Dating younger women

[Songsmith]

I am struggling with social stigma vs biblical reality when it comes to dating someone younger than myself. I can think of nothing that prohibits it, but I also know that people judge quickly and harshly an older man (42) with a young lady. Im not in love, but I could easily go there. We hit it off amazingly well, but I also don't want to take from her all the years I've already had. Any thoughts on the matter?

 

[ValleyGal]

Wait. You want to date someone younger but your profile says you are married. Are you for real?

 

[Songsmith]

Oh right, I haven't been on in a while. Got divorced kind of recently. Haven't changed that yet. Forgot about it.

 

[Albion]

Assuming that "forget about it" means to forget the misunderstanding about your marital status rather than "forget about this thread," the question I think we have to ask first is...

How much younger IS she?

 

[ValleyGal]

If you were divorced "kind of recently" then you might want to wait a while before starting another relationship.

 

[Songsmith]

Ugh, I meant I forgot that there was even a marital status thing in the profile. My phone a0arently thinks forget was better there.
She is significantly younger. Not underage obv, but she is quite a bit younger.

 

[Albion]

Thanks, Songsmith. If the age difference is 10 years, I'd say not to be awfully worried. If it's more like 20, which I'm assuming is the case, I'd advise being cautious. The cultural differences and the 'taking years from her' idea you spoke of could be something of a problem, but neither am I saying that this is fatal to a relationship. If it is that much of a gap, though, you'd do best to take things very slowly, being aware that she may imagine you less as a partner than as a good friend.

HOWEVER, there is nothing Biblically wrong about a May-December relationship if it develops and some people "will talk" regardless--but if it's right for you two, that's little enough to endure.

 

[grasping the after wind]

You are struggling with a social stigma. Nothing biblical. So, if social stigma bothers you, you ought not go there. Why make yourself miserable? If social stigma doesn't bother you( and social stigma for this type of relationship today is much less than it was in the past) , then you have other matters to consider involving your individual PsOV on things that would differ based upon the differing cultures you were exposed to, due to the age difference, along with many other factors you and the person in question would have to get to know about each other. I would hope that at 42 and with one marriage behind you, you would tend to not believe that "falling in love" is something one can only do with a "soul mate" or some other such overly romantic idea. I hope your decision is taken more rationally and less emotionally. Not that one can or should completely cut off one's emotions but the decision itself should be rooted in rationality not in emotionality.

 

[John Davidson]

I personally see no problem with it.

 

[Songsmith]

I'm not convinced I am going to persue it but I wanted to make sure if I did I wasn't missing some bilical principle in doing so. Thank you for the advice.

 

[Greg J.]

Marriage means different things to different people. For those that consider obedience to God more important than their own happiness, one activity the couple could do is to imagine what it would be like for them to be married to the person 15 years from now when/if various things outside their control have happened. No one but the Lord knows what each person will be like in 15 years. What if all of these happen: (1) sex with the person ceases to be special [how much impact would disfigurement from a car accident affect your love and commitment], (2) you grow to have different interests, (3) you have different friends, (4) cultural disconnectedness doesn't get resolved [grew up with different music, different social problem emphases, different ways of socializing (e.g., texting), etc.], (5) you need to sacrifice your time, peace, profession, and hobbies to care for the person full-time [what if you don't have the financial resources disappear and can no longer get your preferred choice for care], (6) it's hard finding things you both like to talk about, and (7) one of the partners dies: what will the survivor's life be like—can they accept that?

If all these happened to two people, what marriage could survive? Is it not practically a definition of failed marriage? Examining those ideas (and others) isn't necessarily a call to ponder gloom and doom. It is an approach to try to examine the core of why one is willing to commit to God to be with them for the rest of their lives. How strong is one's own commitment to the person and God? Does one have the faith in Jesus to know He would help in every problem area. Is one willing to do what Jesus wants? How real and deep is one's (sacrificial, friend) love for the other? Do you just like being with the person? For some people, all of the above potential difficulties can be viewed as opportunities to express one's care and love to help the other (in spite of it being psycho-emotionally draining). They're opportunities to spend more time together, to fight for something each wants together, to share (perhaps mostly small) victories together. Discussing the potential problem areas can help the couple be aware of facets of the relationship need to be dealt with aggressively. e.g., perhaps starting regularly counseling sessions as soon as (or even before getting) getting married may be called for. In light of possibilities like these, it may be more apparent that it is worth quite a lot of work to ensure you are going through the events of life as one and to be alert to diverging paths.

