Dating within Bible Study??

Servant68

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Just throwing this out there for some additional perspectives...

I broke up with my last girlfriend in February or so. We weren't a good fit or at the same place spiritually. She didn't take it well...

Since then, I've been leery of starting another relationship. So many women in my age range; 35 to 50, are only wanting a physical/romantic relationship. That was what my last couple of relationships were structured around and I didn't like it and God didn't like it.

Since then, I've accepted my singleness wholeheartedly and have been focusing on work and going to the gym. Last week I started dieting seriously because I didn't like how I looked and not so I would attract a mate.

About a month ago I heard a sermon that really changed my heart and has renewed my focus on living a Godly life and focusing on Him instead of my own selfish desires.

So what does all of this rambling have to do with dating and Bible Study??

I started going to a weekly Bible study back in February. It was all married couples from their late 20's to their mid 60's. I was the odd man out being a single divorced guy in my 40's. But, I enjoyed the fellowship and went as regularly as possible.

A couple of months ago, two single ladies joined the study. One is a young attractive college student and the other is a beautiful single woman in her late 30's or early 40's. I mean, she is so beautiful that it takes my breath away when I look at her.

She is also quiet and a bit shy. I know a little bit about her from just our few little conversations we've had before or after Bible study. I know she's from Michigan, has eight brothers and sisters, and works in a beauty salon. When we talk, it is very polite and pleasant. She is so hard to read and I'm not sure if she is being shy or standoffish when we talk.

I sent her a Facebook friend request last week and she accepted it immediately, which is a good sign, and we chatted at last week's Bible study a little more. But she hasn't liked any of my posts or pictures, which is usually a sign that someone is just being polite and not really interested in you personally. But then again, she doesn't have any posts in the last couple of months so she's not really a prolific FB user... Geesh, I sound like I'm in high school... :eek:

So, normally, I would just ask her out and if she said no, then I'd know where I stand and move on.

But, I don't want things to get awkward and have one or both of us stop going to a Bible study that we both enjoy because our feelings weren't mutual for each other. So, this is why I haven't attempted to ask her out. I am enjoying being single and having a group of Christian friends to share with. I don't want to lose that or cause her to lose that because of my romantic feelings for her. Then again, I haven't even really talked to her enough to determine if I do have genuine romantic feelings for her...

On the other hand... She is sweet, Christian, beautiful, and age appropriate. That's super rare in my area and I don't want to miss out on a potentially wonderful and Godly relationship because I was being too conservative and overthinking things.

I really don't know what to do. I pray about it every night and am trying to just be patient and see if our small talk progresses naturally to me getting a clearer perspective of her feelings about me.

So please, some additional perspective and thoughts would be appreciated...
 

Drick

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I have family members who struggle with relationships in your age group.

The biggest problem for them seems to be that all the quality women are married, and those that are left are either single parents, in which case, they can't be trusted to make good decisions, and they're a financial drain. Or they're adult children that never grew out of hedonism, which makes them unsociable.

Taking age out of the equation, I'd just say to go for it! But I'm still young, so I can't give reliable advice. In any case, having seen the struggle, you have my sympathies.
 
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Grace2022

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Just throwing this out there for some additional perspectives...

I broke up with my last girlfriend in February or so. We weren't a good fit or at the same place spiritually. She didn't take it well...

Since then, I've been leery of starting another relationship. So many women in my age range; 35 to 50, are only wanting a physical/romantic relationship. That was what my last couple of relationships were structured around and I didn't like it and God didn't like it.

Since then, I've accepted my singleness wholeheartedly and have been focusing on work and going to the gym. Last week I started dieting seriously because I didn't like how I looked and not so I would attract a mate.

About a month ago I heard a sermon that really changed my heart and has renewed my focus on living a Godly life and focusing on Him instead of my own selfish desires.

So what does all of this rambling have to do with dating and Bible Study??

I started going to a weekly Bible study back in February. It was all married couples from their late 20's to their mid 60's. I was the odd man out being a single divorced guy in my 40's. But, I enjoyed the fellowship and went as regularly as possible.

A couple of months ago, two single ladies joined the study. One is a young attractive college student and the other is a beautiful single woman in her late 30's or early 40's. I mean, she is so beautiful that it takes my breath away when I look at her.

She is also quiet and a bit shy. I know a little bit about her from just our few little conversations we've had before or after Bible study. I know she's from Michigan, has eight brothers and sisters, and works in a beauty salon. When we talk, it is very polite and pleasant. She is so hard to read and I'm not sure if she is being shy or standoffish when we talk.

