Dad doesn't want to see kids

[Spinderella]

Hi there,

I just found this subforum, and I am a new single parent, for about 6 months, since me and stbex separated. However, I was sort of a single parent before this because was unable, unwilling to really help with the kids. Partially because of mental health issues, partially choice.

We have been battling custody issues for a few months. I want him to have ample access to the kids under supervision. I have good reasons for this. He finally conceded when the medical records came in to his lawyer. Now he is angry and says that he's not going to see the kids at all if he has to be supervised.

To top this all off, he came over this w/e and told my four year old daughter that he is not going to see her or spend time with her anymore, unless its a holiday. She was so upset, because she was excited to see him (he hasn't been over for two weeks) and she thought he was here to see her. She couldn't understand and cried for half an hour. I was livid

I told him he was selfish and was putting his pride above his kids. He told me that he didn't think so. I know he heard a voice tell him that he shouldn't see his kids anymore. He thinks that was God. He says he feels peace about it. My family says maybe it's for the best, but I am still very angry. My heart hurts for my kids. They miss him and want to see him. It seems that he doesn't care. Anyone else have this experience?
How do you handle it?

Spinderella
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[ido]

I have a friend in a similar situation. Her stb-ex has not seen the kids in months. Her kids have received counseling...and she and I talked on Halloween about her enrolling her son in Big Brothers b/c he needs a positive male influence in his life.

I would recommend looking for a DivorceCare group for yourself - especially one that has DivorceCare 4 Kids. Your daughter may not be eligible for that group until she turns 5, tho.

www.divorcecare.org

Prayers for you and your daughter.

 

[Demi4God]

I am going through a similar thing with my soon to be ex husband.How I keep my sanity is empowering myself with outside help and support.His mother is very supportive of this situation. I wish for you to find support. Demi
PS I know this is painful too.

 

[TG39051]

I suddenly don't feel so alone. My ex sees our 3yo daughter when it is convenient for him and only when I initiate him seeing her. It tears me up b/c she loves him so much and wants to spend time with him, but he never seems to be there. I want her to see him and I want them to have a close loving relationship. Before we split, they were like peas and carrots....thick as thieves. It just hurts me to no end to know how much she wants to see him and him never coming through for her. My friends tell me that when she gets older, she will realize all of this and he will be the one who loses in the end. I just don't want it to be that way...

 

[bugaboo]

I've been through a similar situation. My children have not seen their father in almost five years though he has lived close by most of that time. Like you, I was livid at first. But children are smart, they figure out situations easily enough and will know when they are not being loved the way they should. I am in no way advocating my ex's choices, but now that it's been a few years I see that it has probably been easier for my children to deal with the situation, than if they had seen their father only occassionally even though he didn't really want to, or have to deal with him constantly letting them down. They were young when he left and they don't really remember him anymore. I have always told them that their father loves them very much but that his mind wasn't well and he made some bad choices. Life is much happier and less stressful without him. Now I worry that he will want to come back into their lives someday.

I cannot understand how anyone can abandon their child like that...

 

[Mayzoo]

Your kids could be me in say 35 years. I am not in your position, but as I child my father abandoned all three of his kids when I was 12. He left us with a psychotic mother he could not cope with (not that ya'll are psychotic--just why he left).

If you want my 2 cents, ask away. I have done a lot soul searching on this one, and have been in many different levels of emotions on this one. I am at peace now, but don't want to intrude since I am not *in* your situation, I am a product of this situation.

Mayzoo

 

[Fairy Fay]

Ladies, how good (in an awsul sort of way) it feels to read so many stories the same as my own.

My s-t-b-ex isn't interested in seeing our girls They're too young, I think, to realise how he' snubbing them (youngest was only 8mo when he left), but the time will come when I have to answer questions like 'Why doesn't Daddy want to see us?" and what will I say?

They don't miss him, he wasn't much part of family life even when he lived here, which is good, but I worry that they're going to grow up with no good picture of what a happy marriage should be. Both my s-t-b-ex and I are products of unhappy marriages and I'm sure that can't have helped ours.

Funny bit - When he moved out, they didn't even notice. When he came back to collect the telly they were distraught! Hmmn

Now - thoughts and advice please.

