Dating for (Christian) Dummies

[Mary Meg]

So, I'm getting ready to go into the world, most likely to the Big Bad Secular University. I've never really dated: between being homeschooled, my parents not really approving of my dating, and being shy and introverted and scared, and not really that interested.

One of the things I have a lot of anxiety about is entering the dating scene... Even if I haven't had all that much interest in dating so far, I know I am entering "the scene" where people may be interested in me. And I'm not quite a completely unsocialized homeschooler but pretty close it, I'm afraid.

So I hope you can be patient with some pretty naive questions...

* If somebody I don't really know seems interested in me (hitting on me, trying to pick me up) -- how should I respond? Defensively, hostilely, indulgently? I don't want to attract a bunch of aggressive (predatory) guys, but I don't want to come off as weird or standoffish either...

* How do I quickly judge the character of somebody -- to know if I should want to go on a date with him or not? My gut instinct is, a guy who would come on to me aggressively and with lame pickup lines is probably not somebody I want to get to know... is that fair? Should deciding who to go out with in college be a case-by-case basis, or should I have policies like, "Never go out with a guy who comes on to me (at the store, at the gym, at the student union, etc.)"? "Only go out with guys who I meet (at church, in class, at the library)"?

* What do people actually do on dates in the real world -- and what should I be careful about? Obviously, "come to my place and let's study" is a little fishy if it's somebody I don't know and trust really well...

Or should I not "date" people I meet at school at all? Only "date" people through my (currently nonexistent) dating profile? Is it ok to turn everybody down? What is the right thing, the Christian thing to do? I feel like the little fish being thrown into the sea...

I haven't been interested in "dating," but I would like to, somebody, have a relationship and family. So if I don't "date" -- how do I meet somebody?

 

[Mary Meg]

It seems like there are a lot of married people who might like to respond with advice (I didn't think about that when I posted here)... How would I go about moving this to a different forum where they could respond?

 

[Chesterton]

I have nothing to offer except maybe on this one bit of your post:

* If somebody I don't really know seems interested in me (hitting on me, trying to pick me up) -- how should I respond? Defensively, hostilely, indulgently? I don't want to attract a bunch of aggressive (predatory) guys, but I don't want to come off as weird or standoffish either...

You don't need to respond any of those ways, rather just remember the Golden Rule, and treat them the way you'd want to be treated. Be honest and polite if you need to say "no". If you're simply honest and polite, I don't think you'll attract aggressive guys or seem standoffish.

 

[Not David]

So, I'm getting ready to go into the world, most likely to the Big Bad Secular University. I've never really dated: between being homeschooled, my parents not really approving of my dating, and being shy and introverted and scared, and not really that interested.

One of the things I have a lot of anxiety about is entering the dating scene... Even if I haven't had all that much interest in dating so far, I know I am entering "the scene" where people may be interested in me. And I'm not quite a completely unsocialized homeschooler but pretty close it, I'm afraid.

So I hope you can be patient with some pretty naive questions...

* If somebody I don't really know seems interested in me (hitting on me, trying to pick me up) -- how should I respond? Defensively, hostilely, indulgently? I don't want to attract a bunch of aggressive (predatory) guys, but I don't want to come off as weird or standoffish either...

* How do I quickly judge the character of somebody -- to know if I should want to go on a date with him or not? My gut instinct is, a guy who would come on to me aggressively and with lame pickup lines is probably not somebody I want to get to know... is that fair? Should deciding who to go out with in college be a case-by-case basis, or should I have policies like, "Never go out with a guy who comes on to me (at the store, at the gym, at the student union, etc.)"? "Only go out with guys who I meet (at church, in class, at the library)"?

* What do people actually do on dates in the real world -- and what should I be careful about? Obviously, "come to my place and let's study" is a little fishy if it's somebody I don't know and trust really well...

Or should I not "date" people I meet at school at all? Only "date" people through my (currently nonexistent) dating profile? Is it ok to turn everybody down? What is the right thing, the Christian thing to do? I feel like the little fish being thrown into the sea...

I haven't been interested in "dating," but I would like to, somebody, have a relationship and family. So if I don't "date" -- how do I meet somebody?

