- Dec 10, 2016
- 12
- 23
- 48
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Divorced
My husband and I separated a few days ago. For financial reasons, we are still living in the same home. Yesterday, the topic of divorce came up. We went back and forth about a dozen times. We even went as far as discussing finances and I went ahead and starting looking for rentals and a second job. Then, last night, he came into my room and said that he wants to restart and see if we can get along. He said that one mess-up on my part and we're over. What a mess-up means is me getting upset, argumentative, controlling, etc. He's very vague with this, so I'm not sure what this exactly means. I am doing my best to work on this. Prayer, counseling, books, self-help, etc. I'm trying to control my thoughts and emotions and be positive. However, simply being in his presence is very, very difficult. I either want to cry or scream for a few reasons. He is very unresponsive and will not do anything with me. I asked him if he wanted to get coffee and take the dog for a walk with no expectation of talking and he declined both. I'm a nervous wreck and feel like I'm a ticking time bomb and very anxious and scared. When I feel this way, I withdraw or push my husband to talk to me, the latter which he abhors. I can't live like this and live in this limbo. I can't eat or sleep. What can I do to make this work between us when I'm so unclear of what he wants? How can I control my emotions and get through these anxious thoughts? I've been praying, running and going on lots of walks with my dog. But, I go back to work next week and I'm a teacher. I can hardly make it through the day!
To backtrack, this is why we separated...our daughter passed away unexpectedly four years ago. Needless to say, our lives were turned upside down. She was our only. I've done my best to heal but I've slowly withdrawn from people including my husband since her death. I've made some strides like teaching again and trying new activities, but I've developed a fear of relationships. I have friends but I keep them at bay. I know I do this and I know why I do this. That's another topic. For the past couple years, my husband has become involved in our local fire department. He was always gone and I got to the point where I gave up spending time with him. However, I also withdrew from him when he attempted to get close to me. In another words, a bad storm was brewing. I want to be close to him, but I subconsciously pushed him away by being passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative. A few months ago, my abusive behavior exacerbated when I discovered he was hanging out with a young woman from the fire department. I believe him when he says it was a non-physical friendship but there was an emotional attachment. They still keep in touch and hang out in a big group. This really bothers me and I've been checking his phone and tracking his whereabouts because I'm worried that he's with another women. Regardless, neither his actions nor my issues excuse my behavior toward him.
Bottom line is I truly love him and want to make this work. But, I can't live in limbo. I need to be able to function in order to heal and improve.
To backtrack, this is why we separated...our daughter passed away unexpectedly four years ago. Needless to say, our lives were turned upside down. She was our only. I've done my best to heal but I've slowly withdrawn from people including my husband since her death. I've made some strides like teaching again and trying new activities, but I've developed a fear of relationships. I have friends but I keep them at bay. I know I do this and I know why I do this. That's another topic. For the past couple years, my husband has become involved in our local fire department. He was always gone and I got to the point where I gave up spending time with him. However, I also withdrew from him when he attempted to get close to me. In another words, a bad storm was brewing. I want to be close to him, but I subconsciously pushed him away by being passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative. A few months ago, my abusive behavior exacerbated when I discovered he was hanging out with a young woman from the fire department. I believe him when he says it was a non-physical friendship but there was an emotional attachment. They still keep in touch and hang out in a big group. This really bothers me and I've been checking his phone and tracking his whereabouts because I'm worried that he's with another women. Regardless, neither his actions nor my issues excuse my behavior toward him.
Bottom line is I truly love him and want to make this work. But, I can't live in limbo. I need to be able to function in order to heal and improve.