Dealing with ex dating again

[alie123]

Hello everyone
I have turned to this forum for some advice and prayers.
I have been an excruciating breakup with someone I considered my other half. He was everything I had wished for in a man. The relationship ended due to my own issues and nit being sure of the relationship lasting due to long-distance. He felt hurt that I had doubts.
Now 5 months later I have found out that he is dating a girl, who is one of his friends. She was there also during my relationship with him and I can't help but feel betrayed, that he got close to her when I really took my time to process everything alone. He kept giving me hope even after the breakup that we would find a way back to eachother. Now I realise that he was already involved with her.
I have been praying a lot lately, and I m trying to be grateful for what I have. I m praying and thanking for the life I have, which looking back has improved a lot. Still I feel like I can't deal with this pain and envy, it is eating me up from the inside. I find myself thinking of them us a couple and living the life we once had, while I'm still grieving the loss of a significant relationship.
I need some guidance to deal with these feelings. I keep thinking of her as his new big love and the fact, that at the end he was angry at me for giving up on us. Then I question his love, sincd he moved on while I was waiting. I even asked for a second chance a few months ago, and I meant it. He was angry though and stated he moved on.
Please help me. I have been visiting church with some good friends the last weeks and have been telling God to do as He wishes. I can't deal with these thoughts of mine though, it's as if my head and heart are not in the same place. My friends tell me that God has something better in store for me, but I find it hard to believe
I would be happy to hear how you have dealt with heartbreak.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Heartbreak is very, very hard. But God can and will pull you through it.

One thing I would *definitely* recommend, is pulling back from social media, if you're following him or able to see what he's doing via Facebook or Instagram or something. Just pull back. Unfriend him if you haven't yet, or just give yourself a social media break all together.

I have found that pulling away from reminders of that person helps the healing begin quicker.

Also, listening to Christian music when you feel alone or sad helps, too. Jesus is your Best Friend, Spouse, and Savior. Lean on Him, and He'll help you!

 

[Albion]

Hello everyone
I have turned to this forum for some advice and prayers.
I have been an excruciating breakup with someone I considered my other half. He was everything I had wished for in a man. The relationship ended due to my own issues and nit being sure of the relationship lasting due to long-distance. He felt hurt that I had doubts.
Now 5 months later I have found out that he is dating a girl, who is one of his friends. She was there also during my relationship with him and I can't help but feel betrayed, that he got close to her when I really took my time to process everything alone. He kept giving me hope even after the breakup that we would find a way back to eachother. Now I realise that he was already involved with her.
I have been praying a lot lately, and I m trying to be grateful for what I have. I m praying and thanking for the life I have, which looking back has improved a lot. Still I feel like I can't deal with this pain and envy, it is eating me up from the inside. I find myself thinking of them us a couple and living the life we once had, while I'm still grieving the loss of a significant relationship.
I need some guidance to deal with these feelings. I keep thinking of her as his new big love and the fact, that at the end he was angry at me for giving up on us. Then I question his love, sincd he moved on while I was waiting. I even asked for a second chance a few months ago, and I meant it. He was angry though and stated he moved on.
Please help me. I have been visiting church with some good friends the last weeks and have been telling God to do as He wishes. I can't deal with these thoughts of mine though, it's as if my head and heart are not in the same place. My friends tell me that God has something better in store for me, but I find it hard to believe
I would be happy to hear how you have dealt with heartbreak.

Sometimes these kinds of tragedies happen, and there is no saving them. Time will tend to heal this wound, and so would someone new coming into your life (which will happen).

Friends will give you moral support, but understanding that the passage of time and being careful not to become a recluse while you are hurting can help a lot. Like it or not, we sometimes have to live through these episodes. In the process we just need to avoid doing anything crazy or impetuous.

 

[solid_core]

He was everything I had wished for in a man.
...He kept giving me hope even after the breakup that we would find a way back to eachother. Now I realise that he was already involved with her.
...he was angry
...he moved on while I was waiting.
... I even asked for a second chance a few months ago, and I meant it. He was angry

Does not seem to be such a good man, after all.

And a good advice - never fall in love with anybody who is not you husband. Sex and love belong to marriage only. You will end up in pains and you take away exclusivity of your feelings from your future husband.

 

[Kris Jordan]

Hi Alie123,

I think one of the best things you can do, aside from praying and trusting God with your future and relationships to come, is what Gracia said.

Keeping tabs on his life, happenings, love interests, activities, etc. just keeps putting salt on your already-open wound. Shutting yourself off to being kept abreast of those things, whether it's through conversations with mutual friends about him, or social media influences (or whatever) will definitely help you move forward and stop adding insult to injury.

He has moved on. Part of your healing will come from accepting that and allowing yourself to grieve what once was. Seeing what he is doing with someone else only prolongs that process while making it more painful and drawn out for you along the way.

One last thing. Him being with someone else doesn't take away from what you two had together. It doesn't nullify it, even though it might feel like it. Satan wants you to think the worst of yourself and what you had with him while inflating and exaggerating what he currently has with someone else. Don't let yourself go there. It's not worth it.

 

[Dave-W]

never fall in love with anybody who is not you husband. Sex and love belong to marriage only.

? ? ? ?

You do not marry someone if you are not first in love with them.
And they with you.

 

[solid_core]

? ? ? ?

You do not marry someone if you are not first in love with them.
And they with you.

Thats actually wrong and a bad habit producing all the confusion and divorces around us. "I feel love, so I will marry you. And now I do not feel that love anymore, so I will leave you".

The promise of love is a wedding promise. Falling in love and having sex before marriage is a modern style of dating and we can see its fruit everywhere. Bond is created before its time.

 

[Dave-W]

I said nothing about sex. And the love that is commanded is NOT romantic love. It is christian agape love which is not emotional.

