couples that dont argue ?

[bluemarkus]

hey its mark here, 29 in the meantime and still single...

i just wanted to ask if you know of any married folks that get along without fighting, arguments, bickering and stuff ? as to my family theres lots of it going on and i cant stand it TBH. i wonder sometimes if its not better to be with a non confessing person but rather just have peace because seriously i am tired of all the fighting, i can see nothing good come from it. probably its because i live in germany now, from a spiritual perspective i´ve seen that germans seem to be bolder and a bit sterner than anglo-speakers.

i believe there will be no person that you can live with for years without different opinions, i am just tired of leaving energy where i´m supposed to draw energy from. the word doesnt say pour water into your own cistern it says draw water.

ok maybe i can gather some replies

shalom

MB

 

[ImperialPhantom]

My wife and do not bicker or argue all that often, but we do. I don't see how it wouldn't ever happen, and a life of no arguing would tell me that one person or the other is holding back their feelings and not being totally honest about everything.

 

[blythe_ann]

As my parents were the primary married couple I knew for the majority of my life, I can only compare the words "fighting" "arguing" and "bickering" to what I witnessed at home, and from the general definition of those terms, my parents "bickered" all the time. They made snide comments at each other throughout the day, which were replied to with sarcasm. It drove me insane!
My husband's father has a hot temper and explodes (in his own way) at the slightest thing, but his mother stands her ground, but calmly.
When we were first married, I was like my parents and would say snide remarks. It only took a month before I realized I was doing what I hated and made a strong effort to stop. We've rarely fought since then. We are both generally laid back (though my husband is far more calm than I am-- I am very blessed) and only during a certain time of the month (I apologize for the crudeness) do tempers--primarily mine-- get a little out of hand.
But we married our best friends, and even when we argue, I'm apologizing before I get too far and my "best friend" always comforts me when my husband makes me mad.
My husband knows when to talk to me about things he knows we won't agree about, and I can tell him almost anything without ruffling his feathers. So, we have those conversations when they arise, or we hold our tongues until the appropriate time, which is usually not long at all. And, when we need to talk NOW and are with company, we text (I know, it's ridiculous) to get our feelings out. We aren't perfect by any means at any of this (especially me!), but it's very nice to rarely be angry with each other.
And I believe McScribe wrote an interesting thread recently in the personal topics forum that explained courage and honesty instead of just keeping the peace that you might find interesting. Sorry to "call you out" McScribe-- but I really appreciated your post and I think you would bring a good viewpoint here (if you read it, that is!).
I will say a quick prayer for your family that they can start getting along a little better. Perhaps you need a small vacation to get away from the negativity!

 

[porterross]

Hi, Mark.

Sorry to hear you live in such conditions. My parents argued a lot when I was growing up and I hated it. My husband's parents fought even more and it put him off the idea of having a family of his own for a long time, so I feel for you.

What you have to remember is that your parents' marriage doesn't define what yours might be. Knowing what you do about how negative it is to carry on in such a way, you have the power to live differently and to choose a wife who shares the same view. It is definitely something to discuss while dating and getting to know someone you might consider marrying, especially with your experiences and desire to not put your own children through the same thing.

My husband and I don't bicker over unimportant things and we have never argued in the presence of anyone else. We have had disagreements and there are issues that need to be addressed, but we make the effort to not let it affect our daughter or disrupt family routine. Not everything about the family is about the two of us and our differences and having experienced the fear such behavior creates in kids, we choose not to subject our daughter to it. We have to bite our tongues sometimes, but that helps us not forget the real effect of harsh words.

Have you discussed your feelings with your family?

 

[bluemarkus]

i dont talk to my family anymore, they are germans, whatever i say they are against it in the name of cheezzuzz.

 

[bluemarkus]

hello porterross, thanks for that post, its somewhat uplifting.