I want / need to work as I'm way below the breadline at the mo, but I want this to affect family life as little as possible. I'm a maths lecturer and can earn good pennies by giving private lessons in the evening. The arrangement was supposed to be that he would see the girls every Thursday from school pick-up to drop-off the next morning. That being so I can have five students and make myself £75 / $150 a week which will do very nicely, thank you.
BUT
he won't have the girls on a regular basis. It's whenever he fancies, every two or three weeks usually.
SO
Should I take him to court to see if I can force him to see the girls so that I can work?
Would enforced contact engender relationahip, or would it be worse for them to be with someone who doesn't want them there?

Your thoughts, ladies (and gents, of course)
Fay

 

[bugaboo]

Funny bit - When he moved out, they didn't even notice. When he came back to collect the telly they were distraught!

I had the VERY same experience!

Should I take him to court to see if I can force him to see the girls so that I can work?
Would enforced contact engender relationahip, or would it be worse for them to be with someone who doesn't want them there?

I think it all depends. You know the situation, your children and probably your ex better than anyone else. I wonder how my children would be coping now if I had forced the issue with their father. I'm certain I made the right decision for our family, but only you know what's best for yours. I will say though that any parent who doesn't care to see their children is probably very selfish, irresponsible and immature. And father or not, you should be careful in letting a person like that raise your children.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I separated more that 9 years ago and I gave my ex open visitation whenever he wanted. I was pregnant with my youngest. He disappeared twice for 6 weeks. After the divorce he ended up moving to another country. It's been at least 3 years and the youngest doesn't even know him.

I don't know what is wrong with him mentally, but I'm sure that something is there. I console myself with the thought that it is better that my kids are not influenced by him. It sure hurts when there are father and dd dances though. My dd has never seen a good marriage and I'm not sure if my son remembers much of my parents'. I would really like to provide that model before they're all grown up.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Sometimes things happen for a reason... maybe he's really not in a position to have a positive influence on their lives... My daughter's father took off for 2 years and didn't call, or want anything to do with her unless his parents wanted to come to town. I accepted it and dealt with it the best I could... after 2 years of being gone he shows up and wants to take her from me... it doesn't make sense but I accept that he's ready to be in her life and she now sees him regularly...

I don't have any great advice but I can tell you that fighting a man to see his children doesn't end up as a positive visit for the child...

 

[romans324]

YOu know hear a story like this really upsets me. I am on the other shoe. I have partial custody of my son and youngest daughter. I call every night but don't always get to talk to her becasue her mom (my stb-ex) gives me excuses. I leave message and never get responses back. Then this weekend my brother from florida who I havent seen all year is coming up and she is mad at me because I needed her to watch the kids. I love my kids much and having custody of 1 of 3 makes it hard ti share my parenting and love. I don't want to show partiality but when I am refused phones calls what can I do? SHe has been served manytimes for not abided by the courts but soon when I can I will just have to fight for the other 2.

 

[BRISH]

"He told me that he didn't think so. I know he heard a voice tell him that he shouldn't see his kids anymore. He thinks that was God. He says he feels peace about it. My family says maybe it's for the best, but I am still very angry."


I know it's painful, but I think alot of the problem here is situational. He does not sound mentally healthy from what you have stated above. It's for the best that he has supervised visitation for now. Hopefully God will intervene in some way and mend him, but until then you need not be angry at his behavior, but very cautious. You see countless scenerios all over the place of parents/people in general who have harmed their children because they "were told to". People like this may be good people, but they are inflicted with an illness. It IS an illness. Granted, no one is to be treated other than the spectacular creation that they are, but you DO have to make the children your priority at this point and pray about the other stuff. I would be keeping record of anything suspicious like that and turning it in. Not to alienate him from the kids, but to protect all right now.

Prayers with you, your children, and thier father.


I also want to add, that every circumstance is different and we on forums only get one side to a story. I am not accusing anyone of lying, but there are different perspectives and then there is the truth. There have been SOO many fathers who have lost out on their right to parent equally due to current family law and it's loopholes that have allowed them to be stripped of their rights/privaledges without due cause. I always encourage BOTH sides to look inward because it's never one-sided and to ALWAYS put the kids first. Having said that, and I am going by just what we know from post, that I dont think this is the usual "spite fight"...it seems he may have some serious mental issues that he has no control over at the moment and for that, distance may be the best for now except for supervision.... Until he can get some help and follow it.

You state that he has some mental issues (if Im correct), but your angry at his actions.....naturally.
If he is truely "ill", then he is not acting on what is natural to all of us, and it's a little difficult to portray him as an enemy or to accept that your child will see him as the "monster that he is".

He's sick.
Be comfort and support for your child and do everything you can, that will not be harmful, to help keep intact whatever relationship they have left.