If you are not interested in someone make it clear, also remember if a guy wants you to hang out with you, it is probably because he is interested in you. Unless it is in group situations, a man would not want to be friends with a girl.

Ask me if you need clarification.

 

[Sketcher]

If that were a book, I'd read it too.

What I can tell you is:

- Actions speak louder than words. No man will be perfect, but judge him by what he does rather than by what he claims.

- Don't be quick to be alone in private with a guy. Lots of rapes happen after trust has been established via social engineering.

- Related to both above points: If a guy keeps buying or bringing you drinks, that's a bad sign. Make sure you see what goes into every drink you accept, and don't let your drink go unwatched.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

MOD HAT ON!

Thread moved from Singles to Young Adults on OP request!

MOD HAT OFF!

 

[nonaeroterraqueous]

a man would not want to be friends with a girl.

That statement is as irritating as it is false.

 

[Halbhh]

So, I'm getting ready to go into the world, most likely to the Big Bad Secular University. I've never really dated: between being homeschooled, my parents not really approving of my dating, and being shy and introverted and scared, and not really that interested.

One of the things I have a lot of anxiety about is entering the dating scene... Even if I haven't had all that much interest in dating so far, I know I am entering "the scene" where people may be interested in me. And I'm not quite a completely unsocialized homeschooler but pretty close it, I'm afraid.

So I hope you can be patient with some pretty naive questions...

* If somebody I don't really know seems interested in me (hitting on me, trying to pick me up) -- how should I respond? Defensively, hostilely, indulgently? I don't want to attract a bunch of aggressive (predatory) guys, but I don't want to come off as weird or standoffish either...

* How do I quickly judge the character of somebody -- to know if I should want to go on a date with him or not? My gut instinct is, a guy who would come on to me aggressively and with lame pickup lines is probably not somebody I want to get to know... is that fair? Should deciding who to go out with in college be a case-by-case basis, or should I have policies like, "Never go out with a guy who comes on to me (at the store, at the gym, at the student union, etc.)"? "Only go out with guys who I meet (at church, in class, at the library)"?

* What do people actually do on dates in the real world -- and what should I be careful about? Obviously, "come to my place and let's study" is a little fishy if it's somebody I don't know and trust really well...

Or should I not "date" people I meet at school at all? Only "date" people through my (currently nonexistent) dating profile? Is it ok to turn everybody down? What is the right thing, the Christian thing to do? I feel like the little fish being thrown into the sea...

I haven't been interested in "dating," but I would like to, somebody, have a relationship and family. So if I don't "date" -- how do I meet somebody?

Most Americans would only marry say about age 25 or later, for good reasons. Usually this is best. For one thing, Americans tend to continue to change rapidly until their mid twenties, so that they are not well knowing exactly how they are and are not ready to be in a lifelong commitment yet. That doesn't mean you cannot have a college boyfriend, but make it clear right off the bat you don't want to go past friendship, and then bug out first sign it's going past that. You can dress in a way to signal that intent -- conservative dress that is modest. It's "you want to get to know me as a person, or not at all". I'd suggest you aim to socialize with other Christians frankly, and there will be groups of Christians around, possibly a large Christian group even (worth looking into).

 

[Jonathan Mathews]

So, I'm getting ready to go into the world, most likely to the Big Bad Secular University. I've never really dated: between being homeschooled, my parents not really approving of my dating, and being shy and introverted and scared, and not really that interested.

One of the things I have a lot of anxiety about is entering the dating scene... Even if I haven't had all that much interest in dating so far, I know I am entering "the scene" where people may be interested in me. And I'm not quite a completely unsocialized homeschooler but pretty close it, I'm afraid.

So I hope you can be patient with some pretty naive questions...

* If somebody I don't really know seems interested in me (hitting on me, trying to pick me up) -- how should I respond? Defensively, hostilely, indulgently? I don't want to attract a bunch of aggressive (predatory) guys, but I don't want to come off as weird or standoffish either...

