Courtship Mistakes

[Heartofsilver]

Hello Community,

Recently at work, a middle aged man who works in Produce came up to me while I was doing my job around the store. We will call him G and the other guy N. He told me that he knew someone that I might like to meet who was very religious and who was about my age. I told him that yeah, maybe I would. So days later, G tells me who the guy is and it's N in Produce who I noticed has had a crush on me. G let me know that he mentioned me to N, but G didn't tell N who I am yet, like what G did with me at first. G asks me if I know N and I told G yes that i have talked to N a few times. So, than G asks me if I want N to know who I am or for things to just happen naturally? I asked God what I should do first to see what He says. I kinda felt a slight "no", but felt excited about the possibities and not being sure if God was really saying "no". I also felt like G threw this on me suddenly. I ended up leaving my options open by saying yeah, if you want to. G than asked me again and I gave him the same answer. I Prayed to God about it for a couple days and told Him to take care of it for me, since I wasn't sure about what God wants to do with this. So, a couple days go by and I end up seeing N at work. I have to go check on an item and a customer ends up asking me for help. She asks a question that only people in Produce or night crew can answer and the only person nearby to ask was N. So, I ask him and he is acting different, panicked. I think it is possible that I see the answer, but I'll see how he acts in a couple more days.

God bless you,
Heartofsilver

 

[pdudgeon]

yep, I would also say that the customer's question was God-inspired to give you a chance to come into his radar. Now the next move is his.

 

[macek]

Hard to say from a single reaction. He may be a shy type and is just scared. Best thing is to ask Jesus for guidance and listen. Take it slow and observe. If this N guy is the right person for you then he will wait for you.

 

[ValleyGal]

N might be feeling a little nervous because he is crushing on you and might be shy. Don't take things like that as "signs". There is no harm in befriending this guy. That doesn't mean you need to start dating and the next thing you know you're planning a wedding.

God will present you with opportunities to get to know potential partners, but I think it's up to you to decide who that partner will be. The Bible presents us with guidelines for choosing someone - mostly the equal yoke, which is about more than just being a Christian. The Bible says that the two will become as one....so if you meet someone who is very much unlike you, it will be harder to become one with them. But if you meet someone who is already much like you, you're already well on the way. And I need to clarify what that means...being like someone is not about enjoying the same music or activities. It's about how you think, shared life goals, shared values, same level of caring for the other, a similar "social location" (culture, status, childhood experience, and even how your parents raised you, etc). So you can make informed choices based on some of the ways you are equally yoked. Be aware, too, of any red flags - even if your intuition isn't comfortable.

But...how are you to know any of that unless you get to know this guy - or any guy?

 

[GandalfTheWise]

Many good Christian guys who are good marriage material have no clue how to act around a woman they like because they've never done it much before. Time will tell if N is a good match for you. @ValleyGal writes some good things. Her post is worth reading a couple of times.

FWIW, Here's are a few insights from inside a man's head...

If N has a crush on you or thinks highly of you, there's a good chance he's terrified of doing something stupid or being rejected. The resulting panic and adrenaline when you are around might result in anything from being tongue-tied to not knowing what to say to being clumsy to coming across as rude or brusque when it's not intended. Then about 10 minutes later, he's potentially kicking himself for having acted so stupid and blown it.

I'm not saying for sure that's what really happened that time, but most men have felt this way and acted this way at some point in their life. The brain shuts down, the mouth won't work right, you start saying stupid things, you start tripping over things or dropping stuff, and the more you worry about making a bad impression the worse it gets. Seriously, sometimes what's running through our heads is something like, "there she is. Oh, she looked at me. cool, she's coming this way. @#@# she's coming this way! Umm, do I have any food hanging on my mouth... is my hair sticking up? how do I check without her noticing I'm checking? OH NOO She's almost here. She's talking.... $#$%#$% what did she just say? Umm what do I do now? AAAIIIII!!! Oh no! she's smiling! Is that good? or is she laughing at me? AAAAIIIIII!!!! Well not really quite like this. In reality, sometimes it's not as organized as this and coherent words won't even form, uhhh umm duhhh AAAIIIII!!!! In the mean time, we're trying to smile and look calm and collected and make a good impression. It's a strange sort of emotional reaction where you're simultaneously thrilled and terrified.

