Dating a non-virgin

[Scott McKnight]

Dear All,

I am currently dating a girl and i found out that she is not a virgin. As for me through the Grace of God i am. I understand and truly believe that it was not my will, but rather God's Will and Grace that intervened in many of these situations where i could too have slept with a girl. The issue i'm having now is not that i don't want to forgive her, since this is all new to me, the thoughts are battling me from all angles. One thought is the double-standard, "it would have more appropriate for a guy to be the one who's a non-virgin than the girl," another thought was "maybe she'll live the rest of her life knowing that there 'better' guys out there," and finally the images of her being intimate with others greatly distresses me. As of now things are going really well, we're getting along great and thank God He brought her into my life. I was hoping to get a reply from someone with experience who was a virgin and married a non-virgin and to see a few things: 1) how did they get over these issues, 2) did they feel completely at peace before marriage (is this something that is possible?), 3) has this issue caused more issues in the marriage such as jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust, or is it something that is sort of irrelevant in their thoughts now?

Last of all, I understand that it is basically pride that is being struck up in me with all these thoughts "i deserve better..." and i hate that i feel this way, however, it is a natural feeling i believe and besides begging for everyones prayers in this forum i'm not sure how that feeling will change.

Thank you all and please pray for both of us. God Bless

 

[Dave-W]

The issue i'm having now is not that i don't want to forgive her, since this is all new to me, the thoughts are battling me from all angles.

Forgiveness is the act of deleting a debt owed. You cannot forgive a debt not owed TO YOU.

What does she owe you? Her virginity? Why?

I was hoping to get a reply from someone with experience who was a virgin and married a non-virgin

I was a virgin and married (unbeknownst to me) someone who had been sexually abused hundreds of times by a teen age relative when she was in grade school. Close enough?

1) how did they get over these issues,

Getting over something is a relative term. In one sense you never get over it, if it has lingering emotional wounds from the activity. The thing is all of us are born sinners. We have all done bad things, some really bad. But if we have truly repented and turned away from the sins, we are in a better place to help others with that same struggle.

2) did they feel completely at peace before marriage (is this something that is possible?)

Since we were not allowed to discuss sexuality in our congregation before marriage, it never came up. So I cannot answer that one.

3) has this issue caused more issues in the marriage such as jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust, or is it something that is sort of irrelevant in their thoughts now?

It cause issues, not on my part but on hers, in that she absolutely hated sex and anything to do with it. It took a long time to get past that.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Dear All,

I am currently dating a girl and i found out that she is not a virgin. As for me through the Grace of God i am. I understand and truly believe that it was not my will, but rather God's Will and Grace that intervened in many of these situations where i could too have slept with a girl. The issue i'm having now is not that i don't want to forgive her, since this is all new to me, the thoughts are battling me from all angles.
It be important that the young lady confessed her sin to God, He is the one forgives us when we sin/miss the mark/fall short.

One thought is the double-standard, "it would have more appropriate for a guy to be the one who's a non-virgin than the girl," another thought was "maybe she'll live the rest of her life knowing that there 'better' guys out there,"
You should renew your mind with biblical truth instead of giving room to jealous thoughts.

and finally the images of her being intimate with others greatly distresses me.
I thought you said you were a virgin? you imaging her being intimate with others? that's you being unholy in your thought life.
Being a virgin isn't just someone who never had sex, a virgin seeks to be holy in thoughts and deeds...he/she seeks to live a god-honoring life.
Understand young person, we all fall short/sin/miss the mark...that be why we need a Savior...only in Jesus do we have any righteousness because he imparts it to us who sought him for salvation...he is Lord over all.


As of now things are going really well, we're getting along great and thank God He brought her into my life. I was hoping to get a reply from someone with experience who was a virgin and married a non-virgin and to see a few things: 1) how did they get over these issues, 2) did they feel completely at peace before marriage (is this something that is possible?), 3) has this issue caused more issues in the marriage such as jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust, or is it something that is sort of irrelevant in their thoughts now?
If you be insecure, untrusting, jealous those are issues you had way before you started dating your girlfriend.
Those are issues you take before the Lord and ask him to help you to overcome them...don't rake your girlfriend over the coals because she had sex with someone else in the past...what be important is that she repented of that and is now walking humbly with God and living to honor Him.

Last of all, I understand that it is basically pride that is being struck up in me with all these thoughts "i deserve better..." and i hate that i feel this way, however, it is a natural feeling i believe and besides begging for everyones prayers in this forum i'm not sure how that feeling will change.

