Dating the divorced, would you?

[stray bullet]

With the divorce rate as high as it is, what does everyone here think about dating someone that is? Do the conditions of the divorce matter? Should you be dating if you don't know the reasons and they could be, in your opinion, unjustied and you were standing in the way of the couple getting back together?

I know most Christians agree that sexual immorality is a justification, but is that it? Could you date someone that divorced because they were ignored or treated badly?

 

[harmmony]

Yes I think the circumstances matter quite a bit, there are so many which can effect the way I see it Eg - were they and their spouse Christians at the time of the divorce, were they mistreated, was their spouse unfaithful, how old were they (meaning were they really young and immature when it happened) etc.

But, if they are a committed Christian now, the divorce is well behind them and they have been open and honest about it, I would have no trouble going out with them.

 

[William Nunn]

I would be extrememly careful if the divorce was recent. Definitely make sure that the relationship in their past will STAY in their past, and they aren't just looking for any companionship that comes along.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I have dated divorced men. I think the reason for the divorce matters quite a bit. Personally, I don't want to be with someone just because they got tired of their marriage, their wife, or whatever. If it happened once, whose to say it might not happen again with me. I want to know if the divorce was the last resort and not the first thing they did when things started getting tough. I would want to know if there was an infidelity and the circumstances around that.

I think another consideration is if their are children involved. Twice I have gotten involved with a man whose child was being used as a ammunition against the other spouse. And I quickly got out of that. That is not a situation I wanted to be in. The child was the one who was being harmed and I just couldn't abide two grown adults doing that to their child or to each other for that matter. To me, that spoke volumes about their character.

I am not saying you shouldn't get involved with someone who has been divorced, but I think you should tread very carefully.

 

[charligirl]

I did, then I married him He was divorced for 8 years before he got saved and I met him.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I hope there are christians would consider "dating" a divorced person, with all the conditions meet....or I am outta luck to ever "date" (hate that word) again.

Though the present responses are reasuring.

Warrior Poet

 

[fishstix]

I would have a problem with someone who was divorced, unless it was for something along the lines of actually being abused and beat up by their spouse. 2 reasons - a) The Bible says that if someone gets divorced and remarried while their spouse is still alive that's adultery. I don't want to be involved in adultery. b) A divorced person would have less in common with me than someone who hasn't been married yet. Some differences in levels of romantic experience are ok, but that would be a bit much for me.

 

[Xen_Antares]

I would have a problem with someone who was divorced, unless it was for something along the lines of actually being abused and beat up by their spouse. 2 reasons - a) The Bible says that if someone gets divorced and remarried while their spouse is still alive that's adultery. I don't want to be involved in adultery. b) A divorced person would have less in common with me than someone who hasn't been married yet. Some differences in levels of romantic experience are ok, but that would be a bit much for me.

God can forgive their sin why cant you?

When you ask God to forgive your sin, which in this case would be the divorce he says he remembers it no more. That basically means in God's eyes you are not sinning for sleeping with your spouse even though they were priorly married. Unless you believe God goes back on his word and wont forgive the person for getting a divorce.

Do you really think God expects this person who could be just a teenager to stay single for the rest of their lives? Unable to find love, or live out dreams of having a loving spouse, a couple of rugrats running around.

 

[fishstix]

God can forgive their sin why cant you?

When you ask God to forgive your sin, which in this case would be the divorce he says he remembers it no more. That basically means in God's eyes you are not sinning for sleeping with your spouse even though they were priorly married. Unless you believe God goes back on his word and wont forgive the person for getting a divorce.

Do you really think God expects this person who could be just a teenager to stay single for the rest of their lives? Unable to find love, or live out dreams of having a loving spouse, a couple of rugrats running around.

The sin I'm talking about - adultery - hasn't been committed yet. It's not a matter of not forgiving the person who got divorced; it's a matter of choosing not to sin myself and choosing not to cause them to sin. I would be choosing not to commit adultery by marrying someone who is already married. Even though they are legally divorced in the eyes of the world, I believe that in God's eyes, marriage is for life. Let me put it this way - even if the person of my dreams were to get married to someone else and divorced and then want to marry me, I would consider that person to be off-limits in the same way that I would consider them to be off-limits if they were still legally married.

I don't think asking forgiveness in advance for something I'm going to do that I already know is wrong makes it ok to do it. Because if I plan on doing it anyway, I'm not really repenting. And the sin here that I'm talking about is not divorce; it's adultery. I really do think that God expects people to live with the consequences of their decisions in this life, even though they have been forgiven for them and won't have to deal with eternal consequences.

 

[Xen_Antares]

But that then makes the question, what does God consider marriage? Does standing in front of a crowd in a church and saying I do make you married? Or does God consider it to be the Union of two hearts as one body? Just because you say the words and go through the motions and have a piece of paper saying you are married doesnt mean in God's eyes you are. Alot of people get married out of lust, not love, or out of the ecnomic benefit, or to quell lonliness, not the right reasons, and God knows the heart. Its like someone being a preacher or saying theyre saved doesnt make them so.