It's not an uncommon reaction among good guys who are not used to being around women they are interested in. It's also not uncommon that they might be too afraid to approach a woman they like without some sort of prodding.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hello Community,

Recently at work, a middle aged man who works in Produce came up to me while I was doing my job around the store. We will call him G and the other guy N. He told me that he knew someone that I might like to meet who was very religious and who was about my age. I told him that yeah, maybe I would. So days later, G tells me who the guy is and it's N in Produce who I noticed has had a crush on me. G let me know that he mentioned me to N, but G didn't tell N who I am yet, like what G did with me at first. G asks me if I know N and I told G yes that i have talked to N a few times. So, than G asks me if I want N to know who I am or for things to just happen naturally? I asked God what I should do first to see what He says. I kinda felt a slight "no", but felt excited about the possibities and not being sure if God was really saying "no". I also felt like G threw this on me suddenly. I ended up leaving my options open by saying yeah, if you want to. G than asked me again and I gave him the same answer. I Prayed to God about it for a couple days and told Him to take care of it for me, since I wasn't sure about what God wants to do with this. So, a couple days go by and I end up seeing N at work. I have to go check on an item and a customer ends up asking me for help. She asks a question that only people in Produce or night crew can answer and the only person nearby to ask was N. So, I ask him and he is acting different, panicked. I think it is possible that I see the answer, but I'll see how he acts in a couple more days.

God bless you,
Heartofsilver

Is the guy G also available?

 

[Heartofsilver]

N might be feeling a little nervous because he is crushing on you and might be shy. Don't take things like that as "signs". There is no harm in befriending this guy. That doesn't mean you need to start dating and the next thing you know you're planning a wedding.

God will present you with opportunities to get to know potential partners, but I think it's up to you to decide who that partner will be. The Bible presents us with guidelines for choosing someone - mostly the equal yoke, which is about more than just being a Christian. The Bible says that the two will become as one....so if you meet someone who is very much unlike you, it will be harder to become one with them. But if you meet someone who is already much like you, you're already well on the way. And I need to clarify what that means...being like someone is not about enjoying the same music or activities. It's about how you think, shared life goals, shared values, same level of caring for the other, a similar "social location" (culture, status, childhood experience, and even how your parents raised you, etc). So you can make informed choices based on some of the ways you are equally yoked. Be aware, too, of any red flags - even if your intuition isn't comfortable.

But...how are you to know any of that unless you get to know this guy - or any guy?

These are some very good points, thank you for sharing them with me. Yeah, that is true. I'm trying to also take the advice of my friends who have told me that it's best not to pursue and to let God present you to the man. I guess I'm trying to figure out things when it comes to should I do some of the pursuing, should I just try for friendship, just let the guy do the leading, or all of the above? I try to let the guy do the pursuing part lately and see where it goes from there. It's also difficult in the work place where God could bring you someone there, but I prefer to keep business and relationships separate. If God brings me someone through this job though that is suitable to serve Him with then great. Also, I have dated often in my life, and the last relationship I had I felt God Calling me out of it, plus we were having other issue. So, after I broke it off with him I just told God that the next guy I'm with I want them to be God's choice.

 

[mina]

You aren't courting him. You don't even know him really. You had to ask him a work question and probably because he liked you, he became nervous. I wouldn't read too much into it. There is no way to know if this is the guy God is leading you towards if you don't get to know him. He may be, but he may not be. give him a chance as a friend/co-worker and if it works out and you get on well together then the relationship may deepen.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Many good Christian guys who are good marriage material have no clue how to act around a woman they like because they've never done it much before. Time will tell if N is a good match for you. @ValleyGal writes some good things. Her post is worth reading a couple of times.

FWIW, Here's are a few insights from inside a man's head...

If N has a crush on you or thinks highly of you, there's a good chance he's terrified of doing something stupid or being rejected. The resulting panic and adrenaline when you are around might result in anything from being tongue-tied to not knowing what to say to being clumsy to coming across as rude or brusque when it's not intended. Then about 10 minutes later, he's potentially kicking himself for having acted so stupid and blown it.

I'm not saying for sure that's what really happened that time, but most men have felt this way and acted this way at some point in their life. The brain shuts down, the mouth won't work right, you start saying stupid things, you start tripping over things or dropping stuff, and the more you worry about making a bad impression the worse it gets. Seriously, sometimes what's running through our heads is something like, "there she is. Oh, she looked at me. cool, she's coming this way. @#@# she's coming this way! Umm, do I have any food hanging on my mouth... is my hair sticking up? how do I check without her noticing I'm checking? OH NOO She's almost here. She's talking.... $#$%#$% what did she just say? Umm what do I do now? AAAIIIII!!! Oh no! she's smiling! Is that good? or is she laughing at me? AAAAIIIIII!!!! Well not really quite like this. In reality, sometimes it's not as organized as this and coherent words won't even form, uhhh umm duhhh AAAIIIII!!!! In the mean time, we're trying to smile and look calm and collected and make a good impression. It's a strange sort of emotional reaction where you're simultaneously thrilled and terrified.

