Daughter (18yrs) wants to sleep over at her boyfriend's house

[Jolene22]

All good. Post can be removed.

 

[Sabertooth]

Though it is probably not what you want to hear, if Australia 18 is like USA 18, you have no say in what she does when she is away from your property. On your property, she is still 18, but you can set the standard on what is allowed in your home.

If you still have any rapport with her, let her know that you think it is a really bad idea.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Yeah, well, it might seem like everything to her now, but this relationship will be over in a matter of weeks. It's probably not worth the hassle getting upset over it.

As long as she isn't freeloading off you in her 20's then all is good. (Effort towards a vocation or a career is worth more than money.)

 

[Strathos]

I don't know you or your daughter or her boyfriend, so the only advice I can give is to do what you think is best.

 

[Within Reason]

Hello,

My daughter recently turned 18 (first year at college) and has suggested that now she is an adult she should be able to make her own decision to spend the occasional night at her boyfriend's house. My daughter maintains she is a Christian however the boyfriend is not (we have already had discussions about this). We have told her this is against our values and if she is living at our house we would expect her to respect our rules and values.

We don't want to encourage the behaviour however as parents we worry she will start lying about where she is or this will cause her to make a reckless decison to move out with her boyfriend or rush into marriage.

My daugher assures us they aren't having sex and she just wants the option of not having to drive home if she is tired. Given the boyfriend only lives 15mins away we feel more like they want to play at keeping house and temptation is best avoided.

If I am being honest as well I feel like we are being used. She wants us to pay the bills and provide her a room and food but she wants to play being an adult and married life with her boyfriend when it suits. If she wants to say she is an adult and can make her own choices she should be ready to take on all the adult responsbilities and not pick and choose. I really am struggling with this and am trying to not make any rash decisions on my end either however sometimes I just think my daugher needs a reality check. Last year we were actually going to sell our house and move somewhere cheaper but she assured us she was going to remain at home while studying so we decided not to move so she could be closer to college.

We love her and want her to feel heard and valued but we still need to stand by our faith. How have other people tackled this with their adult children living at home?

So long as she is your daughter (no matter age, even if in her 50's, she still must obey the commandment, "Honour thy father and thy mother ..."), she is in your care, your stewardship, until she is married. If the 'boyfriend' has not come to you both as parents of the daughter, he is a serpent in a garden, seeking to 'steal' (commandment 8) the affections of your daughter from you both, which rightly belong to you, Christian or not. Tell her of the consequence of disobedience to your will, and the will of God. Children would be cut off (wages of sin is death, tell her of the eternal things):

Deu_22:21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the harlot in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

Exo_21:15 And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death.

Exo_21:17 And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.​

She is under your roof, your protection, your economy (see the 4th commandment), etc.

If she desires to be an adult, then speak to her in all the love of parents to her as an adult. Hide nothing. Tell her all in love, how you feel inmost, and that you desire to follow God. Be firm as a Rock. Say "No." This far and no further. Place all your love in Jesus, and this will place your love for your daughter in the right light.

It is an abomination, if she were to spend the night at her 'boyfriends' house, and not married. The 'boy' is a thief (even if he doesn't understand it), and she is his accomplice in it. Even if nothing untoward happened (it most certainly could, and do you think for a moment the devil will not be near them both?), it is the "appearance of evil" and should be shunned.

Consider this:

Courtship and Marriage:

Letters To Young Lovers:

 

[St_Worm2]

My daugher assures us they aren't having sex and she just wants the option of not having to drive home if she is tired. Given the boyfriend only lives 15mins away we feel more like they want to play at keeping house and temptation is best avoided.

Hello Jolene22, I noticed that you are brand new around here, so first off, WELCOME TO CF

As for your daughter and her recent request, yeah, she's playing you, so you need to continue to stand for God's truth (for her sake), as you would not be loving her if you decided to do otherwise!

1 Corinthians 13
6 Love .. does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.

1 Thessalonians 4
3 This is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality;
4 that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor,
5 not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God.​

As @Sabertooth just said above, she's an adult now, so she can legally make her own decisions about her own life, but that doesn't mean that she has control over you or your decision making concerning her (as long as she continues to live under your roof and/or out of your pocketbook, that is).

Praying for you and for your daughter!

--David
p.s. - here are a couple of quotes from Pastor Mark Driscoll that are great advice for Christian singles, in particular.

We're not to follow our hearts, we're to guard our hearts. ~Mark Driscoll

Are you letting culture, not Scripture, determine your sexuality, how you date, how you present yourself, how you engage in certain relationships with members of the opposite sex? We need to be very clear that the way we do life is different than the rest of the world. ~Mark Driscoll​

.

 

[redleghunter]

Hello,

My daughter recently turned 18 (first year at college) and has suggested that now she is an adult she should be able to make her own decision to spend the occasional night at her boyfriend's house. My daughter maintains she is a Christian however the boyfriend is not (we have already had discussions about this). We have told her this is against our values and if she is living at our house we would expect her to respect our rules and values.

We don't want to encourage the behaviour however as parents we worry she will start lying about where she is or this will cause her to make a reckless decison to move out with her boyfriend or rush into marriage.