Thank you all and please pray for both of us. God Bless

You have better, if the girl has repented and is living a god-honoring life.
The best spouse any of us can have is one that be living a god-honoring life.
It be my deepest hope and prayer that both of you will lead god-honoring lives, be sincere, show agape to one another and towards others.
And remember that the only real righteousness you have is what Jesus imparted to you.

May we all remember that without a Savior, we'd still be dirty rotten sinners bound for the fiery lake/hell.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Its ok to date a non-virgin. People mess up sometimes. Just be willing to accept it and move on. Now, if she wanted sex before you married then I'd question her. But if shes willing to wait then you will be fine. As the saying goes "Let those without sin cast for the first stone!".

Also I can tell you as a non-virgin that we do regret it when we are back on track. So if someone told us they didn't want to date us because of our past, its very hard on us.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Mat 5:27-28 KJV
(27) Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
(28) But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

if you've never looked on a woman to lust after her (in an internet ad, TV commercial, movie, billboard, sears catalog, etc.) then maybe you are still a virgin...

 

[Greg J.]

Dear All,

I am currently dating a girl and i found out that she is not a virgin. As for me through the Grace of God i am. I understand and truly believe that it was not my will, but rather God's Will and Grace that intervened in many of these situations where i could too have slept with a girl. The issue i'm having now is not that i don't want to forgive her, since this is all new to me, the thoughts are battling me from all angles. One thought is the double-standard, "it would have more appropriate for a guy to be the one who's a non-virgin than the girl," another thought was "maybe she'll live the rest of her life knowing that there 'better' guys out there," and finally the images of her being intimate with others greatly distresses me. As of now things are going really well, we're getting along great and thank God He brought her into my life. I was hoping to get a reply from someone with experience who was a virgin and married a non-virgin and to see a few things: 1) how did they get over these issues, 2) did they feel completely at peace before marriage (is this something that is possible?), 3) has this issue caused more issues in the marriage such as jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust, or is it something that is sort of irrelevant in their thoughts now?

Last of all, I understand that it is basically pride that is being struck up in me with all these thoughts "i deserve better..." and i hate that i feel this way, however, it is a natural feeling i believe and besides begging for everyones prayers in this forum i'm not sure how that feeling will change.

Thank you all and please pray for both of us. God Bless

It sounds like you need to wrestle with this longer. As Dave indicates, you can't forgive her for things she has not done to you. The problem you are wrestling is probably due to your sinful nature. You feel like she owes you something when she does not. Do you think if you dated more non-virgins that you'd need to forgive each of them for things they did before you even knew them?

I can understand why it can seem like you need to forgive her, because what you need is a forgiving and accepting heart of love (but it isn't dependent on her needing your forgiveness). In your heart, if you do not forgive everyone their sins, then you will not have a heart that God will forgive.

Her past is between her and God. If she is interested in staying with you, then you may have a legitimate social expectation for her present and future. But her moral and spiritual accountability for the past is with God (and perhaps other people), but not you.

From a more practical standpoint, do you think you need her forgiveness for sins you committed before you met her?

 

[TurtleAnne]

There are probably more virgin men than virgin women in western society (not sure about others). Think about it. If a woman is being tempted by sex before marriage, most of the men around her will have sex with her. If a man is being tempted by sex before marriage, it's not like (for most men) there will be hundreds of women within a 5 mile radius willing to have sex with him. But the more manipulative men know that they can exploit a lonely woman's desire for intimacy, and then fake emotional bonding / love to get in her pants. These sorts of men will go around doing this to as many women as possible, so then you are looking at many cases where it's one guy who has slept with 10, 20, 30, etc women. That's 10/20/30+ women who all lost their virginity to one guy. While meanwhile the majority of men would probably sleep with women if they had the chance, but don't (at least not the attractive women they're after), so it just doesn't happen.

On the flip-side and in part as a result, the majority of men are addicted to inappropriate contentography, whereas most women are not. The majority of men (including Christian men) have been regularly viewing inappropriate contentography for years. So in other words committing sexual sin with hundreds to thousands of women over the years, but telling themselves that it "doesn't count" since it was just movies or the internet. But it does count and it does cause a negative impact. Unrealistic expectations, desensitization, a more selfish attitude in the bedroom, etc are all common problems. When things get rocky in a marriage, the inappropriate content-addicted man is likely to not try to work it out, and to instead just abandon his wife in the intimacy department and retreat back to his inappropriate content. In many cases he won't even be able to have sex with his wife without thinking of the inappropriate content to which he has conditioned himself for years. And since he's desensitized himself to 'sampling' hundreds to thousands of women, he very quickly grows bored with his one wife. And so on and so forth.

