Conversations with my 7 year old

DZoolander

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H: What do you want to happen when you die? Do you want to be buried or to have them throw you into the ocean?
M: Well, I haven't given it a lot of thought. But I know I don't want to be thrown into the ocean. Maybe buried. Ya know, I saw this interesting thing about them putting you into a capsule and then you turn into a tree. That sounds interesting, don't you think?
H: What do you mean?
M: I mean they put the person into a capsule in a fetal position, with a seed of a tree on the top, and the tree uses you to help grow. So you become a part of that tree.
H: DON'T DO THAT. How would I know which tree it was? How could I visit you? (starts to cry)
M: That's definitely something you don't need to worry about for a LONG time. If you and your brother wouldn't like that, then I wouldn't do it.
H: Ok

...not sure why she was thinking about that.
 
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Humble me Lord

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Sounds pretty normal. Who knows what prompted her to think about it, but I think kids kind of go through a stage when they become aware of what death means and they can be afraid of it.
You could use it as a teaching moment, if she brings it up again, on your beliefs about what happens when we die. A good time to bring Gods promises into the conversation.
Just my two cents.
 
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OK Jeff

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I was in the hospital for a week when I was first diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukemia (on a good road now btw), about day two my son (4 at the time) crawled into bed with me, curled up beside me and said, “daddy I sure hope you don’t have to go live with Jesus”. I still knot up thinking of that.
 
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mkgal1

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I'm so glad that your daughter is able to have conversations with you, Zoo, about death. I'm quite a bit older than you.....but when I was growing up, death was a taboo subject that was not talked about when we were young. I wasn't allowed to go to funerals until I was an older teen (when an aunt I was close to passed away). To this day....my older brother -who is in his 60's- has not gone to ONE funeral....ever (including the funerals of our parents). We were a dysfunctional generation, I think..... :)

BTW....I've heard about that capsule where a tree grows from your body. I love the idea (life from death).....but I can understand your daughter's skepticism of it.
 
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DZoolander

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She was introduced to the idea of death probably sooner than I would have liked, but more circumstance than anything else. My folks passed away before she was born, and she naturally would ask about them when she was first learning about family. Mommy has a mommy and daddy, "Where are your mommy and daddy?" to me.

So I had to explain to her at a relatively young age, gently, that they're no longer with us. As she got a little bit older, the explanation got a little more detailed, etc...and over the past couple of years she's developed a reasonable understanding of it (for a 7 year old).

Of course it didn't help that one day some neighborhood dogs dug a hole under the fence and killed the family cat in front of her.

So yeah, I've had a few talks with her about it over time. When we went back to my old hometown a few months ago - I took her to visit my parent's graves/leave some flowers/etc - so she understands that aspect of it as well. She asks me a lot of questions about my mom. "Would your mom want to have met me?" "Believe me, there's nothing more than that she would have liked. She would have spoiled you rotten." "Did she ever talk to you about me?" "Well, I think in fact the last conversation we ever had was one where I said what made me saddest was that she wouldn't get to know her grandchildren...and she said she would have liked nothing more", etc.

Those are the kinds of discussions we have about it.
 
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akmom

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These are conversations they will remember. When you do die, especially if it was unexpected, there is some element of closure you get when you can carry out the burial wishes of the deceased. My dad expressed his burial wishes plainly, in a conversation I remember, but my mom said we should do whatever is easiest for us when she dies. You might think that my mom's request was easier, but in fact, my dad's was. In times of grief, following directions is easiest. And it's the last thing you can do for them. Ironically, they're not truly present for it and it technically doesn't matter, but for some reason it feels like it does.

I gave instructions to my family for that reason. It obviously makes no difference to me where my remains end up, and I said as much. But I know from experience that it makes it easier on the living if you suggest some kind of plan.
 
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Saricharity

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Death is so hard to explain to children. My little sister in law is 10 and just lost her mom recently. It was so unexpected and my heart breaks for her and her siblings still so young and at home. My husband and I have prayerfully decided to take her for a while. She is very close to my husband and we thought it would help his father a little if he didn't need to worry about her. I don't know if its the right thing to do or not but right now my husband's father is just overwhelmed with grief and is having a difficult time coping with all the kids' grief.
We took Rhiannon to place flowers on the grave today. There isn't even a headstone yet. :(
 
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DZoolander

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Death is so hard to explain to children. My little sister in law is 10 and just lost her mom recently. It was so unexpected and my heart breaks for her and her siblings still so young and at home. My husband and I have prayerfully decided to take her for a while. She is very close to my husband and we thought it would help his father a little if he didn't need to worry about her. I don't know if its the right thing to do or not but right now my husband's father is just overwhelmed with grief and is having a difficult time coping with all the kids' grief.
We took Rhiannon to place flowers on the grave today. There isn't even a headstone yet. :(

Poor thing. It's difficult as an adult - I can't even imagine as a child.
 
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FireDragon76

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I've never been to a funeral. Growing up, death wasn't a topic anybody talked about, and it seemed mostly my father was the one driving that attitude in my family.
 
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Dave-W

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Death is so hard to explain to children. My little sister in law is 10 and just lost her mom recently. It was so unexpected and my heart breaks for her and her siblings still so young and at home. My husband and I have prayerfully decided to take her for a while. She is very close to my husband and we thought it would help his father a little if he didn't need to worry about her. I don't know if its the right thing to do or not but right now my husband's father is just overwhelmed with grief and is having a difficult time coping with all the kids' grief.
We took Rhiannon to place flowers on the grave today. There isn't even a headstone yet. :(
Sari - I think that is a wonderful thing you are doing with her. But your husband is grieving too. You will have to be a support for both of them for the next several months, probably like about a year.

As to the grave stone, my mom died April 6 and we just last week got confirmation of the gravestone being updated with her death date. It was already made for both my step dad and her. He passed in 2011. They just needed to add 2018 to it and it took that long.

ETA:

I really appreciate the Jewish tradition we keep in MJ on saying Kaddish. (One of the forerunner prayers of the Our Father) It is said every day (with at least 9 other people from family or congregation) for the first week after the funeral, and then once a week for the next 3. THen once a month for the next 11 months. It is a visible show of support from those around you and shows the easing from sorrow and grief back into the regular flow of life.
 
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DZoolander

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I've never been to a funeral. Growing up, death wasn't a topic anybody talked about, and it seemed mostly my father was the one driving that attitude in my family.
You've never been to a funeral?

How old are you? Must be kind of young?

At my ripe old age of 48 - I've found that they seem to come in ebbs and flows. Like for a little while there will be a few in a row, then nothing for a while, then once again. The first one I ever went to was when I was 15. Maybe earlier - if you count a memorial service that they had at my church for a kid that passed away when I was in elementary school. But, that wasn't QUITE the same thing.
 
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FireDragon76

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You've never been to a funeral?

How old are you? Must be kind of young?

At my ripe old age of 48 - I've found that they seem to come in ebbs and flows. Like for a little while there will be a few in a row, then nothing for a while, then once again. The first one I ever went to was when I was 15. Maybe earlier - if you count a memorial service that they had at my church for a kid that passed away when I was in elementary school. But, that wasn't QUITE the same thing.

I'm 42. I admit I haven't had alot of friends or social contacts so maybe that is part of the reason.
 
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DZoolander

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Yeah, that is a little old to have never been to one. I've been to my share. There was a period in my late teens to early 20's when it seemed I was going to one every other month. Then in my 30's there was another spell of them, culminating in my folks. Haven't had to go to another one since, thankfully.
 
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