Dealing with my married pastor

[Nicole1993]

I need some advice from my fellow Christians on what to do in this situation. I have belonged to a church with my husband for a couple years that we love dearly. The doctrine is sound and we can tell we’re growing at a much faster rate than any other church we’ve been to.

Ever since I first met the pastor of this church, I noticed we have similar personalities. Open, humorous, and like to talk. We seem mutually attracted to each other physically as well. He has made brief comments like you look pretty today but nothing out of the way. My husband and I have formed a close friendship with the pastor and his wife to the point we hang out on days other than church, to have dinner or kayak.

Now, the problem. The pastor and I enjoy talking to each other bc we seem to connect very well. But I’ve noticed when we talk on a regular basis (just in person, never online and only text on a rare occasion about church related things. Like once a month, a couple texts, no deep conversation), we can be a touch flirty. I sometimes initiate it although he seems to be the one initiating most often. Either way, it happens. Never super inappropriate but enough so that I’ve realized it’s disrespectful to God, to my husband, and to the pastors wife. He winks at me often and tends to gravitate toward me anytime we have church get togethers to talk. The most inappropriate conversation we had recently was when he had preached on 1 Corinthians 6-7 and I joked telling him Ive had to use the scripture about having authority over your husbands body on my husband several times this week. And he said I’m glad to see I gave you some scripture to whip him into shape this week. We both did our usual grin then distanced again as I felt we could both feel the conversation wasn’t appropriate. My fault that time and I recognize that. I haven’t said anything else to him besides a vague greeting and most definitely nothing else inappropriate.

I’ve began to distance myself from him at church and I can tell he has too. We just do a typical hi, how are you when we come through the door. I’ve talked to my husband about it and he says he notices the flirtation between us but my husband is a very laid back guy and nothing bothers him. I have talked with my husband to help me and let me know if he notices me acting that way so I can recognize it quickly and stop. We have been going to this church for about 2 years and the pastor and I go through phases where we will be a little flirty, we both appear to recognize it and distance ourselves, we eventually get friendly again to the point of just being a brother and sister friendship, and then we find ourselves being a touch flirty again. The pattern seems to repeat. I really think if I just come out and say “hey, I’m sorry for being a little inappropriate like I find myself being sometimes. I recognize it’s not the way a child of God should act and I was hoping we could both just agree not to act in any inappropriate way to each other” that would help. I just hate how we tend to repeat this pattern of getting close as friends, then being a bit flirty, then distancing ourselves. I just want a normal friendship with him. I love his advice and I have no doubt he’s a legit man of God, despite his flirtatious tendencies. He never seems to have any real intent to act on them, but I also would never want us to be alone together. I can tell he feels as ashamed as I do when we do talk a little flirty. But it’s like we can’t bring ourselves to talk about it and lay down boundaries, maybe because of embarrassment.

Should I just pray and keep distancing until we naturally come together again as friends and better guard my mouth from here on out? Even including not responding to any flirty stuff he may say or do. He winked at me once and I just looked away and he asked why I was down today. For me it’d just be easier to lay down boundaries instead of having to coldly reject anything he says or does that’s inappropriate every time. I don’t want to make things weird between us but it’s already weird every time we find ourselves distancing from each other. Suggestions?

 

[jacks]

That's a tough situation and I'm sure you will get some sound advice. My only comment is it takes two to flirt. If you really want it to stop, just don't respond to any flirtatious comments in a positive way. (Smiling, another comment, certain eye contact, etc.) I think he will get the idea pretty quickly. Doesn't sound like he is a lecher and simple flirting is fairly easy to discourage.

 

[Michie]

I need some advice from my fellow Christians on what to do in this situation. I have belonged to a church with my husband for a couple years that we love dearly. The doctrine is sound and we can tell we’re growing at a much faster rate than any other church we’ve been to. We’re both 27 and the pastor at our church is 40, just to give you an idea on our age/maturity level.

Ever since I first met the pastor of this church, I noticed we have similar personalities. Open, humorous, and like to talk. We seem mutually attracted to each other physically as well. I’ve never told him that but I am physically attracted to him. He has made brief comments like you look pretty today so I know the attraction is there. My husband and I have formed a close friendship with the pastor and his wife to the point we hang out on days other than church, to kayak or just have dinner.