 

[jdorsey]

a couple that doesn't argue is a couple in denial

That's a sad statement. I can honestly say my husband and I don't fight, ever. When we were engaged we got into one fight that lasted less than ten minutes.
Do we disagree? Of course. But I submit to his wisdom and authority, and he hears out my point of view and suggestions. We have a lot of compromise.
We are very happy. Neither of us ever holds anything in. If we feel we are at a point where disagreeing becomes aggravating, we stop, take a break, and then discuss it again in a bit. We don't ever let a conversation get to a point where one of us is angry.
To say that everyone argues in their marriage is false, although I'm aware that it is the norm for many couples.

 

[porterross]

i dont talk to my family anymore, they are germans, whatever i say they are against it in the name of cheezzuzz.

That's a shame, Mark. I know it's tough sometimes and my family does indeed get on my toes, too, but they are still family. I hope you pray for them. It sounds like they need it.

Are they Christian or are you saying that your family makes fun of you because you are?

hello porterross, thanks for that post, its somewhat uplifting.

You're welcome. Just remember that as a Christian man, you have power over, and responsibility for, your own home, wife and children and what goes and doesn't with the family you're blessed with. You have insight that many young people don't, given that you know what model not to emulate, so you're ahead of those with unrealistic, romantic ideals.

God will help. Just be sure to let Him guide you and you'll be on the right track.

 

[moonkitty]

My hubby and I get along pretty well--we may bicker every once and a while--I'd say 4 or 5 times year. I think we are both rather level headed and both of us hate verbal fights.

My parents on the other hand were horrible. My father was very abusive physically, verbally, and mentally. My mom for the longest time was a doormat and believed in submitting totally. If he hit her that meant she was not submitting enough, so she needed to submit more until he stopped. It wasn't until he tried to kill us that she finally left. She still feels guilty about it, and ever since has gone from one abusive relationship to another.

I refuse to be like my mother, and I have never felt that I was doomed to repeat my mom's mistakes.

 

[jdorsey]

and how long have you been married?

do you have kids?

not to belittle you,
but your relationship does indeed sound very healthy.
congratulations

We've been married for two years, although we are well past the honeymoon stage. While we don't have any kids yet, we are the youth ministers at our church and have a handful of teens we guide. I'm not sure why your congrats would belittle me. Thanks : )

 

[BeanMak]

I am blessed with a relationship that doesn't have arguments. We discuss, we disagree but mainly we REALLY enjoy each other's company. We laugh A LOT! I really feel heard by him and conversely, I think he know that I understand where he is coming from.


An example- we have a bedroom that we want to redo. I bought a comforter set that was on sale. I liked it. when I brought it home, my husband thought it was too much money and that we didn't need it now. I said, that I liked it and wanted it. Now, did I NEED it, no. We discussed some finances, and I could see that I wasn't going to change his mind that it was too expensive. Now I could have dug my heels in- but to what end? It is just a blanket after all, and it was for his bed. If he didn't want it- fine. I can wait. I gave in on this and suggested that if he didn't want it- he could take it back. No argument, no hollering and certaninly no hard feelings- it is a blanket not the peace negotiations for Korea.
(hee, hee, and I have a leg to stand on when he gets that urge for the 50 million inch TV)

 

[jdorsey]

I am blessed with a relationship that doesn't have arguments. We discuss, we disagree but mainly we REALLY enjoy each other's company. We laugh A LOT! I really feel heard by him and conversely, I think he know that I understand where he is coming from.


An example- we have a bedroom that we want to redo. I bought a comforter set that was on sale. I liked it. when I brought it home, my husband thought it was too much money and that we didn't need it now. I said, that I liked it and wanted it. Now, did I NEED it, no. We discussed some finances, and I could see that I wasn't going to change his mind that it was too expensive. Now I could have dug my heels in- but to what end? It is just a blanket after all, and it was for his bed. If he didn't want it- fine. I can wait. I gave in on this and suggested that if he didn't want it- he could take it back. No argument, no hollering and certaninly no hard feelings- it is a blanket not the peace negotiations for Korea.
(hee, hee, and I have a leg to stand on when he gets that urge for the 50 million inch TV)

That's so great! If everyone realized that compromise is much easier then arguing, marriages would be happier. Thanks for the encouragement!!

