Dating and Marriage...Is it worth it?

[Sakhile]

Hi all. I am a Christian single woman. At first I was not dating because I had daddy issues and trust issues with men because of the lack of male role models in my life. However, now I am single because I have been focused on developing myself, career, mental, physical and spiritual.
However, I am curious and I do wonder if I will ever date or marry. I am almost 27 and I live in a black community in South Africa where unfortunately many kids grow up fatherless and black boys don't know what it is like to be a real man and leader. Most guys around me objectify women and think that being a man is about money and status. I have never met a guy who has inspired me to date him and at the same time I have many hang ups about relationships. I have my life to figure out and I have dealt with many issues regarding black men, like my little brother doing drugs because his father never paid attention to him and kept disappointing him. Is it worth hoping that good men exist and actually believing in such a thing as a good marriage. I would rather focus on fixing myself and doing what I can to contribute positively to the world. The problem though, is that I WOULD like to meet a decent man, who loves God and has values...but, I do not think he exists.
How can I be a positive single person but without being bitter about marriage and totally throwing that option out?

 

[dayhiker]

I of course don't know anything about SF. But I suspect there is a man somewhere near you that loves God. I pray God brings that right one across your path.

 

[Goodbook]

Just leave it with God and He can work in you in the meantime. (and the men around you. I say its easier to let go and let God then try and fix another man!)

Also, I always think of the scripture where Paul says its better not to marry for both women and men...and God has shown me the benefits and blessings of being single.

the experience of dating leaves much to be desired...its pretty much the same the world over unless you had the privelige of perhaps growing up in a totally christian environment.

 

[CCHIPSS]

How about the Christian men who goes to church? Do they also only care about money and status just like the world does? If yes maybe go to a different church which a better pastor or environment.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Is dating and marriage worth it? Totes. It's great.

How can I be a positive single person but without being bitter about marriage and totally throwing that option out?

By focusing on self improvement and living your life, forget about dating. The moment you put that stuff away is the moment you start becoming more appealing to the opposite sex. There's actually scientific research that suggests people give off a pheromonal "stench" when they're even remotely desperate. Others smell this and are subconsciously repelled.

A lot of people will tell you the moment you stop looking is the moment you will find someone. So try to stop looking and see what happens. Work on improving who you are as a person, work on becoming as emotionally healthy as possible, work on any kind of career or vocation that you might have, work on cultivating your faith more and more, and let the rest fall into place when God wants it to.

 

[EyesOfKohl]

Hi all. I am a Christian single woman. At first I was not dating because I had daddy issues and trust issues with men because of the lack of male role models in my life. However, now I am single because I have been focused on developing myself, career, mental, physical and spiritual.
However, I am curious and I do wonder if I will ever date or marry. I am almost 27 and I live in a black community in South Africa where unfortunately many kids grow up fatherless and black boys don't know what it is like to be a real man and leader. Most guys around me objectify women and think that being a man is about money and status. I have never met a guy who has inspired me to date him and at the same time I have many hang ups about relationships. I have my life to figure out and I have dealt with many issues regarding black men, like my little brother doing drugs because his father never paid attention to him and kept disappointing him. Is it worth hoping that good men exist and actually believing in such a thing as a good marriage. I would rather focus on fixing myself and doing what I can to contribute positively to the world. The problem though, is that I WOULD like to meet a decent man, who loves God and has values...but, I do not think he exists.
How can I be a positive single person but without being bitter about marriage and totally throwing that option out?

Why not date a white guy? (No racism intended here)

There are decent guys out there with respect within any ethnicity, we do exist

If your community is having a lot of problems, one of the best things for troubled youth is inspiration. Some people won't just change because you tell them, but if you can inspire them in some way, they will take it upon themselves to change.

Enjoy your life at the moment and make the most of your opportunities in the present time. God willing, you will meet a decent guy.

 

[Sakhile]

Thanks for your input all of you. But my problem is not being single. My problem is "hating" men. Hate is a bit of a strong word, but I do not want to have this deep dislike and distrust and bitterness towards men. Whether I am single or not. Because even if God did send a super guy, I would probably not give him the time of day because at the end of the day, he is a man. I want to not hate men.

