honor my mother. Seems like a mean test at times but, it's not after some practice.

    I try to keep just enough distance so that she can't abuse me yet again. I don't want one of us to die while we are not talking.

    Determine a safe distance.
    Pray letting God know that we wish to love them
    but, it's darn hard at times.
    M
     
  11. Dr. Gluckenstein

    Dr. Gluckenstein New Member

    28
    +42
    United States
    Christian
    In Relationship
    US-Libertarian
    Truthfully, this is a dangerous situation. The fools will bring their own ruin, and you don't want any part in that. Is there any way you can leave? Maybe try to work and save up some money quietly and try to get a flat, maybe with some friends if you can bare it.
    //
    It's awesome that you have mates, though. Are they good, supportive, loyal, and care for you? With them might be a good plot of fertile ground to start learning how to trust others. Most people aren't like that, but there are seeds of evil that grow through people, oftentimes. Maybe, even, God may work on your mum and sister and turn their hearts; I pray He does for everyone's sake!
    //
    For now, I would do what you can not to be caught in any of their manipulation or evil. A huge part of manipulation is having a scapegoat (likely, you) and/or someone who they know is not on their side that they try to make out to be the villain (which can lead to a victimhood complex in some stay and marinade in these situations for a while, which can be very dangerous later on, as well). This will involve trying to make you mad and hurt so that you will lash out in anger, and they can roll over and play the victim. Don't get caught or entangled into this mess anymore. I pray God will cut you free as a bird from their evil actions.
    //
    It will be very devastating to know that your own family would treat you with such contempt. Why, my own flesh and blood? Sometimes being one with Christ will cause a separation from the family, as they reject your way of life for their own wickedness. Please do what you can to recover a healthy mindset, and don't become the victim in their story; if you do, you won't be free, but still a pawn of theirs by the title "victim", which, along with harboring resentment and unforgiveness, can turn you into a monster, similar to them, unfortunately.
    //
    If I were you, I would try to seek therapy and support from professionals and your buddies. I'm sure they want the best for you and don't want to see you hurt. It would definitely be good to forgive them, but you might find yourself in a place where you have to do some work emotionally to get yourself to that point. Although you may not be able to trust people, you know you can ALWAYS trust God. He ALWAYS wants the best for you.
    //
    Best of luck and God's purpose to you, sir!
    //
    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
    Jeremiah 29:11
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2021
  12. splish- splash

    splish- splash Master's protege. Happy 2022............. Supporter

    +1,301
    United Kingdom
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    The Lord is still with you yes in all of this..
     
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