 

[ajcarey]

I think it's clear by what you wrote that you had idealized this relationship in your own mind as something great that it actually wasn't in reality. He was not really your ideal man, just possibly the best you thought you could have at the time. You are probably more hurt by the reality setting in that this relationship was never anything special at all rather than the fact that it is over. Otherwise this guy dating again wouldn't get under your skin much because if it were the relationship itself ending that had hurt you, then him dating another girl would mean little now anyways. If it's over between you and him now what difference would that make anyways? It has no real effect on your own life whatsoever. What is being brought to pieces is a construct in your mind that was simply an imagination and nothing more.

You need to see it as a good thing, even a necessary thing, that this imaginary ideal is being crushed because all it was doing was giving you a false security anyways. And this was preventing you from dealing with reality, especially from dealing with God in the unlimited, surrendered way that He must be dealt with to exercise a faith before Him that is genuine and acceptable in His eyes. What you are getting now is a wake-up call that is an opportunity to obtain the true freedom that you actually need, yet is so uncomfortable to enter into. Now that you have a major false security ripped out from under you this is a great chance, maybe the best chance you'll ever have, to deal with God totally and cast away every sin and weight that is keeping you from taking Christ's yoke and pursuing His Truth with your whole heart. Take the opportunity now while the impetus to do so which is caused by your current pain still remains. The fact is that time is probably going to heal your wounds related to this matter whether you seek God wholeheartedly now or not, but time is not going to ensure by any means that you seek God wholeheartedly and abandon yourself to do the will of God revealed in His Word.

Matthew 11:28-30: "28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Psalm 95: "O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation. 2 Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms. 3 For the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods. 4 In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also. 5 The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land. 6 O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the Lord our maker. 7 For he is our God; and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand. To day if ye will hear his voice, 8 Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness: 9 When your fathers tempted me, proved me, and saw my work. 10 Forty years long was I grieved with this generation, and said, It is a people that do err in their heart, and they have not known my ways: 11 Unto whom I sware in my wrath that they should not enter into my rest."

 

[alie123]

Hi Alie123,

I think one of the best things you can do, aside from praying and trusting God with your future and relationships to come, is what Gracia said.

Keeping tabs on his life, happenings, love interests, activities, etc. just keeps putting salt on your already-open wound. Shutting yourself off to being kept abreast of those things, whether it's through conversations with mutual friends about him, or social media influences (or whatever) will definitely help you move forward and stop adding insult to injury.

He has moved on. Part of your healing will come from accepting that and allowing yourself to grieve what once was. Seeing what he is doing with someone else only prolongs that process while making it more painful and drawn out for you along the way.

One last thing. Him being with someone else doesn't take away from what you two had together. It doesn't nullify it, even though it might feel like it. Satan wants you to think the worst of yourself and what you had with him while inflating and exaggerating what he currently has with someone else. Don't let yourself go there. It's not worth it.

Thank you so much for your kind words Kris. I think social media influences me negatively. Luckily he doesn't upload pictures or post anything, but I can see him online and her too and I immediately know, they are talking. I even have spent a lot of time scrolling through my newsfeed to distract myself, which such a waste of time in the end.
What you said about Satan... I feel there is a lot of negativity in my mind about myself and I keep comparing our relationship to theirs, even though I have no clue how theirs is. I already imagine them married and living together. Maybe it's the fact, that he already knew her as a friend while we were together which makes me think, she is now his life partner.
I will spend more time in God's presence and shift my focus from this world to the spiritual world. And spend more time with my loved ones and on this forum
Thank you very much again and I wish you a beautiful day/night

 

[alie123]

the process we just need to avoid doing anything crazy or impetuous.

Yessss!!! The crazy part might have already happened haha! One morning I rode 37 miles on my citybike in the hope to feel better. That was some months ago though, now I focus on painting and reading

 

[Albion]

Yessss!!! The crazy part might have already happened haha! One morning I rode 37 miles on my citybike in the hope to feel better. That was some months ago though, now I focus on painting and reading

Well, that is something done in an effort to work off frustration, I think. But it was harmless. Sometimes, however, people in your position will employ some grand scheme intended to "make him love me" or else "show him how much he's lost by dumping me, etc." That's where people need to grab hold of their lapels and say, "No, I'm going to go on living!"

The fact is that you will love again, and this guy was on the way out, with his eyes open, even though it hit you unawares. You apparently didn't provoke him, and there were no miscommunications that you can look back on and feel that "if only I had…."

 

[Kris Jordan]

Thank you so much for your kind words Kris. I think social media influences me negatively. Luckily he doesn't upload pictures or post anything, but I can see him online and her too and I immediately know, they are talking. I even have spent a lot of time scrolling through my newsfeed to distract myself, which such a waste of time in the end.
What you said about Satan... I feel there is a lot of negativity in my mind about myself and I keep comparing our relationship to theirs, even though I have no clue how theirs is. I already imagine them married and living together. Maybe it's the fact, that he already knew her as a friend while we were together which makes me think, she is now his life partner.
I will spend more time in God's presence and shift my focus from this world to the spiritual world. And spend more time with my loved ones and on this forum
Thank you very much again and I wish you a beautiful day/night

Alie123,

You're so kind, thank you. As I was praying for you just now, the Lord brought this verse to my mind:

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."

Hang in there, you'll get through this.

 

[Sketcher]

Let him go. He has moved on, and therefore has nothing to add to your life but pain that you do not need. Unfollow him on social media, or block him. Remind yourself that he is not perfect. Be socially active with your friends and start serving if you're not serving. Take up a new hobby that seems interesting, or at least try new things.

You will be tempted with anger, and you will be tempted with despair. Don't let them take you down the path of bad decisions.