Dating a non-christian and thinking about the future

[SavedInTheValley]

Hello,

I have been single after my marriage of 14 years ended last Christmas and have recently been dating someone new. We are both very similar in our traits, both very loving and caring and share the same interests - great! We have similar ideas for the future however I worry because she is not a Christian we will not be equally yolked!

I've told her about my faith and she says she respects it and she has told me she is atheist.

Prior to her, I would always think that when I had children I would bring them up in a Christian environment, teach them how to pray etc. - I am not sure how to approach this with her seeing as she doesn't believe and would hate it if she said its fine now but in the future would change her mind.

In the last few days I've had a relapse in my feelings about my ex realising Im still working through the breakup and something hit me the other day when I was on Facebook and in the section where it says "people you may know", there was a new profile pic of my ex and her new boyfriend - this really threw me.
I explained this whole situation to the lady I've been dating and she said she is happy to support me and wait for me - she told me today "I am not going anywhere".
I did tell her I need some time to heal and cannot guarantee how long this would take, so it could be a while and she said that was OK.

She has previously told me I am the kindest and nicest man she has ever met.

I, being a Christian am a little confused. Yes I really like her and we both have strong feelings for each other yet I am feeling confused with how Im feeling right now due to the fact I don't feel like Im over my ex wife.

What do you think about un-yolked relationships where one is Christian and the other isn't?

 

[Andrewn]

Welcome in the Christian Forums. You're certainly not ready for a new relationship, and especially with an atheist.

Sure your friend is super-nice. But she will be happier with someone who shares her worldview.

 

[Josheb]

I am not sure how to approach this with her seeing as she doesn't believe and would hate it if she said its fine now but in the future would change her mind.

Then you have a problem.

Do not propose until this has been settled.

In the last few days I've had a relapse in my feelings about my ex realizing I'm still working through the breakup and something hit me the other day when I was on Facebook and in the section where it says "people you may know", there was a new profile pic of my ex and her new boyfriend - this really threw me.

It was not a "break up," it was a divorce.

What, exactly, (be specific) do you mean "relapse in my feelings about my ex"? Are you saying you miss her, had a relapse in grief, anger, what? Label it. Can't deal with it it if you don't know what it is.

What do you think about un-yolked relationships where one is Christian and the other isn't?

I think it can work.

However, I will tell you as a professional marriage counselor working in a Christian counseling practice the difficulties differing-facing couples where one spouse is an atheist makes the difficulties much more challenging. One of the reasons this is so is simply because people with shared worldviews are much more likely to address life similarly even despite shared leisure activities, place where their personalities are complementary, etc. If you marry this woman she is not likely to pray with you, worship with you, seek counsel from prayer partners and accountability partners, pastors, or read explicitly Christian sources of repair. All of that part of your life you will not be able to marry with her.

The word "marry" means "to join."

Was you wife a Christian? If so, then consider this: your dating an atheist may be (in part) a response to having failed in a marriage with a believer. That is not being honest you yourself or her. You didn't mean to deceive either of you; it simply happened unawares - probably because your girlfriend is quite charming. well-mannered, loyal, and many things you would like to find in a future spouse.

Marriage, as you already know, is difficult, even in the healthiest of relationships. 67% of second marriages end in divorce. That's a 17-19% increase over first-time marriages. So what that means is you're thinking about entering one of the most difficult things known to humanity with one failed attempt behind you with the odds against you significantly increased and you won't be able to share a significant portion of what is important to you with your spouse.

Marriage is the second hardest thing known to humanity.

The first is being a Christian.

You are thinking about putting the two together with a self-acknowledged atheist.

She may be a nice person, but that's not enough. If any such marriage is going to work then you have got to be able to have difficult conversations with your girlfriend and it isn't just the content of her thoughts that are important but how she handles disagreement. Content and method. Couples fight over money, sex, parenting, religion, and communication but if you poll counselors they tell you the communication issue is key: when a couple communicates well the issues over which they have disagreement are handled better. So when you say, "Hey, if we get married and have kids I want to raise them as Christians; is that alright with you?" Watch, don't just listen.

Remember something very, very, very important: in a Christian marriage ceremony the two partners make a covenant relationship with God and the body of Christ in attendance, not just each other. Atheists are not going to do that. She may mouth the words, "I will," but no one can promise anything to a God in Whom they do not believe. You might want to think about that when the subject of a civil ceremony comes up.

There's more but this is long so I'll stop here. I mean to be plain with you, not rude, so please don't take my bluntness as an intent to be disrespectful. Marriage is serious stuff so I have posted seriously. Divorce, as you know, hurts. I'd like you to spare yourself that suffering. The success rate of third marriages is only 26%.