The big difference is that while it is common for a girlfriend to admit to her boyfriend that she has a sexual past, it is very rare for a boyfriend to respond by confessing that he gets off to other women multiple times per week and has been for years, and will probably go home and get off to other women that night after the date.

Now, I will also say, that you shouldn't let anyone guilt-trip you into giving up a standard that feels very important to you. If you feel extremely strongly about this, then by all means, gracefully and respectfully break up with her and move on.

But, be sure to consider two things:

1. There is no sure-fire way for a woman to prove that she is a virgin, nor a sure-fire way to prove that a woman is not a virgin. So if you tell your dates upfront that it's very important to you that they are a virgin, any of them can just lie to you about it. You currently have a girlfriend who respected you enough to tell you the truth, even though it made her look bad in your eyes.

2. If you guilt-trip a woman about her sexual past, the first time she catches you with inappropriate content, run for your life.

 

[DusmoProkuon]

As security, you must urge your lover to repent of her sin in prayer for the firstly of the healing process, as the sinful nature itself must be nullified even if it seems dormant in years. It is not if she does not love you fully, but knowing Satan's wiles, may try to exploit that to sabotage matters through directness or indirectness like with your worries being ridden by the past.

Secondly, as aforementioned, we are all imperfect. It is allowed on condition that she has moved on from the former life as a better person, then she will not despise you with comparisons from her experiences, you know. Entrust the romance to our Lord to abound it in love and safeguard it to not let that flame be quenched with the "tests" of life for it remain in sincerity forever.

 

[Odetta]

You used a lot of nice words in your post, but honestly all I see is how you're judging her, and that is not your place. If you can't deal and accept her as she is, then for both of your sakes, you two need to move on. This relationship is NOT going well as you claim, if you have these feelings, and even if you think it's going well right now, these things will destroy the relationship and hurt her in the process.

That said, I know you're posting for help to move past these feelings, and on one level, I can commend that. It shows you have a heart to seek after God, and that is such good thing. My concern, however, is that you claim these feelings are natural, and I think you're confusing "natural" with "holy". Sin natures are our natural bent, and only by the grace of God can we overcome them. If you want to keep the relationship, it's a very simple thing that you need to do to get over this - repent from passing judgement on her. And how awesome that we have a God that can change our hearts.

 

[Victor E.]

You used a lot of nice words in your post, but honestly all I see is how you're judging her, and that is not your place. If you can't deal and accept her as she is, then for both of your sakes, you two need to move on. This relationship is NOT going well as you claim, if you have these feelings, and even if you think it's going well right now, these things will destroy the relationship and hurt her in the process.

That said, I know you're posting for help to move past these feelings, and on one level, I can commend that. It shows you have a heart to seek after God, and that is such good thing. My concern, however, is that you claim these feelings are natural, and I think you're confusing "natural" with "holy". Sin natures are our natural bent, and only by the grace of God can we overcome them. If you want to keep the relationship, it's a very simple thing that you need to do to get over this - repent from passing judgement on her. And how awesome that we have a God that can change our hearts.

He's speaking Truth from God's Word. It's the hasty labeling "judging" that prevents the Body of Christ from functioning as it should. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18, 1 Corinthians 6:9-20 This is a legitimate concern. Sexual sins are not just the same as any other sin. Be considerate of his concern. Not everyone lives a watered-down gospel. He needs to be sure that's she's been transformed through repentance in genuine love for Christ and God. Circumcision is a matter of heart, and appearances can be very deceiving.

We need to stop responding by emotion, and rather with Love and Truth of Scripture. Marriage has been the ruin of many a Disciple.

“The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick;
Who can understand it?