I sent her a Facebook friend request last week and she accepted it immediately, which is a good sign, and we chatted at last week's Bible study a little more. But she hasn't liked any of my posts or pictures, which is usually a sign that someone is just being polite and not really interested in you personally. But then again, she doesn't have any posts in the last couple of months so she's not really a prolific FB user... Geesh, I sound like I'm in high school... :eek:

So, normally, I would just ask her out and if she said no, then I'd know where I stand and move on.

But, I don't want things to get awkward and have one or both of us stop going to a Bible study that we both enjoy because our feelings weren't mutual for each other. So, this is why I haven't attempted to ask her out. I am enjoying being single and having a group of Christian friends to share with. I don't want to lose that or cause her to lose that because of my romantic feelings for her. Then again, I haven't even really talked to her enough to determine if I do have genuine romantic feelings for her...

On the other hand... She is sweet, Christian, beautiful, and age appropriate. That's super rare in my area and I don't want to miss out on a potentially wonderful and Godly relationship because I was being too conservative and overthinking things.

I really don't know what to do. I pray about it every night and am trying to just be patient and see if our small talk progresses naturally to me getting a clearer perspective of her feelings about me.

So please, some additional perspective and thoughts would be appreciated...

Hi
that is so lovely. You need make the first move. I suggest quietly asking if she would like to come out for a coffee with you. Suggest you meet I'm town at a nice place. Then take it from there. Don't lose this chance at perfect happiness. Pray for guidance of course at every stage.
 
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Servant68

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I have family members who struggle with relationships in your age group.

The biggest problem for them seems to be that all the quality women are married, and those that are left are either single parents, in which case, they can't be trusted to make good decisions...

I don't think all single-parent females can't be trusted to make good decisions. Many I know of are either widowed, or their husband was abusive, or became an addict.

To be sure, many became pregnant out of wedlock, or divorced for worldly reasons, or simply made bad decisions. But I certainly wouldn't lump them all together as being incapable of making good decisions...
 
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Drick

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Many I know of are either widowed, or their husband was abusive, or became an addict.
Widows are an exception, but would you really contend that someone who chooses an abuser or an addict for a partner has no responsibility? Those traits usually aren't hard to see, and if you don't take the time to thoroughly know a person before having children with them, you aren't making good decisions. And if you can't make good decisions in that, which is one of the most important part of anyone's life, it's safe to say that said person has pretty bad judgement.

That's not to say that they can't change, it's just that most people don't.
 
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S.O.J.I.A.

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seems like she isn't giving you any signals that she is interested in you like that. you can continue to casually interact with her to see if she gives off any signals of interest.

if this is really eating at you though, as already suggested, go ahead and ask her to have coffee or lunch with you. the worst that can happen is she says she's not interested.
 
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JAM2b

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I think it is early in the establishment of relationship (friendship, romance, or whatever). I would not jump to any conclusions or actions. Give time to breathe and see where things go. If you are still interested after you have gotten to know her a little better, then ask if she would be interested in getting coffee or something simple.
 
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Citanul

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But she hasn't liked any of my posts or pictures, which is usually a sign that someone is just being polite and not really interested in you personally.

It could be that she doesn't use the like feature all that much, or maybe not at all, and you did say that she's not really a prolific user. So I don't think you can gauge her interest in you from the level of your Facebook interactions.
 
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Grace2022

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Hey,
us ladies do like the man to make the first moves. It's sweet and romantic. This girl sounds delightful. Look where you've met! It couldn't be more wonderful. As you both follow the Lord Jesus Christ, study His Word. I think it's great. Ask her out when you can speak quietly and privately somehow.
This could be the start of the best relationship possible, with Christ Jesus guiding you.

I was widowed,and getting lonely. I was through the worst of the grief. At 53 I did not see why I should stay alone all my life, I wanted to live fully again. To Love and be loved. So first I prayed. I asked God to find me the right man. I then signed up for match.com. what a scary thing to do! But I prayed for guidance. I only had three coffee dates, actually very nice gentlemen but not suitable. Then, bingo, my now partner and I met. I knew instantly he was the one for me. He was single and lived with his wonderful mother. We now live together and both know we love each other forever. So unbelievably happy. I pray daily for Lord Jesus to guide us. A great twist in the tale, turns out my partner's brother works for an undertakers, he was the very funeral director who conducted my husband's funeral! We found this out during our first coffee date. God had plans for us all along.

So, take a chance! Do it in the right spirit, be your best self. Good luck. Keep us posted, I love a good romance! Xx

Ps. I had hoped to meet a good man through church. But our congregation are all elderly.
 
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JAM2b

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Hey,
us ladies do like the man to make the first moves. It's sweet and romantic.

Not all of us ladies all the time. I like to ease into relationships and develop a mutual respect and caring for each other, and recognize compatibility. For myself I like for it to gradually become an open conversation and a "one thing slowly leads to another" scenario. I don't think it matters who makes the first move. Just be open to having time and companionship with one another.