Now, the problem. The pastor and I enjoy talking to each other bc we seem to connect very well. But I’ve noticed when we talk on a regular basis (just in person, never online and only text on a rare occasion about church related things. Like once a month, a couple texts, no deep conversation), he can be a touch flirty. And I usually feed into it and am also flirty with him, sometimes initiating it although he seems to be the one initiating most often. Never super inappropriate but enough so that I’ve realized it’s disrespectful to God, to my husband, and to the pastors wife. He winks at me often and tends to gravitate toward me anytime we have church get togethers. The most inappropriate conversation we had recently was when he had preached on 1 Corinthians 6-7 and I joked telling him Ive had to use the scripture about having authority over your husbands body on my husband several times this week. And he said I’m glad to see I gave you some scripture to whip him into shape this week. We both did our usual grin then distanced again as I felt we could both feel the conversation wasn’t appropriate. My fault that time but there have been many instances where he has said small comments like that to me as well.

I’ve began to distance myself from him at church and I can tell he has too. We just do a typical hi, how are you when we come through the door. I’ve talked to my husband about it and he says he notices the flirtation between us but my husband is a very laid back guy and nothing bothers him. It bothers me as a Christian of course. We have been going to this church for about 2 years and the pastor and I go through phases where we will be a little flirty, we both appear to recognize it and distance ourselves, we eventually get friendly again to the point of just being a brother and sister friendship, and then we find ourselves being a touch flirty again. The pattern seems to repeat. I really think if I just come out and say “hey, I’m sorry for being a little inappropriate like I find myself being sometimes. I recognize it’s not the way a child of God should act and I was hoping we could both just agree not to act in any inappropriate way to each other” that would help. I just hate how we tend to repeat this pattern of getting close as friends, then being a bit flirty, then distancing ourselves. I just want a normal friendship with him. I love his advice and I have no doubt he’s a legit man of God, despite his flirtatious tendencies. He never seems to have any real intent to act on them, but I also would never want us to be alone together. I can tell he feels as ashamed as I do when we do talk a little flirty. But it’s like we can’t bring ourselves to talk about it and lay down boundaries, maybe because of embarrassment.

Should I just pray and keep distancing until we naturally come together again as friends and better guard my mouth from here on out? Even including not responding to any flirty stuff he may say or do. He winked at me once and I just looked away and he asked why I was down today. For me it’d just be easier to lay down boundaries instead of having to coldly reject anything he says or does that’s inappropriate every time. I don’t want to make things weird between us but it’s already weird every time we find ourselves distancing from each other. Suggestions?

Just be a parishioner. He says something flirty, just say- nice taking to you and walk away. And stop using Scripture to flirt yourself. You BOTH are walking on thin ice. Think of how your husband feels. Think of how the pastor’s wife feels. How would you feel seeing your husband do the same thing? Stop entertaining it because you are or find a different Church you can attend. Pretty simple actually.

 

[tturt]

My goodness, encourage you to asks the Lord about which church He wants you to attend, repent, and thank the Lord for your husband.

Highly recommend watching "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar. Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc.

There's hundreds on youtube.

 

[Llleopard]

Or you can be really honest to your husband and explain that you need him to take this seriously not just opt out. Enlist his help to decide what the boundaries for yourself are, and ask him to help keep you on track by bringing it to your attention if you're coming across flirty. Ask him to step up and protect you and your marriage (and the other couple) by being on the lookout for the guy (having a title like pastor doesn't make him special and above needing firm handling)overstepping the mark, and to firmly tell the guy to cut it out the next time it happens, and more firmly if he's cocky enough to overstep again. Ask your husband to protect you by making sure you don't get put into one on one's with this guy any time anywhere, and get some new friends if you need to. Overall, just stop it. You know it is damaging, so take strong action with yourself.

 

[mmksparbud]

I need some advice from my fellow Christians on what to do in this situation. I have belonged to a church with my husband for a couple years that we love dearly. The doctrine is sound and we can tell we’re growing at a much faster rate than any other church we’ve been to. We’re both 27 and the pastor at our church is 40, just to give you an idea on our age/maturity level.

