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Dating again, are these deal breakers?

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Timahani, Jul 22, 2019.

  1. Timahani

    Timahani Newbie

    704
    +241
    Pentecostal
    Single
    Hey all,

    After 17 years, I am finally dating again. Just to let you know. It was by accident, but I wanted to focus on my career and improve my financial status. Anyways, I finally prayed to God and told him to send someone my way :crossrc::crossrc: . I met someone wonderful in another country (which is what I wanted). He treats me great. His family is Christian. I am fluent in the language so there are no barriers there. I am only concerned because of two factors: 1) his socioeconomic status is much lower than mine (there is a grave difference) 2) he has 4 children. I have no children at all and was never married. I have met his mom and family. I have been to his home (so he is single), and he is open to marrying me in the future. It has only been a short period of time. He wants to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend. I am more skeptical and need more time before committing. What are your thoughts or opinions? Are the above two factors dealbreakers? (Mature responses please, thank you.)
     
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  2. mukk_in

    mukk_in Yankees fan Supporter

    +3,276
    India
    Christian
    Celibate
    Only the Lord knows His will for you. You may want to stay away from a poor prospective husband who can't support you. Four children shouldn't be a problem, if you're willing to accept the responsibility of "adopting" them. Peace in Christ.
     
  3. Heavenhome

    Heavenhome Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,941
    Australia
    Christian
    Single
    It seems as if you are not certain so I think it is advisable not to rush into things.
    As long as we are able to have food, clothing, housing and water- everything else is a bonus as we are to be content in the Lord .

    If you are bothered about the financial side well only you know if you will resent having the more money and possibly be contributing more. If so, then it is best to stop before getting too involved.

    This is my opinion only but what would be the most important thing to ME is that my partner is CHRISTIAN (in word and deed), whether he cares properly for his children, love is shared (meaning not only romantic love but real love that wants the best for the other and that both sides are happy to be a proper family sharing all things together.


    If you have any misgivings, wait until you are totally sure and if need be, acknowledge that it is not to be and walk away.
     
  4. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

    +2,839
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I would spend a lot of time in prayer on this issue. It’s a serious undertaking. And you must be honest with yourself and him.

    You must decide if you’re willing to take on the responsibilities of his children without reservation or complaint. They aren’t going anywhere.

    You must decide if you’re willing to be the primary breadwinner in the relationship. Don’t base your decision on assumptions or possible changes.

    Do you desire children? Are you able to afford supporting others in addition to his? Will you be upset if you’re unable to bear children due to the expense?

    Can you love and respect him as he is without thoughts of betterment or fixing him up in some way? Marriage is an as-is agreement. If you base your decision on the person you hope becomes you’ll be disappointed.

    This is a lot of responsibility. Can you live like this for forty years or more? Or will you regret the things you haven’t seen and done?

    We may empathize with someone due to our faith. But it doesn’t mean we’re ready or equipped to step into the situation. We may be in over our heads.

    If you’re trying to save or rescue him offer that in prayer to God and let Him handle it instead.
     
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  5. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran

    +2,677
    Non-Denom
    Married
    You've gotten some good advice already. Thrilled that you are considering this carefully. Something I see is - since you don't have children and there's 4. My hat is off to you because there will be a huge learning curve - actually 4 of them. Are they grown? Do they live with their dad? No matter their age, do they depend on him financially? (Don't expect for you to respond Don't get me wrong - children are gifts from God, priceless, awesome, ++++

    As far as the perspective husband, how does he act when he gets into a very stressful situation or mad?
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
  6. JustRachel

    JustRachel He welcomed me back! <3 Supporter

    565
    +525
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Take your time. Four kids would be a big responsibility! Does he work and if not, is he able to work?
     
  7. Timahani

    Timahani Newbie

    704
    +241
    Pentecostal
    Single
    Yes, he does work and he is able to work.
     
  8. Timahani

    Timahani Newbie

    704
    +241
    Pentecostal
    Single
    His children are still young and they live with their mom.He does pay child support. In terms of his personality when he gets angry he becomes really sarcastic but nothing outlandish. I have a zero tolerance policy for aggression and I am not afraid to call it "quits" if someone gets out of hand...Lol.
     
  9. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +4,955
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    Were he and the mother ever married? If so, why are they apart now?
    What does he do for a living? How long has he been doing it? Both career-wise, and at his current place of employment?
     
  10. Redwingfan9

    Redwingfan9 Member

    184
    +150
    United States
    Reformed
    Married
    Deal breakers? Not necessarily. That said, there are two things you should be concerned about. Is he interested in you because he views you as a way to economically move up in the world? That's a reasonable concern that will only be alleviated by getting to know him and his family and friends better. The other thing to be concerned about is the kids. You will never be mommy to them and you may have to deal with a baby mama and the drama associated with that. Those kids may tolerate you but will you be able to lay down the law when you need to? You have to decide for yourself what you would be comfortable with in terms of your relationship with those kids. If you're okay with them shooting back at you "you're not my mom" then fine but if you wouldn't be okay with that then you really need to get to know those kids and form a relationship with them before taking the next step with their dad.
     
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  11. Timahani

    Timahani Newbie

    704
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    He was with his children's mother 12 years and they were never married. He said they broke up due to bickering and irreconsilable differences. Lastly, he works at a concient store amd has been there for 10 years.
     
  12. Timahani

    Timahani Newbie

    704
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    Pentecostal
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    I have worked many years with children and adolescents in both education and psychology. As a result, I am very accostomed to dealing with them. They live with their mom, who lives in a different country than I do. I highly doubt that they will be moving in with me do to the distance. However, you have made a good point.
     
  13. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +4,955
    Non-Denom
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    What's a concient store?
     
  14. HouseCat71

    HouseCat71 .

    147
    +131
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Constitution
    I agree with RedWingfan. The whole financial thing sends up a red flag for me. Most men in this situation are looking for a replacement mother, not a companion. Make VERY sure that he's not using you as a sugar momma and nanny.
     
  15. Timahani

    Timahani Newbie

    704
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    He has been working at this store for 10 years. It's just a store.
     
  16. Timahani

    Timahani Newbie

    704
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    Thank you for your insight. I will make sure of that.
     
  17. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +4,955
    Non-Denom
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    US-Republican
    What's his position there?
     
  18. pdudgeon

    pdudgeon Traditional Catholic

    +9,293
    United States
    Catholic
    Widowed
    US-Republican
    If he's been employed at the same store for 10 years, that shows both stability and commitment, which is a good thing. Have you talked with him about the prospects of him moving into management?

    As far as the economics, one of my cousins had a similar problem with her fiancé (she had more money than he did), but they found a clever way around it. She contributed an equal part of her salary to the family budget, and they banked the remainder. He eventually moved up in his job, and his salary grew.

    At the same time their increased savings had a stabilizing effect on the family, and allowed them to pay off old debits without accumulating new ones.
     
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  19. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +5,678
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    past behavior often predicts future behavior

    four children with another woman yet never married her
    sorry, but this sends so many red flags
     
  20. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +829
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I haven't read all of the responses, but generally a severe income difference points out too much of a difference in or IQ.

    The best results in a marriage are between two partners who have relatively similar IQs and intellect. Otherwise the conversation for the one partner will be boring and the other will be overwhelming. You will not end up enjoying your time together and it will greatly impact your marital happiness.

    Adding to the boredom you will develop that you will be supporting his children, I don't see much in this relationship for you.
     
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