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Dating a Non-Virgin Christian Girl

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by SlightyConfused, Nov 12, 2010.

  1. SlightyConfused

    SlightyConfused Newbie

    I am a 22 year old guy who has worked very hard to keep my virginity. Maybe I have gone further with girls than is Biblically right, but I have saved the last step at least for marriage.

    Now, I have recently met a beautiful Christian girl who loves God and has helped me improve my life. We really have only known each other for about a month but our relationship has progressed very quickly.

    We have done some making out and I have learned that she is not a virgin, and, and I been alright with it, we would have already had sex. I am not willing to have sex before marriage, and while this girls standards are incredibly high on every other level - she has not problem with relationships going all the way. Now, while she has lived in the US for a while, she is from a more physical culture I believe (Brazil).

    She is willing to respect my desire to wait, I am just not sure how comfortable I feel with a woman who has no problems with sex at all. Maybe I'm being trivial.

    Any kind of good, respectful, Christian advice would be great.
  2. goldenviolet

    goldenviolet Holy is the Lord God Almighty

    ....~*~*~*~MODHAT ON~*~*~*....
    greetings! this thread has been moved to christian advice!

    ....~*~*~*~MODHAT OFF~*~*~*....
  3. HwtChirino

    HwtChirino The New Guy

    I believe you should pray to God and ask Him for guidance. He will move your heart in the right direction. If she is someone that could tempt you into having sex, I don't think that pursuing this further would be a good idea because it could lead to a sacrifice of morals you've worked hard to upkeep. The other thing is the fact that it might be difficult for her to be in a non sexual relationship (even though she might not admit it to you) and it might lead to bad things such as cheating and/or a break up.

    Only God and time will tell.
  4. ShanksForte

    ShanksForte Newbie

    In Relationship
    Don't forget it takes two people to have sex. Her sexual past could have been any number of things, maybe she was just in a relationship with a great guy who didn't think having sex was a big deal. Maybe she was with a guy who played with her emotions.

    But you have to be objective and look at her actions now as well as her actions in the past and you have to use your intuition and your experiences and the Grace of the Lord to guide you.
  5. Antari2012

    Antari2012 Member

    In 2nd Corinthians, I forget the exact verse, but Paul talks about how if you marry a non-believer, you may open up the one way that person could be converted. After all, she would be living with a believer, and if you live your life out through His will and let the courage and strength He gives you shine through, that in itself is an excellent way to witness to her. Marrying her may actually save her life. Just be confident she cannot pull you down from your faith. Never abandon God, and if you keep that in mind, then marrying her is perfectly fine.

    God does warn that it is dangerous to marry a non-believer, as they could pull you from your faith, but He also says that if you do marry one, your love and way of life may convert them.
  6. Macx

    Macx Well-Known Member

    Great post.

    Another thing to consider, if you do wait & do continue with her. . .. you will have a woman you know won't be in the "doesn't like sex" or "has sexual hangups that make her frigid" camp. It makes for happy living.

    On the other hand, you could reject a really great young woman just because she has sinned in the past. Have you sinned? There ya go, the playing field is level.

    Would she be a good wife? Would she be a good mother to your children? Would her parents make good inlaws? How does she get along with your parents? Sibblings, would they make good inlaws? What do you think your children might look like? These are all far more important questions than if she's had sex or not.
  7. food4thought

    food4thought Loving truth Supporter

    I find it somewhat disturbing that she does not think that going all the way outside of wedlock a sin... it seems like a disconnect from biblical teaching. Struggling with a sin is very different from not acknowledging it as sin at all.

    I would not consider this a reason to stop dating her now, just an indication there are some things you need to find out from her. Does she consider what she did sin? Why would she be ok with going all the way now if she does consider it sin? Avoid an accusational tone, simply ask these questions in an attitude of openness and love.

    Above all, pray about this first! Let your concerns be known to God, and then have an honest and open conversation with her about this.

    just my 2 cents worth, but you want to be sure she is sincere in her faith since you seem to be. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly, but also waiting for the "perfect" woman is a good way to end up old and celebate.
  8. fat_boy

    fat_boy Newbie

    If I may, I got saved a year ago, before that, I had a somewhat colourful past involving recreational drug use, sex with any female who was up for it, booze, pills and so on. Now, Im willing to wait until I'm married for sex, which is fair enough.