It's not an uncommon reaction among good guys who are not used to being around women they are interested in. It's also not uncommon that they might be too afraid to approach a woman they like without some sort of prodding.

Yeah, that is all very true and he was back to being all smiles today, so I was overthinking again. He does smile every time I walk by and he tries to talk to me a little bit at work, but either way of how things turn out I need to keep Praying to God about being patient on God's Choice for a suitable partner. I'm trying to be careful with things by letting him make the moves and as for me, trying not to force anything to happen that maybe shouldn't. I do wonder if I should do something, but friends have told me usually
not to do much of anything.

 

[Heartofsilver]

You aren't courting him. You don't even know him really. You had to ask him a work question and probably because he liked you, he became nervous. I wouldn't read too much into it. There is no way to know if this is the guy God is leading you towards if you don't get to know him. He may be, but he may not be. give him a chance as a friend/co-worker and if it works out and you get on well together then the relationship may deepen.

Yeah, I'm not really sure what all of the stages of courtship are and well that's another reason why I'm on here is so that I can know more about it. That is what I'm waiting on to see what happens, but so far things have been at work, since he hasn't asked for me to hang out or anything yet. It's a matter of being patient.

 

[Heartofsilver]

Is the guy G also available?

Lol I think that he is married, but I'm not sure. Plus, he is much older than me.

 

[mina]

You should say hello to him, be polite and greet him when you see him if you fancy him. That will give him a chance to open the door if he is interested.

 

[Heartofsilver]

You should say hello to him, be polite and greet him when you see him if you fancy him. That will give him a chance to open the door if he is interested.

Thank you for giving me simple advice, I have been wondering what I should do in the beginning of things without trying to force anything to happen that may not be a part of God's plan. So not to participate in it too much, so that God may do most of the work be it a yes or a no.

 

[ValleyGal]

These are some very good points, thank you for sharing them with me. Yeah, that is true. I'm trying to also take the advice of my friends who have told me that it's best not to pursue and to let God present you to the man. I guess I'm trying to figure out things when it comes to should I do some of the pursuing, should I just try for friendship, just let the guy do the leading, or all of the above? I try to let the guy do the pursuing part lately and see where it goes from there. It's also difficult in the work place where God could bring you someone there, but I prefer to keep business and relationships separate. If God brings me someone through this job though that is suitable to serve Him with then great. Also, I have dated often in my life, and the last relationship I had I felt God Calling me out of it, plus we were having other issue. So, after I broke it off with him I just told God that the next guy I'm with I want them to be God's choice.

Being friends with someone and being friendly does not mean you are pursuing. It means presenting as a possible opportunity. Make your intent friendship with a potential possibility for more, if you both decide that's how you want it to go.

I don't believe God is going to make the choice for you. I think God will present opportunities, as I stated earlier. He already gave you the guidelines for making the decision. He also gave you intuition... make sure you listen to your intuition.

I also don't believe that the man should do all the pursuing or leading. Why should it always be up to a man to be vulnerable and ask a girl out? To be honest, it is a fine-tuned dance of micro-expressions, interpretations of those micro-expressions, and then responding to the interpretations. It's a very deep and complicated thing if you want it to be. Or if you prefer simple, make friends with the guy and see where it goes from there. You might have coffee once and both decide that you're not well suited.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Where I'm from we have this saying... "Don't look for your honey at
the same place you earn your money."

(Far too often work place romances don't work out...just something
to consider before you date someone at work.)

 

[Chaplain David]

Thank you for giving me simple advice, I have been wondering what I should do in the beginning of things without trying to force anything to happen that may not be a part of God's plan. So not to participate in it too much, so that God may do most of the work be it a yes or a no.

Hi,

I all of a sudden found myself in this thread. I just want to say that I pray the very best for you and your possible new friend. Also, I think that trusting God while also doing your best to interpret His will for you then doing that, is one of the keys to success.

I've been married for more than forty years and know a lot about relationships from the work that I do and involvement in other counseling experiences.

Following God's will while at the same time, trying to grow your faith, will help you more than anything else. All the best to you.

Faithfully,