My daugher assures us they aren't having sex and she just wants the option of not having to drive home if she is tired. Given the boyfriend only lives 15mins away we feel more like they want to play at keeping house and temptation is best avoided.

If I am being honest as well I feel like we are being used. She wants us to pay the bills and provide her a room and food but she wants to play being an adult and married life with her boyfriend when it suits. If she wants to say she is an adult and can make her own choices she should be ready to take on all the adult responsbilities and not pick and choose. I really am struggling with this and am trying to not make any rash decisions on my end either however sometimes I just think my daugher needs a reality check.

We love her and want her to feel heard and valued but we still need to stand by our faith. How have other people tackled this with their adult children living at home?

You have every right to be concerned and also to communicate the values you raised her with.

Is this boyfriend living with his parents or has his own place?

 

[mama2one]

the boyfriend should pick her up & drive her home

 

[coffee4u]

I feel for you, it's a tricky age, so much a child yet so much becoming an adult.

Since she is a Christian, I think the best way to reach her is with some teaching like was shared above.
She herself needs to see the error of her ways. Not because it is against your values, but because it is against what God wants for her. If it's about you and what you want then it's about pleasing you and this should not be what it's about.

She also needs to know and I hope she already does that anytime she has sex even with birth control, she can get pregnant. Since he only lives 15 minutes away and lives by himself I assuming? Not with his parents? I would not trust that they aren't. An upstanding young man would drive her home and see that she got in the door. Like above ^ I would have your husband let him know this is what he expects.

 

[Sparagmos]

the boyfriend should pick her up & drive her home

my husband picked me up & returned me home to my parent's house after every date
if your daughter won't listen, talk to the boyfriend & tell him that is what you expect

They’re adults, they’re not going to adopt the particular mating rituals that her parents request. You no longer have control over your kids at that age, they are going to make their own decisions.

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[Kris Jordan]

Hello,

My daughter recently turned 18 (first year at college) and has suggested that now she is an adult she should be able to make her own decision to spend the occasional night at her boyfriend's house. My daughter maintains she is a Christian however the boyfriend is not (we have already had discussions about this). We have told her this is against our values and if she is living at our house we would expect her to respect our rules and values.

We don't want to encourage the behaviour however as parents we worry she will start lying about where she is or this will cause her to make a reckless decison to move out with her boyfriend or rush into marriage.

My daugher assures us they aren't having sex and she just wants the option of not having to drive home if she is tired. Given the boyfriend only lives 15mins away we feel more like they want to play at keeping house and temptation is best avoided.

If I am being honest as well I feel like we are being used. She wants us to pay the bills and provide her a room and food but she wants to play being an adult and married life with her boyfriend when it suits. If she wants to say she is an adult and can make her own choices she should be ready to take on all the adult responsbilities and not pick and choose. I really am struggling with this and am trying to not make any rash decisions on my end either however sometimes I just think my daugher needs a reality check.

We love her and want her to feel heard and valued but we still need to stand by our faith. How have other people tackled this with their adult children living at home?

Hi Jolene22,

As a mom of a 19 year old and 22 year old (whom I have very close and transparent relationships with), I understand the dilemma you are in. Although we haven't been in your "exact" situation, I can tell you what I told our kids before they left for college in another state (which we were paying for in full). It might help you in principle. My conversation with regard to the choices they might make while there went something like this:

"(Son, Daughter), you're an adult now and about to embark on an "adult" life. As much as I wish I could "make you" do the right things, I can't. You are now responsible to Jesus for the things you do, whether good or bad, and you have the freedom to make whatever choices you want to make. That's between you and Jesus. I love you and will always love you unconditionally no matter what you decide to do in your life. But you need to know that "if" you choose to be a ding-dong and go the partying route - or if you decide to get caught up in a bunch of sinful things instead of focusing on school and your studies - we aren't going to pay for you to live that type of lifestyle. So "if" that's the choice you make, just know that you'll be on your own financially. You'll have to quit school and get a job to support yourself and your sinful choices. We're paying to send you to school to get an education, not for you to be a knucklehead."

Both kids got the message loud and clear. Our daughter graduated with her BA degree and our son is in his sophomore year.

 

[eleos1954]

Hello,

My daughter recently turned 18 (first year at college) and has suggested that now she is an adult she should be able to make her own decision to spend the occasional night at her boyfriend's house. My daughter maintains she is a Christian however the boyfriend is not (we have already had discussions about this). We have told her this is against our values and if she is living at our house we would expect her to respect our rules and values.

We don't want to encourage the behaviour however as parents we worry she will start lying about where she is or this will cause her to make a reckless decison to move out with her boyfriend or rush into marriage.

My daugher assures us they aren't having sex and she just wants the option of not having to drive home if she is tired. Given the boyfriend only lives 15mins away we feel more like they want to play at keeping house and temptation is best avoided.

If I am being honest as well I feel like we are being used. She wants us to pay the bills and provide her a room and food but she wants to play being an adult and married life with her boyfriend when it suits. If she wants to say she is an adult and can make her own choices she should be ready to take on all the adult responsbilities and not pick and choose. I really am struggling with this and am trying to not make any rash decisions on my end either however sometimes I just think my daugher needs a reality check.

