Daughter wants to join LGBTQ school club

[psychologymajor]

My daughter is 15 and is on the autism spectrum. I won't get too into that other than to say it's common for girls on the spectrum to reject their femininity due to the inability to tolerate puberty and deal with all he "girl" things. So after numerous docs and psychs pushed the idea she is transgender, she has been identifying as a boy at school. I'm fine with this, we don't want to make a big deal out of something that her psychiatrists have said will probably change.

Everything was going great until she and I had a quick informal meeting with the principal (who has bent over backwards to help my daughter) mentioned that they were forming a gay-straight Alliance club that will take place during lunch once per week. It's all in the bane of "safety." I told the principal that my child felt very safe at the school so why does she need to go to a LGTBQ club to be safe? Well I read more about GSA and it is very much an activist group with adults outside the school helping to get it started. Although they were supposed to advertise the club to the entire school, they selected the kids they thought would want to be in the club.

My husband and I told our daughter we did not want her to go to the club for many reasons, mainly that we don't believe sexual orientation belongs in school. I explained that I'm not allowing other adults we know nothing about promote their agenda on her. My daughter is very neieve, doesn't act at all like a boy, and a good kid. She has terrible social anxiety and sensory issues.

Today she happened to leave her lunch at home so I took the opportunity to bring it to her, that way I could see if she went against our wishes and eat with the club (in a separate building). I got there and walked in to the room and she looked really anxious. I just said here's your lunch and kissed her on the forehead. It was only her and two other kids and two adults. I asked the adults to see their mission statement and club documents. They didn't have any because the kids are going to draft them.

I went to the principal and asked questions and told her my concerns. She was extremely nice and said that my daughter doesn't need to go to the group, in fact she said she could offer her more time working with the schools service dog. I appreciate that, but now there is a wedge between our daughter and us. We already told her no, she froze up and ignored us and was mad st me for a day. And then today after school I asked her what's wrong and she said "well I guess your just going to scold me all night." I told her no I won't. We haven't brought it up since, but we now have concerns about the school. She is doing well there which is quite the achievement, but her favorite period (puppy teaching assistant) is with her. I want to like her and do, but she targeted my child. Now my daughter will have a breakdown if we pull her out of school to homeschool. And if she stays in school she'll probably be sad/mad she's not "allowed" in the group.

My friend is a Christian and her daughter is the same age. She said we could do a homeschool co-op, put the kids in activities, etc. also, my dad has about 6 months left to live. Maybe homeschooling would give us the opportunity to go help my mom and be with him.

My husband said we can't have misguided adults indoctrinating our child. I agree. This club's "purpose" is for kids to become activists in fighting homophobia and teanspgobia in middle and high schools.

What would you do? And if you believe I'm bigoted or wrong please realize my concern is for my 15 year old daughter who has high functioning autism.

 

[Strathos]

You should support your child. Rejecting and shaming them will just make things worse. If you're so worried about what is being taught in the club, perhaps you can request to sit in for a session? Or ask your daughter afterwards and you can discuss the issues raised together.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

Seems like brainwashing, people should just let kids be kids. Get your child away from these people they are just nutcases, people are to young at that age to know anything about such things, they are to young to of formed an identity at that age. Most Gay people I am sure would agree that it's nonsense, Transgender has just become the new psychologists craze.

EIGHT-YEAR-OLD girl DEMANDS Boys Scout group treat her as 'transgender BOY'

 

[saulfactuspaul]

You should support your child. Rejecting and shaming them will just make things worse. If you're so worried about what is being taught in the club, perhaps you can request to sit in for a session? Or ask your daughter afterwards and you can discuss the issues raised together.

All the club is doing is alienating them they should be mixing with other children instead.

 

[SnowyMacie]

My daughter is 15 and is on the autism spectrum. I won't get too into that other than to say it's common for girls on the spectrum to reject their femininity due to the inability to tolerate puberty and deal with all he "girl" things. So after numerous docs and psychs pushed the idea she is transgender, she has been identifying as a boy at school. I'm fine with this, we don't want to make a big deal out of something that her psychiatrists have said will probably change.