If a guy suddenly makes a move, I'm out.
 
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blackribbon

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Whooooaaa... you barely know her and this is your Bible study. Make a move too quickly then either you won't feel comfortable going any more or she won't feel comfortable going... Maybe she really needs the fellowship since she is new.

How about this? Treat her like a lady and just make friends with her for the time being. After some time, you will have a better idea if she is interested and if this is a good risk to take. Be a big boy and take some time to get to know her first in the safety of the Bible study relationship. You don't even know her story yet and still you are willing to poison the Bible study by risking making someone very uncomfortable if this doesn't turn into the world's greatest love affair.

Yes you do sound like you are acting like an impulsive little boy. You see a new candy that you have never tasted and are willing to risk way too much just to taste it. Take some time to find out about that candy...what ingredients are in it and determine if it is worth the struggle to try to get it. "So beautiful" isn't the best reason to date a girl. Find at least 5 things about her that make her still attractive...and to find those you will just have to get to know her.

Don't screw up her Bible study by being a creeper.

As for FB, I am on it all the time and I use the "like" button very infrequently (I am not a 12 year old girl). And to be honest, if I was interested in a guy, I'd be less likely to like his posts unless I could start a conversation related to the post. I am actually less likely to "like" a man's posts if I have a crush on him because I don't want to seem to forward.
 
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Servant68

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Be a big boy and take some time to get to know her first in the safety of the Bible study relationship. You don't even know her story yet and still you are willing to poison the Bible study by risking making someone very uncomfortable if this doesn't turn into the world's greatest love affair.

No need for the belittling personal attacks. And I do believe that the whole point of my post was because I did not want to "poison" my Bible study...

Yes you do sound like you are acting like an impulsive little boy. You see a new candy that you have never tasted and are willing to risk way too much just to taste it.
Again, not sure why you feel to use such biting remarks...

Don't screw up her Bible study by being a creeper.

So liking a woman and visiting her Facebook page makes me a "creeper"? I would think that doing extreme things like driving by her house or work, or internet searches on her background would be more worthy of "creeper" status.

Nope, apparently in your book, liking a woman and asking friends for advice on the best way to approach the relationship is now somehow inappropriate.

Not sure exactly what I've done or said to elicit such attacks from you; I've always thought of your comments and advice to be full of wisdom and grace.

Please accept my apology for whatever I've done.
 
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blackribbon

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No need for the belittling personal attacks. And I do believe that the whole point of my post was because I did not want to "poison" my Bible study...


Again, not sure why you feel to use such biting remarks...



So liking a woman and visiting her Facebook page makes me a "creeper"? I would think that doing extreme things like driving by her house or work, or internet searches on her background would be more worthy of "creeper" status.

Nope, apparently in your book, liking a woman and asking friends for advice on the best way to approach the relationship is now somehow inappropriate.

Not sure exactly what I've done or said to elicit such attacks from you; I've always thought of your comments and advice to be full of wisdom and grace.

Please accept my apology for whatever I've done.

I was simply playing off your statement of "Geesh, I sound like I am in high school" and you are right. It wasn't meant to belittle, just agree. (and revisiting a lot of these emotions as "matures" does make a feel like a cross between our age and being goofy teenagers again, so you are not alone)

No, commenting her facebook and being friends is a good way to start a friendship. Asking her out at Bible study after she came one time and you barely know her would make you feel like a creeper to me ... but maybe it is just me.
 
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Evie1980

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It is very sweet and I am sure that she would be flattered if you took the time to get to know her better. It sounds like you want someone who is as Christ centred as you are and are willing to discuss Biblical principles etc. I would suggest you ask her for coffee and a chat. You said she seems shy but maybe she prefers talking one-on-one rather in a group. In the end all you can do is pray about it and seek time to get to know her better.
 
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Servant68

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Asking her out at Bible study after she came one time and you barely know her would make you feel like a creeper to me ... but maybe it is just me.

I probably wasn't being very clear in my OP; she's been going to the weekly Bible study for about 2 months now and going to my church for at least a year. Due to my schedule, and the fact that my daughter has been visiting for the last month from Japan, I haven't spent much time around her. Maybe 3-4 actual Bible studies together and we've sat by each other in church a few times. We've chatted directly maybe 3-4 times as well.

And is it really inappropriate to ask a woman out after just meeting her one time? It seems that's pretty common among the dating crowd. How else are you supposed to meet people? I hear about people seeing a woman at the grocery store or coffee house and just walk up and get their number. I don't think most people consider that creepy.

Of course my situation is a little different because I know I will see her on a regular basis and have the opportunity to get to know her a little better before asking her out. My main concern was wanting to be sure the interest was mutual before moving forward so as to not defile the Bible study.
 
