Created to Be His Help-Meet

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Mrs. Enigma

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How many of you ladies have read this book?
I gave my copy away, and then my hubby bought me a new copy and like 5 or six more for friends of ours.
I gave my mom a copy the other day. I love reading books on improving marriage, and this is the best I have ever read.
When I am re-reading it I am getting even more out of it.
I wish I could get every wife to read it.
So what did any of you think of it?
 

Galadriel

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I think sometimes books like this (that write about this topic) tend to focus only on one aspect. I read basically a summary on each chapter of this book, and yes it talks about how wives submit to your husbands, don't nag, don't be his "mommy" ect. But what the book doesn't say is how the husband should treat the wife in return. I mean I don't think it can be blanket statements for every situacion. Say your husband isn't giving you emotional needs, as in say he doesn't want to listen when you need to talk, he zones out ect. Well, should I just not nag and just be in return all smiles and act like things are great, or should I not nag but bring it up to him that he needs to work on this and change this? Of course. He can't know to change unless its made known to him that there is something wrong.

Another thing I noticed was she said how we are to submit to our husband as Jesus submitted to God. The scripture says to submit to our husbands, but that husband's should love us like Christ loved the church. Its just this whole topic I don't think can just be looked at from the angle only of "wives, this is how you should behave with your husband" and not touch on the topic of how the husband should be treating you in return. They go hand in hand with each other.
 
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Southern Cross

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Galadriel, if every book covered every angle of the husband-wife relationship, they'd all be 5,000 pages. And then I'd pretty much have to live in on the porcelain throne because that's the only place I get any time for meaningful reading these days. There are other books that tell a husband how he is to be treating his wife, and they don't focus much attention on how a wife should be treating her husband. This is a book to help wives understand what a help-meet really is. It's just one piece of the puzzle.

As a side note, we covered the definition and role of a helpmeet in our Biblical Marriage series at church. Probably one of the best marriage classes I've ever attended. Some women were "offended" by what a help meet entails at first glance. God forbid they actually take off the pants in the family long enough to let their husbands wear them, and support his leadership and efforts to make a living for the family. Their husbands remained silent for the most part, probably fearing retribution later if they spoke up. If my wife were to embrace the role of a true help meet, I can't think of anything I could do to show her how grateful and honored I'd be. We're still working on our roles in our particular marriage. It's a tough road sometimes.

Anyway, I've read portions of the book. Somebody at church gave it to us. Haven't finished all of it yet, but it's right in line with what we learned in Wilkerson's "A Bibilical Portrait of Marriage" series.
 
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Mrs. Enigma

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Galadriel said:
I think sometimes books like this (that write about this topic) tend to focus only on one aspect. I read basically a summary on each chapter of this book, and yes it talks about how wives submit to your husbands, don't nag, don't be his "mommy" ect. But what the book doesn't say is how the husband should treat the wife in return. I mean I don't think it can be blanket statements for every situacion. Say your husband isn't giving you emotional needs, as in say he doesn't want to listen when you need to talk, he zones out ect. Well, should I just not nag and just be in return all smiles and act like things are great, or should I not nag but bring it up to him that he needs to work on this and change this? Of course. He can't know to change unless its made known to him that there is something wrong.

Another thing I noticed was she said how we are to submit to our husband as Jesus submitted to God. The scripture says to submit to our husbands, but that husband's should love us like Christ loved the church. Its just this whole topic I don't think can just be looked at from the angle only of "wives, this is how you should behave with your husband" and not touch on the topic of how the husband should be treating you in return. They go hand in hand with each other.


The book covers a number of the things you mentioned.
Also, the book was written by a woman and to women, so it naturally covers what the women should be doing. you can not make your husband treat you like Christ would treat the church by having it in a book you are reading, but you can follow the advice in the book as it applies to you, and it will make your husband love you a lot more like Christ loved the church.
The book covers submission, but it also covers joy, being peaceful in various situations, sex, raising kids, etc.
The woman who wrote the book is not oppressed and neither am I.
That would be like saying that if you play a game and because you didn't write the game manual, you are oppressed. My husband adores me, spends all his free time with me and the kids, tells me how pretty I am every day,and is the boss and in charge. We have no arguements.
 
