Coping with Separation

[Katie's Mom]

My husband and I separated a few days ago. For financial reasons, we are still living in the same home. Yesterday, the topic of divorce came up. We went back and forth about a dozen times. We even went as far as discussing finances and I went ahead and starting looking for rentals and a second job. Then, last night, he came into my room and said that he wants to restart and see if we can get along. He said that one mess-up on my part and we're over. What a mess-up means is me getting upset, argumentative, controlling, etc. He's very vague with this, so I'm not sure what this exactly means. I am doing my best to work on this. Prayer, counseling, books, self-help, etc. I'm trying to control my thoughts and emotions and be positive. However, simply being in his presence is very, very difficult. I either want to cry or scream for a few reasons. He is very unresponsive and will not do anything with me. I asked him if he wanted to get coffee and take the dog for a walk with no expectation of talking and he declined both. I'm a nervous wreck and feel like I'm a ticking time bomb and very anxious and scared. When I feel this way, I withdraw or push my husband to talk to me, the latter which he abhors. I can't live like this and live in this limbo. I can't eat or sleep. What can I do to make this work between us when I'm so unclear of what he wants? How can I control my emotions and get through these anxious thoughts? I've been praying, running and going on lots of walks with my dog. But, I go back to work next week and I'm a teacher. I can hardly make it through the day!

To backtrack, this is why we separated...our daughter passed away unexpectedly four years ago. Needless to say, our lives were turned upside down. She was our only. I've done my best to heal but I've slowly withdrawn from people including my husband since her death. I've made some strides like teaching again and trying new activities, but I've developed a fear of relationships. I have friends but I keep them at bay. I know I do this and I know why I do this. That's another topic. For the past couple years, my husband has become involved in our local fire department. He was always gone and I got to the point where I gave up spending time with him. However, I also withdrew from him when he attempted to get close to me. In another words, a bad storm was brewing. I want to be close to him, but I subconsciously pushed him away by being passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative. A few months ago, my abusive behavior exacerbated when I discovered he was hanging out with a young woman from the fire department. I believe him when he says it was a non-physical friendship but there was an emotional attachment. They still keep in touch and hang out in a big group. This really bothers me and I've been checking his phone and tracking his whereabouts because I'm worried that he's with another women. Regardless, neither his actions nor my issues excuse my behavior toward him.

Bottom line is I truly love him and want to make this work. But, I can't live in limbo. I need to be able to function in order to heal and improve.

 

[Dave-W]

You guys really need to find a good CHRISTIAN marriage counselor.

 

[DaisyDay]

Sometimes love isn't enough.

"He said that one mess-up on my part and we're over." Well, then, I'd say you're over because everyone messes up - it's part of being human. If you all can't forgive and be kind to each other, then what's the point?

The uncertainty will drive you bonkers. It's very difficult to deal with in good circumstances, uncertainty. Making a decision, one way or the other, should relieve a lot of the stress.

That you're teaching again and trying new activities shows that you're beginning to heal, but that doesn't mean that you don't have a long, difficult road ahead of you. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

 

[gym_class_hero]

you need to work on yourself and not worry about what he's going to do or not do. My wife and I have been separated in the past and I can tell you from experience that when she was closer to God and bei ng strong she was much more attractive to me than when she was needy. I echo what was said, you need to find a Christian counselor. God bless you and your husband.

 

[ValleyGal]

He thinks that one time YOU mess up and you're done? It takes two, and it sounds like he needs to do some honest self-reflection and own up to how he has contributed to the distant and disharmonious dynamic between you two. This will create a dysfunctional family unit, and that will greatly affect the relationships you both have with your children.

I am a firm believer that if both parties are not 100% invested in making the marriage work, then it is not going to work. And being 100% invested means actively pursuing good relationship functioning. By default, that means you need to take responsibility for how you have created to dysfunction. Imo, the first thing you should do is find out whether he is invested in making it work, and how invested he is.

If he is invested in making it work, then he will need to own up to how he has hurt the family - including his emotional attachment to the woman at the fire department. He needs to make amends to you, and figure out how he is going to earn your trust back, even if it means going to a different fire department. And you can make amends for withdrawing from him after your daughter passed. This would include turning towards him to have your emotional needs met - even if it means going slow with smaller things because of his need to earn your trust.

I suggest a couple of things. First, there is a discipleship program called Freedom Session (.org). I really recommend both of you go through the program. I also recommend finding a good couples counsellor who is trained in the Gottman method.

Find Couple Therapy or Marriage Therapy in Your Area

I'm so sorry about your daughter's passing. I watched my cousin grieve when her son passed at age 18 in a mva. She was devastated for a really long time. I think it took 20 years before I actually saw her smile again. I can't even imagine your grief! Were you able to work through your grief with a counsellor? Maybe it's something you and your husband can do together? It's never too late.

 

[Dan61861]

You will get better, you'll never fully heal. Losing a child stays with, you'll grow and get better. I lost my son 20 years ago.

I wish your husband was showing a little more patients. What he's asked is impossible for you and for him. I would tell him, you love him dearly, you are here for the long haul. If you are going to leave because I fail than there's the door. You and I will both fail. We will laugh, we will cry...we will go though sadness together til the joy returns. I'm committed to you, I love you. But to make this work, we both have to be committed to one another through thick and thin. We can make it through this storm, together...as we both cleave unto Christ and one another.

Both, my wife and I shut down after loosing our son. It's been a hard road, we have learned to lean on the Lord while on this path. Today I'm comforted by the thought of my son in the Lord's arms. He will never cry, he will never feel sadness. His life is filled with joy and gladness. One day I will see him again. One day I will be with him.