Ever since I first met the pastor of this church, I noticed we have similar personalities. Open, humorous, and like to talk. We seem mutually attracted to each other physically as well. I’ve never told him that but I am physically attracted to him. He has made brief comments like you look pretty today so I know the attraction is there. My husband and I have formed a close friendship with the pastor and his wife to the point we hang out on days other than church, to kayak or just have dinner.

Now, the problem. The pastor and I enjoy talking to each other bc we seem to connect very well. But I’ve noticed when we talk on a regular basis (just in person, never online and only text on a rare occasion about church related things. Like once a month, a couple texts, no deep conversation), he can be a touch flirty. And I usually feed into it and am also flirty with him, sometimes initiating it although he seems to be the one initiating most often. Never super inappropriate but enough so that I’ve realized it’s disrespectful to God, to my husband, and to the pastors wife. He winks at me often and tends to gravitate toward me anytime we have church get togethers. The most inappropriate conversation we had recently was when he had preached on 1 Corinthians 6-7 and I joked telling him Ive had to use the scripture about having authority over your husbands body on my husband several times this week. And he said I’m glad to see I gave you some scripture to whip him into shape this week. We both did our usual grin then distanced again as I felt we could both feel the conversation wasn’t appropriate. My fault that time but there have been many instances where he has said small comments like that to me as well.

I’ve began to distance myself from him at church and I can tell he has too. We just do a typical hi, how are you when we come through the door. I’ve talked to my husband about it and he says he notices the flirtation between us but my husband is a very laid back guy and nothing bothers him. It bothers me as a Christian of course. We have been going to this church for about 2 years and the pastor and I go through phases where we will be a little flirty, we both appear to recognize it and distance ourselves, we eventually get friendly again to the point of just being a brother and sister friendship, and then we find ourselves being a touch flirty again. The pattern seems to repeat. I really think if I just come out and say “hey, I’m sorry for being a little inappropriate like I find myself being sometimes. I recognize it’s not the way a child of God should act and I was hoping we could both just agree not to act in any inappropriate way to each other” that would help. I just hate how we tend to repeat this pattern of getting close as friends, then being a bit flirty, then distancing ourselves. I just want a normal friendship with him. I love his advice and I have no doubt he’s a legit man of God, despite his flirtatious tendencies. He never seems to have any real intent to act on them, but I also would never want us to be alone together. I can tell he feels as ashamed as I do when we do talk a little flirty. But it’s like we can’t bring ourselves to talk about it and lay down boundaries, maybe because of embarrassment.

Should I just pray and keep distancing until we naturally come together again as friends and better guard my mouth from here on out? Even including not responding to any flirty stuff he may say or do. He winked at me once and I just looked away and he asked why I was down today. For me it’d just be easier to lay down boundaries instead of having to coldly reject anything he says or does that’s inappropriate every time. I don’t want to make things weird between us but it’s already weird every time we find ourselves distancing from each other. Suggestions?

Yah---stay away from him!! You do not need advice about this---you know very well you are on dangerous ground and to continue will end badly. You know what to do, this is not rocket science, there is nothing vague about this. Get yourself away from this or you will end up the farthest from God that you can get.

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

That is a hard situation. I had something similar. I have a female colleague that I really get on with, and when we worked together, it was always very pleasant. She is a hard worker, and I looked forward to days we were together. There certainly was some attraction there, and every time I noticed it, I had to force myself to shut it down, by will. Although I never discussed this with my wife, she noticed of own accord. I transferred eventually, unrelated to this story, and only had rare contact afterwards when she asked for advice or so. By the vagaries of career, she ended up in my department once more, and though we shall rarely work together now and I enjoy her company, I know to be wary around her.

There will always be temptation, and humans are prone to sin. It is not always possible to avoid temptation completely, but if you have a weakness for chocolate cake, you don't buy it and keep it on the counter.

It seems as if you are happy with the church, and except for some flirtation, nothing of import has occured. So I would suggest to limit the possibility for something else to happen - only meet at Church events, not socially; don't meet without a spouse present; that sort of thing. We are not automatons unable to control ourselves, so when you feel a line is being crossed - shut it down immediately. Even if you left somewhere else, Sin can always find us. The opportunities are legion, so best train yourself to oppose it. Minimise your opportunities to sin, but it is impossible to avoid temptations completely. Pray and let Christ strengthen you. If this church is as Godly as you say, then perhaps this can be practice for when other temptations comes your way. Even if you have to be terse, we usually know when we are crossing or have crossed a line, and then you must beat a hasty retreat. Temptation does not get any easier, but if you feed it, it gets worse.