Given that newlyweds are not going to have the power of love that people of 20 years of successful marriage can have, one can still examine: is each person still experiencing growing love? Does it seem like love will continue to grow, as well as their connectedness? How does one feel about not being able to take a break from the person?

Regardless of how sensible this post is (or isn't) one take away can be to recognize that concrete aspects of a potential relationship can be examined when one wonders "would this really work out?"

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

be careful to not mistake God's love wanting to flow through you to her to minister to her with your love for a wife - the difference is very difficult to perceive by feelings alone; focus on ministering to her and seeking God together for right now instead of pursuing a marriage relationship - if you can't focus with her on the most important thing (relationship with God), then she's not the one He wants you to be with.

faith believes until the thing promised by God and believed for by you can be seen; it is the only substance of things 'hoped for' ('confidently expected')

 

[Greg J.]

be careful to not mistake God's love wanting to flow through you to her to minister to her with your love for a wife - the difference is very difficult to perceive by feelings alone;

I agree completely. Wanting to help someone, particularly wanting to help attractive people more than less attractive people, is a sign. Not necessarily a sign of something bad, but it's important to recognize one's motivations to understand what is going to make the relationship work in the long-term (or what might cause the people to grow apart).

Recognize the limitations of humans. It's a nice idea to be willing to lay down one's life for someone, but what if that person becomes someone other than they are now, and yet one partner must give the other full time care for a decade. This, or some variation, may be a better indicator of whether it is God's love in one's heart than how much one wants to help them. Another technique is, would one be OK with the other being the boss in the family? Health issues and other things could make it so. Can you follow someone who has worse understanding, lower quality ideas, and makes terrible plans than you? (It's a test of what one is willing to withstand just to be with the person.)

Note that I'm overly concerned with understanding one's own motivations, but there are people who marry haphazardly and are happy the rest of their lives, too. (It's the result of having been a perfectionist, which is a fancy word for people who experience pain when they can't make things the way they want—a control problem turned inward, I suspect.)

 

[Dave-W]

I know of at least 2 people in my generation who were the product of such a marriage, and there was also on with one of my wife's grandparents.

In all 3 cases, the dad (after being widowed) married someone younger than his older children and then had another family. 50-100 years ago it was not uncommon at all and there was not much stigma on it.
Biblically, I see Abraham married a younger woman after Sarah died, and they gave a young girl to King David in his very old age, but he did not marry or have sex with her.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Actually 42 isn't really that old...even if she is 20 years younger, what really matters is that both of you be saved, living godly lives and being about kingdom work...

Consider Paul's advice to young Timothy...
1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity."

 

[Goodbook]

Is she a divorcee as well.
If you have any children how much older is she than them?
I think issues can arise over generation gaps. And especially retirement ages, are you able to still support her despite being much older, are you in good health?

Biblical advice, well paul does advise younger widows to marry (not sure if this also applies to widowers) and that some women are even saved through childbirth. (But they will have trouble in the flesh)

BUT despite age difference the most important is she a christian believer the same as your self. God doesnt want us unequally yoked. Read through corinthians as that gives marital advice to all christians.

 

[Songsmith]

Well well! Thank you all for your words of wisdom. Yes, she is saved. She is younger than my two eldest, a few years older than the other four. We do have many many like interests atm, but that could, and maybe inevitably will, change as she gets older. It's not a sexual thing, but a matter of I simply like who she is and she likes me. We are able to talk on deep levels that I couldn't with my wife. One thing that I'm concerned about is that she could be a sort of emotional stand in for my kids, who I don't see due to distance. So frustrating. That is something that i need to answer for myself and i cannot move forward until i do. Anyway, thank you for your advice!

 

[fm107]

I'm not convinced I am going to persue it but I wanted to make sure if I did I wasn't missing some bilical principle in doing so. Thank you for the advice.

For us to advise you, you need to inform us of the reason for you being divorced from you wife. I didn't see an explanation as to this given above. Only then can we advise you properly.

 

[Songsmith]

Well, mostly because I'm more like David than like Paul. I loved the Lord, but I made mistakes, i wasn't always faithful, both in sexual matters and familial duties. I lost track of who I was and have taken a long road to an understanding of where I failed. We separated due to a dwi, and she found that she felt freedom rather than loss. That's about the size of it. That was two years ago.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

To be honest I used to cringe and hate people who had big age gaps. But I came to realize if they are TRULY in love and there are no other reasons for wanting to marry, then its fine. Though the only real age gap I now cringe at is when a 65 year old marries a 19 year old. Mainly because its not fair to the woman.