Marriages between people of differing faiths can be successful but for those devoted to Christ and not just "cultural Christians" it enjoins difficulties non-existent or fewer and likely less intense than in marriages where your worship of God is shared.

 

[PloverWing]

Interfaith marriages are challenging, but they can work. It's best if you can fully support each other in your religious paths (even thought they're different), and if you can agree on some essentials. For the first: Does she respect that you're Christian, or does she think being religious is stupid? For the second: If you have children, will you baptize them? Will you take them to church? Will you teach them your religious beliefs? What will you tell them when they ask why Mommy and Daddy say different things about God? These are all things to work out before you marry, if you decide to marry. (Working these things out is less important if you're just having fun together, with no intention of marriage.)

Take your time entering into a new long-term relationship. If you still have feelings for your ex, that's natural and human, but it wouldn't be fair to marry someone new if you're still emotionally attached to your previous partner. Let your emotions settle down and heal.

Your new partner sounds like a caring and supportive person. I'm glad she's there for you while you're healing from your divorce.

 

[usexpat97]

What do you think about un-yolked relationships where one is Christian and the other isn't?

The Bible says not to do it. And you did it. So we are past the point of going to online Christian forums and looking for advice now.

 

[SavedInTheValley]

The Bible says not to do it. And you did it. So we are past the point of going to online Christian forums and looking for advice now.

Its people like you that give 'Christians' a bad name. Grow up and have some compassion rather than being a judgmental human being!

 

[SavedInTheValley]

Interfaith marriages are challenging, but they can work. It's best if you can fully support each other in your religious paths (even thought they're different), and if you can agree on some essentials. For the first: Does she respect that you're Christian, or does she think being religious is stupid? For the second: If you have children, will you baptize them? Will you take them to church? Will you teach them your religious beliefs? What will you tell them when they ask why Mommy and Daddy say different things about God? These are all things to work out before you marry, if you decide to marry. (Working these things out is less important if you're just having fun together, with no intention of marriage.)

Take your time entering into a new long-term relationship. If you still have feelings for your ex, that's natural and human, but it wouldn't be fair to marry someone new if you're still emotionally attached to your previous partner. Let your emotions settle down and heal.

Your new partner sounds like a caring and supportive person. I'm glad she's there for you while you're healing from your divorce.

She is a caring person. I spoke to her on the phone tonight and gave her my testimony and told her when and how I became a Christian, the trials and tribulations I've faced over the years and how I overcame them.

She told me she would respect me and my faith. She grew up in a CoE school and her gran used to take her to church on Sundays so she's not opposed to the church - she's had a lot of death in her family which has given her an 'unbelief' of God.

On the matter of children she said she would (if we got there one day - still many years off as early in the relationship and still dating) be happy for me to take them to church, teach them to pray etc and would be happy as long as I didn't force Christianity on them which I wouldn't - at the end of the day Jesus gives us free will to make our own decisions and I would pray that my children would come to know the lord in their own way as I did when I was growing up and if they didn't I would still love them all the same. She said she would come along to special events if I wished her to, such as messy church, social events, Easter and Christmas services - she is not anti-christianity and not a hater - she just told me that she cares for me and wants me to be happy and if she can contribute to that then so be it.

 

[SavedInTheValley]

Welcome in the Christian Forums. You're certainly not ready for a new relationship, and especially with an atheist.

Sure your friend is super-nice. But she will be happier with someone who shares her worldview.

Who are you to give this advice? You don't even know me. Judgemental much?? hmm

 

[PloverWing]

It's sounds like she could be a good partner for you, then.

One element in my thoughts here is that a good choice of partners is based on many criteria. Having a common religious faith is one good thing to look for, but it's not the only thing. Do you have interests in common with the person; is that person kind and caring toward you; do you bring out the best in each other; and so on. If I were looking for a partner (which I'm not, I'm married ), I can imagine that, for example, a partner who was kind and supportive and shared many of my values, but was not religious, might be a better match for me than a Christian who had a harsh personality and who shared none of my values outside of the Nicene Creed.

You'll still have a lot to work out, if you plan to make a life together, and that work shouldn't be minimized. And there's emotional work to be done after the divorce. I assume you'll go through pre-marriage counselling, if the relationship gets that far. But I think this could work for the two of you, if you're compatible in most ways.

 

[SirHash]

Hey bro, I think it's ok to cool your jets on marriage right now. Looks like it's only been a year since the ink has dried. Maybe let the grieving process from your divorce play itself out. I don't think you need to break off the relationship at all. Just chill a little on the marriage talk. You two can hash out your unequal yolks after you get your mind right from the divorce and maybe date some more. She sounds like a keeper; her atheism may end up being a deal breaker just not at this stage. God speed bro.