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Leanna

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Galadriel said:
Another thing I noticed was she said how we are to submit to our husband as Jesus submitted to God. The scripture says to submit to our husbands, but that husband's should love us like Christ loved the church. Its just this whole topic I don't think can just be looked at from the angle only of "wives, this is how you should behave with your husband" and not touch on the topic of how the husband should be treating you in return. They go hand in hand with each other.

AMEN!!! 100% I am with you on this.... marriage is a give to each other relationship. Not a man takes, woman gives.
 
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Well,
the best book I read for women regarding men and their needs was "For Women Only". A terrific book that gives some great insight into how to really bless your husband (or any other male that you happen to know, since it covers guys in general). My husband loves me, cherishs me in 100s of ways and is my best friend. He is not my "boss". Why would I want to marry someone who feels they must lord it over me in order to be my husband? I honor my hubby and submit to his decisions, but he never never steamrolls over me and makes decisions without asking my opinion. And if they are big decisions, we pray over them as a team, as a couple, as married friends. It's ideal. It's awesome. There is no way I would want my husband to turn into a taskmaster and treat me as inferior to him. He would hate the affect it would have on the level of trust and affection there is in our marriage. Anyway, I know the OP and I don't agree on this. I just don't want some wanderer to come in here and see the "extreme" and toss out the whole concept of "help meet". So that's why I posted the "balance".
 
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Cordy

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I have not read the book, nor would I encourage it. I have read enough of the excerpts, and reviews (those for and against it) to know some of the things taught in it. I think it is a very unhealthy approach to marriage, and not what being a helpmeet is about at all.

I am very familiar with No Greater Joy Ministries. I have read their magazine for a long time, and though I think some aspects are "okay" (like the herbal remedies and little tips), I dislike a great deal of it (their general lifestyle, home schooling being the only way, woman submit and husbands command etc.).

I read a portion of the book where a woman was in a severely abusive relationship. Her husband violently beat her, and when she was pregnant, her husband tried to kill her with a butcher knife. Debi (the author of this book) then speaks down on this wife because after these beatings and attempts on her life, she would “leave the house with loud, railing accusations and go to her mother's house and cry out her sorrows. She would get on the phone and call all of her friends and tell them what Ahmed was doing to her…”. When she got so depressed that she went to Debi for help, Debi said she could either leave (which is problematic because they are very much against divorce, even in abusive situations), or campaign for his “heart”. Debi said that she knew that this wife “blabbing” her husband’s sins kept him in rage, and therefore she could no longer say anything but praise and admiration to him and anyone else. And surprised surprise – the problem was “fixed”. Most of us familiar with this situation know that shutting up a doormat doesn’t stop it from being walked on, it just keeps the situation “muzzled”. This poor woman is probably suffering in silence now, in fear that it is her sharing her (incredibly justifiable) fears is what causes her to be abused. The victim rationalizing why they deserve to be victimized. Appearance of a happy marriage does not mean it is happy! Putting on a mask doesn’t fix the rotting face underneath.

When Debi’s daughter was engaged, she once asked her dad a theological question and her dad’s response was “I cannot answer your Bible question, for now you believe what your husband believes. He will be your head, and you will follow him. It is time to get adjusted to your new role. Ask him what he believes about it." Debi includes that in her book. A woman is to blindly believe what her husband believes? Are women saved through their husbands? Does not God speak to women directly, as well as men? Sounds more like a Mormon approach then a Christian.

Debi categorizes men, and tells women how to submit to them. She said her husband is a commanding man, and if you learn to love commanding man, you will be happy. You can’t have your own life, or do anything that he is not involved with, because he doesn’t like that. Blah blah blah….Yikes! Just feed a man’s sense of self-centeredness and he will continue to boss you around, and will just be so happy! Since when is it right to encourage arrogance and self-centeredness in our spouses? I am so glad my husband calls me on it when I am egocentric, and me him. Man, would things run amuck if either if us tried to command things to our own needs, rather than have a servant heart for the other.