    If someone were to say they were uncomfortable with me having had sex before I became a Christian, then I'd look at four Bible verses:

    1: Romans 8:1 (ASV) "There is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ."

    So no sin matters and affects a persons salvation. If she's doing all the Christian stuff now and puts her faith inChrist for her salvation, what she did doesn't matter to Christ, so why would it matter to you?

    2: Psalm 53:3 (NIV) "Everyone has turned away, they have together become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one."

    Everyone sins, I did something appalling tonight, but its not given for us to judge sin, Jesus said that those who had committed no sin could throw the first stone and no-one did, therefore I'd say that, because we're all sinful, it doesnt matter if we percieve one as being worse than the other or if someone is sinful in our sight, we are all sinful in the eyes of God and it's not given for us to judge.

    3: 1st Thesselonians 4:3 (NIV) "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;"

    You admit to doing more than is Biblically right with other girls, so why are you able to draw a distincition between the full act and parts of it when all of it is detestable to the Lord? I do the same thing to be honest, I'm a sucker for pretty girls and I often look at them more than I should, yet I often think its ok compared to other stuff, like sex and so on. However, I tend to look at things from a human level, as God is, well, God, he looks at things differently and I'm not sure me saying "Well, she was fit, so I looked at her bum, but I didnt have sex with her" will stand up to someone so holy as Him.

    4: John 15:12 (NIV) "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you"

    Jesus loves us, despite our sin, no matter how bad or innocent we see it to be. You are called to love her in the same way, irrespective of sins, past or present.

    I think my point is, bluntly, get over it. We've all sinned, we're all forgiven in Christ, all sin is bad in the eyes of God and yet he still loves us, and we're called to love one another in the same way.
  9. bliz

    bliz Contributor

    What does she think about sex after marriage?

    If you look down the road a little way... you have to wonder what her thinking is about sex outside of marriage? And what she will teach your sons and daughters about sex? Her agreement to wait doesn't resolve the matter.
  10. BL2KTN

    BL2KTN Scholar, Author, Educator

    So let me get this straight... you've had sex without penetration, but she has had penetration, and now you're considering not being with her because she has sinned in a certain way that you're holding against her.

    You two need to be responsible, and you need to decide if you want to be with her.

  11. birernest

    birernest Junior Member

    While she may be a Christian, she probably doesn't have a relationship with the Lord-if she did she would understand why it is important to wait until marriage. Although she has fallen before in this area, she can take a vow of celibacy. If she sees nothing wrong with going all the way with a guy, then she could possibly put pressure on you in the future. You should pray for God's perfect will in this situation.:pray:
  12. Niffer

    Niffer So...that just happened.

    Whooa...lots of words being tossed around here.
    Okay, so the girl has had sex in the past, she understands your desire to wait until marriage, as long as she doesn't pressure you into having sex early, there is no problem here.

    She's from Brazil, their culture is waaayy different from ours. Talk to any European and they'll tell you strolling nude on a beach is totally normal and fine.

    We all have pasts we regret parts of. You've been lucky enough to keep your virginity, and I know how tough that is! I waited until marriage as well.

    But before we point fingers and judge her relationship with God, lets look at the prostitutes Christ hung out with shall we?
    Or how about how Hosea married a prostitute?

    I'm sure when she learned how important keeping your virginity was to you, she probably felt regret for not doing the same.

    Do not keep punishing her or judging her for a sin she cannot fix. She will have to carry the burden of having lost her virginity, its not up to us to make her pay for it.

    And if you break-up with this girl JUST because of that reason, I would say thats as shallow as dating a girl just to have sex.

    - Niff
  13. heron

    heron Legend

    In Relationship
    I agree. And if you dig up the past of any person, there will be ugly things you'd rather not see. Stealing girlffriends/boyfriends, berating friends, bullying, breaking promises... things that are less tangible. We are all human, and go through a lot of lesson-learning experiences before we feel settled with ourselves.

    While it is not politically correct to admit, there is a huge difference in cultures around the world. I have met many Brazilians who are less restrained, but they also love people. They adored their partners. They freely expressed their adoration, both for people and for God.