 

[Nicole1993]

Just be a parishioner. He says something flirty, just say- nice taking to you and walk away. And stop using Scripture to flirt yourself. You BOTH are walking on thin ice. Think of how your husband feels. Think of how the pastor’s wife feels. How would you feel seeing your husband do the same thing? Stop entertaining it because you are or find a different Church you can attend. Pretty simple actually.

I don’t know if you read my post, but I have recognized the flirtation as extremely disrespectful to my husband and to the pastors wife. I have talked thoroughly about this with my husband and have told him to please let me know if he ever senses me being that way again, although I pray he Will never have to because I intend to be completely appropriate around my pastor from here on out. My main question is should I just completely ignore him or actually address it, bc I think it’s clear we both know it’s happening. I think not addressing it is why we tend to find ourselves doing it again over time.

 

[Michie]

I don’t know if you read my post, but I have recognized the flirtation as extremely disrespectful to my husband and to the pastors wife. I have talked thoroughly about this with my husband and have told him to please let me know if he ever senses me being that way again, although I pray he Will never have to because I intend to be completely appropriate around my pastor from here on out. My main question is should I just completely ignore him or actually address it, bc I think it’s clear we both know it’s happening. I think not addressing it is why we tend to find ourselves doing it again over time.

It’s up to you. I really see no point in it. You know it’s wrong. Surely you can control it can’t you? Many people address things which only adds fuel to the fire. I find it incredibly disappointing that a supposed shepherd is flirting with his flock. And- you do not know his history. He’s most likely has done this before. If anyone addresses him, it should be your husband. Not you.

 

[Nicole1993]

Yah---stay away from him!! You do not need advice about this---you know very well you are on dangerous ground and to continue will end badly. You know what to do, this is not rocket science, there is nothing vague about this. Get yourself away from this or you will end up the farthest from God that you can get.

I completely realize flirtation is dangerous ground. I’ve spent plenty of time reading the scripture and understanding what may seem small and harmless can actually turn into something much worse. I just don’t want to lose my friendship with the pastor but I’m starting to think if we can’t seem to be just friends without any flirtation, it’s probably for the best for us to just keep distancing and ignoring each other. No friendship is worth distancing myself from God.

 

[Nicole1993]

It’s up to you. I really see no point in it. You know it’s wrong. Surely you can control it can’t you? Many people address things which only adds fuel to the fire. I find it incredibly disappointing that a supposed shepherd is flirting with his flock. And- you do not know his history. He’s most likely has done this before. If anyone addresses him, it should be your husband. Not you.

Thank you. I will take your advice and just not address it. My husband is a very quiet man and would never address something like that until it was way past the point of addressing. My pastor always preaches to hold him accountable if he does anything out of the way, I think he would respond in a very respectful manner but just in case I’ll just continue to always make sure nothing I say crosses a line and distance myself.

 

[JohnDB]

I completely realize flirtation is dangerous ground. I’ve spent plenty of time reading the scripture and understanding what may seem small and harmless can actually turn into something much worse. I just don’t want to lose my friendship with the pastor but I’m starting to think if we can’t seem to be just friends without any flirtation, it’s probably for the best for us to just keep distancing and ignoring each other. No friendship is worth distancing myself from God.

Oh yeah...
You don't ever ever want to be "that woman".
Those sorts of things follow you for the rest of your life...and you will have a miserable one after an inappropriate relationship.
Seen that play out a few times.

But the flirting usually is a symptom of some other problem...
Some need you perceive that your husband isn't fulfilling and you are seeking it elsewhere. Now that need may be genuine or false. Your husband may actually be fulfilling that need the best he can and you just aren't recognizing it.

Same goes for the pastor.

In the meantime...
Love your husband a bit harder... focusing on what not to do is usually unsuccessful...but positive actions and focus to where you remove the negative ones by leaving no room for them is usually successful.

Recognize the danger. A relationship with your pastor is like playing with explosives...they blow up and destroy everything around them... including you.