Anyway, those are a few reasons why I really don’t like this book, and think that it is unhealthy.
 
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Mrs. Enigma

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mbams said:
I have not read the book, nor would I encourage it. I have read enough of the excerpts, and reviews (those for and against it) to know some of the things taught in it. I think it is a very unhealthy approach to marriage, and not what being a helpmeet is about at all.

I am very familiar with No Greater Joy Ministries. I have read their magazine for a long time, and though I think some aspects are "okay" (like the herbal remedies and little tips), I dislike a great deal of it (their general lifestyle, home schooling being the only way, woman submit and husbands command etc.).

I read a portion of the book where a woman was in a severely abusive relationship. Her husband violently beat her, and when she was pregnant, her husband tried to kill her with a butcher knife. Debi (the author of this book) then speaks down on this wife because after these beatings and attempts on her life, she would “leave the house with loud, railing accusations and go to her mother's house and cry out her sorrows. She would get on the phone and call all of her friends and tell them what Ahmed was doing to her…”. When she got so depressed that she went to Debi for help, Debi said she could either leave (which is problematic because they are very much against divorce, even in abusive situations), or campaign for his “heart”. Debi said that she knew that this wife “blabbing” her husband’s sins kept him in rage, and therefore she could no longer say anything but praise and admiration to him and anyone else. And surprised surprise – the problem was “fixed”. Most of us familiar with this situation know that shutting up a doormat doesn’t stop it from being walked on, it just keeps the situation “muzzled”. This poor woman is probably suffering in silence now, in fear that it is her sharing her (incredibly justifiable) fears is what causes her to be abused. The victim rationalizing why they deserve to be victimized. Appearance of a happy marriage does not mean it is happy! Putting on a mask doesn’t fix the rotting face underneath.

When Debi’s daughter was engaged, she once asked her dad a theological question and her dad’s response was “I cannot answer your Bible question, for now you believe what your husband believes. He will be your head, and you will follow him. It is time to get adjusted to your new role. Ask him what he believes about it." Debi includes that in her book. A woman is to blindly believe what her husband believes? Are women saved through their husbands? Does not God speak to women directly, as well as men? Sounds more like a Mormon approach then a Christian.

Debi categorizes men, and tells women how to submit to them. She said her husband is a commanding man, and if you learn to love commanding man, you will be happy. You can’t have your own life, or do anything that he is not involved with, because he doesn’t like that. Blah blah blah….Yikes! Just feed a man’s sense of self-centeredness and he will continue to boss you around, and will just be so happy! Since when is it right to encourage arrogance and self-centeredness in our spouses? I am so glad my husband calls me on it when I am egocentric, and me him. Man, would things run amuck if either if us tried to command things to our own needs, rather than have a servant heart for the other.


Anyway, those are a few reasons why I really don’t like this book, and think that it is unhealthy.


I think you are a little confused as to what Debi says. Some of you guys remind me of atheists. You know they are always ready to attack some piece of the scripture which they have out of context. Debi Pearl teaches that if your hubbt is trying to kill you or your kids you should call the cops. I believethe story you mentioned, the lady said she was plotting her husbands murder.
 
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Cordy

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Mrs. Enigma said:
I think you are a little confused as to what Debi says. Some of you guys remind me of atheists. You know they are always ready to attack some piece of the scripture which they have out of context. Debi Pearl teaches that if your hubbt is trying to kill you or your kids you should call the cops. I believethe story you mentioned, the lady said she was plotting her husbands murder.

Yes, she was plotting to kill him because he beat her and tried to kill her. This is called the "battered wife" syndrome. It means that the person feels that there is no way out, so the only way is to kill. It doesn't make sense to the rational mind, but after someone has been abused and manipulated, rationality isn't exactly always there. Debi did not tell her to go to the police.
 