Everything was going great until she and I had a quick informal meeting with the principal (who has bent over backwards to help my daughter) mentioned that they were forming a gay-straight Alliance club that will take place during lunch once per week. It's all in the bane of "safety." I told the principal that my child felt very safe at the school so why does she need to go to a LGTBQ club to be safe? Well I read more about GSA and it is very much an activist group with adults outside the school helping to get it started. Although they were supposed to advertise the club to the entire school, they selected the kids they thought would want to be in the club.

My husband and I told our daughter we did not want her to go to the club for many reasons, mainly that we don't believe sexual orientation belongs in school. I explained that I'm not allowing other adults we know nothing about promote their agenda on her. My daughter is very neieve, doesn't act at all like a boy, and a good kid. She has terrible social anxiety and sensory issues.

Today she happened to leave her lunch at home so I took the opportunity to bring it to her, that way I could see if she went against our wishes and eat with the club (in a separate building). I got there and walked in to the room and she looked really anxious. I just said here's your lunch and kissed her on the forehead. It was only her and two other kids and two adults. I asked the adults to see their mission statement and club documents. They didn't have any because the kids are going to draft them.

I went to the principal and asked questions and told her my concerns. She was extremely nice and said that my daughter doesn't need to go to the group, in fact she said she could offer her more time working with the schools service dog. I appreciate that, but now there is a wedge between our daughter and us. We already told her no, she froze up and ignored us and was mad st me for a day. And then today after school I asked her what's wrong and she said "well I guess your just going to scold me all night." I told her no I won't. We haven't brought it up since, but we now have concerns about the school. She is doing well there which is quite the achievement, but her favorite period (puppy teaching assistant) is with her. I want to like her and do, but she targeted my child. Now my daughter will have a breakdown if we pull her out of school to homeschool. And if she stays in school she'll probably be sad/mad she's not "allowed" in the group.

My friend is a Christian and her daughter is the same age. She said we could do a homeschool co-op, put the kids in activities, etc. also, my dad has about 6 months left to live. Maybe homeschooling would give us the opportunity to go help my mom and be with him.

My husband said we can't have misguided adults indoctrinating our child. I agree. This club's "purpose" is for kids to become activists in fighting homophobia and teanspgobia in middle and high schools.

What would you do? And if you believe I'm bigoted or wrong please realize my concern is for my 15 year old daughter who has high functioning autism.

What is a GSA?

A GSA club is a student-run club in a high school or middle school that brings together LGBTQI+ and straight students to support each other, provide a safe place to socialize, and create a platform to fight for racial, gender, LGBTQ, and economic justice. "GSA" has historically stood for Gay-Straight Alliance, however many clubs have expanded the name of their clubs beyond the binary Gay-Straight terminology. Some examples include: Genders & Sexualities Alliance, Queer Students Alliance, Pride Club, etc.

Our Approach | Genders & Sexualities Alliance Network

If I remember correctly about the GSA in my high school, I don't really think they did anything besides have meeting and support each other. I wasn't really aware of them. I apart of a similar organization in college, our meetings were focused on sharing our stories, education, and just general support of each other.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I want to like her and do, but she targeted my child. Now my daughter will have a breakdown if we pull her out of school to homeschool. And if she stays in school she'll probably be sad/mad she's not "allowed" in the group.

She's definitely going to mad/ sad if you take her out school. And don't allow her to be in this club. Actually I think you know taking her serious. Might make things worse.

My friend is a Christian and her daughter is the same age. She said we could do a homeschool co-op, put the kids in activities, etc. also, my dad has about 6 months left to live. Maybe homeschooling would give us the opportunity to go help my mom and be with him.

I think it will teach her to hide her true feelings. If you're doing it, to keep her out of a club. She identify with.

My husband said we can't have misguided adults indoctrinating our child. I agree. This club's "purpose" is for kids to become activists in fighting homophobia and teanspgobia in middle and high schools.

Imagine your child helping with homophobia.

What would you do? And if you believe I'm bigoted or wrong please realize my concern is for my 15 year old daughter who has high functioning autism.

I would allow my child in such an important club. That she feels like she fits in. Even if she was high functioning autism.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

Is Rhonda Rousey transgender? No
Is Williams sisters transgender? No
Are most female athletes transgender? No

Why?