In Christ
Daniel

 

[Endeavourer]

Katie, in your other thread I had warned you about this young woman and suggested steps to take to get her out of your life.

There are certain indicators in what you have written that your husband is acting like someone who does not regard you as his first option. Did you ever insist he disassociate himself with this young woman? If so, what happened?

Can you go back to read the articles I posted in your previous thread? From the sounds of it, your relationship has continued to deteriorate and I would greatly suspect this is the cause.

 

[Katie's Mom]

My husband and I decided to separate and move toward a divorce. He continues to communicate with the young woman he is friends with because he assures me that this is nothing. We tried and tried to get along and make things work but we were bringing out the worst in each other. He refused to do marriage counseling while we were together. We decided it would be best to part ways and work on ourselves. I am starting therapy next week.

I feel as though all of this is my fault. It has been reiterated over and over that I'm controlling, manipulative and passive-aggressive. I own all of this and am not only trying to understand why I do this, but also how to stop it. Regardless of whether or not we will someday reunite in the future, I am ashamed of my behavior and don't want to act this way toward him ever again. However, I don't know if I would have acted this way if he were a different person. I don't act this way with anyone...family, friends, co-workers. I've been pulling away for years for several reasons. I know he cares about me and loves me, but I think he has always shown it in ways that don't work for me. He is very confident in himself and unemotionally available, whereas I struggle with self-esteem and am a very feeling, sensitive person. I'm working on building myself up and loving myself as God's creation. He doesn't like to talk with me and our discussions are very shallow. My friends are very honest with me and I've heard from several of them that they are afraid of my husband. They are very objective and not saying this because they are on "my side." He is very curt with them and he asserts his confidence with them. I've always felt uncomfortable and embarrassed. I've discussed this with him but he denies it. He has been very abusive with our dog and that has always bothered me. When she sees him, she moans and urinates on the floor. I suppose why I'm writing about this is because I'm beating myself up about our separation and am taking all the fault for our marriage issues. I don't want this separation to be a tit for tat situation and actually want to remain friends. But emotionally and even physically, I can't deal with the fact that I'm all to blame. I'm beating myself up and am a very bad place where I feel like I don't deserve to experience any contentment or joy. Any thoughts?

 

[ValleyGal]

Who told you that you are controlling, manipulative, and passive-aggressive? What is their evidence for it? Do you agree that you are all these things?

What is the evidence that all the whole marriage breakdown is all your fault? Why do you think that you are the only one who is, and should be, all responsible for all of the marriage? Had you done anything differently, how would it have changed the outcome? What efforts did you make - and what efforts did he make?

You say you know he loves you. How do you know this? What is the evidence for it? You say he does not want to do things with you, he doesn't want to talk to you, he has been abusive towards the dog, and your friends are afraid of him. He refuses marriage counselling, he has been emotionally attached to another woman, and he brings out the worst in you. So... really? He loves you?

I know that this is a very painful time for you, and there are no words that can take the pain away, and a counsellor will help you go through some of this stuff. My questions are not for you to respond to. They are for you to think about, so maybe you can be encouraged that this is not ALL your doing. It takes two, but sometimes, even if you did do things differently, the outcome might very well still have been the same.

Keep praying. Jesus understands your pain, and he is right there in it with you.

 

[FindingRest]

Hi KatiesMom.

I just want to post here to tell you that I know very well how you feel. My marriage is at a very similar crossroads right now. I hope you are doing okay and pressing into the Lord in this season.

 

[gym_class_hero]

I pray that those of you in troubled marriages will find peace and strength in your relationship with God. Nobody's marriage was ever more broke than mine but when you seek God first you can weather the storm and maybe a miracle will happen.

 

[faroukfarouk]

My husband and I decided to separate and move toward a divorce. He continues to communicate with the young woman he is friends with because he assures me that this is nothing. We tried and tried to get along and make things work but we were bringing out the worst in each other. He refused to do marriage counseling while we were together. We decided it would be best to part ways and work on ourselves. I am starting therapy next week.

I feel as though all of this is my fault. It has been reiterated over and over that I'm controlling, manipulative and passive-aggressive. I own all of this and am not only trying to understand why I do this, but also how to stop it. Regardless of whether or not we will someday reunite in the future, I am ashamed of my behavior and don't want to act this way toward him ever again. However, I don't know if I would have acted this way if he were a different person. I don't act this way with anyone...family, friends, co-workers. I've been pulling away for years for several reasons. I know he cares about me and loves me, but I think he has always shown it in ways that don't work for me. He is very confident in himself and unemotionally available, whereas I struggle with self-esteem and am a very feeling, sensitive person. I'm working on building myself up and loving myself as God's creation. He doesn't like to talk with me and our discussions are very shallow. My friends are very honest with me and I've heard from several of them that they are afraid of my husband. They are very objective and not saying this because they are on "my side." He is very curt with them and he asserts his confidence with them. I've always felt uncomfortable and embarrassed. I've discussed this with him but he denies it. He has been very abusive with our dog and that has always bothered me. When she sees him, she moans and urinates on the floor. I suppose why I'm writing about this is because I'm beating myself up about our separation and am taking all the fault for our marriage issues. I don't want this separation to be a tit for tat situation and actually want to remain friends. But emotionally and even physically, I can't deal with the fact that I'm all to blame. I'm beating myself up and am a very bad place where I feel like I don't deserve to experience any contentment or joy. Any thoughts?

Sorry about your difficulties.

Here's a perspective:

What about your vows to him? (even if the state of his vows to you are weaker)

What about the promises of God to the believer? "For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us." (2 Corinthians 1.20). In other words, what do you think of not keeping wedding promises as an option, at the same times as relying on God to keep His promises?