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Mrs. Enigma

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Just for the record I used to be a regular loving Christian lady and my hubby used to be a regular loving CHristian man----- and now that we are actually trying to do what the Bible commands on these subjects, are marriage is the best. I have never met anyone with a happier more fulfilling marriage.
The Bible commands women to honor their husbands reverance their husbands and obey them as if they were Christ. That is also what Debi's book says. So it might be the Bible you are in disagreement with?
I will descibe my hubby and you tell me if he is a tyrant:
My hubby is not perfect, but neither am I. Sometimes, I think about how he is such a good human example of Christ. He herlps me see Christ's love, forgiveness and grace. He teaches me these things, but they are also reflected in him.
I can see how he represents Christ and I represent the church in our marriage.
He does command and is authoritativeHe does not ever accept argueing. He will hear my case if Ipresent it in a humble submisive way, but then he will probably still not change his mind.
He makes rules for me and sends me to bed if I act too crabby.
But he also loves and adores me. He wants to protect me and bless me. He wants me to be content with what he provides and he desires for me to be happy.
He trains and disciplines his kids. He plays with them every day and prays with them at night or tells them imaginary stories about an elf missionary.
I feel acceptance from my husband and comfort and forgiveness.
He is patient with me and explains the scripture to me.
Sometimes the things he tells me to do seem unfair or seem selfish on his part. But, on his own , he decides to do many unselfish and self-sacrificial things for me.
He provides for me and is a hard worker.
He never-ever looks at inappropriate content. If tightly/scantily dressed women walk by, he turns his head away from them and looks at me.
He does not flirt and is extremely faithful.
When his dad wants help in the construction business, he tries to take time off to go honor his dad and help him out.
HE loves me! His love is full, inviting, and it makes me whole. I represent the body and he represents the head. Together we complete a whole. He stays with me always. I can trust him and depend on him.
He is not hasty in descisions. He tries to follow God and do what the Bible says.
He spends his time laboring hard to provide for his family, and his free time he spends playing with us, teaching us, working with us, and being a great husband.
In bed, he makes sure I get at least as many [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] as he does (usuallly more) every single time.
He is manly, strong, not wimpie, not girlie, not a pushj-over, not a ma ma's boy. He is in charge and is a good leader.
He is acting very much like Christ.
 
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Mrs. Enigma

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The fruit I see from acting submissive and obeying with a cheerful heart is:
The children are more content. They are more willing to submit. They admire their dad.
My hubby wants to be around me as much as possible.
My hubby often gazes at me during the day andcompliments me on how beatiful I am and what a good wife I am.
My husband feels more relaxed and peaceful and it is easier for him to deal with the kids.
My hubby wants to please me and make me happy.
My hubby wants to talk to me about his thoughts more.
My hubby wants to include me all the time. It makes things lots more intimate. He feels like he has a friendly helper instead of a challenger.
He wants to buy me stuff, bless me, protect me, snuggle, sit by him, and it is very easy for him to forgive me.
It makes us very close.
It is wonderful, in my opinion.
 
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Cordy

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Mrs. Enigma,

I thought we were discussing the book, not your marriage. Why do you take personal offence toward your marriage, when I am strictly talking about the book?

It is not the Bible I disagree with. I scratch my head when Christians are so easily offended and accuse others of not being “biblical” or atheist, when others don’t agree with them. I just don’t interpret the Bible in the same way the Pearls do. I have spend a lot of time studying the Bible and praying to come to my understandings, and I know I have a long way to go. But my desire is to live according to God’s will for me, and I do not feel that it is the way “Created to be His Helpmeet” lays out.
 
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InTheFlame

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Mrs Enigma... there's something I've often wondered, and although this isn't strictly on-topic, maybe you wouldn't mind answering it anyway.

Do you think that a marriage built on mutual respect, where neither person challenges or commands, but the two work together in agreement, less scriptural than your model?