Because it is uncommon

 

[Cimorene]

Reading this made me feel for your daughter so much. I think you're having a way OTT reaction & I hope so very very much that you don't pull her out of school & make her homeschool over this. That would be so crushing. My sister has Asperger's. She was never really into being girly either but that changed in college when she started dating her boyfriend. Her whole life socializing has been a big struggle. She finally made friends through youth orchestra but at school got left out most of the time. She was super quiet & didn't know how to make friends. Anytime she got an invitation to anything social it was a HUGE deal to her. If she'd been invited to a Gay Straight Alliance / LGBT or whatever club, she'd have been thrilled just to be invited. My parents absolutely would have let her go, bc they would understand how big of a deal it was that she was being included. They'd encourage her to make friends.

Maybe your daughter just wants to be a part of this club bc she was asked to be a part of it & she hopes to make friends. Is she in other clubs or band or anything? We have a Gay Straight Alliance at my school. I've never been a part of it only bc I don't have time for it with my music stuff. I know it's not indoctrinating kids or anything sinister. Mainly they just hang out together & do fun stuff. It's just about inclusion. It makes sense to me they'd invite a girl with Asperger's bc they want to include her. I think seeing it as "targeting" is really making something that was meant to be nice into something ugly. Maybe if you're that unsure about it you could ask if you could sit in on meetings.

I'm the least rebellious teen ever but even I've gone behind my parents back, most have at some point or another. So I don't see her going to the meeting when you told her not to as being that gigantic of an issue.

Please please please please please do not take her out of a school where she's happy & doing well over this. Please just do not do that to her. I would be shattered if my parents did that to me. I could never hate them but I'd hate that they did that to me. I know my sister had a pretty hard time acclimating to changes & it would have been even more crushing to her.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

She's definitely going to mad/ sad if you take her out school. And don't allow her to be in this club. Actually I think you know taking her serious. Might make things worse.
I think it will teach her to hide her true feelings. If you're doing it, to keep her out of a club. She identify with.
Imagine your child helping with homophobia.
I would allow my child in such an important club. That she feels like she fits in. Even if she was high functioning autism.

Yeah but the kid is clearly being brainwashed how many trangenders were there in your year at school none why because it is uncommon. Homosexuality may not be uncommon but transgender is, the only difference is it has become the latest psychologists fad.

 

[Fish and Bread]

I think you should be supportive of your daughter's choices. If she wants to sit with a certain group at lunch, let her. You know, in three short years, she actually is going to be able to do whatever she wants- it is during this transition period that she is going to make both good and bad choices in a slightly more protected environment that will prepare her for the more significant choices she'll face as an adult in terms of knowing how to make choices and dealing with both positive and negative outcomes.

If you overreact and pull her out of school and put her in a restrictive conservative home school environment, she is going to hate you and miss out on a lot of the high school experience. Then you may lose her forever in a few years- and I don't mean in the sense of her identifying as a man or having some sort of operation (She may or may not go that route either way), I mean, whether she does do that or not, you could lose her in the sense of her being someone who wants to come home for Christmas and sometimes even visits when it isn't a holiday at all.

She also is likely going to explore whatever it is she wants to explore later, as an adult, perhaps in a less safe environment, and not feel like she is able to talk about it with you, if you overreact and shut her down now.

There is nothing dangerous about this club at all. These clubs are normally just devoted to trying to decrease incidents of bullying and to promoting tolerance and understanding. She hasn't joined a gang or something.

I don't really agree with throwing around words like "indoctrination". She's being presented with a different perspective, just like you've raised her with your perspective. One day, she'll decide which perspective, if either, she believes in for herself, and that's true whether she seeks out alternative perspectives now or later. No one is trying to brainwash your kid. Yanking her out of school the second she joins a club that you have some philosophical disagreements with is not a good idea or a positive thing for her development and your relationship with her.

I'm sorry if you just wanted people to nod their heads and affirm a decision you may have already made (I realize that some people do post for that reason, even if they don't realize that they are doing it). I am just typing this in case you really *haven't* made a decision yet, and are seeking various perspectives and advice to consider. I'm not saying my way is the right way or the wrong way- okay, that's not true, I am saying my way is the right way- but I'm obviously not trying to force you into doing it the way I'd do it. I'm just offering you advice because you asked for advice. It's something to consider.

