Dating a man with children from previous marriage

[tingleyspice]

Hello all!
I am 22 years old and new to the dating world after being emotionally abused from a past relationship. My best friend told me about this man that is 32 and has 2 little girls from a previous marriage after his wife left him. I have been talking to him for a while now. I am obviously very young and about to graduate college. Does anyone have advice on how to pursue a relationship where there are children involved? I don't know our future, but if something does happen and God calls us into a marriage, I want to know kind of what to expect and how to deal with some things. This is all very very new to me. I have always been the girl to meet daddy's new "friend" then have them walk out on us. It's a big undertaking for someone my age, but if anyone has any advice or guidance, that would be great! I will be praying about peace and compassion for him and our possible future also. Seekin God's plan for my life as well as his family's.

 

[colorblindlover]

I don't have direct experience dating someone who was previously married, but I did date someone who later found out he had a kid he supposedly didn't know about.

Honestly, it was frustrating for me to cope with the kid thing. For one, you do have to deal with the ex-wife/ex-girlfriend most of the time because of custody rights. Sometimes the ex will be friendly, sometimes not. My ex-boyfriend's kid's mom was definitely not friendly and she didn't want me to meet his kid. She also degraded my ex, called him names, and tried to manipulate him.
I have a friend who is married to a man with kids from a previous marriage and she and the ex-wife aren't on the best of terms. I babysat for a family in the same situation, and the ex-wife was also kind of mean and controlling. Just keep in mind that the divorce happened for a reason, and you may have to deal with that guy's former life even if he doesn't talk to his ex-wife, even if he wasn't the one who initiated the separation.

Also, don't expect the kids to love you and accept you right off the bat. That always takes time. My friend I mentioned earlier loves her step-daughters, but they didn't always love her. They would argue with her and disobey her at first, and she told me it was hurtful and she shed a lot of tears over that. Now it's not so bad, and the girls love her and cry when they have to leave her and her husband's house to go back to their mom.

Also, realize that man is going to be more devoted to his kids than he is to you right now. They were in his life before you were, and likely it's going to show in the way he spends time with you. You might feel rejected, ignored, an underprioritized at times because he is paying more attention to supporting his children (and he SHOULD do that, if he doesn't, then you need to reconsider the relationship).

I'm not trying to be negative, but I do want to present a realistic image of what things could be like. They are never going to be easy. That doesn't mean it can't work out, but be cautious, especially with your past abuse. Make sure you aren't entering into a relationship because you feel sorry for the guy and his kids. I made the mistake of dating to "Rescue" instead of dating to be a true partner to a guy. Love blinds us to a lot of our true motives and emotions and to others' true motives and emotions, so any red flags that come up - DO NOT ignore them. Take into account that man's past, his relationships, his relationships with his kids, and his walk with God. Also, take care of yourself. If you need to seek counseling or other help with dealing with you past as it relates to this relationship, be sure to do that and prioritize that. You as an individual need to be healthy in order to make a healthy marriage with anyone.

 

[Wug]

I am also very young and have never experience anything like this, but I would just continue to talk to this man and get to know him and his two little girls. The main thing is do not rush into anything. Like you said you are very young and really this man is in a different part of his life than you are. That doesn't mean that you can't fall in love with this man and love him and his children, but just take your time. Also talk to the guy about how you feel and see what he has to say. Good luck.

 

[tingleyspice]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. Colorblindlover, I just wept at your response. Thank you so much for shining that realistic light I needed to see. This is new ground and as Wug said, he is in a different part of life. This kind of decision and commitment takes time and wisdom. If it's God's will, it will be. Thank you both so much

 

[Sketcher]

Divorced people can get back together. I've seen it happen.

I strictly go by what Christ said in Matt 19:9 personally. If I can't be sure I'm doing right by God by pursuing the relationship, I won't do it. Especially when it comes to building a family. That's too important for me to be on my own for. "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain." (Psalm 127:1a)

Now, if this man does fit the narrow circumstances allowed by Matthew 19:9, and if he and his wife don't want to get back together, and if she's not going to constantly be part of their lives (try separating a mother from her kids permanently - it's both difficult and rare), then here's something you can keep in mind: You might not have the full input a mother would have. With a single parent, it's not "our kids." It's his kids, his rules. That's something my brother ran into when he married a single mom (she wasn't divorced). She doesn't let him be a father sometimes. She's got problems with consistency, too. So when he's consistent, and she's not, she won't have what was agreed upon previously. I had other reasons for not wanting to date a single parent before I witnessed this, but this is the top reason for me now that I have. When I start a family I want it to be "our kids," not "her kids."

 

[colorblindlover]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. Colorblindlover, I just wept at your response. Thank you so much for shining that realistic light I needed to see. This is new ground and as Wug said, he is in a different part of life. This kind of decision and commitment takes time and wisdom. If it's God's will, it will be. Thank you both so much

You're welcome. It's really difficult to make a decision about a guy like you described, especially if he seems like a sweet guy who is genuinely interested in you. In my situation, it was just too much for me.

By all means, people who have kids from a previous marriage/relationship are NOT unworthy of love and care by a new spouse, but it takes a lot of effort and strength to love and care for a person AND their kids who aren't technically your kids. I hope you can find a mentor or someone you trust to examine the pros and cons with you personally, and that he or she can give you more insight into the kind of person who would fit best with you.