Cutting ties with my father

[Oceansedge]

I am almost 49 years old. I am married and I have two teenage children. The last two years of my life, everything I know has changed. I lost my mother to cancer October 31, 2015. Since her death my whole, neat and tidy little world has changed. I have taken her place in the family. My father is still living. My parents did not have the best marriage and I know this. There were times they were down right nasty to each other. My father moved on rather quickly after my mother passed. Within a year he was making plans to marry someone new. He told us the day after the one year anniversary of my mother's death that he had asked his girlfriend to marry him. I was devastated but did want my dad to be happy. I am torn. Since he has been with this woman, everything revolves around her. She has total control. My father had an affair on my mother when I was a child. I found out the truth years later, but always knew that something had happened. My mother retaliated by having an affair as well. This has hurt me so much that it stays with me even today. I confront my dad all the time and tell him how I feel and he blows it off. Since he has gotten with his new wife he does not really spend time with us anymore. He gives her attention and affection that he never gave me, my mother, my sister or my kids. He recently had his lawyer draw up a Durable POA that gives her control of everything and I only have a say if she dies. He makes me so sad with his actions, that I am seriously considering cutting him out of my life. Last year he told my son he would be al all his football games. He made it to two. My sister and I needed our dad after my mom died and he could not be bothered. In the last two years I have: watched my mother die, moved back home from Sc, seen my dad form a new relationship, started a new job, bought a house, struggled with my daughter's failing grades, attended my father's wedding, watched him sell our family home of 30 years and all while trying to maintain a home and family. I am devastated that he shows this woman the love and affection that we, as his family, are not worthy of. So opinions please, should I cut him out of my life?

 

[Sarah G]

Sorry to see that you have been through so much in such a short time. My advice based on my own experiences (no point going into them all here) is to respond to his calls and further send cards at Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays. That is all I do. If Dad calls, I speak to him. He doesn't listen to anything I say so it really is just listening and saying 'Aha, yes'. With my mother I do the same (they are divorced) although she doesn't call so really I just send cards and occasionally a digital message if necessary.
I am 44 years old and have accepted that my parents are flawed human beings (aren't we all?) and that they do not owe me anything at all and I do not owe them anything at all. I live in a different country to them so I don't see them anyway. If I were there I would visit out of duty and obligation. I forgive them for mistakes they made (whether they are sorry or not) and pray for their well-being spiritually, physically and emotionally.
The feelings of 'it's not fair' have no place in adult life, I just had to get over the fact that my parents were never very good parents and they never will be, God bless them.

 

[Oceansedge]

You know what, you are absolutely right. The feelings of not fair have no place in adult life. I guess all I can do is concentrate on my family and take my father as he comes. I have way more to worry about then my grown dad. These feelings may come and haunt me from time to time, but that one sentence you said hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

 

[gym_class_hero]

a wise old preacher once told me, "pray for your enemies, it may not change then but it will change you."

not that your Dad is your "enemy" but I think the concept still applies.

 

[essentialsaltes]

Lower your expectations, reduce your interaction, but I see no need to make an absolute clean break.

 

[erealmz]

I am almost 49 years old. I am married and I have two teenage children. The last two years of my life, everything I know has changed. I lost my mother to cancer October 31, 2015. Since her death my whole, neat and tidy little world has changed. I have taken her place in the family. My father is still living. My parents did not have the best marriage and I know this. There were times they were down right nasty to each other. My father moved on rather quickly after my mother passed. Within a year he was making plans to marry someone new. He told us the day after the one year anniversary of my mother's death that he had asked his girlfriend to marry him. I was devastated but did want my dad to be happy. I am torn. Since he has been with this woman, everything revolves around her. She has total control. My father had an affair on my mother when I was a child. I found out the truth years later, but always knew that something had happened. My mother retaliated by having an affair as well. This has hurt me so much that it stays with me even today. I confront my dad all the time and tell him how I feel and he blows it off. Since he has gotten with his new wife he does not really spend time with us anymore. He gives her attention and affection that he never gave me, my mother, my sister or my kids. He recently had his lawyer draw up a Durable POA that gives her control of everything and I only have a say if she dies. He makes me so sad with his actions, that I am seriously considering cutting him out of my life. Last year he told my son he would be al all his football games. He made it to two. My sister and I needed our dad after my mom died and he could not be bothered. In the last two years I have: watched my mother die, moved back home from Sc, seen my dad form a new relationship, started a new job, bought a house, struggled with my daughter's failing grades, attended my father's wedding, watched him sell our family home of 30 years and all while trying to maintain a home and family. I am devastated that he shows this woman the love and affection that we, as his family, are not worthy of. So opinions please, should I cut him out of my life?