I notice that your screen name is "psychology major", so I think you have the appropriate background to understand what I am saying about your future relationship and her development as a human being.

I also have a lot of experience with high functioning autistics, so I am taking that into consideration. You're likely dealing with a child who is highly principled and determined, and finds making her own choices unusually important. If you try to prevent her from making her own choice and doing what she thinks is right, she isn't likely to accept that or forget it long-term. If you're still on speaking terms with her, you'll likely be hearing about it for the next several decades if you go the route that you're thinking about going- it'll be the subtext to a lot of things going forward.

 

[evoeth]

All the club is doing is alienating them they should be mixing with other children instead.

Is the GSA club doing the alienating? I think you may have the alienators backwards.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

Is the GSA club doing the alienating? I think you may have the alienators backwards.

They are just children who are being locked up in a room to push adults politically correct views on the world, has the child actually said to her parents she is a lesbian? No

It's Brainwashing, It's what terroists do target vulnerable people

 

[dzheremi]

When I was in high school a few of my friends were the ones who formed our school's first ever GSA club. I joined it because they were my friends, and I wanted to support my friends and others who had similar experiences (they were both gay). I don't recall anything political going on, unless you consider kids talking about how it hurts to picked on for being gay political somehow. The world was pretty different back then, though. "Transgender" wasn't a common word and I don't remember it ever coming up in the meetings, and it was still at a time when gay rights had not moved as far as they have now. This was in the mid-1990s, right around when DOMA was signed into law, gays still couldn't serve openly in the military, Ellen Degeneres either hadn't come out or had just come out and there was real talk going on about how the nation would react and if she would lose her job (I think only Thirtysomething and that one episode of Roseanne had dealt with this issue seriously at all; gay people were always the comedic relief on TV, from Bill Crystal's character on "Soap" back in the 1970s to the character on that dreadful Dharma and Greg show), and HIV was still seen as a death sentence rather than something manageable, and blamed in some of the more conservative corners of society on gay people, even after a high-profile straight person like Magic Johnson had announced that he was infected with HIV a few years before.

I have a feeling that with the current political climate, it might not be entirely off-base to assume that there is more political talk or a politicized edge to the nature of GSA clubs, at least in some places. That seems to me to be how things are evolving, insofar as when I talk to younger people I know how are now in their early 20s, I don't really understand the kinds of concepts they are talking about or the terminology they are using, and I can't imagine them restricting their view of sexuality to personal matters, given how quick they are to talk about this type of sexuality identity, and this other type, and this other type, and how they're all oppressed by straight people or whatever. It wasn't like that in the GSA when I was there. (And to be fair, things may be different at the high school or junior high level; I don't know, because I don't know anyone in those age groups who could tell me about that.)

As to whether or not that means that you child shouldn't be in the club, I don't know. Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their kids. If it were me, I would worry about the loss of a potential setting for socialization and building empathy in a controlled and safe environment if I didn't let her go to it, but it's not me. I hope that whatever you do you are able to present yourself as someone who is open to discussing the kinds of struggles that she might be having, so that at least if you decide that she should not be in this club, she will still know that this does not mean that she cannot discuss these matters with people who care about her. It's probably a lot more confusing to be a kid today with all of this stuff around them that wasn't even there 20 years ago when I was that age. I would think that a little empathy and an open-door policy could go a long way towards defusing the conflicts over this, but of course you know your own child. God be with you both.

 

[psychologymajor]

Thank you all for your responses and effort in helping me determine what to do.

By the way, my daughter does have friends who are not in the club and one friend in the club.

Here is the big issue: my daughter was depressed at age 12 and so I took her to the pediatrician. After talking to my daughter in a separate room for 20 minutes it was suggested we put her on hormone blockers because she believes she should be a boy.

Another pediatrician I though we could trust told her that if she didn't live out her gender identity she would always be on antidpressants for the rest of her life.

I took my daughter to another doctor at a University clinic due to anxiety, they didn't screen for autism, yet they assigned her a Gender Studies Professor for psychotherapy three days per week. It was hidden from me that the therapist was an LGBTQ advocate who forced her into inpatient treatment for a week due to "social anxiety" and depression, claiming to us she was suicidal (a lie according to my daughter they physically drug her there kicking and screaming).