 

[Lady Donna Marie]

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[E.C.]

Put marriage on the back burner. Waaaaaaaaaay back there. Don't even consider it until you've healed from the divorce, whether it's with the current lady in your life or any other. Accept that it is going to take time. You were with your ex-wife for fourteen years; that's the same time my dad was with my mom when they got divorced. He remarried. She never has and probably never will (which is odd because she wanted the divorce, but whatever).


Secondly, once you have healed from the divorce, you're going to need to have the religion talk with your current girlfriend. The key is not to be a judgmental you-know-what about it. Don't give any "convert or else we're through!" ultimatums. Be patient and be respectful of her views, feelings, beliefs, or lack thereof if you expect her to be patient and respectful of yours. Sometimes it can work, sometimes it doesn't. I have known couples from both sides of that.

And, remember to pray.

 

[Lady Donna Marie]

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[Lady Donna Marie]

12 common issues married couples face and how you can overcome them before it's too late

1. Overstepping Boundaries
Once couples are married, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to try and change their partner. Whether it’s their fashion sense or their fundamental beliefs, trying to change your spouse is a personal invasion, and when it happens, the victimized spouse will feel disrespected, hurt, or even angry.

2. Lacking Complete Communication
Though the phases “talking” and “communicating” are often used interchangeably, it’s important to understand that the two differ greatly from one another. Talking is about giving information without the need of a response, and it leaves plenty of room for complaining and criticism. Communication, however, is a verbal and nonverbal exchange of information that requires a response. Because it takes more than one person to communicate, it’s focused on a connection between people where it’s safe to openly share ideas and information free of judgment.

3. Declining Occurrences of Sexual Intimacy
While there are many reasons why couples lose interest in sexual intimacy or struggle with physical affection, it’s important for spouses to find ways to keep their sex life fresh and fulfilling.

4. Wandering Focuses
A common issue couples face is a shift in focus after marriage. When either spouse redirects their attention from the relationship to other interests - be it career, children, friends, or other social activities or hobbies.

5. Emotional Infidelity
As unfortunate as it may be, once couples get married it’s not uncommon for them to become emotionally disconnected from one another. When this happens, it’s likely that at least one spouse’s needs will become unmet, and so they may start looking elsewhere to feel fulfilled. This is where emotional infidelity has the opportunity to slip into the marriage.

6. Fighting About Money
When couples bond, it’s common for their bank accounts to follow suit. While this may not always be the case, even married couples that decide to keep their finances separate still face issues when it comes to money.

7. Waning Appreciation
When appreciation between married couples is low, conflict tends to rise. Since both men and women crave positive recognition, when spouses stop acknowledging one another’s efforts or fail to express gratitude for loving gestures, it’s likely their partner will stop doing those once appreciated actions. When this happens couples tend to become bitter or agitated with one another.

8. Technology Interference
In a world that’s largely run by technology, it can be tough not to get caught up with electronic gadgets. This is why more and more couples are reporting that their spouse’s obsession with technology is interfering with their marriages.

9. Selfishness
If one spouse acts selfishly and consistently places their own needs and desires ahead of their spouse’s, then it’ll only be a matter of time until the neglected spouse feels unworthy and unloved. When couples get married they’re promising to love one another for better or worse, and part of that promise means not acting selfishly.

10. Lacking Trust
Trust is the very basis of love, and without it a healthy marriage cannot exist. When a spouse cheats, lies, or breaks a promise, it can really hurt the relationship. Restoring trust in a marriage where someone has been betrayed is no easy task, and both spouses must be committed to fixing the relationship in order to have any success on moving past the issue. If the issues are not dealt with, the betrayed spouse will continue to feel hurt, anger, and suspicious.

11. Losing Control of Anger
While it’s normal for married couples to get angry with each other from time to time, it’s important that both spouses act appropriately when these types of situations arise. Instead of reacting explosively with outburst or fits of rage, couples need to address the issue at hand (stay on topic), keep calm, and consider one another’s feelings. It’s also important that couples listen, openly express their opinions, and avoid defensive behaviors.

12. Changing Future Ambitions
Most times when couples decide to get married they’re on the same path and have discussed their wants for the future. That said, a common issue between spouses is for one or both partners to change their minds and come up with new plans or ambitions as time passes.

To get the full information on this article just copy this and paste to view it.

BEWARE! The Top 12 Issues That Threaten Even Happy Marriages

 

[POChrist]

Once you have healed from your divorce I think this would be a lot easier. However these things can work. As for her not being christian, as long as she is respectful of your beliefs and you are strong with yours, would it not be a good thing to lead by example? Doesn't the bible encourage people to help non-believers? (Question for people opposing this)