“I, the LORD, search the heart,
I test the mind,
Even to give to each man according to his ways,
According to the results of his deeds." Jeremiah 17:9-10

It is profitable not to misconstrue "judging" with accountability in the Church of Christ's Body.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Dear All,

I am currently dating a girl and i found out that she is not a virgin. As for me through the Grace of God i am. I understand and truly believe that it was not my will, but rather God's Will and Grace that intervened in many of these situations where i could too have slept with a girl. The issue i'm having now is not that i don't want to forgive her, since this is all new to me, the thoughts are battling me from all angles. One thought is the double-standard, "it would have more appropriate for a guy to be the one who's a non-virgin than the girl," another thought was "maybe she'll live the rest of her life knowing that there 'better' guys out there," and finally the images of her being intimate with others greatly distresses me. As of now things are going really well, we're getting along great and thank God He brought her into my life. I was hoping to get a reply from someone with experience who was a virgin and married a non-virgin and to see a few things: 1) how did they get over these issues, 2) did they feel completely at peace before marriage (is this something that is possible?), 3) has this issue caused more issues in the marriage such as jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust, or is it something that is sort of irrelevant in their thoughts now?

Last of all, I understand that it is basically pride that is being struck up in me with all these thoughts "i deserve better..." and i hate that i feel this way, however, it is a natural feeling i believe and besides begging for everyones prayers in this forum i'm not sure how that feeling will change.

Thank you all and please pray for both of us. God Bless

I could give an elaborate answer, but... ...just take it as an opportunity to extend some of the grace of Christ to a woman who may, in the long-run, prove to be a "great" helpmate to you. Keep in mind, too, she may have to overlook some your moral failures, if not today, then perhaps "tomorrow." (But, let's hope that she won't have to do that! )

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[faroukfarouk]

1. There is no sure-fire way for a woman to prove that she is a virgin, nor a sure-fire way to prove that a woman is not a virgin. So if you tell your dates upfront that it's very important to you that they are a virgin, any of them can just lie to you about it. You currently have a girlfriend who respected you enough to tell you the truth, even though it made her look bad in your eyes.

2. If you guilt-trip a woman about her sexual past, the first time she catches you with inappropriate content, run for your life.

Some sobering reflections. There certainly needs to be a great deal of humility all round, when people are discussing putting into practice Biblical principles in their lives, right?

 

[Kiterius]

I was a virgin and married a woman who definitely was not a virgin since she had two sons. There was nothing to forgive her for. Her first marriage ended in divorce, then we met, fell in love, and got married.

 

[ml5363]

I was a virgin...my husband was not..I chalked it up to be wasn't saved at the time and we all make mistakes

 

[lewis5398]

Hey man I know this was a while ago but like myself, people will read this thread who are in the same position looking for answers.

To cut to the truth I too am in the same position as yourself. In a relationship where unfortunately my gf made mistakes in a past relationship when she was younger. As I did not meet her till I was older and never knew her in her “wild” stage it was like a complete shock as I could never even imagine her like that. Having known of her friends and the type of people they were it wasn’t a complete shock and something that I had asked God to prepare me for in the possibility of my thoughts about her being true.

It wasn’t easy, infact was the hardest thing ever to hear. I questioned God, why? Why has this got to involve me? But God quickly reminded me of my sin and how he hates it. In Gods eyes a sin is a sin and he hates them all! Also God taught me that she doesn’t need to be sorry to me for anything, she’s said sorry to Him a thousand times over and has repented from what she’s done. Remember she was not with you when this happened and did nothing to you. I know for my point of view it’s easy to say this but living this attitude out is not easy believe me! You have good days, weeks, months but also difficult times where Satan will use this weak and sensitive subject to cloud my mind with rubbish and bad thoughts. I hate what happened but I love her. And I’m sure there are many other guys and girls out there who are in the same position.

Whoever this guy was she was with, she is no longer with and probably regrets any sort of relationship she had with them. In my case and I trust with yours, their previous partner is out of their life and no longer plays a part in it. YOU are there bf not some silly guy looking for satisfaction in one area. My suggestion would be don’t throw away something special for one mistake that they have made.

Take the example of some bible characters:

David had an affair
Moses murdered someone
Paul persecuted Christians
Rehab was a prostitute

These people done some pretty terrible things but did God abandon them?? No!! He used them for his glory!! And he can use you and your gf to do wonderful things. Listen it’s not easy and it’s something that will always be there to hurt you and bite you when you just wish it was never there. The sooner you accept that you yourself are a sinner the better. I would be pretty embarrassed if my gf found out about my sin and my thought life!! We all do stupid things but in the cases of the bible characters I mentioned, God doesn’t use perfect people he uses sinners to reach out to people!!

Praying for you man as I know how you feel but stay strong and seek God everyday!!