    What are the dangers/risks of premarital sex? Unplanned pregnancies, spreading disease, using people as objects for personal gain, career aspirations hindered by the inability to get ahead while raising babies, women raising children alone, fathers falsifying income data to get out of child support... you know all the rumors.

    With so many negative possibilities, it becomes a sin against people. One person doesn't even know they are causing the other harm, because it appears so right. That is why God has to tell us that we have limits.

    Look at what you want for this woman. Do you want her to be strong, healthy, capable of raising her own income, able to fulfill most of her goals for life?

    Then let love be more than passion. Let it be patient and kind, not boastful or envious, not going for personal gain.... surround your relationship with a long-term respect for each others' lives.
  14. E.C.

    E.C. Well-Known Member

    Eastern Orthodox
    Look, if she's already done the deed, but is willing to wait than that's half the battle right there. The rest of it is keeping it that way.

    I'm presently dating a Puerto Rican girl. Let me tell you something right now: generally speaking Latin culture across the board is much more physical than North American culture. Part of this has to do with ancestry. The USA was founded by men who were from Anglo-Saxon and Celtic cultures from the UK and Ireland. Both of which tend to be individualistic to a fault and not that communal whereas South American culture is mostly derived from Spain or Portugal both places are quite communal and physical. In fact, in most Latin American countries it is considered rude and impolite to greet someone without a kiss to their cheek (some places two kisses - one for each cheek) whereas in the USA it would just about be grounds for rape.

    All other relationship aspects aside, so long as you both don't cross that line than all shall be well. Do not hold it against her and do not think of yourself better than her because of it. We don't know the circumstances and for all we know it may be something which she has regretted since. Besides, these days you're lucky to find someone who doesn't have a kid.
  15. Life2Christ

    Life2Christ Guest

    ...however, true love being so rare, it shouldn't matter if somone has a kid or not.
  16. E.C.

    E.C. Well-Known Member

    Eastern Orthodox
    Agreed, but a kid can bring about a bit of prejudice for some.
  17. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    You're not being trivial - you value abstinence and she does not. There are people who would harp on you for not getting over her past, but that holds no water in this situation since we're not talking about someone who messed up but now believes in abstinence. She would have had sex with a guy (you) that she's only known for a month. Her past is still her present.
  18. JudgeEden

    JudgeEden Lone Wolf

    This is not about what she WOULD do, it's about what she's willing to do. She is willing to hold out FOR HIM, that says alot about her. Sexual tendencies cant be turned off with a switch. It's an addiction. Give her some credit, and quit judging her past or what she WOULD HAVE done. Judge her based on what she is doing now.
  19. CuddlyBear

    CuddlyBear Newbie

    I'm going to be a little bit different. I can understand why virginity in your partner might be important to you as it was something that was very important to me and my husband. Two takes on what you say:

    1. You have to decide if it really matters to you to marry a virgin. You have the right to decide if that is a condition in the person you choose to marry. I never had to deal with the situation where my partner wasn't a virgin and I don't know how I would have responded if he wasn't. I think I would have struggled with it. I don't think it is shallow. In your case though you imply that you have done everything with girls with the exception of penetration (excuse me if I'm wrong). In that case, is there really such a big difference between your experience levels?

    2. The other side of this is that people make mistakes and do things they regret and your girlfriend may be a completely different person now. I understand you say she would go all the way with you now and you want to wait. Is this a significant value difference that is going to cause problems or is she willing to honor your views and wait? It would be a shame to miss out on the right person because of a situation she can't undo now.

    I think it comes down to whether you can forgive her past and move forward from it, if you feel there is really such a gulf of experience between your sexual experiences that it matters and ultimately, what you can live with. For some it would be a dealbreaker, for others is it totally a non-issue. No-one can make the decision for you but you.

    I commend you for holding onto your virginity and wish you all the best for making this decision.
  20. Kioma

    Kioma Candle flame

    Who is without sin throw the first stone.
    Jesus just told maria magdalena not to do it again
    and today......
    everything is very "free"
    but free means not that it is the right way.

    You can pray together about this matter
    You love her
    God loves her too
    and he will show you the right way
    there is forgiveness for what we did in heaven
    why are we human beeings so hard in doing the same
    if she really loves you she will wait
    both of you are very young
    you have to speak about all this very serios and pray
    is the love you have for each other enough to stay together for the rest of your life and many other things.