Hello all, as some of you may know I live in a community of around 100 christians and ofcourse not everyone treats me as I would like.
There is a girl here who is 18 years old, has aspergers syndrome (like me) and initially we had a strong friendship but we began to become less close as time went on
she says things to me which are hurtful or offensive on a daily basis and I dont want to mention it to her because it will only provoke more ire between us.
how do you deal with this?
Hi Ben Collyer. I agree with Albion's response. If you have had a strong friendship then it is possible, I think, to confront her and tell her how you feel. Perhaps what you will hear from her is that she is feeling miserable. Maybe someone has been mean to her, and she is taking her anger and hate out on you. She wants other to be unhappy just like herself. But that doesn't justify her treating you the way she does. Whatever the answer is, if she is honest and opens up to you, if you confront her, at least you will know the reason behind it, and it makes it easier to deal with it, rather than the unknown. But there are no guarantees that she will open up and be honest. If only we knew how they would react!
I had an incident happen to me with someone recently. I have known this person for a super very long time, but I would only see them, maybe 1 or 2 times a year. This person always ignored me, and never seem interested in talking to me. They would present themselves as aloof and superior, so in essence they were a stranger to me. Naturally, I was hurt by this and felt rejected, but eventually through the years, I just accepted this and said to myself that this person had a different personality than me, and that we clashed, and that's ok. I was really ok with it because realistically not everybody can be friends.
Last year when I saw this person it was the first time they ever really talked to me, got to know me and treated me like I was a person. I don't know if it was because that person had just recovered from a very serious illness, and/or they were without their spouse, but it sure felt wierd and nice at the same time! I was in a position too to help them if they so desired, and related my own story of what I was sharing had helped me.
I just recently saw this person again one year later, and this person was friendly again, although it took them a long time to acknowledge me. They asked me how I was doing. I opened up to them about a problem I was having currently, and they were completely insensitive and bragged about things that they had or acquired that were what I was lacking. I even received some condescending advice. Prior to me opening up about my problem, we were talking about something else, and I was providing my feedback or opinion in a friendly way and they appeared offended. Because I am a recovering people pleaser I noticed this because I have a habit of scanning people's faces. Anyways, later as I was at home, I didn't feel good about this situation at all. It seemed to me that this person seems to think that only they can be superior, and that they can have opinions, and that I am not allowed to. Why? Because they were cold and mean to me when I was telling them about my problem. I felt hurt and it was really a slap in the face.
I feel like I had a light bulb moment a couple days later. In hindsight you can see that a person like this is 'winning' over you, making you feel small, but in reality this person is really an angry and selfish person and you really have to feel sad for them. They are miserable people and they cannot hold back enough self control whether it was intentioned or not. What I see is someone who tries to look and appear superior, but really they are not. I suddenly lost my fear of them, fear of them judging me, because I saw in a blink of an eye this revelation that they were a broken person, and that I had nothing to do with their comments or anything. What they said to me was a reflection of who they were, what they were judging of me was also a reflection of their heart, as well.
This helped me to separate myself from them and not take on their comments to me, as something personal. I stopped feeling bad and guilty and inferior. It helped me to realize that to let this person be a judge over me was ludicrous considering, also, that I also secretly judged her by her actions, in allowing myself to be hurt, initially. As part of the answer to the puzzle that was a very important piece that I was able to see that I was judging her, too. We all judge each other. Judging can be a good and a bad. We can go and act out what that that judge says in our head, or we can do something else with it. I feel like I have been set free from anyone judging me. I see the utter absurdity and insanity of it all.
I would say this to you. This is my opinion. If I had to see this person everyday and they were like what you described to me on a regular basis, I would try to cut them out, avoid them, or limit my time with them. These are boundaries, and they are good, and we all need them. I don't think that anyone like to be in a situation where some other person always has to be superior to you and degrades you and shows no compassion but brags instead wielding a knife into your aching stomach already. That is not a friend. The other choice is to confront them, and tell them how their behavior makes you feel. If it works out well, it could advance and deepen your friendship.
With friendships, I think in the end we should always strive to be Christlike and to be forgiving and to be generous and patient and long suffering knowing that we are all flawed. We all sin and we all make mistakes. However, if a behavior that is abusive or degrading is presented to you all the time, too often, or on a repeated basis, then I would say that action is very much needed. The other person may think that because you don't say anything, that you don't mind that they treat you like this, so they will keep on going. The person may be selfish, and not even realize what they are doing, and if you don't speak up, in some ways you are not loving them because you are letting them get away with it, and it stops their growth. Sometimes it's when we confront people that they start to respect us, as to the opposite. There are all types of other personalities out there as well, that are extremely dangerous like narcissists and sociopaths that no matter how nice you are, they will just eat you alive. Yes, even Christians. So whatever the case may be, you don't want to get to a point where you are spiraling down and deteriorating. At this point you have to evaluate what is going on, and deal with the situation with whatever action you deem is appropriate.
I hope I was able to provide you with a well rounded answer that will help you to develop what you think is right for your situation. I wish you all the very best in sorting it out, and for the very best outcome, and I wish you peace. Take care and Happy New Year!!