* How do I quickly judge the character of somebody -- to know if I should want to go on a date with him or not? My gut instinct is, a guy who would come on to me aggressively and with lame pickup lines is probably not somebody I want to get to know... is that fair? Should deciding who to go out with in college be a case-by-case basis, or should I have policies like, "Never go out with a guy who comes on to me (at the store, at the gym, at the student union, etc.)"? "Only go out with guys who I meet (at church, in class, at the library)"?

* What do people actually do on dates in the real world -- and what should I be careful about? Obviously, "come to my place and let's study" is a little fishy if it's somebody I don't know and trust really well...

Or should I not "date" people I meet at school at all? Only "date" people through my (currently nonexistent) dating profile? Is it ok to turn everybody down? What is the right thing, the Christian thing to do? I feel like the little fish being thrown into the sea...

I haven't been interested in "dating," but I would like to, somebody, have a relationship and family. So if I don't "date" -- how do I meet somebody?

It may help to know that Dating is not in the Scriptures. There were friends, and people Courted or were betrothed. That's how they got to know each other without sex before marriage. Dating is confusing because of the expectations for physical intimacy which belong only in marriage. Remaining friends until you are willing to Court for marriage or be betrothed is my recommendation and has served me well.

 

[Not David]

That statement is as irritating as it is false.

Did you read the rest?

 

[Mary Meg]

If a guy wants you to hang out with you, it is probably because he is interested in you. Unless it is in group situations, a man would not want to be friends with a girl.

That statement is as irritating as it is false.

I am confused about this... How do I know which it is?

 

[Mary Meg]

It may help to know that Dating is not in the Scriptures. There were friends, and people Courted or were betrothed. That's how they got to know each other without sex before marriage. Dating is confusing because of the expectations for physical intimacy which belong only in marriage. Remaining friends until you are willing to Court for marriage or be betrothed is my recommendation and has served me well.

This is very interesting. I have heard of "courtship" today... but I have some questions:

Does that mean not doing things with a boy, not even as friends? How do you become friends with somebody if you don't spend time with them? And if you spend time doing things with them as friends, isn't that very similar to "dating" -- just a difference in what you call it?

 

[Jonathan Mathews]

This is very interesting. I have heard of "courtship" today... but I have some questions:

Does that mean not doing things with a boy, not even as friends? How do you become friends with somebody if you don't spend time with them? And if you spend time doing things with them as friends, isn't that very similar to "dating" -- just a difference in what you call it?

It's what's implied with "dating" that causes problems. For example, in modern "dating", you are BOUND to that person in commitment. Most people understand "dating" as mutually exclusive... you can't date multiple people at the same time. This type of dating is an unscriptural COMMMITMENT to that person. It's tring to force the commitment of Marriage BEFORE you are really One. If you remain sexually pure and do not make false promises, you should be able to date any number of people at any time FREELY. If this is your understanding of "Dating" then it's fine. But that's not what most people mean by "dating". If your dating partner finds out your dating other people, they are usually offended. This is not what "dating" should be. Dating should simply be "doing things together", but in today's world, it means more like exclusive relationship and sex before Marriage, which are both not in God's design. On the other hand, Betrothal and Courtship is for the express purpose of determining if this is the person to marry. That is why it can be mutually exclusive without causing problems. There's a goal, and it's only with 1 person. "Dating" has no goal. It's just "hangin'" or enjoying each other's company. You should be able to do this with any number of people, but again because it is not kept Holy, today's "dating" is a relationship SNARE. It's a pit many fall into and never get out.

 

[Not David]

I am confused about this... How do I know which it is?

Like I said, one can be friends with people from the other sex in a group of other friends, or organizations. A man who wants to hang out with you with no other friend around, unless you work together or something like that, wants a relationship.

 

[Dave-W]

Mary Meg is graduating high school today. Send her some love.

 

[carp614]

Quick judgement of character is just that...quick.

If their heart is in the right place it will become evident fairly quickly. If their interest in you is impure, that will become evident quickly too.

 

[Mel333]

The best marriage is a marriage of friendship. My husband is my best friend.

I suggest making sure you begin getting to know another as friends and then if there is chemistry, going to the next stage...

Go on dates. Coffee, icecream just getting to know one another and just have fun!