 

[Sakhile]

Is dating and marriage worth it? Totes. It's great.



By focusing on self improvement and living your life, forget about dating. The moment you put that stuff away is the moment you start becoming more appealing to the opposite sex. There's actually scientific research that suggests people give off a pheromonal "stench" when they're even remotely desperate. Others smell this and are subconsciously repelled.

A lot of people will tell you the moment you stop looking is the moment you will find someone. So try to stop looking and see what happens. Work on improving who you are as a person, work on becoming as emotionally healthy as possible, work on any kind of career or vocation that you might have, work on cultivating your faith more and more, and let the rest fall into place when God wants it to.

The issue is not being single, the issue is being bitter towards men, I want to not dislike them so much.

 

[Gnarwhal]

The issue is not being single, the issue is being bitter towards men, I want to not dislike them so much.

Try seeing if there are any books out there on the subject, because I got nothin.

 

[Goodbook]

Your focus is on yourself and the world. Your focus ought to be on Jesus.
You are a christian, right? A christian forgives. Even when people hurt you, we forgive them if they dont kniw what they are doing and dont hold it against them. JEsus died for men too.

 

[Swan7]

Thanks for your input all of you. But my problem is not being single. My problem is "hating" men. Hate is a bit of a strong word, but I do not want to have this deep dislike and distrust and bitterness towards men. Whether I am single or not. Because even if God did send a super guy, I would probably not give him the time of day because at the end of the day, he is a man. I want to not hate men.

I've been where you are... believe it or not. Maybe not so much hate, but have been afraid ... even terrified of them for a few years. God worked on my heart and I'm sure He's working on yours, if you let Him. Ask Him and you shall certainly receive.

 

[Saucy]

I will pray for God to change your heart

 

[EyesOfKohl]

Thanks for your input all of you. But my problem is not being single. My problem is "hating" men. Hate is a bit of a strong word, but I do not want to have this deep dislike and distrust and bitterness towards men. Whether I am single or not. Because even if God did send a super guy, I would probably not give him the time of day because at the end of the day, he is a man. I want to not hate men.

Why do you feel such a discontent against men?

 

[miss-a]

Dating can definitely be rough going, and then so many people tell us that marriage is "sooooo hard; it's such hard work. . ."

But here's what makes it worth it. You finally meet a guy who you are on the same page with spiritually. He truly wants a relationship, a life partner, someone to be good to, not someone to own and control. He wants to talk about marriage long before marriage is really in the picture so that we can discuss all things that could make "soooooo hard; such hard work. . ." He wants to learn from the mistakes of his past. He is really interested in who you are as a person and what God wants for your life. He respects you and appreciates you. He even is so humble that he gets a little nervous around you sometimes because he wants so much to please you and be accepted. He's positive and encouraging, and truly loves the Lord and wants to follow Him from his heart, rather than a set of worn out rules. Then slowly you forget all the bad guys and bad dates and disappointments, and you begin to believe that God actually may have made at least one guy who could love you for you, and allow himself to be loved by you. And the rest of it is just a bunch of stuff you went through to get here.

From a sister who has been through A LOT of trials and disappointments, I need to tell you, I think I met that guy, and it's pretty great, and worth the risk. I'm not saying take unnecessary risks, (I mean I still know how to stop the blood flow to someone's corrodid artery, and carry pepper spray, should it be needed) but I would encourage you to be open to the possiblility that since God created the heavens and the earth, He can mold the heart of at least one man to a shape that would cause that man to treat you like the daughter of God that you are. It might take some time, but He can do it.

Blessings and prayers,
a

 

[miss-a]

Why do you feel such a discontent against men?

Can I answer that for her?: The married man who hit on me in the church parking lot. The decon with the girlfriend who wanted to string me along in case things didn't work out with the girlfriend. The guy who stalked me to the church ladies room. The guy I had to block from my online dating profile. All the guys who think the word wife and employee are synonymous. All the guys who acted like I have no feelings. . .

I realize that women can be nasty too, but I don't date women. There's a great deal of nastiness that goes on in the dating world and the world in general. It's enough to stop anyone from trying. I just think it's better at those times to look to God, and trust that He can overcome it all and give us the desires of our hearts.