 

[ido]

My hubby and I have our disagreements, but they are small and short-lived b/c we both work to really hear what the other person is saying and to respect their position on things.

So far, we haven't followed the models that any of our parents gave as examples.

 

[Lena75]

Seems like the older we get, the more we argue. Right now it's whether to move or not. I want to, he doesn't.

 

[McScribe]

My wife and I have disagreements, but one of the things we are agreed to do is to be honest with one another even if it is difficult to do it, and to honour the other when that honesty is presented even if it is difficult to hear. We always try to compromise.

Recently though we were reading a book and its main subject is communication styles. We are all raised with different social expectations even within our families, and men and women often have different communication styles in general--the list goes on. The real answer is to try to give one another the grace God gives us,and to be led by this in the grace God gives to us personally.

Sometimes that giving of grace requires us to believe the best of one another. (of course I'm not speaking of abusive or intentionally unpleasant situations here) What you do here is the same that you do with understanding God's will for your life. If you have known the blessings of God for the most part then in prayer you do as David did--describe your situation in prayer and understanding and yet nevertheless declare your understanding of your relationship with God and how that works--that God for example is merciful, generous, strong, good. So then when you are believing the best of your spouse you can believe "my spouse is a hardworking, kind, good, understanding and generous person--so in this situation where I am feeling upset I can speak about my dislike of a situation while saying 'I believe that nevertheless you have these good qualities and want there to be understanding between us.'"

Practice helps a lot with this, the more you give grace and act according to that the more likely it is that both of you will choose to seek understanding and compromise.

 

[Pauler]

i think every couple has arguments and disagreements. however, i would like to think they get fewer and farther between as both make an effort to bridge the relationship.

my wife and i have a great relationship, but that doesnt mean we dont fight, argue, and miscommunicate sometimes. imho, its part of the growing process.

 

[Hadassah]

My husband (German) and I (German descent, but American) generally get along very well.

We've had a lot of life-changing events to go on in the last 20 months, so off and on we've had high stress situations that cause a lot of venting to and at each other. Right now we have two major health situations going on, and that means we're back to "lively chatter" a few times a week. Bickering? not really.

I fully believe that if a couple DOESN'T at all have lively sessions of conversation, or bickering from time to time - something's not right.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

My wife and I get along well. We have our very infrequent moments which 95% of the time are misunderstandings, but the vast majority of time all is at peace. We also have a general rule that we won't go to bed angry at one another, so if it takes a bit of time to hash out an issue then so be it--we resolve the issue.

 

[AMOG]

Three plus years together and over two years married and no arguements and I can count the snide comments on the finglers of one hand.

My first marrage was all arguing and manipulation. It is SO much better the second time around.

Maybe some day I can sit down and work out what the keys are, but right now I am just so excited by the experience I am living that I'm not sure I could analize it.

But some possible keys are:

Being spiritualy in sync. We are both trying to be Deciples of Jesus.
Being financaly in sync. We are. by nature, frugal and committed to living on significantly less then we bring in.
Just loving each other. Doing whats best for the other. Not sure what would happen if one of us started to break that pattern....

 

[David75]

I am remarried due to my first wife having infedlity problems. I do have a child with her. She will be 10 in September. I am remarried to my new wife is wonderful. The first two years were rocky. I unfortunately was more of the arguer and did't realize how much I was hurting,when all she was trying to do was reach out to me. As of November 21, 2003 we have been married 6 years. So when November comes around again it will be 7 years. This is double my first marriage. We have gotten much closer and never hardly argue. We don't yell at each other, we sit down and talk calmly to each other and do our best to compromise with each other. always keep the line of communications open. Trust goes a long way in a marriage.