 

[Nicole1993]

Oh yeah...
You don't ever ever want to be "that woman".
Those sorts of things follow you for the rest of your life...and you will have a miserable one after an inappropriate relationship.
Seen that play out a few times.

But the flirting usually is a symptom of some other problem...
Some need you perceive that your husband isn't fulfilling and you are seeking it elsewhere. Now that need may be genuine or false. Your husband may actually be fulfilling that need the best he can and you just aren't recognizing it.

Same goes for the pastor.

In the meantime...
Love your husband a bit harder... focusing on what not to do is usually unsuccessful...but positive actions and focus to where you remove the negative ones by leaving no room for them is usually successful.

Recognize the danger. A relationship with your pastor is like playing with explosives...they blow up and destroy everything around them... including you.

Thank you John. I have been doing a lot of self examination and have seen I think the deeper problem lies within my own marriage, which I also have spoke to my husband about. Intimacy is very rare and my husband shows really no interest in me most of the time. He never compliments me so when other men do, it feels nice. I also feel like I have to force intimacy out of him which makes it almost unenjoyable. We think it’s medication related and we’re going to ask his PCP to switch his anxiety med, which is all he takes. I’m not excusing me being flirtatious because of any this but I can see how it all plays in to my behavior at times. So we’re working on both our marriage and me distancing myself from any tempting situations. I really pray all this keeps my mind and behavior holy and I don’t find myself drifting. Thank you all for your hard but good advice!

 

[mina]

Delete his number from your phone. Make new friends to hang out socially with as a couple. Don't be alone with him to discuss anything. Protect your marriage.

 

[Endeavourer]

Thank you John. I have been doing a lot of self examination and have seen I think the deeper problem lies within my own marriage, which I also have spoke to my husband about. Intimacy is very rare and my husband shows really no interest in me most of the time. He never compliments me so when other men do, it feels nice. I also feel like I have to force intimacy out of him which makes it almost unenjoyable. We think it’s medication related and we’re going to ask his PCP to switch his anxiety med, which is all he takes. I’m not excusing me being flirtatious because of any this but I can see how it all plays in to my behavior at times. So we’re working on both our marriage and me distancing myself from any tempting situations. I really pray all this keeps my mind and behavior holy and I don’t find myself drifting. Thank you all for your hard but good advice!

You have wisely recognized the root of a problem in your marriage, but this isn't the reason you are flirting with the pastor. The reason is poor boundaries. You need better boundaries with other men, and have crossed a line with this one. As good as this church has been for you, the Lord would not have you stay in a place where you are a danger to yourself and your marriage. Once you cross a line with another man it's important to stay away from him and not have social (or work) contact, and certainly not listen to him preach every Sunday anymore. I'm sorry, but that is your new reality.

With respect to the root problem in your marriage, what do you think of these articles?
The Most Important Emotional Needs : Marriage Builders, Inc.
The Policy of Undivided Attention : Marriage Builders, Inc.

 

[NerdGirl]

... I also would never want us to be alone together.

This is all I need to hear. You need to find a different church. Now. This should not have carried on this long as it is, and I think you've taken advantage of your husband's trusting nature, to be honest.

 

[Nicole1993]

My plan is to completely distance myself from the pastor and only greet him if he walks in my path. Other than that, I intend to completely part from any close friendship or conversation. When he’s preaching, I don’t see him in any attractive way. He’s just my pastor, preaching from the Bible and his preaching is so helpful to me. He addresses sexual immorality and owns up to his own faults in the pulpit, including fighting lust. It’s just when we’re around each other in casual situations that we find ourselves being flirty. So I think as long as we don’t hang out outside of church anymore, it should solve the issue. Like I said, I can’t imagine going to a different church. I agree that I have poor boundaries but I actually only find myself having poor boundaries with him. I think going to a different church is a bit drastic. I can’t run from all men and for the most part I trust myself. The comment about being alone with him is more so if he crossed a line. I can’t say what I would do in that situation, which is why I will do whatever I can to never be in that situation. I have never cheated on my husband even when I was lost, and don’t think I would ever have it in me to do so now as a Christian. I know I would never cross a line physically myself. As for my husband, I told him recently my inner thoughts to the point of telling him I am concerned to be alone with the pastor. I have definitely taken advantage of his trust in the past, but now I’ve laid my darkest thoughts out to him and I think he knows to not trust the situation blindly.