 

[Goodbook]

Just last week I was at the beach lying there catching some rays as a beach goer does, hanging out with my female friend who was in the water and this random guy comes up to me and asks me do I have gingerbeer?

Im like..no, sorry. And I pull my hat over my head cos im lying face down with my back to the sun.
But for some reason this guy keeps staring at me and wont go away. Then i peek and hes still there and i feel this hand on my leg.

I instinctly swat it away and say get off me! Then he leaves and goes on down the beach and I go what is that?! what makes a man feel like he can touch a woman he doesnt even know on her leg?! Women dont do that to each other.

And what a strange question?! I just put it down to 'creepy guy' like all the others whove done that.

 

[ReesePiece23]

By focusing on self improvement and living your life, forget about dating. The moment you put that stuff away is the moment you start becoming more appealing to the opposite sex. There's actually scientific research that suggests people give off a pheromonal "stench" when they're even remotely desperate. Others smell this and are subconsciously repelled.

A lot of people will tell you the moment you stop looking is the moment you will find someone. So try to stop looking and see what happens. Work on improving who you are as a person, work on becoming as emotionally healthy as possible, work on any kind of career or vocation that you might have, work on cultivating your faith more and more, and let the rest fall into place when God wants it to.

As I've always said, a thriving person is an attractive person. I know this sounds all 'new age' and nonsensical, but it really is all about generating positive energy from within and projecting it out to the world. If you have a solid relationship with yourself, and if you love the person YOU are, then that is exactly the energy you'll give off to others, and then those people will naturally gravitate to you.

That's not even the best bit. Seeing yourself grow, develop, and come ALIVE in ways that you never thought you ever would do, is an experience that I honestly can't compare with anything else. Nothing even comes close to it.

I'm getting to a point now where I think I'll live out the majority of my remaining days single. I'll just accumulate lots of friends and meet reams of interesting people on my journey.

 

[miss-a]

Just last week I was at the beach lying there catching some rays as a beach goer does, hanging out with my female friend who was in the water and this random guy comes up to me and asks me do I have gingerbeer?

Im like..no, sorry. And I pull my hat over my head cos im lying face down with my back to the sun.
But for some reason this guy keeps staring at me and wont go away. Then i peek and hes still there and i feel this hand on my leg.

I instinctly swat it away and say get off me! Then he leaves and goes on down the beach and I go what is that?! what makes a man feel like he can touch a woman he doesnt even know on her leg?! Women dont do that to each other.

And what a strange question?! I just put it down to 'creepy guy' like all the others whove done that.

Totally creepy. Get pepper spray.

 

[EyesOfKohl]

Can I answer that for her?: The married man who hit on me in the church parking lot. The decon with the girlfriend who wanted to string me along in case things didn't work out with the girlfriend. The guy who stalked me to the church ladies room. The guy I had to block from my online dating profile. All the guys who think the word wife and employee are synonymous. All the guys who acted like I have no feelings. . .

I realize that women can be nasty too, but I don't date women. There's a great deal of nastiness that goes on in the dating world and the world in general. It's enough to stop anyone from trying. I just think it's better at those times to look to God, and trust that He can overcome it all and give us the desires of our hearts.

Good answer and fair enough.

There are a lot of men out there without honor.

I have never dated myself because I struggle to find someone who has the same principals as me and this is a must.

I know what you mean though, I've had girls who are walking with their boyfriends start trying to check me out etc. and I think, lady, you're in a relationship, wake up!!

 

[EyesOfKohl]

Just last week I was at the beach lying there catching some rays as a beach goer does, hanging out with my female friend who was in the water and this random guy comes up to me and asks me do I have gingerbeer?

Im like..no, sorry. And I pull my hat over my head cos im lying face down with my back to the sun.
But for some reason this guy keeps staring at me and wont go away. Then i peek and hes still there and i feel this hand on my leg.

I instinctly swat it away and say get off me! Then he leaves and goes on down the beach and I go what is that?! what makes a man feel like he can touch a woman he doesnt even know on her leg?! Women dont do that to each other.

And what a strange question?! I just put it down to 'creepy guy' like all the others whove done that.

Whoah, that is really inappropriate.

If I saw that happening I would have gone and smacked him out or heavily abused him.