And what you fear is adultry is void if God has forgiven them because he forgets about what would make it a sin in the first place. The only persons whose eyes who would see it as a sin would be yours.

Please tell me you wont hold it against a girl whose not a virgin.

 

[fishstix]

But that then makes the question, what does God consider marriage? Does standing in front of a crowd in a church and saying I do make you married? Or does God consider it to be the Union of two hearts as one body? Just because you say the words and go through the motions and have a piece of paper saying you are married doesnt mean in God's eyes you are. Alot of people get married out of lust, not love, or out of the ecnomic benefit, or to quell lonliness, not the right reasons, and God knows the heart. Its like someone being a preacher or saying theyre saved doesnt make them so.

If the couple goes through a ceremony to get married and both say "I do" of their own free will etc. and consummate the marriage, then they are married. The reasons why they got to that point in the first place don't change the fact that they are now married. Just like some people get saved because they are scared of Hell and some get saved because they love God's love - either way they are saved; it doesn't matter how they got to that point.

You claim that God forgets sin when He forgives, which I agree with. So if divorce is a sin and He forgives the divorce, He forgets the divorce. That doesn't mean that He forgets the marriage... Even if the marriage was against His will, He can forget the against His will part without forgetting the marriage part. Marriage is for life. That's what the Bible says. Sure I can forgive a person for making bad decisions, for getting a divorce, etc. I can treat them as a fellow Christian, a sibling in Christ, a fellow forgiven sinner. However I cannot treat them as if they are unmarried. If the person they married is still alive; they are not available for me to marry.

The divorce can be forgiven and forgotten. Going outside of God's will can be forgiven and forgotten. The state of being married, however, is not something to be either forgiven or forgotten. It is something that just is. And to marry someone who is already married is adultery. The Bible is clear on that; just as it is clear that to marry someone who is divorced is adultery. The only way for a person who has been married to really become available for marriage to someone else is for their spouse to die. Sounds harsh, but it's Biblical.

And what you fear is adultry is void if God has forgiven them because he forgets about what would make it a sin in the first place. The only persons whose eyes who would see it as a sin would be yours.

My ultimate standard for what is and isn't acceptable for me to do is not whether everyone else is ok with it or whether the government is ok with it; it's whether God is ok with it. If the Bible says "no" then it must mean no. If the Bible says "this is a sin" then it must be a sin. Do you require me to give you the actual Bible verses before you will believe me? They are in the New Testament and are spoken by Jesus himself, so it's not like I'm referring to some obscure legalistic passage.

Just because sin can be forgiven and forgotten does not mean that we should use forgiveness as a free ticket to do whatever we please because we can just ask for forgiveness after we've done it. So if I've already married someone who was divorced, sure I can be forgiven for the adultery. If I've already stolen something, sure I can be forgiven for stealing. But that doesn't mean I should go ahead and commit adultery or steal something just because I can be forgiven.

Please tell me you wont hold it against a girl whose not a virgin.

Define "hold it against". I wouldn't shun someone who isn't a virgin or anything like that. If they have repented and received God's forgiveness I won't treat them like spoiled goods. If the person has not repented and has the attitude that virginity isn't a big deal anyway, I would have a problem with that. If they claim that extra-marital sex is perfectly ok, I would have a problem with that. As far as marriage goes, I'll admit that if I were to be married, I would most certainly prefer a virgin. Do you wish to hold that against me?




.

 

[Xen_Antares]

Well have to agree to disagree. I dont believe its God's will for anyone to be left alone in Freakish misery and loneliness. Imagine some 18 year old girl whose parents pretty much forced her into marriage, only to have her husband demand a divorce a couple years later. Now the girls only in her early 20s should she be forced to stay single the rest of her life. Unable to live her dreams? I know your answer will be yes, but I dont see a ceremony as equaling marriage.

Thats like saying a girl who was raped doesnt deserve to wear white on her wedding day.

Just because someone is baptised doesnt mean they are saved, just because someone says I do doesnt mean they are married in the eyes of God. But we are just dancing in circles, so were going to have to leave it at this.

 

[fishstix]

Well have to agree to disagree. I dont believe its God's will for anyone to be left alone in Freakish misery and loneliness. Imagine some 18 year old girl whose parents pretty much forced her into marriage, only to have her husband demand a divorce a couple years later. Now the girls only in her early 20s should she be forced to stay single the rest of her life. Unable to live her dreams? I know your answer will be yes, but I dont see a ceremony as equaling marriage.

Thats like saying a girl who was raped doesnt deserve to wear white on her wedding day.

Just because someone is baptised doesnt mean they are saved, just because someone says I do doesnt mean they are married in the eyes of God. But we are just dancing in circles, so were going to have to leave it at this.