We love her and want her to feel heard and valued but we still need to stand by our faith. How have other people tackled this with their adult children living at home?

Matthew 26:41
Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Get them both together and have conversation about it. Talk about avoiding temptation.

 

[createdtoworship]

Hello,

My daughter recently turned 18 (first year at college) and has suggested that now she is an adult she should be able to make her own decision to spend the occasional night at her boyfriend's house. My daughter maintains she is a Christian however the boyfriend is not (we have already had discussions about this). We have told her this is against our values and if she is living at our house we would expect her to respect our rules and values.

We don't want to encourage the behaviour however as parents we worry she will start lying about where she is or this will cause her to make a reckless decison to move out with her boyfriend or rush into marriage.

My daugher assures us they aren't having sex and she just wants the option of not having to drive home if she is tired. Given the boyfriend only lives 15mins away we feel more like they want to play at keeping house and temptation is best avoided.

If I am being honest as well I feel like we are being used. She wants us to pay the bills and provide her a room and food but she wants to play being an adult and married life with her boyfriend when it suits. If she wants to say she is an adult and can make her own choices she should be ready to take on all the adult responsbilities and not pick and choose. I really am struggling with this and am trying to not make any rash decisions on my end either however sometimes I just think my daugher needs a reality check.

We love her and want her to feel heard and valued but we still need to stand by our faith. How have other people tackled this with their adult children living at home?

you guys are doing a good job. I haven't had that situation yet, our daughter is only 14, and we told her she can't date till she is 18. I mean what is the point of dating if you can't make out, have sex etc etc. I mean really? All that stuff is forbidden by scripture for a non married person to do, so dating is really not even remotely applicable till after 18. Many many will fight me on that, and that is A-okay. I will stand by it If they can find a reason for dating as a teen, then I may change my mind. I mean what can't you do as friends, that you can only do as a dating couple? It all involves physical. So that is what I mean. But your situation is a 19 year old, and you are having issues still with that age. So I am thinking, 21 sounds real good about now. Or how about after college? Maybe I just want to keep my little girl forever at that point.

But anyway here are some video's aimed for college age adults and older talking about dating and courting, from a university college fellowship:

1. Single / Dating / Engaged / Married - Breakaway Ministries
2. Dating, Courtship, and Marriage - Paul Washer - YouTube

 

[Dave-W]

I mean what is the point of dating if you can't make out, have sex etc etc. I mean really?

Really?

Dating is to get to know someone one on one so you can decide if they are are a possible good match for marriage. Making out and sex should be off the table.

 

[createdtoworship]

Really?

Dating is to get to know someone one on one so you can decide if they are are a possible good match for marriage. Making out and sex should be off the table.

you can fully get to know another person being friends. You DON'T NEED TO KNOW YOUR SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU MEAN.

 

[Dave-W]

You DON'T NEED TO KNOW YOUR SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU MEAN.

That is pretty much what i said.
======================================
ETA:

But if you do get engaged, talking about sex should be a must. There should be agreement. Probably best done during pre-marital counseling.

 

[createdtoworship]

That is pretty much what i said.
======================================
ETA:

But if you do get engaged, talking about sex should be a must. There should be agreement. Probably best done during pre-marital counseling.

so again dating is unnecessary for a kid, or young adult. You just validated that, you said they 'get to know each other." Dating is therefore unnecessary for that. People date for two reasons one is possession. They want to have someone possess them or possess another (security), secondly they want to play around physically. And both are things God has not promised us in a young relationship. We don't possess other people, God does. Even if you are engaged, that person could leave you for perfectly valid reasons and start another life with someone totally different and it would be perfectly fine with the Lord. God doesn't honor facebook status's and engagements, He honors marriage. So before that day, you have the green light to high tale it for any reason what so ever.

 

[Dave-W]

so again dating is unnecessary for a kid, or young adult. You just validated that, you said they 'get to know each other." Dating is therefore unnecessary for that.

Clearly dating is not "necessary" since it was an invention of the 20th century. Couples got together millennia before that.

What is your alternative for choosing a spouse? Arranged marriage?

In college i attended a congregation where male female friendships were strictly forbidden. the elders chose spouses. It did NOT end well.

 

[createdtoworship]

Clearly dating is not "necessary" since it was an invention of the 20th century. Couples got together millennia before that.

What is your alternative for choosing a spouse? Arranged marriage?

In college i attended a congregation where male female friendships were strictly forbidden. the elders chose spouses. It did NOT end well.

sir please don't mock my position with assuming I am for arranged marriages. You already gave your one reason for dating 'to get to know someone'. And thus you must prove that dating allows you to know a person more than a friendship does. If anything when you date you put up appearances, friends typically don't have those appearances, what you see is what you get. So simply being friends up until an engagement would be prefered. I am not talking down upon those who date, but I realize they date for two shallow reasons, not really biblical ones. mainly to say 'I have a boyfriend, or girlfriend as a possessive trait' and secondly to be physical. Neither of those are honored by God before marriage.