 

[Endeavourer]

Nicole, you are kidding yourself.

The comment about being alone with him is more so if he crossed a line.

You have already crossed this line. And so has he.

I know I would never cross a line physically myself. As for my husband, I told him recently my inner thoughts to the point of telling him I am concerned to be alone with the pastor. I have definitely taken advantage of his trust in the past, but now I’ve laid my darkest thoughts out to him and I think he knows to not trust the situation blindly.

Affairs start out with relationships just like yours with this pastor did. And then you know it's not quite right but you kid yourself into thinking change is too big of effort because... secretly .... you don't want to give up the hits on your substance.

Affairs are addictions that you grow into, and that cloud realistic thinking. Your post shows a lot of cloudy thinking. You are headed for a heartbreak, and headed towards imposing upon your husband the worst pain he's experienced in his whole life. It's just not worth it.

Extract yourself now before you do more damage to your marriage and yourself. The body of Christ is certainly broad enough that you can find another fellowship. Don't kid yourself otherwise. That you aren't doing a good job of kidding us on this matter shows how cloudy you already are.

 

[Endeavourer]

As for my husband, I told him recently my inner thoughts to the point of telling him I am concerned to be alone with the pastor. I have definitely taken advantage of his trust in the past, but now I’ve laid my darkest thoughts out to him and I think he knows to not trust the situation blindly.

I highly commend you for this. This is a great first step. Most people don't do this, to their peril, and the affair continues to bloom. The person who would be most affected by an affair should be immediately informed that one is in danger of forming.

Did you tell him the following?

He winks at me often and tends to gravitate toward me anytime we have church get togethers to talk.

The most inappropriate conversation we had recently was when he had preached on 1 Corinthians 6-7 and I joked telling him Ive had to use the scripture about having authority over your husbands body on my husband several times this week. And he said I’m glad to see I gave you some scripture to whip him into shape this week. We both did our usual grin then distanced again as I felt we could both feel the conversation wasn’t appropriate.

I go through phases where we will be a little flirty, we both appear to recognize it and distance ourselves, we eventually get friendly again to the point of just being a brother and sister friendship, and then we find ourselves being a touch flirty again. The pattern seems to repeat.

If you told your husband that you felt being in the presence of the pastor was a danger to yourself and your marriage would he be willing to change churches?

Once a couple has been affected by an affair, it's best to move to another state so neither the betrayed spouse nor the wayward spouse ever see the other person again, so their recovering marriage can be free of triggers that set it back. It is **much** easier to change churches now than disrupt you whole life later.... if your husband would have the desire to repair your marriage after an affair instead of go through a divorce.

 

[Nicole1993]

I highly commend you for this. This is a great first step. Most people don't do this, to their peril, and the affair continues to bloom. The person who would be most affected by an affair should be immediately informed that one is in danger of forming.

Did you tell him the following?







If you told your husband that you felt being in the presence of the pastor was a danger to yourself and your marriage would he be willing to change churches?

Once a couple has been affected by an affair, it's best to move to another state so neither the betrayed spouse nor the wayward spouse ever see the other person again, so their recovering marriage can be free of triggers that set it back. It is **much** easier to change churches now than disrupt you whole life later.... if your husband would have the desire to repair your marriage after an affair instead of go through a divorce.

Yes, everything I’ve mentioned on here I’ve also told my husband. He is never concerned with anything because I have always had such a guilty conscious I end up telling him everything. I think that’s why he trusts me so much. But I told him, I’m putting a stop to this situation. Besides inappropriate comments in person/winks/eye contact, the pastor and I have never touched each other or messaged through texts or social media in any inappropriate way. I just don’t think going to a different church is what I need to do. I can control myself. The fruit of the spirit is self control. But I also understand not to put myself in tempting situations, which is why I intend to only greet him if there’s no way I can avoid that. And I can tell by the pastors behavior the past couple Sundays, I believe he’s thinking the same. If we were to ever flirt in any way again, I’ll ask my husband to find a different church. As of now, my husband is completely content with staying where we’re at. I’ll be praying on it for sure. I just think I could go to any other church and find the same situation. It’s a heart/sin issue, not a people issue. And I really am working and praying on that.