I'm hoping this won't cause a huge blow-up - if you think it will, feel free to PM me to answer :)
 
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Mrs. Enigma

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Mbams-
Yeah, we were talking about the book, but my marriage is modeled pretty much after the way the book is, so I guess I am trying to show you what Debi Pearl means. It seems like you are not quite understanding what Debi was saying. Like she is saying that I should be in some sort of bondage and spend my life getting beat up by my husband, or something.
I know that is not at all what she is saying, and I guess I am trying to give an actual example of what it looks like.
You do not have to read her book, or like her book, but I am glad you at least tried to read parts of it! A lot of women would not even do that.
I was not saying you were an athiest, but it did remind me of that cuz of the way you were portraying what she said. It just reminded me of the way they do it with the Bible. Sorry, if I offened you. This is my bandwagon, as you know so I am just just real busy doing bandwagon type stuff. I will try not to make ya feel too bad.
 
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Cordy

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Mrs. Enigma,

Please don’t feel as if you have offended me. I am not offended. It just that the immediate reaction to defend your marriage when I was talking about the book made me go “Hmm… :scratch:" - that is all. Please don’t worry; you don’t make me feel bad :).

I will try to respond to your question of what I think of the marriage model you posted. I would say that I would personally be sad in marriage as you described. If that is what you like and you independently choose that way of life, that is fine. Thank goodness we live in free countries where we can make that choice! I just disagree with it, personally.

In marriage, I want a companion, an equal partner in Christ, an accountability partner and a best friend who respect me for who I am, not for what I do for him. I did not marry to find a father figure or boss, and that is how I would feel if I was in a relationship where my husband told me to go to bed, made rules for me, commanded me, told me how to interpret scripture, be in charge of me, and made the decisions by himself and only allowed me to share my opinions if he felt like it. I would feel that I was allowing someone take away what God has given me. What I feel my calling in life and marriage is so different from that, and I think I would feel guilty living that way as a result.I just don't that is who I am or who I was created to be!:)
 
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Leanna

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Yikes... now I know I won't waste time on the book. Some people may get into this whole Dominant Submissive thing, there's some kind of movement towards it because some strangely unhealthy people want to be either submissive or dominant and let their other partner tell them when they can use the bathroom and when they can't, but I think its incredibly unhealthy. Everything mbams said was clear and I agree with. :)
 
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Leanna

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Mrs. Enigma said:
The fruit I see from acting submissive and obeying with a cheerful heart is:
The children are more content. They are more willing to submit. They admire their dad.
My hubby wants to be around me as much as possible.
My hubby often gazes at me during the day andcompliments me on how beatiful I am and what a good wife I am.
My husband feels more relaxed and peaceful and it is easier for him to deal with the kids.
My hubby wants to please me and make me happy.
My hubby wants to talk to me about his thoughts more.
My hubby wants to include me all the time. It makes things lots more intimate. He feels like he has a friendly helper instead of a challenger.
He wants to buy me stuff, bless me, protect me, snuggle, sit by him, and it is very easy for him to forgive me.
It makes us very close.
It is wonderful, in my opinion.

.... wow, and yet I have all of those things without having to act like something smaller and four footed.... sorry!

With one exception, in my house, our children will have both mother and father as discipliners and someone to admire because we are both their adult caregivers .... rather than admiring just the husband and having little respect for the mother.
 
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Galadriel

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mbams said:
In marriage, I want a companion, an equal partner in Christ, an accountability partner and a best friend who respect me for who I am, not for what I do for him. I did not marry to find a father figure or boss, and that is how I would feel if I was in a relationship where my husband told me to go to bed, made rules for me, commanded me, told me how to interpret scripture, be in charge of me, and made the decisions by himself and only allowed me to share my opinions if he felt like it. I would feel that I was allowing someone take away what God has given me. What I feel my calling in life and marriage is so different from that, and I think I would feel guilty living that way as a result.I just don't that is who I am or who I was created to be!:)

I have to say I agree with this.
 
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