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Dealing with my torture

Bluerose31

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I have been processing what was done to me and I see more and more it was torture. I was hurt constantly by the woman who tortured me. I never got any peace. She overfed me, beat me, didn't let me talk to my friends, told me I should kill myself, made me overdose on Advil twice, let her male friends rape me, she also raped me herself, she would not let me use the bathroom properly, she would call me fat and ugly, she would not let me leave her apartment without her, she would put tools in me sexually to cause me pain, she would say she would make me like the devil. She did this for many months. I know I am still traumatized by what she did. I keep trying to pray for her and forgive her but then when I think about everything she did to me I get very scared and cant pray for her or forgive her. I know she is still laughing at me and wishing ill of my life. She was an extremely evil woman. I know I am a changed person and something in me has died because of the torture. My torturer often said I should forgive her and then she would hit me or molest me. She did that many many times. She made me fear forgiving her by her hurting me while asking for forgiveness. Often times I still want to die. I wish I had died before I ever had to experience torture. I think she used forgiveness as a way of controlling me. She wanted me to always think about her, for the rest of my life. I cant explain how evil this woman is. It is hard to even express it. She was more evil than I can cope with and once again Jesus expressed to me that all I need to do is not wish ill will on her and he will take care of the rest.
 

Dave G.

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Well Bluerose, I would listen to Jesus more than your memories. Or lets just say pay more attention to Him because we know the memories are haunting.. Let Him be more real, He is with you here and now and that woman is not, only the memories are. Lets thank Him today and praise Him today that He says He will take care of this. All He has asked is to forgive, you only need to do that the one time, then let that go off with Jesus Christ our savior.. And then to not wish ill upon this woman because He will be in charge of that part.. I'm not in your shoes, plus am not a woman, I don't know that my words can help a lot but I know that Jesus can. In his name let's Pray: Jesus we come before you seeking a little peace in the heart of Bluerose, She is a dear servant of yours and trusts in you and is following your will in this matter, would you help her today Lord ? Clear her memory sooner than later Lord, ease the mental pain and angquish, bring in a spirit of calm and peace to her heart. Amen
 
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Bluerose31

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Well Bluerose, I would listen to Jesus more than your memories. Or lets just say pay more attention to Him because we know the memories are haunting.. Let Him be more real, He is with you here and now and that woman is not, only the memories are. Lets thank Him today and praise Him today that He says He will take care of this. All He has asked is to forgive, you only need to do that the one time, then let that go off with Jesus Christ our savior.. And then to not wish ill upon this woman because He will be in charge of that part.. I'm not in your shoes, plus am not a woman, I don't know that my words can help a lot but I know that Jesus can. In his name let's Pray: Jesus we come before you seeking a little peace in the heart of Bluerose, She is a dear servant of yours and trusts in you and is following your will in this matter, would you help her today Lord ? Clear her memory sooner than later Lord, ease the mental pain and angquish, bring in a spirit of calm and peace to her heart. Amen
Thank you so much Dave for this response. You are right, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and listen to him more than my memories. And you are right, all Jesus asked is for me to forgive and I can do it one time and then let that go off with Jesus Christ our savior. Thank you also for the beautiful prayer, it comforted my heart. Thank you for your compassion and insight. God bless you.
 
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brinny

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:heart: Rose, let go and release all of it to Jesus. It's HIS "realm", not yours. Leave it ALL with Him; praying that He takes it from you. You are still recovering. It will take time. It is a miracle that you survived. You are a "survivor". There is a REASON for this. in spite of all the horrendous traumas that you endured, in so many ways, God can transform it, just as it is written, that He can raise beauty from ashes. He can. And He will. It takes time. In the meantime, praying that He and His tremendous heart for you, fills your heart, mind, and soul, and that He evicts the abuser from the stronghold that she has on you. Freedom is what Jesus is all about, dear one, from ALL strong holds and strangle holds. May you find refuge under His wings, and protection, as He defends you from all that would harm you or cause you fear. Praying that any strong holds are released and that He grants you wisdom, discernment, and clarity, as healing commences. Father may it be so, in Jesus name, amen. (((hug)))

iu
 
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Bluerose31

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:heart: Rose, let go and release all of it to Jesus. It's HIS "realm", not yours. Leave it ALL with Him; praying that He takes it from you. You are still recovering. It will take time. It is a miracle that you survived. You are a "survivor". There is a REASON for this. in spite of all the horrendous traumas that you endured, in so many ways, God can transform it, just as it is written, that He can raise beauty from ashes. He can. And He will. It takes time. In the meantime, praying that He and His tremendous heart for you, fills your heart, mind, and soul, and that He evicts the abuser from the stronghold that she has on you. Freedom is what Jesus is all about, dear one, from ALL strong holds and strangle holds. May you find refuge under His wings, and protection, as He defends you from all that would harm you or cause you fear. Praying that any strong holds are released and that He grants you wisdom, discernment, and clarity, as healing commences. Father may it be so, in Jesus name, amen. (((hug)))

iu
Thank you so much Brinny for these words and this beautiful posting about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. I want that to be me. I will release it all to Jesus. Thank you for saying that I am a survivor and that God will give me beauty for ashes. I pray in agreement with you that any strongholds are released. God bless you Brinny.
 
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brinny

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Thank you so much Brinny for these words and this beautiful posting about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. I want that to be me. I will release it all to Jesus. Thank you for saying that I am a survivor and that God will give me beauty for ashes. I pray in agreement with you that any strongholds are released. God bless you Brinny.

:heart: Yes you are a survivor, and inch by inch like a caterpillar crawling along a branch (sometimes seeming miniscule inching forward) He is healing you. In His inexplicable timing. You are a survivor and all the horrendous traumas of tsunami-like proportions that you endured are not for nought. He DOES raise beauty from ashes. Praying, dear heart (((hug)))
butterfly-flying.gif
 
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