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Grace2022

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You sound such a considerate sweet person. This life is for living. Romance is the essence of life! When a man is polite, genuine and interested in as woman, it is the most wonderful exciting thing. Old fashioned wooing and courting great.
I'm a romantic! This girl sounds perfect, if you are both single, free, then go for it. You both share live for Jesus Christ, there is no better more ideal foundation for true love.
Pray to Jesus, put it in His hands, then relax and go with your feelings. I did just that, I've never been happier.
 
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timewerx

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But then again, she doesn't have any posts in the last couple of months so she's not really a prolific FB user... Geesh, I sound like I'm in high school... :eek:

Cherish those feelings!

She could be like me who only looks at facebook 1 minute per day at most! My sister and other relatives actually finds me frustrating for not being more active in FB.

So good for your, it may mean nothing except for accepting your request so fast, it is a good thing.

So, normally, I would just ask her out and if she said no, then I'd know where I stand and move on.

But, I don't want things to get awkward and have one or both of us stop going to a Bible study that we both enjoy because our feelings weren't mutual for each other. So, this is why I haven't attempted to ask her out. I am enjoying being single and having a group of Christian friends to share with. I don't want to lose that or cause her to lose that because of my romantic feelings for her. Then again, I haven't even really talked to her enough to determine if I do have genuine romantic feelings for her...

This puts you both in a tough spot... I think you should still ask her out BUT if she says "no", you should be quick to patch that up by saying something like in a cheerful and positive tone "I'm sorry, I misread you, can we still be friends?".

I mean you couldn't let this eat you up from inside. You got to come forward and hopefully, she is mutually interested in you, if not, try to remain as friends. I mean you both are matured adults, no need for anyone to leave if things doesn't work out. And still keep smiling and greeting each other in that case.

You should do it soon.
 
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blackribbon

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I probably wasn't being very clear in my OP; she's been going to the weekly Bible study for about 2 months now and going to my church for at least a year. Due to my schedule, and the fact that my daughter has been visiting for the last month from Japan, I haven't spent much time around her. Maybe 3-4 actual Bible studies together and we've sat by each other in church a few times. We've chatted directly maybe 3-4 times as well.

And is it really inappropriate to ask a woman out after just meeting her one time? It seems that's pretty common among the dating crowd. How else are you supposed to meet people? I hear about people seeing a woman at the grocery store or coffee house and just walk up and get their number. I don't think most people consider that creepy.

Of course my situation is a little different because I know I will see her on a regular basis and have the opportunity to get to know her a little better before asking her out. My main concern was wanting to be sure the interest was mutual before moving forward so as to not defile the Bible study.

I don't really have the answer. I don't necessarily think it is inappropriate to ask someone out that you just barely met if that is the only way you can get to know her. However, as to the second part...yes, I accepted a "coffee date" when asked out at a grocery store, but after finding out that I didn't really like him I did stop going to a grocery store that I used to frequent often because I didn't want to risk running in to him again. Grocery stores are no big deal because there are other grocery stores. My concern is simply that in my experience, Bible studies and church are much hard to replace. I only wanted to suggest that you get to know each other enough to determine if you feel enough connection to think you have a real chance of making this last a lifetime before you risk your church or Bible study. However, you don't have to agree with me. It is just my opinion and that is all it is worth.

And no, I didn't understand that she wasn't new to the group. Personally, I would keep things on a higher level than what I consider "dating". Things like getting a bite to eat after church or Bible study and group events would be ways to get to know eat other without dating. To me, dating is something a bit more personal because you are getting together for the express job of finding out if you are compatible. Going out for a bite together (meeting at the place in your own vehicle) can be done with someone you have no interest is "dating" so is less personal.

I guess it gets down to....if you do date and it doesn't work out, are you prepared to leave the Bible study so she doesn't have to. Or is it a good study that is feeding a spiritual need in you? And if you asked her out and she turned you down, or do you think that for her it might become too uncomfortable for her to keep coming if you are there.

She isn't me. These things might not bother her and maybe she has 2-3 other studies that she could go to if your group got uncomfortable if you find out that you aren't compatible or even only one person wants to continue the relationship. I am the kind of person who would not date someone in my department at work because I know that it might mean that one of us would have to leave if it did or didn't work out. I'd only do it if we had such a bond through friendship first that one of us was committed to change units first so that we would both retain our support group and normalcy if it didn't work out. I can only talk from my point of view and maybe hers is very different.

I'll shut up now.
 
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timewerx

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but after finding out that I didn't really like him I did stop going to a grocery store that I used to frequent often because I didn't want to risk running in to him again. Grocery stores are no big deal because there are other grocery stores.

If I ever own or run a grocery store, I'll ban patrons from pursuing any romantic interests with other patrons while within the store premises!

When people start avoiding each other at your place, I think it's bad for business!!
 
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