So you were able to move back home, get a new job, buy a house, raise a family, help a child with her grades, go to a wedding, and watch a man make some serious money by selling a house.... Yet you are devastated? Oh the struggles of the sheltered life.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

So you were able to move back home, get a new job, buy a house, raise a family, help a child with her grades, go to a wedding, and watch a man make some serious money by selling a house.... Yet you are devastated? Oh the struggles of the sheltered life.

Says the one who thinks all family interactions are good.

 

[erealmz]

Says the one who thinks all family interactions are good.

Who said I thought they were good? Why do you oppose me when you do not understand

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Who said I thought they were good? Why do you oppose me when you do not understand

I take it back, having seen your other "Wow" post. But your comments did seem contradictory.

 

[erealmz]

I take it back, having seen your other "Wow" post. But your comments did seem contradictory.

It's all perception friend. I wish I had half the things that OP has. But as humans, no matter what we have or where we are in life, we all want more.

 

[Oceansedge]

So you were able to move back home, get a new job, buy a house, raise a family, help a child with her grades, go to a wedding, and watch a man make some serious money by selling a house.... Yet you are devastated? Oh the struggles of the sheltered life.

So you know my life? I am devastated over my mother's death and how quickly my father moved on. I know it seems strange that at age 49 I should still need my dad's affection but I do and he does not show it, but does to his new wife. I have had a lot on my plate in the last two years. There is no reason to cut down how anyone feels. Everyone deals with their circumstances in their own way and just because it is not how you would deal with does not make it wrong. Stay blessed.

 

[erealmz]

So you know my life? I am devastated over my mother's death and how quickly my father moved on. I know it seems strange that at age 49 I should still need my dad's affection but I do and he does not show it, but does to his new wife. I have had a lot on my plate in the last two years. There is no reason to cut down how anyone feels. Everyone deals with their circumstances in their own way and just because it is not how you would deal with does not make it wrong. Stay blessed.

Yeah come down to my world and deal with the jazz I contend with and you'll see how "blessed" I stay.

I'm not cutting down how you feel or saying it's wrong. I'm simply pointing out that you have a lot to be grateful for so instead of listing those things as if they are part of the problem, why not be thankful that you have them. Not that you aren't. But most of those things are irrelevant to your situation with your father. So why list them?

 

[Oceansedge]

So you know my life? I am devastated over my mother's death and how quickly my father moved on. I know it seems strange that at age 49 I should still need my dad's affection but I do and he does not show it, but does to his new wife. I have had a lot on my plate in the last two years. There is no reason to cut down how anyone feels. Everyone deals with their circumstances in their own way and just because it is not how you would deal with does not make it wrong. Stay blessed.

Believe me, I realize how much I have to be thankful for. I lead a pretty charmed life. Believe it or not, this all has some small relevance to my father. Just because my life is charmed does not mean it doesn't have it's flaws. Anything that we have in our life we have worked extremely hard to get. No hand outs here. Thank God that we have been able to get where we are. Everyone's pain is different and sometimes there is no one to vent to but a forum. Judging is not the way. Stay blessed.

 

[MissRowy]

Guys just remember there are rules to follow and I can see things are starting to get heated here. I am sorry you have gone through this Oceansedge. If you need to talk to someone, myself and other staff are here for you.