Note that I said "of their own free will". And I said ceremony + consummating the marriage. Do a quick search for the word divorce in the Bible and see what you find.

http://bible.gospelcom.net/

BTW, since when is being single, even single for life, equal to "freakish misery and loneliness"?

 

[Xen_Antares]

BTW, since when is being single, even single for life, equal to "freakish misery and loneliness"?

To some people it is. I wouldn't say it is freakish for me, although the thought of it lasting a life time would be. It would seem unfair and like cruel and unusual punishment at the hands of God. For me I describe it as a lonely misery, I just make do. I would hate to think God would punish me for life because of mistakes I made in my past (no im not a divorced person, but Im with my own sin).

If I were to be told because I have sinned in my past, and made my mistakes that God was going to punish me by making me stay single for the rest of life because of them, I WOULD begin to call his love and mercy into question.

 

[charligirl]

But that then makes the question, what does God consider marriage? Does standing in front of a crowd in a church and saying I do make you married? Or does God consider it to be the Union of two hearts as one body? Just because you say the words and go through the motions and have a piece of paper saying you are married doesnt mean in God's eyes you are. .

I disagree, if you say vows to each other with witnesses, in church or in a civil ceremony then consummate the marriage you are indeed married in the eyes of God. You spoke aloud vows and cut a covenant, I don;t care whether the couple really meant it or not the vows and covenant are binding in law and in God's eyes.

 

[charligirl]

An interesting study on marriage and remarriage in the light of Jesus' teaching!

http://www.youth.co.za/papers/divorce.htm

 

[klewlis]

To some people it is. I wouldn't say it is freakish for me, although the thought of it lasting a life time would be. It would seem unfair and like cruel and unusual punishment at the hands of God. For me I describe it as a lonely misery, I just make do. I would hate to think God would punish me for life because of mistakes I made in my past (no im not a divorced person, but Im with my own sin).

If I were to be told because I have sinned in my past, and made my mistakes that God was going to punish me by making me stay single for the rest of life because of them, I WOULD begin to call his love and mercy into question.

I think you're confusing consequences with punishment. If a person sleeps around and gets an STD, that is a consequence, not a punishment. That person then has to live with that STD, possibly for the rest of his life. God can forgive his sin, he can go on to live a godly, Christian, forgiven life. But he will still have that STD as a consequence of his previous actions. Is that unfair? No, it's a result of the decisions he's made, and he has to live with it. God is not obligated to take away the result simply because he forgives the sin. The decisions we make have consequences, and we have to learn how to deal with that.

The same applies to ANY decisions that we make, good or bad. And I do tend to agree with fishstix, although it is a tough stance to take. The result of getting married is that you are married, and bound to that person in the eyes of God. You can be forgiven for your decision to marry or divorce, but you still have to live with the consequences of those decisions... and if one of those consequences is that you remain unmarried, that is hard but that is life. Just like the person with the STD has no right to go around spreading it to others, the person who is still married (in the eyes of God) has no right to go and marry someone else, causing them to commit adultery.

Besides, being single is not the end of the world. God blesses our lives whether we are single or married, and we need to be thankful for ALL of his blessings.

 

[Xen_Antares]

I suggest everyone to read the link posted by Charligirl



The Summary
Marriage is instituted by God
Divorce is not part of God’s design, and is never entered into lightly
All divorces are caused by sin
The act of divorce is not a sin
Divorce with the intention to remarry a specific person is adultery
Remarriage of a repentant divorcee is not a sin

 

[harmmony]

I suggest everyone to read the link posted by Charligirl
The Summary
Marriage is instituted by God
Divorce is not part of God’s design, and is never entered into lightly
All divorces are caused by sin
The act of divorce is not a sin
Divorce with the intention to remarry a specific person is adultery
Remarriage of a repentant divorcee is not a sin

I agree 100% with this sum up. I know of a couple of marriages in which actual adultery occured and through repentence and forgiveness God had restored those marriages, more than restored, they are far better. So I think that just because a person has made a mistake, albeit a huge mistake, in a past relationship (what if they tried their hardest and their partner just walked away) is no reason to condemn them to a lifetime of being alone if they have come before God for forgiveness. By doing so you are making them into an outcast unworthy of ever being loved romantically again.

 

[Donny_B]

There are two women at work who are divorced, who I have considered asking out, but have not so far. One of them it turns out is only separated, so I am glad I didn't ask her out.

However, this has led me to consider the theological arguments for and against divorce and remarriage, with scriptural proofs. I have not been interested in human arguments, since the Bible tells us that there is a thing that seems right to a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death (Proverbs 16:25).

How can we reconcile Moses permitting divorce and remarriage, but Jesus and Paul seemingly restricting it (if not forbidding it)? It is a complex question.

Here is an interesting web site that discusses the various theological views.
http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_divo.htm