The last pediatrician I took her to was given her records showing her autism diagnosis and gender dysphoria diagnosis. I left for the bathroom and as I was walking back in the doctor was quietly explaining to my daughter about how penis prosthetics work.

My daughter has had enough adults tell her what she ought to do. If she continues to hang around adults with agendas I worry she will want to begin hormone therapy, and then what, will she be mad when we don't allow it? Whose the parent here? God gave her to us because we have what it takes to raise her and make decisions for her. So why would I want her to be in a club whose stated future plans are to reach out to the community to bring in straight kids, and attend LGBTQ events?

 

[evoeth]

I left for the bathroom and as I was walking back in the doctor was quietly explaining to my daughter about how penis prosthetics work.

Did your daughter ask the doctor for information about transgender surgery?

 

[Cimorene]

My daughter has had enough adults tell her what she ought to do. If she continues to hang around adults with agendas I worry she will want to begin hormone therapy, and then what, will she be mad when we don't allow it? Whose the parent here? God gave her to us because we have what it takes to raise her and make decisions for her. So why would I want her to be in a club whose stated future plans are to reach out to the community to bring in straight kids, and attend LGBTQ events?

Idk, to me from what you're saying it sounds like the adults are responding to what she's telling them, not telling her what to do.
You should let her be in the club bc it's what she wants to do & it's not the gigantic deal you're making it out to be. It's a social club. It's not like it's a surgery or meds or anything they'll probably just do fun stuff together. It could help her out to talk to other kids who feel like she does & like sort out those feelings. She has 1 friend there & she's probably hoping to make more.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

Thank you all for your responses and effort in helping me determine what to do.

By the way, my daughter does have friends who are not in the club and one friend in the club.

Here is the big issue: my daughter was depressed at age 12 and so I took her to the pediatrician. After talking to my daughter in a separate room for 20 minutes it was suggested we put her on hormone blockers because she believes she should be a boy.

Another pediatrician I though we could trust told her that if she didn't live out her gender identity she would always be on antidpressants for the rest of her life.

I took my daughter to another doctor at a University clinic due to anxiety, they didn't screen for autism, yet they assigned her a Gender Studies Professor for psychotherapy three days per week. It was hidden from me that the therapist was an LGBTQ advocate who forced her into inpatient treatment for a week due to "social anxiety" and depression, claiming to us she was suicidal (a lie according to my daughter they physically drug her there kicking and screaming).

The last pediatrician I took her to was given her records showing her autism diagnosis and gender dysphoria diagnosis. I left for the bathroom and as I was walking back in the doctor was quietly explaining to my daughter about how penis prosthetics work.

My daughter has had enough adults tell her what she ought to do. If she continues to hang around adults with agendas I worry she will want to begin hormone therapy, and then what, will she be mad when we don't allow it? Whose the parent here? God gave her to us because we have what it takes to raise her and make decisions for her. So why would I want her to be in a club whose stated future plans are to reach out to the community to bring in straight kids, and attend LGBTQ events?

Seriously America has the worst health system in the world,your case proves it.

 

[evoeth]

Seriously America has the worst health system in the world,your case proves it.

Because a child is receiving medical advice on a topic she inquired on?

 

[saulfactuspaul]

Because a child is receiving medical advice on a topic she inquired on?

The child enquired about transgenderism where?

How do children know they want to become transgender at that age if they wouldn't know what it entails?

Where has in the parents writing have they actually said the child is gay or wants to change sex?

It seems like people are taking advantage of a young girl to push their own agenda, Sexuality choices and rights belong to one person and that is the child in question, people should stop abusing the child and get a life.

 

[JAM2b]

It doesn't seem to me that there is an agenda other than showing kids how to accept others as they are. It shows kids that they can care about others, even if they don't have a lifestyle that's the same or have a different beliefs. Which is what Christians are supposed to do. It's not out job to change others, only love them.

My oldest son is on the spectrum, too. He struggles with gender identity and sexual orientation. You know what? That's between him and God. I've taught him faith and that the Bible is God's message to us. Getting in the way of him working out who he is and how he should live will only hurt him.

Autism, gender issues, mental illness, etc are huge issues. You can't possibly understand it completely because no one does, not even experts. However, God does. You have to let go of some control and trust God to take care of your daughter and help her work out her life according to His plan.